Honoring parents and obeying parents
Some time ago, the article “Parental Immunity” was published on the portal Pravoslavie.ru (magazine “Vinograd” No. 6, 2022). The article raised many questions among readers. We offered to answer these questions to Archpriest Dimitry Roshchin, rector of the Church of St. Nicholas on the Three Mountains, and Abbot Augustin (Zayarny), editor-in-chief of the magazine “Vinograd”.
Seeds. Artist: Leonid Baranov
– Can parents, by their evil deeds towards their children, commit self-abnegation from the fifth commandment?
O. Dimitri:
– The commandment to honor parents is given not for parents, but for children. Therefore, no matter how parents behave, children are obliged to fulfill it. Another question is that not everyone clearly understands what this veneration should consist of. In my opinion, honor is non-judgment. We have no right to pass judgment on our parents. We children cannot discuss or condemn their actions. This is veneration. Of course, parents are different. There are indifferent, angry, rude parents. But here it is useful to remember one more commandment - it is no longer about parents, but about people in general: “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). If your parents turned out to hate and offend you, the Lord commanded to bless them and do good to them. This is the highest ideal of Christianity to which we must strive.
O. Augustin:
– The fifth commandment is very deep, very effective, it is not just some kind of wish. There is a spiritual law according to which the will of God is proclaimed to children, including through their parents, no matter what they are. In our Pskov-Pechersky Monastery, under Father John (Krestyankin), we did not accept into the monastery a person who did not have the blessing of his father and mother to become a monk. A young man comes and says: “I want to go to a monastery.” Father John asks him: “How are your parents?” - “Yes, they are not church members, they are against it.” And Father John did not bless such a person to stay in the monastery.
There is a spiritual law according to which the will of God is proclaimed to children, including through parents
Even if parents behave inappropriately, are not Christians, or rudely interfere in the lives of their children - in none of these cases the fifth commandment ceases to apply. There is not a single reason why children could renounce their parents. Of course, adult children must protect their family, including from intrusive relatives; but this does not mean that parents should become strangers to them.
– How to honor a mother who insults adult children, demands that her instructions be followed, and makes endless claims?
O. Dimitri:
Do not confuse honor and obedience
– Honoring parents and obeying parents are two different things. I will repeat that for me, honor is non-judgment. We do not condemn the actions of parents, their inclinations, human weaknesses. But we are obliged to obey our parents only up to a certain point - before the start of independent life. And then parents can only be advisors for their children, but not despots. There is no need to confuse honor and obedience. If our parents tell us to do something that does not coincide with our point of view, with our structure, we are not obliged to obey them. You can listen, take note, but not follow orders. Moreover, if what they say contradicts the commandments.
Hegumen Augustin (Zayarny) O. Augustin :
- Of course, there are parents who want to control their children until their death - this is wrong. We must understand that if a child is already an adult and has his own family, one cannot interfere in this family, one cannot command it. Even giving advice needs to be done very carefully so as not to irritate anyone. You need to understand that your child’s family is, in fact, someone else’s family. Not yours, not really yours. Grandfathers and grandmothers must realize that their function now is to pray for their children, to provide all possible help - if they ask for it. In advice, if asked. It is always useful to remember that you can only give advice to the person who asks for advice, otherwise it is just words in the wind.
There are many examples when mothers want their children’s family to have everything according to their wishes. If such mothers are given power, they can destroy the family. As a rule, such women are very conflicted and scandalous, so it is better to limit communication with them. Try not to get into quarrels, keep peace as much as possible; somehow adapt, find an acceptable level of communication. The main thing is not to set a schedule: we call once a week, we meet once a month. The schedule is a sign of a cooling relationship.
– The child is always in a weak position in relation to the parent. How to protect yourself from parenting mistakes?
O. Dimitri:
– If a parent abuses his power, the child, while he is small, cannot do anything about it. But I do not agree that the child is always in a dependent state. As parents approach old age, children and parents change places. If earlier parents were generous towards the child and tolerated his infancy and adolescence, now children should be generous towards their parents. We endure their infirmities, whether old or human. But if our parents offended us, this does not give us the moral right to do the same to them. By responding with good to evil, we lose nothing, we only gain.
O. Augustin:
If you offended your son or daughter, you need to ask for forgiveness
– Any Christian, parent or child, can make mistakes. As Christians, we must understand that any mistake towards another person requires repentance. If you have offended your son or daughter, you need to ask for forgiveness. This is a natural thing. The problem is that many people do not understand such simple, natural things. That is, they understand that they are wrong, but cannot admit it - pride, perhaps fear for their parental authority, does not allow them. However, this is a misconception: in pedagogy, the authority of an adult only increases if he asks the child for forgiveness. If a university teacher honestly answers a question, “I don’t know,” he will not lose, but increase his authority. It is useful for parents to admit their mistakes. But a child should not demand that a parent ask for forgiveness, even if the parent is clearly wrong. A child can desire this, pray for it, but cannot demand it.
In all controversial situations, a more spiritual person comes forward. It is best to cover someone else's aggression with love. If both sides understand this, the problem will resolve itself. If not, the issue can be resolved by the side that is currently more spiritual.
– How useful is it for parents to demand traditional veneration from their children ? Will the fifth commandment become a reason for parents to justify their passions?
Archpriest Dimitry Roshchin O. Dimitry :
– Respect and self-love must be earned in a certain way. We cannot demand respect. If we demand that others fulfill the commandments, we ourselves must fulfill them, otherwise we are powerless. I can be a priest, even a bishop, but if I myself do not fulfill the commandments, no one will listen to me. I must be an example, otherwise all my words are empty sounds. We give a person freedom, reasonable freedom. While the child is in our power, until he comes of age, we have the right to demand obedience, but this demand must certainly be coupled with love. And we must understand that initially we are raising a person who does not belong to us. We are not rulers over our children, so we must prepare our children for freedom. This is like the relationship between God and man: God gives man freedom, man accepts it and honors God for giving him the opportunity to be free - that is, similar to Himself.
O. Augustin:
– If a mother complains all the time that she gets little attention, that she is not loved enough, this is wrong. This suggests that she wants to be the center of attention, so she demands this attention from morning to night. Such women can even be churchgoers - and yet believe that since she came to the house, everyone should serve her. The root of this fairly common problem is elementary selfishness. In this case, adult children need to try to take a middle position: leaving their mother is impossible, but living the life of their mother or living only for their mother is wrong. You need to very gently ignore, not pay attention to scandals. It's better not to swear. Wisdom is necessary; if it’s not there, humble yourself and endure it, biting your lips.
– There is a lot of talk about how children should respect their parents. Shouldn't parents respect their children?
O. Dimitri:
– Each side has its own commandment. Children have a commandment to honor their parents. But parents also have a commandment regarding their children. The Apostle says: “Do not provoke your children to anger” (Eph. 6:4). Saint Theophan the Recluse gives the following interpretation of this commandment: “In the way you act on them, do not bring them to the point where they can become displeased, angry, annoyed, or angry with you.” It doesn’t matter whether the other side fulfills the commandment or not, we still must do our part. Each person is responsible only for his own commandment.
It doesn’t matter whether the other side fulfills the commandment or not, we still must do our part.
When parents fight with older children, I always tell the parents that they should make the first move because they are wiser and older. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. An attempt at reconciliation should come from the parents.
O. Augustin:
– It is the duty of parents to treat their children with reverence. A child's duty is to honor his parents. But if a child tells his parents: “You owe me!”, and the parents tell the child: “You owe us!” – this is a deadlock situation. Ultimately, the problem of fathers and sons is difficult to solve because people are imperfect. And yet, children, as a rule, understand many things better than their parents. They are more well-read, more spiritual, paradoxically. They should straighten out the situation. Patience, prayer and work will grind everything down.
Ask them for advice
We honor our parents when we ask them for advice in various life situations. The Bible quite often associates age with wisdom and youth with folly (Prov. 20:29, Job 12:12) and tells us that those who live longer gain more wisdom. Therefore, there is no shame in relying on the advice and wisdom of your elders when you need to make important decisions in life. In some cultures this is normal, in others it is shunned. But in any case, when we turn to our parents for help, we show respect for them, even if we subsequently cannot take advantage of their advice.
Support them
We show respect when we support our parents. And I'm not just talking about financial assistance, but also about other forms of love and care. I remember the story of David at a very difficult moment in his life, when his friends turned away from him and his enemies attacked. In this situation, he cried out to God: “Do not reject me in my old age; when my strength fails…” (Ps. 70:9). David was afraid of a situation where old age and isolation combined, he was afraid of being old and alone. Our parents are afraid of this too.
When we are young, we have strength, we crave independence. Our parents raise us to be strong and free. But there is a catch, a price, so to speak, for all this: while giving us independence, they themselves are losing it every year (Eccl. 12:1-8). We honor our parents when we promise them not to leave them alone in old age. Just as they took care of us, we will take care of them. This is our duty and it should be our joy.
At a time when millions of elderly people live alone, placed in nursing homes or hospitalized, surrounded by professionals rather than family, Christians have an opportunity to show the world a special respect for parents. Kent Hughes says that even when parents don't need money, "Christians still have a responsibility to show their personal concern for them." You can hire caregivers, but this is not enough. Caring cannot be outsourced. It is impossible to refuse parents emotional support and communication, because even non-believers do not do this.
Commandment with promise
The Ten Commandments have a very important role in this world: they teach man according to God's intended purpose. The God who created us reveals His law to lead us to a fulfilling, satisfying life. These commandments tell a rebellious, disorganized people how to live in obedience and order. And the fifth commandment teaches people who are prone to disobeying authority, that is, all of us: “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, so that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land where the Lord your God yours, gives it to you” (Deut. 5:16).
Have you noticed that God adds blessings to this commandment? Many centuries later, the Apostle Paul recalls the blessings when addressing the children of Ephesus: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is what justice requires. Honor your father and mother; this is the first commandment with a promise: that it may go well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (Eph. 6:1-3). Hidden in these two sentences are three reasons for children to honor their parents and two great promises to those who fulfill the commandment.
