To be honest, I didn’t dare to write this article for a long time. Think for yourself, you can write something about prayer, raising children, the benefits of the Bible and Christ Himself. And I’m “about this”... If we also take into account that the topic of intimate relationships in marriage is diligently avoided in local churches, and books on this topic are extremely rare and mostly suspicious, then I seem to be stepping into a minefield.
Everything changed when once again I heard the bitter story of a classic story for me: she constantly avoided him, he lived in grief and temptation, then there was a fall and divorce, and she continues to sing in the choir.
Of course, I should make a reservation that it could be the other way around: he avoided her, and she lived in grief... Yes, this happens too. But it is worth recognizing that this happens much less often. The most common situation is when a wife avoids intimacy with her husband. And I give you my word that I would not even begin to take on this article if again and again I had not encountered another bitter story, another problem, which, admittedly, for a long time people do not even dare to open, but having opened it, they understand that no one is going to solve it. The problem is “not spiritual.” But what’s even worse, in my opinion, is that when they decide to solve it, they solve it in a very one-sided way. Often ministers simply prescribe “abstinence” for husbands! This is true. At first I thought I was wrong, but no, there is some amazing pattern. As soon as the preacher comes to this sensitive issue, as soon as he begins to address the injured party, he prescribes abstinence. Let me clarify: abstinence in marriage! I’ll note right away that I know that in marriage there is also a place and time for abstinence, and I’ll talk about this a little later. More often than not, the instruction given by the preacher is, at best, unbalanced, and at worst, pseudo-spiritual. This is similar to medicine in the army in the nineties, when they gave the same pill for any ailment.
Another important caveat. I understand that the problem can be complex. It is quite possible that an intimately “extinguished” woman is an ordinary consequence of the fact that she was actively “extinguished.” Over the past years of serving in my community, after many conversations with people from other churches, communication with pastors, I have come across different stories. Yes, it happens that a spouse is tough, rude... It happens that someone is really a tyrant at home... Someone lives with an unbelieving spouse and suffers from his aggression and infidelity... How difficult it is to please such a person! This is impossible without imitation of Christ! All these situations require more attention, they are individual, and it is not possible to talk about this within the scope of this article. But most problems are not of this level at all. Much more often, the reasons for dissatisfaction and avoidance of intimacy are petty whims, pseudo-spirituality and incorrect priorities.
So, I ask you to join me in rethinking some of our long-held beliefs regarding the topic of avoidance of intimacy in marriage and look at this topic as a “spiritual” one. Of course, this material is not exhaustive. These are just observations in the light of real stories and in the light of Scripture, dictated by the desire to replace pseudo-spirituality with pleasing Christ. May the Lord keep our hearts pure and our marriage intact and loving.
God's Design for Intimacy
The Bible says a lot - but also doesn't say a lot. In my opinion, those points that are discussed are especially important. God made sure that we knew about them and did not miss His opinion about them. I don’t argue that what the Bible didn’t directly say can also be important in the light of general biblical principles, but still. Let me explain. For example, in the Bible there are no words about what renovation should be like in your apartment (everyone has different opportunities and circumstances), there are no words about what a man should give his wife flowers, diamonds or a fur coat (this also depends on the culture in which you live and from opportunities, but this is not a commandment). There are no words about going to a restaurant, because not everyone can afford this form of showing love. And Scripture is also silent about a quality vacation... And all this does not at all guarantee love between spouses. I’ll tell you straight: if my body produced dollars along with hormones, then for me personally there would be no difficulty in giving them to my wife. But my capabilities and abilities in the material sphere are limited and very different from the rich of this world. Moreover, this restriction is not a sin. (I don’t mean to encourage the greed or laziness of some spouses with my words. Some need to repent and reconsider their stingy “financial policies” towards their spouse. You may be acting selfishly. So don’t misuse my words.)
At the same time, Scripture speaks quite a lot and directly about the intimate relationships of spouses. They are not only procreation, but also an expression of the special closeness of a husband and wife in a marriage union, and a consolation and pleasure given by God, and a manifestation of love, and a wonderful “duty” that should be pleasant and easy to repay, and a protection from the temptation of Satan (see Gen. 1:22; Eph. 5:31; Prov. 5:18-19; 1 Peter 4:1, 10-11; 1 Cor. 7:3-5). I am amazed and amazed at this gift of God for marriage. God's design is such that special closeness, warmth, affection does not at all depend on wealth, time of year, having a car or a good job. Even if you don’t have anything “monetary,” you can always make a surprise, provide mutual support, show love and attention in a special way that no one else can.
Nomocanon on marital relations during Lent and some other days
In addition to the Holy Scriptures, the Holy Tradition has great authority in the Old Believer Church.
The observance of marital inviolability during Lent is positively indicated by the church rule in the Great Trebnik : “The laity should abstain from their wives throughout the entire holy Great Lent. If he falls with his wife during the holy fast, then he should not receive communion on Easter, but the entire fast will be dishonored: but he should keep the white belt from his lawful wives, as it was said, for the entire fast ” (Nomocanon of the Faster, ch. 40).
A. S. Pavlov writes about the origin of this rule in his study “Nomocanon at the Great Trebnik”: “It is not entirely appropriate to add to the Slavic text that spouses should abstain from the common bed during the Lent of Pentecost, for the first time made in the third Kiev edition of the Nomocanon, in which its very source is indicated: Sava (monk?), mouth. Ch. 52 (of course, probably the charter of St. Saba of Jerusalem). The same rule is found in the Nomocanon of Fasting. The observance of this rule is insisted on by: Balsamon in the 52nd response to Mark of Alexandria, the imaginary John, Bishop of Cytra (Hermchaia, ch. 58, right. 2) and the scholiast Pidalion in one of the notes to the 69th apostolic canon” [2]. (The third Kiev edition of “Nomocanon” was published in 1629 with a foreword by Archimandrite of the Kiev-Pechersk Lavra Peter Mogila - editor’s note).
About avoiding your wives on Sundays and on Lent, it is said in the second answer of John , Bishop of Kitra, to Bishop Kabasil : “About desecrating your wives on Week and Lent. Below, on the evening of the Lord’s day, their wives do not want to be defiled, as the apostle said, let them cease in prayer, forbid those who sin to the greatest extent, correct them, and also on Holy Pentecost, and keep many more clean days for yourself from your spouses. (Translation: “Those who, even on the evening of the Lord’s day, do not want to shy away from their wives, as the apostle said, in order to spend time in prayer, should be corrected with prohibitions in moderation; also on Holy Pentecost, more than on other days, they should keep themselves clean from spouse" [3].
Rule 63 of the Nomocanon also advises abstinence on Sundays and great holidays: “At other times, let them not deprive one another, according to the Apostle, but during communion and antidoron, in weeks, and on special holidays, and this by consent.” The sources for this article were Rules 5, 7 and 13 of Timothy of Alexandria , with an addition from the Nomocanon of the Postnik [4].
Patriarch Theodore Balsamon of Antioch, in his response to Patriarch Mark of Alexandria, points out the unworthiness of Communion for intemperate spouses. " Question 52 . If during the Fourty-Day Fast the spouses do not abstain, will they receive the Divine Mysteries on the world-saving holiday of Great Easter or not? Answer : If we are taught to abstain even from eating fish and not simply allow fasting during the entire Holy Pentecost, as well as on Wednesdays and Fridays, then even more so spouses are forced to abstain from carnal intercourse. Therefore, those spouses who committed such an illegality and exchanged the saving repentance for satanic intemperance, which comes from fasting and removal from carnal lusts (as if a whole year was not enough for them to satisfy their carnal lusts), are not only not honored with Holy Divine Communion on the Holy Day Great Easter, but they also correct it with penances.”
A unique place for intimacy
Please note that spouses can find at least a temporary replacement for each other’s services in almost everything. In everything except this area. For example, I will not sin if I eat lunch prepared by another woman. Besides, I can go to the cafeteria. I can call a cleaning company to do a good cleaning, or I can clean it myself. We can even ask someone to babysit our children for a while. I will say more, you can even adopt other people’s children if the spouses cannot have their own. But in the area of intimacy, spouses become simply irreplaceable! No one can replace my wife, and no one can replace me for her. I am completely dependent on her, and she is completely dependent on me in this area. The problem often lies in the fact that we do not feel this “dependence” in the same way due to physiology, mood and egoism. But think about it, if this area is so unique, being one where we are irreplaceable, then isn’t it necessary to assist each other in every possible way? If one spouse, who needs less (or does not need at all), refuses, leaves, evades or does not show attention to the spouse who is completely dependent on him for this, then he puts him in a hopeless position, gets the opportunity to manipulate and - I’m not afraid of it words - even betrays him. There is no other area of marriage in which your role is so unique and indispensable. Because of sin, the party who feels less need for intimacy receives a carnal “advantage.” In the world, manipulation of close relationships is a very common phenomenon. But it won't lead to any good. For those who did not know, I will say that for a spouse to experience forced dependence on an indifferent neighbor in this area is incredibly humiliating and offensive. Try to switch places: isn’t it offensive for a woman, for example, to beg for a kiss, a gentle hug from her husband, or money for food, travel, or necessary clothing? It’s doubly offensive if you need to somehow “earn” it in the eyes of your spouse, but his mood can change everything in an instant. This is just a shame! But it is ten times more offensive to beg for reciprocity in intimacy and wait for your spouse to be favorable to you. Especially when you need to “earn” it.
Where does passion go?
In fact, the factors that greatly influence physical attraction and constant maintenance of the spark in a relationship are very banal and ordinary.
Perhaps the novelty has worn off, or you and your wife are tired of work, children, social life, and you have no time or energy left for lovemaking.- Perhaps you're not in the mood because you're unhappy with your body or appearance, or because you're experiencing some other difficulty in your relationship.
- Additionally, your sex life may be declining due to psychological factors, chronic illness, medications, depression, or addiction. The number of possible reasons is almost endless.
It's important to understand the bottom: Whatever the reason, it is important to understand that bringing intimacy back into your marriage is necessary, because only in very rare cases can building a healthy relationship be possible without this component.
With all this in mind, sex can be a rather challenging aspect of your life. It is beautiful, funny, unique and enjoyable, but on top of all that, it is associated with self-esteem, emotions, intimacy, health and personal history.
You may think of it as just fun, but it could be the central cause of tension in your relationship. A lack of passion, sex and intimacy can be the downfall of a marriage unless both partners have a low sex drive.
Unfortunately, when it comes to sex, it's very easy to fall into a vicious circle: it's hard to want sex without emotional intimacy, and it's hard to maintain an emotional connection without physical attraction. In short, the less happy you are, the less you want sex, and the less sex you have, the more unhappy you are in your relationship.
What to do in such a seemingly hopeless situation?
First of all, analyze yourself. It is very important to understand why you and your wife still don’t want sex, as it was before, to find the root cause. This topic was given special attention in one of the articles already published earlier. In addition, you can find other tips that will help not only revitalize intimacy, but also strengthen your marriage. You can read this material here.
But what about abstinence from intimacy?
There is a true rumor that often the uninterested party thinks: “It’s just sex, he (or she) only has carnal desires, not love.” This kind of argument is scary. But be consistent: this excuse can work in other areas too! Can't your spouse think the same way about your desires for money, renovations, help, or vacations? Bring it, fix it, call it, build it, buy it, pay for it, take care of it, create romance... - everything, absolutely everything in these areas can be called carnal desires. And at the same time, everything can be (and should be) a manifestation of love, first for God, and then for one’s neighbor. If you consider intimate relationships in marriage to be only carnal desire and think about them with disdain, then this is a kind of “Corinthian false spirituality” (1 Cor. 5 and 7). The Corinthians, in their spiritual immaturity, constantly confused important things. They were thrown from one extreme to another. For example, they could not behave abstinently outside of marriage (falling into fornication), but in marriage they could decide to show special abstinence from their own spouses. So Paul had to correct the way they understood his words again and again.
Closeness in recreation and entertainment
The second type of intimacy is intimacy in recreation and entertainment. This intimacy is a bond that is formed and strengthened by spending time together. These activities can range from mild (like doing a crossword puzzle) to extreme (like hang gliding), but it is the mutual enjoyment derived from these activities that fuels the unity of a married couple. This type of intimacy usually peaks in the early stages of a relationship, when both want to do and try things outside of their comfort zone just for the sake of being close to each other. As this presence becomes more the norm than the exception, the desire to engage in activities that are not of interest to one of the partners usually disappears. Moreover, when life is complicated by work, children, household chores and much more, opportunities for entertainment and recreation are sharply reduced, and costs skyrocket. Yet God designed us to enjoy life and activities—especially with our spouses (Eccl. 9:9). Our families need to be able to laugh and have fun together while going through difficult times and working hard at times.
“Insurance” of marriage through intimacy
When you are studying a question, topic, or problem, the best place to find a description of that problem is in Scripture itself. But to my surprise, I found nothing similar in the Old Testament section, and in the New Testament the only exception was 1 Corinthians 7. But even this exception describes a slightly different problem. In Old Testament history, I did not find a single conflict or simple description of a situation in which a wife would shy away from intimacy with her husband. There the picture looks completely different. Instead of “I don’t want to,” Leah and Rachel bargain for the opportunity to spend the night in a tent with Jacob. They literally “purchase” this right (Gen. 30:14-16). It's clear why they try so hard. They compete to be the beloved, most important wife who has given birth to her husband's many children. In that culture it was quite honorable. It turns out that you can try when it is beneficial for the flesh: “And Leah said: “God has given me a wonderful gift; now my husband will live with me, for I have given birth to him six sons.” And she called his name Zebulun” (Gen. 30:20).
I don’t have the opportunity to review all the Old Testament stories, but the overall picture is this: avoiding your husband in that culture and at that time was not profitable. The woman depended on her husband financially, was afraid of not pleasing, was afraid of competition, and also understood that many children were a guarantee of success for her and her family. Vagaries in the sphere of intimate relationships would look very strange. Therefore, in the history of patriarchs, kings and other righteous and unrighteous characters, such a problem is not recorded. In Old Testament times, God said: “Blessed be your Fountain; and take comfort in the wife of your youth, the dear doe and the beautiful brimstone: let her breasts intoxicate you at all times, delight in her love constantly. And why do you, my son, get carried away by strangers and embrace someone else’s breasts?” (Prov. 5:18-20) Probably, Solomon had no idea that the “amiable doe” may not be very amiable and not at all in the mood to “constantly please her husband with love.” In this regard, it was, of course, easier for the kings and their sons. But I'm guessing most readers don't sit on a throne.
What do we find in New Testament history? The same! This problem does not seem to occur at all until the 7th chapter of 1 Corinthians. But there the problem is somewhat different. Corinth was a very corrupt city. Abstinence was hardly the norm there. Having preached Christ to these people, Paul told them that fornication and adultery were displeasing to God. Not touching a woman in this sense is good. But the Corinthians, due to their immaturity, transferred this idea to marriage. To be more “spiritual,” the spouses began to deny intimacy to each other. Perhaps they sought to be like Paul, who was celibate. They could be proud of their position. This attitude is evident from the description of their character in the message. However, Paul says that even this is displeasing to God. Abstinence is necessary, but not at all in marriage. A Christ-influenced marriage can (though not always) be a good defense in a corrupt city. This is the will of God!
In the modern world, non-believing women also feel their vulnerability more clearly. They know that few men will be faithful to them given their cold attitude towards him. This gives rise to constant suspicions and efforts to control your husband, his free time or business trips. For the same carnal reason, they are able to take more initiative. Of course, there are exceptions when an unbelieving wife does not see in her husband the carnal courage to object to her or the opportunity to limit her in some way, it seems to her that no one will set their sights on him, or she believes that she is doing him a favor by living with him . If the situation is not like that, then the majority does not want to risk the well-being of the family.
But Christian women seem to have a safety net in this regard, namely, the moral beliefs of their husbands that prohibit them from having sex outside of marriage. Jesus said that even “looking lustfully” at another woman is adultery (Matthew 5:28). If this is so, then the husband, of course, will not dare. He will feel guilty even thinking about it. My husband fears God, which means I can relax. If the wife is not very dependent on her husband financially (although this is strange) and calmly realizes her tenderness in raising children, then she will be doubly calm about this. But this is false calm...
Some wives tend to think that they already please God, but their husbands want something “carnal” or “sinful” from them. They believe that men can and should restrain their desires for Christ's sake. Thus, there is an interesting and one-sided concept of piety: it is generally accepted among Christians that for the sake of Christ and with the help of the Spirit, a husband can constantly restrain his sexual desires. At the same time, for some reason it is not generally accepted that for the sake of Christ and with the help of the same Spirit, a wife can show desire and reciprocate her husband’s feelings. That is, it turns out that the Holy Spirit is interested in working, first of all, in restraining desire, which is completely legitimate in marriage. But shouldn't He be interested in teaching the other party to serve his neighbor in marriage, to be with him, and not to withdraw from him, which would be illegal?
Perhaps in some family it is common for a man to shy away from his wife. Then the same questions should be addressed to him.
What prevents one spouse from reciprocating for the sake of Christ and with the help of the Spirit? Most often these are his personal desires. If you think about it, any reluctance is desire turned inside out. You can say: “I don’t want to get up!”, or you can say: “I want to sleep!” You can say: “I don’t want to go!”, but in another way it sounds like this: “I want to stay at home!” The essence does not change: the other side of any reluctance is desire. A wife who refuses her husband, at a minimum, wants something of her own: rest, peace, the opportunity to do something else, and so on. She wants this more than obedience to God and her husband.
Of course, there are situations when the reasons are more serious: for example, fear of getting pregnant again. Perhaps one of the spouses is no longer satisfied with the appearance or neatness of the other. Most of these reasons can be solved, albeit not quickly, but they can be solved if there is a desire to serve God and neighbor in love, if the worship of Christ has not been lost in this family. But within the scope of this article I cannot devote time to all these issues. This would be a whole book already.
How to open a new round of passion in marriage
Having dealt with the reasons for the extinction of sexual desire in marriage, we can talk about how to revive it again. So, let's first discuss the steps you need to take if you want to rediscover the intimate side of your marriage.
Be realistic
If you're expecting the extraordinarily magical and passionate sex that you and your wife had on your honeymoon, you may be asking for too much. It's one thing to rekindle the intimate side of your marriage, but it's another thing entirely to get those butterflies in your stomach that you remember from when you first met her.
What to do?
Be patient and understand that you cannot achieve everything at once. In order to revive the previous attraction, you need to work and wait for the result patiently, try and achieve success step by step. By the way, many of these steps are described in more detail in another article on the topic of marriage on the verge of divorce. Read it and you will see how much you can do to regain a warm relationship with your loved one.
Talk about sex
The mere fact that your honeymoon is over is not an indicator that you cannot survive the new stage of your relationship. To achieve it, you must do one very important thing - start communicating with your wife, and communicate not about anything, but about intimacy.
Many couples are unable to talk about sex because they feel embarrassed and silently hope that everything will change on its own, as if by magic. It is very important to be open and honest with your wife and understand that beating around the bush will not help anything.
How to break such silence?
Try saying something like, “I want to add a little fire to our sex life. We have developed bad habits” or “We need to have sex just like we do all the other things that are important to us. I think we need to find time for this. I miss you".
Give her time
The first step to building bridges across the chasm that separates you from your loved one is to make time for each other outside the bedroom. Your relationship should be a priority for both of you. Find time to be alone at least three times a week. This could be evening dates, hugs, sharing a common hobby, and so on. If you're already doing this, try something new.
Try a new sport together, go to a master class on cooking or intimate relationships. New common interests are the easiest way to renew the connection between you. When you try something new, it requires a lot of focus on your part and, believe it or not, it is very beneficial for your sex life.
Create your own little rituals and traditions
Rituals in a married couple are habits unique to your family that you share with your loved one. It’s all very simple: you brush your teeth together, kiss each other before leaving for work, tell some jokes that only you understand, or arrange a competition to see who can answer the most questions in a quiz. Choose whatever you want, as long as you both enjoy it, and maintain this ritual for years.
Where can I get them from?
Think about it: maybe you have already done all this, but because of the routine you just somehow forgot? Again: communicate, talk to your wife and say that you really liked it when, for example, you drank coffee together in the morning, and not in a hurry and apart. Tell me how much you want these moments of intimacy back. She will appreciate it very much.
Add romance and flirtation
Take a moment to remember how your relationship began when you had just fallen in love with your current wife. Remember how she made you laugh or teased you. Bringing that playful flirting back to life is one of the easiest ways to rekindle the fire in your married life.
While people are just dating, they are great at flirting with each other. They often write messages with sexual overtones, speak in hints, smile and ruffle their hair, dress to the nines and, in general, try with all their might to attract the chosen one.
Have you stopped doing all this?
Understand: flirting is a key component, without which there will not be that sexual spark. And if you even look at your wife more passionately, she will probably be interested in it. Text her or call her and hint that you want her. You will be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.
Touch her
All people respond to physical contact, so when it comes to revitalizing the intimate aspects of a marriage, it makes sense to significantly increase the amount of physical touch. By doing this, you will significantly strengthen your intimate connection with your wife.
Have no idea where to start?
Start by lightly brushing her arm as you pass her in the living room, or holding hands while walking. Kiss her in the morning, in the evening and when you meet her after work. Sit close to her when you watch TV, and when you go to bed, touch your wife with at least one part of your body. And When you are already in bed, let everything be spontaneous and easy. Give her time to warm up through sensual sensations.
Intellectual intimacy
The third type of intimacy is intellectual intimacy. Intellectual intimacy is connecting with each other by discussing certain issues. Topics, again, can be both light (favorite film) and very serious (political issues). But by doing this mental work with our spouse, we strengthen the threads of our relationship. Like recreational togetherness, intellectual intimacy tends to culminate early in a relationship.
This often happens because people are still just getting to know each other and how each of them views certain issues. But time passes, and the spouses, believing that they know their partner’s opinion on almost all issues, stop exploring each other’s intellectual world. However, although each spouse can usually guess in general terms what the other thinks on a given issue, it is the details that matter. No matter how many times a couple has discussed a particular topic, there is almost always something new that can be learned or discussed. And the reward for the effort is worth the effort.
