Relationships between people are very far from perfect. It often happens that one person in one way or another makes another feel unfairly humiliated. This process is reminiscent of a stone thrown into water, from which waves of resentment, tension and anger scatter in all directions, literally eating the offended person from the inside.
What does it mean to forgive a person? Forgiveness is the intentional decision to stop harboring negative emotions towards people who have offended you. Forgiveness is the real key to moving forward, while resentment itself is a kind of anchor that slows down not only the development, but also the very life of the offended person. Of course, it can be very difficult to forgive your offender, but it is very important to always and everywhere remember the reason why this must be done. And in this article, we will look at 10 little-known facts about forgiveness that can help not only forgive someone, but also change your life...
You forgive other people because it is good for you.
Resentment resembles a stone thrown into water, from which waves of tension and anger scatter in all directions, literally eating the offended person from the inside, as he certainly begins to imagine how he will take revenge on his offender. There is a very great danger in such thoughts, because they are in many ways similar to a real disease. Its development can result in anything, even a mental disorder or even a crime.
Thus, resentment is akin to hatred, a destructive emotion that hurts the person hurt by someone’s words or actions more than anyone else. This is why it is so important to learn to let go of these negative emotions and, instead of being angry at your offender, try to find a reason to forgive. When you learn to move from anger to a more peaceful state and thought process, your life will change radically.
How to get rid of guilt
Often, when starting to analyze his own grievances, a person transfers some of the blame for betrayal from his ill-wisher to himself.
Afterwards, when feelings of aggression have already been defeated, the risk of self-flagellation appears - shifting the blame only to oneself. This is exactly what is categorically unacceptable. If, instead of providing forgiveness to the culprit, you begin to shift all responsibility onto your shoulders, you can worsen the situation when the opportunity to reverse it and return love is irretrievably lost.
This action can be prevented in different ways.
One of the psychologists recommends the most effective and shortest way to solve this problem. When an offended person, having analyzed the situation, begins to blame himself, then it would be nice for him to anonymously send about 20% of his own monthly income to his enemy. If after these actions you are still tormented by a feeling of your own guilt, then the translation should be repeated - and so on until the self-flagellation stops. The specialist assures that this will work better than any psychotherapeutic conversations.
The feeling of taking part of the guilt will immediately disappear, and the betrayal on the part of the offender will seem disproportionately tiny. There will be a desire to quickly forgive the offense, finally let go of the guilt and leave everything in the past.
There is another interesting way to help you understand what it means to forgive an offense.
Psychologists recommend keeping a journal of grievances and forgiveness throughout your life. The fact is that a person evaluates a negative situation differently over time. That is why it is better to record in a notebook the feelings and thoughts that were caused by the betrayal of a loved one, which are experienced daily. It is advisable to write down everything in a journal, especially ideas that can lead to positivity and ensure harmony, as well as restore justice. People who keep entries in diaries endure grievances much easier and are able to forgive more quickly. Love ignites in their heart.
After a certain period, the recordings will become less irritable, reasons for resentment will appear in them, which, as it seems to the offended person, can prompt his offender to do just that.
Forgiving others makes you more compassionate and understanding
It is important for every person to remember once and for all that trying to improve their own life by changing the people around them is a waste of time and a waste of precious time. It is important to change yourself and your attitude towards everything around you. Only in this way through self-improvement can you rise one step higher and learn to see your own and others’ actions from the outside, thereby taking steps towards forgiveness of both yourself and the people who have offended you or committed betrayal towards you.
You will develop a feeling akin to mercy, which, as you develop your experience of forgiving others, will lead to an increased ability to be compassionate and understanding. Once you follow the positive path of forgiveness as a way to improve relationships, it will soon become apparent to you that the vast majority of people actually have goodness in their hearts.
Forgiving a person for a specific action does not justify what he did.
Often resentment is caused by really serious reasons. For example, when someone insulted or humiliated you. Of course, sometimes it is best to stop any communication with such a person altogether.
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But it also happens that people often do not want to forgive another person for some specific disgusting act simply because they believe that forgiveness in this case would imply that the actions taken towards them are in principle satisfactory, and theoretically they can repeat. However, this opinion is actually wrong. People who need life skills must learn to forgive someone based on the benefits that forgiveness gives them, in the positive effect of which there should be no place for specific guilt.
Recommendations from professionals
No matter how strange it may sound, psychologists recommend that their patients, who talk about how much a loved one offended them, read poetry about forgiveness. In the process of reading, people develop a positive attitude, they stop perceiving the offender only from the negative side, and try to look at him with different eyes. Many examples of such poems can be found in modern literature. Don't like poetry? Select versions of works of art that tell in prose how important it is to forgive another person in time, to let love and harmony into your heart. Getting to know the works of Dostoevsky will be quite interesting and instructive. The author pays special attention to the moral torment of his heroes, remorse, and the search for the meaning of existence. After a detailed study of Dostoevsky's novels, you will have a different attitude towards those who caused you so many problems and made you suffer. There will be a desire to forgive the sinner, not torment yourself with worries, and get rid of grievances. Only the person who manages to “pull” anger out of his heart is able to fully experience the meaning of life and enjoy the beauty of the world around him.
To forgive a person, you don’t need to expect an apology from him.
All people are different, and this cannot be changed. If asking for forgiveness for a committed offense is normal for you, then for someone, due to the nature of his character, this particular action can become a real test, despite the real repentance in his soul.
Therefore, in order to forgive a person, it is not at all necessary to wait for words of apology from him, since such an expectation can become eternal. There is no need to wait for anything. Just take the first step and forgive the person so you can put this negative event behind you and move forward.
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Quotes about forgiveness to get rid of pain and resentment
- We think that forgiveness is weakness, but it is not at all true; it takes a very strong person to forgive. (T.D. Jakes)
- Forgiveness is a strange thing. Sometimes it is easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be the hardest thing to forgive the people we love. (Fred Rogers)
- Never forget the nine most important words of any family: I love you. How beautiful you are. Please forgive me. (Jackson Brown, Jr.)
- The most beautiful gift is forgiveness. Where you don’t want to forgive, a wall is immediately erected. The prison begins with the wall. (Phil Bosmans)
- It is extremely important to be able to forgive yourself. Once you forgive yourself, forgiving others will become much easier. (Miroslava Karet)
- Forgiveness is the economy of the heart; it saves from anger, from hatred and from wasting the spirit. (Hannah More)
- The hardest thing is to forgive yourself. So it's probably better to start with other people. It's almost like peeling an onion. Layer by layer, by forgiving others, you will actually get to the point where you can forgive yourself. (Patty Duke)
- Forgiveness is the restoration of freedom, it is the key in our hand to our own prison cell. (Stefan Wyszynski)
- We cannot accept God's forgiveness if we are so busy holding on to past wounds and harboring old grudges. (T.D. Jakes)
- Forgiveness is like driving a car in the dark: when you pass someone, you first have to switch the headlights from high to low. (Kazimierz Matan)
- He who judges his neighbor can always make mistakes. He who forgives him is never wrong. (Karl Heinrich Waggerl)
- Living in a world where no one will be forgiven, where everyone is doomed to damnation, is like living in hell. (Milan Kundera)
- You can forgive someone for cutting down a tree, breaking a valuable vase, or burning a painting, but this will not fix the damaged item. (Winston Graham)
- You don't have to wait for an apology to forgive. Forgiveness is the decision of the offended person. (Stasi Eldridge)
- On this divine earth, there is no man or woman who does not need forgiveness for something. (John Jakes)
Forgiveness promotes good health
Scientists have long provided convincing evidence that the ability to forgive someone is extremely beneficial for your health.
Indeed, when you are offended by someone, you gradually become ill in both body and soul. By learning to forgive and let go of all negative emotions and thoughts, you thereby deprive yourself of the “pleasure” of being ill with resentment. Accordingly, this cannot but have a positive impact on the health of your nervous system and heart, since forgiveness and the state of peace that follows will lead to a natural decrease in blood pressure.
When you forgive someone, the good feelings you receive from this action change you.
A change in thinking associated with forgiving other people is truly a better alternative to the desire to blame them for all mortal sins, which cannot but lead to improved relationships with others.
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Along with the ability to forgive, you will definitely have much more time to understand the actions of the people you meet along your life path. As a result, you will be less sensitive to dismissive and disrespectful actions towards yourself, becoming above it.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean continuing to maintain a relationship with the offender
Despite the fact that in the vast majority of cases, forgiving people who have offended you should be mandatory for you, too serious offenses such as betrayal, treason and crime can still be committed against you. And in this case, forgiveness should no longer be an end in itself for you. It should only become a way to stop the disease of resentment that is destroying your soul.
Having forgiven a person, you do not have to continue to maintain a relationship with him. In the end, this is your personal life. And you shouldn’t clutter it with communication with people who may pose a threat to you.
The meaning of the word forgive
forgive
forgive someone, forgive novg. to make simple from sin, guilt, debt; forgive, forgive someone a crime, remove an obligation from someone, release someone from punishment, from punishment; reconcile in heart, without harboring hostility for the offense, transfer anger to mercy; have mercy. God will forgive you, the answer to those asking for forgiveness; that is, it’s not for me to forgive you, I’m the same sinner. Be kind to one another, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you, Eph. Lord forgive me, but the same goes for our ancestors! One cane: Lord forgive me! Lord forgive me, but let me into someone else’s cage! about a bigot. Lord, forgive me, let me into someone else’s cage: help me to rake and carry it out! God will forgive a fool. God commanded to give, but did not command to ask (or take). Forgive me, my dear, for beating me (husband says to wife)! Don't ask from the rich, ask from the rich. The voivode's request is a strict order (mandate). Consider the master's request as an order. Forgive me for stupidity, don't judge me for simplicity! The guest is the guest, but he left - forgive me! Forty years - forgive my age! God will forgive the traveler (for example, not fasting). Our Abrosam does not ask, but they will give, he will not give up. Either ask, or don't ask. They don’t give it to someone who doesn’t ask. What you want, you ask for. We ask for our bread and salt! Hunchback, so guilty, may God forgive. There was guilt, but it was forgiven. Goodbye, don't worry! God does not torment for forgiven guilt. On the day of forgiveness, the son-in-law visits his mother-in-law. A thaw with frost on a forgiven day means a mushroom harvest. The radish and horseradish and the book of Ephraim (Lent) have arrived. | To free from torment, suffering, illness, to heal, or to resolve earthly ties, to give peace. Bishop Nikita forgave his wife for her illness and healed her. God forgave Metropolitan Peter at the tomb: the man’s leg was crippled and healed. God forgave the woman in labor, or sitting. , east forgave (forgave), freed from the burden, allowed. Now in the night God forgave grandfather, took him away, gave him death for rebirth. Forgive the seal, arkhan. cut down, kill with a tail on the head, according to the custom of industrialists. The fish is cut down, mowed, tamed, it goes to sleep; they say he fell asleep when he was frozen; the cattle are begged; the sea beast is forgiven or pardoned; God forgives, heals, or takes a person to himself. | Farewell, forgive, greetings to those who are parting, forgive, if you are guilty of anything, do not remember it unkindly. Forgive or goodbye forever, said the dying grammarian to his children, adding: both are equally correct. -sya, be forgiven. The first guilt is forgiven. To whom I swore, I say goodbye. | - with whom, to give the last greetings and kisses when parting. If you leave without saying goodbye, you will experience withdrawal symptoms. He got angry and left without saying goodbye. When dying, they say goodbye to God, to the white light and to good people. He said goodbye, said goodbye to his estate, lost it. He said goodbye to his conscience a long time ago; he doesn’t have one. Say goodbye, say goodbye, but don’t start doing the same thing again, that is, ask for forgiveness. No matter how much you say goodbye, you can’t get past it and go home! He says goodbye to every penny. | To say goodbye to someone, to ask for forgiveness, an apology, to apologize. I said goodbye to him, he forgave me. Say goodbye to the abbot (for any guilt) on that day, old man. PartingDahl's Dictionary
Don't judge other people
It is not for nothing that the Gospel of Matthew says: “Judge not, lest ye be judged...”. Indeed, judging other people will not make you happy and will only contribute to your negative thinking.
Our whole life is structured in such a way that we all come from different walks of life, and each of us has our own reasons for doing what we do. Even though you may not always understand why other people act in certain ways, their actions should not be judged or considered wrong. It's much easier to ignore it. All you really need to do is not spoil your positive attitude. You don't have to become a judge or juror. Instead, it is better to spend your time and energy on good deeds and good thoughts that will only enrich your life.
Bible: Topical Dictionary
forgiveness
♦ excusing human sins and shortcomings A. Themes in the Bible FORGIVENESS as the theme of Philemon: Philemon 17 B. Forgiveness among people 1. Examples of forgiveness ♦ Esau - his brother Jacob: Gen 33:4 ♦ Joseph - his brothers: Gen 50: 15-21 ♦ father - the prodigal son: Luke 15:17-24 ♦ Jesus - his enemies: Luke 23:34 ♦ Stephen - his enemies: Acts 7:60 ♦ Paul - those who fell away from him: 2 Tim 4:16 2. Required from Christians: Matthew 18:35; Luke 11:4; Eph 4:32; Col 3:13 C. God's Forgiveness of Us 1. Why God forgives ♦ because of His compassion: Ex 34:6,7; Micah 7:19 ♦ by His love: Ps 50:3 ♦ by His grace: Ps 102:8 ♦ by His mercy: Isa 55:7 2. How God forgives ♦ through the shedding of blood: Heb 9:22 ♦ foreshadowed by the Old Testament sacrifices: Lev 4:1–5:13 ♦ filled with the blood of Christ: Col 1:14; Col 2:13,14; Heb 9:14,28 ♦ Jesus can forgive sins: Mark 2:1-11 3. What happens to our sins ♦ disappear from sight: Isa 38:17 ♦ move away from us: Ps 102:12; Micah 7:19 ♦ are remembered no more: Isaiah 43:25; Jer 31:34 ♦ no longer exist: Ps 50:3,4,7,9; Isa 44:22; Acts 3:19 4. How we receive forgiveness ♦ by confessing our sins: Ps 31:5; 1 John 1:9 ♦ repenting of our sins: Acts 2:38; Acts 3:19 ♦ having believed in Christ: Luke 24:47; Acts 10:43; Acts 13:38
The process of forgiveness can be lengthy
We are all human and have the right to doubt and error. This also applies to such an issue as forgiveness. The wrongs committed against you may be too serious, and you should not try to forgive your offenders right away. Let some time pass. Your thoughts will calm down, and your heart will begin to beat less fast. Observe your abuser. Does he really deserve you to start talking to him again? Listen to yourself and answer the question: have you really already forgiven this person or have you just taken a small step in this direction?
Forgiveness
When we decide whether to forgive a person who has offended us or not, it seems to us that we are choosing humiliation or dignity. In fact, our choice often looks completely different: we choose one of two options - either illness and death, or preservation of health and life. Many people become seriously ill because they cannot forgive others or themselves.
Forgiveness is the renunciation of resentment, hatred and condemnation . Why is it necessary to forgive? How to forgive someone who has offended us? In order to answer these questions, you first need to understand what forgiveness is about.
First: we forgive in order to preserve love in our soul and in the soul of another, in order not to kill love through worship, attachment and aggressiveness. Forgiveness is accepting the destruction and loss of human happiness in order to gain the love of God. This is a sacrifice, this is a painful transition from the priority of the human to the priority of the Divine.
Second: forgiveness is the recognition of the Divine will in everything that happened . We cannot forgive another if we consider him guilty. But if we understand that the Divine will is absolute, that not even a hair will fall from a person’s head without a higher will, then we must admit that the person who offended us, from a higher point of view, is not guilty. Therefore, no matter what any person does, we have no right to be offended and desire revenge. Any regret, resentment and hatred directed against the person who has offended us is addressed to God. Therefore, not forgiving another person and regretting the past is blasphemy.
Third : forgiveness is the recognition that we ourselves provoked another person with our deep state. Inner stinginess and greed attract theft, condemnation attracts betrayal. Jealousy attracts betrayal, resentment attracts humiliation. Thus, forgiveness is an acknowledgment of one’s imperfection, a lack of love in the soul and, therefore, a willingness to change oneself, one’s character and educate one’s soul.
Fourth: hatred, resentment, condemnation are primitive forms of educating another person. Forgiveness means that we abandon the primitive level of education and move to a higher level, which implies that raising another is also self-education . By changing ourselves, we change the world around us and those around us. But since the process of education through one’s own change is quite long, we can simultaneously include the second aspect of education - helping another person in his change and development. You can be offended by a person, or you can approach him, sincerely express your complaints to him and thus help him change. Hatred, resentment and judgment must be replaced with sincerity, persistence and patience. Resentment and hatred are a subconscious desire to kill, and this is not the best method of education. The one who is killed will not want to change. And when we look at the offender as an object of education, we give him a chance to change.
The highest level of raising another person is continuous love in the soul . It allows the most inveterate offender, the most incapable of repentance, to change. Love helps to recognize the possibility and right to change for any person .
The upbringing of another should be aimed primarily not at the body and consciousness of a person, but at love in his soul, therefore forgiveness does not exclude punishment, harsh actions - not to destroy the wrongdoer, but to help him change. A loving person can be tough, but he will never be cruel. A loving person is gentle, but this gentleness does not corrupt the other, does not turn into people-pleasing.
We are accustomed to believing that forgiveness and punishment are two opposites , and if I have forgiven someone, then punishment is excluded. In fact, this is a half-truth. Punishment can be revenge and an attempt at destruction. But punishment can also be help, support, and salvation of a person. A person left without punishment becomes corrupted and then inevitably receives a much greater punishment.
Forgiveness involves profound changes. If we forgive without demanding changes, and leave an immoral act unpunished, we thereby harm the person’s soul, and he will take revenge on us for this. The energy of resentment will unfold and kill us.
Often we cannot punish another because we are afraid of hurting him . This is worship of the human soul when a loved one obscures God.
In Christianity, there are 4 main models of human upbringing.
If a person identifies himself with the body, he will be selfish and aggressive, and help should be as harsh as possible; such a person understands only the language of force. Everyone knows the phrase of Christ: “Do not throw pearls before swine and do not throw holy things to dogs.”
If a person identifies himself with consciousness, with spirit, he is also characterized by a feeling of the primacy of his “I” and the desire to control and subordinate others. Such a person must be forgiven as long as he strives to change; otherwise, it is also necessary to apply harsh methods of education to him, which consist in infringing on his instincts.
A person who identifies himself with the soul can be forgiven many times.
And as many times as you like, you can forgive a person who identifies himself with a soul turned to God. Such a person will definitely change, he just needs a little help.
What else needs to be done in order to forgive another person?
We need to understand that lack of forgiveness will kill not only us, but also our children .
We need to feel that the person who offended us is one with us. By killing him, we kill ourselves. You need to try to justify him, put yourself in his place and sympathize with him, feel compassion for him. Through repentance, one must cleanse the soul of aggression, removing worship and attachment to various aspects of human happiness.
It is necessary not only to forgive mentally, but also to forgive sensually . Not only to understand that we have forgiven, but also to feel it. A thought becomes an emotion, a reflex, a feeling after repeated repetitions. Therefore, by imagining the main painful situations hundreds of times, we, concentrating on love, must develop skills, reflexes of forgiveness and good nature . If we find out that a loved one has cheated or betrayed us and at that moment we begin to pray and forgive, nothing will work out for us; our soul, by inertia, will emit hatred, condemnation or despondency. But if, at the moment of any, even tiny, insult from a loved one, we forget about him and about the insults, rushing to God, and at the moment of any anxious thoughts, fears and despondency - also, then some time will pass - and we will feel in reality , how important for us is that eternal love that we carry within ourselves, without which it is impossible to live. And then we are already protected forever.
In order not to be offended and we do not need to forgive anyone, we need to behave in such a way that no one simply can offend us . The aggressive emotion of resentment is an attempt at self-defense; therefore, if you teach a person to defend himself differently, then there will be much less resentment in the soul. Let's say a person was deceived when buying an apartment. If he doesn't know what to do, he will be filled with resentment and hatred. But if he knows the law, consults with a lawyer, with friends on what to do in such cases, then his defense from dangerous aggressive emotions turns into a system of thoughtful actions . One of the conditions for the absence of stress and resentment is preparedness for any scenario.
You need to know your rights and be able to fight for your rights . You shouldn't be embarrassed to do this. If we are shy, we lead others into temptation. Usually a person behaves either like a rude master or like a polite servant, but you need to be a hospitable master of the situation - not allow yourself to be humiliated and not humiliate others.
If we thoughtlessly rely on another person , make ourselves dependent on him, allow him to manage our money uncontrollably, sooner or later he will offend us, that is, he will steal this money. If a man sends his wife to a party alone and says to her goodbye: “I trust you,” sooner or later she will offend him, that is, cheat on him.
Those who know how to transform their desires are not offended. For example, if you couldn’t fulfill your wish today, you can move it to tomorrow. Those. a desire is transformed if a person has modified it (in this case, the person has “extended” it - moved it to tomorrow). In order to carry out such a transformation, you must first learn to restrain your desires. The one who fasts and abstains, the one who knows how to sacrifice and keeps the commandments, knows how to restrain desires.
In order not to be offended, we need to have a harmonious internal state. Through love, a person gains complete inner independence from the world. Then no one can offend us.
Another very important point . Many are ready to forgive 99 people who have offended them, but will not forgive the hundredth. In this case, the work to change oneself turns out to be practically ineffective.
All of us - hunchbacked, deaf, blind, lame in body, spirit or soul - we are all doomed to come to God. Today we don’t know how to do something, but tomorrow we will learn. There have never been and never will be ideal people among us. The one who insulted us today is still Divine in essence. And in human terms, he will definitely become better - if not today, then tomorrow, if not tomorrow, then in a month. The body stops its evolution and collapses. And the evolution of internal plans continues. Therefore, every person should be looked at as a child who today does not know how to love, but after a while he will learn. Before God we are all children. To the extent that we look at all people and the whole world as children, it is easier for us to forgive. It is much easier to love a child with all his shortcomings than an adult.
When we love what we don’t like, through the form we already love the essence of what is happening, be it a situation or a person. When our love is not inhibited by the form, no matter how unpleasant this form may be, this means that we continuously love the content, that is, ultimately, the Creator.
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More excerpts from seminars on forgiveness
Revenge and forgiveness are mutually exclusive concepts
If you can forgive someone, then forgive, discarding all thoughts of possible revenge against your offender. Of course, sometimes this can be too difficult to do, and only time, which has already been mentioned above, can help you get through this. Remember that if you bury the hatchet, but its handle continues to stick out of the ground, it means that you have never forgiven this person...
Alas, life really is short. Forget about the offender and focus on love and good thoughts.
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Important conditions for forgiveness
I will list some important conditions for forgiveness, some kind of tips on this path, sometimes they can be considered as stages, there will be five of them.
First: honesty. It is important to realize that I am offended, and at least admit it to myself first. It's complicated. There are reasons that prevent us from honestly admitting this to ourselves, I will talk about them in detail below.
Second , oddly enough: the desire to forgive. It seems like everyone has it, but it's not that simple.
The third important condition: trying to understand the other, decentration. To get out of the circle of resentment towards forgiveness, we need to break away from our experiences and think about why the other person did this. In resentment, we are very focused on ourselves: I am poor and unhappy, everyone is against me, what a sufferer I am. And it is very important to shift the focus of attention from yourself to another.
Fourth: what Bishop Anthony of Sourozh said: “do not judge him, Lord.”
And the fifth , although far from the last, thing that can be useful on the path of forgiveness: an attempt to look at the offender, and even better - both at him and at himself - through the eyes of God. It is very difficult to look at ourselves through the eyes of God, because our image of God is distorted; often parental traits are attributed to him: authority, severity, detachment, indifference, etc.
Often in therapy you can hear: “God doesn’t care about me, and who am I that He should listen to me.” And then it turns out, as a rule, that in childhood the mother did not care about this person, she was not interested in him, did not hear, etc. - like tracing paper.
Now let's move on to each of the indicated conditions and talk in detail.
