Childhood and youth
Hieromonk Vasily (in the world Igor Ivanovich Roslyakov) was born in Moscow on December 10/23, 1960. His father, Ivan Fedorovich Roslyakov, was a military man. During the Great Patriotic War, he bravely fought in the Northern Fleet, and then continued his service in law enforcement. Igor's mother, Anna Mikhailovna, worked as a weaver in a Moscow factory.
The birth of a son in the Roslyakov family was a long-awaited joy, since Ivan Fedorovich was already 43 years old at that time, and Anna Mikhailovna was 40. Soon after the birth of the boy, the happy parents baptized their beloved son and named him Igor - in honor of the blessed Grand Duke Igor of Chernigov .
The Roslyakov family lived in Moscow, in a small apartment in a five-story building. Igor grew up as a very kind, smart and independent child. Before he started school, his mother gave him a hanger, showed him a place for his school suit and said: “This is where you’ll hang your clothes, son.” And Igor himself, without any reminders, hung the suit in its place.
Studying was going well. The memory was simply magnificent. He listened carefully to what was said in class, and the next day he easily repeated what was said and received good grades.
At about the age of nine, Igor began swimming seriously. Before that, he was very afraid of water, but still overcame his fear, went and signed up for the water polo section. Although bodily exercise is of little benefit (1 Tim. 4:8), says the Apostle Paul, the Wisdom of God arranges it in such a way that the All-Merciful Lord often turns non-spiritual activities to the salvation of the soul. So Saint Basil the Great, even in his youth, before receiving baptism, was so carried away by secular sciences that often, sitting at his books, he even forgot about the need to eat. But when his truth-loving soul came to know the One and Almighty God, the acquired skill served to strengthen him in monastic deeds. So Igor, taking part in competitions, became courageous, bold, and decisive. The desire to win gave rise to seriousness and purposefulness. All these qualities gradually increased and strengthened in the soul of the future monk, in order to prepare it for heroism by the incomprehensible Providence of God and decorate it with the crown of martyrdom.
In those years, the atheistic government sought to destroy Orthodoxy and replace its true essence. Beautiful temples were destroyed, and clubs and cinemas were built in their place. The children were taught that all believers were ignorant, illiterate, mentally ill people. By in every possible way spreading slander and false ideas about the Church of Christ, the enemy of the salvation of the human race sowed unbelief and lack of spirituality in the hearts of the Russian people.
Even in his youth, deceived by the seemingly plausible ideas of Marxism, Igor’s father, Ivan Fedorovich, joined the party, but later, faced with the hypocrisy, lies and deceit of this intricately woven belief in the so-called “bright future,” he went to the district committee and handed over his party card . There he was persuaded, convinced and even threatened for a long time. “Think about your son,” they told him, “because this may affect his future fate.” But Ivan Fedorovich firmly answered: “My son will find his own path,” and to twelve-year-old Igor, in response to his questions, he said: “You cannot put up with deception, son.”
We will not retell all the difficulties that Ivan Fedorovich had to face; Let us only note that his courage, sincerity, simplicity, love of truth and kindness of heart were, without a doubt, the fruits of the Orthodox upbringing that he received from his pious parents. He always carried a small icon of the Most Holy Theotokos with him, memorized the prayer “Our Father” and the 90th psalm “Alive in the help of the Most High,” which more than once saved him at the front from inevitable death.
We will not hide from the God-loving reader what can benefit the soul, and we will not remain silent about the fact that Igor, spending his life in a godless society, did not have faith in God in his childhood and early youth. It even happened that: having been taught atheism at school, he refused to eat colored eggs, which, according to Orthodox custom, were colored for Easter by his dear mother, Anna Mikhailovna. But just as the publican did not immediately find repentance and the Apostle Paul did not immediately turn to Christ, so the young soul of the future martyr of Christ did not receive unshakable faith from the womb, although our Lord Jesus Christ invisibly sowed its good seed in the heart of his faithful chosen one from infancy.
Ivan Fedorovich rarely refused his beloved son any requests. One day Igor asked his father to buy him a tape recorder. And then, one day, coming home from school, he saw a small Comet tape recorder on his desk - a birthday present. But the music did not sound in the Roslyakovs’ apartment for long: a month later... Igor gave a tape recorder to his school friend, who dreamed of having one, but his parents were unable to fulfill this desire. The young heart, filled with love and mercy, wished to share joy with his friend and easily left an expensive thing for the sake of love for his neighbor. And when Igor really wanted to learn to play the guitar, his parents did not object, saved up some money and bought a good instrument. But the guitar didn’t last long in the Roslyakovs’ house: after playing a little, the future monk, without hesitation, gave it as a gift.
At that time, jeans came into fashion. Igor especially liked jeans with rivets and metal fasteners. He began asking his parents to buy him one too. But they weren't cheap. Mom, surprised, asked: “What kind of trousers are these, and why are they so expensive? Come on, son, I'll take a look. If they’re good, then so be it, we’ll buy them.” Arriving at the store, Anna Mikhailovna looked at the counter and spread her hands: “These are the jeans,” she said in surprise, “and pay so much money for these ugly little gray trousers? No, son, you can do without them.” Igor meekly accepted his mother’s decision, and even almost forgot about his desire, but soon received permission from her to buy “gray trousers” abroad, because they were much cheaper there. And so, after another sports trip, he brought the desired jeans. Putting on a blue T-shirt that matched the color of his new trousers, Igor went to school. But the teacher immediately sent the “fashionist” home to change into a school suit.
From an early age, Igor was interested in various “miracles” of science. He had a thick notebook in which he wrote down all sorts of discoveries, unusual incidents, strange disasters - in short, everything that was interesting to him. Partly, this prompted him to subsequently enter the Faculty of Journalism of Moscow State University.
At night, Igor loved to sit in his room over tea - “like a merchant,” as he said, and admire the twinkling of the stars in the night sky. His open soul trembled, admiring the grandeur of the universe, which, as it seemed to him, had neither beginning nor end. The heart listened to the silence of the night, filled with extraordinary delight. At such moments, Igor picked up a pencil and wrote poetry. So, observing the world around him, the wisdom with which it was created, and marveling at the miracle of God’s creation, Igor realized that every thing has a creator. “For if this is what is temporal, what is the Eternal? And if the visible is so beautiful, then what is the Invisible? If the greatness of the sky exceeds the measure of human understanding, then what mind will be able to explore the nature of the Ever-Bearing One? But who is He who created such splendor? Who is He who established order in the universe? Who is He who gave man the spiritual law and conscience, which burns so painfully for sins?
One morning Igor heard a brass band playing a funeral march outside the window: someone was being buried. He looked out the window and saw people carrying a coffin in their arms. The deceased's relatives followed the coffin. Grief has come to someone's family. Igor thought about the mystery of life and death, about what awaits a person there, beyond the grave. His inquisitive mind could not agree with the idea of the complete disappearance of man, which he read about in school textbooks.
The grace of God, which invisibly saves and gives souls peace and spiritual joy, allows a person to experience external sorrows, and this is necessary, because sorrows do not allow the soul to become hardened and cold. They teach compassion and generate humility, without which everything loses its meaning. It is good for me, for you have humbled me (Ps. 119:71), says the prophet David. And it often happens that a person who did not have faith in God, through humility, through endurance of sorrows, gains it.
When Igor was 19 years old, his father suddenly died. This death was so unexpected that it deeply shocked the young soul. He immediately matured, became silent and thoughtful. Shortly after his father's death, Igor had a terrible dream. Waking up in a cold sweat, he turned on the light in his room, woke up his mother, and then for a long time could not calm down. But he never told anyone what exactly he dreamed that night.
Perhaps the Lord informed him of the torment that was in store for sinners after death, or perhaps his still fragile soul saw the day of his martyrdom on that Easter morning in 1993.
Show me, Lord, my death, Reveal the number of prepared days, Maybe I will be afraid because I live, And no one will overcome my fear. Open it slightly, and then leave me, So that my soul may mature in earthly sorrow, So that I may be strengthened on the way of the cross Before I leave and I am no more. [*]
Path to God
Igor grew up. For him, as for every person coming of age, the world opened up differently. Gone were the carefree childhood dreams, and harsh reality took its place. The insatiable world with its godless wickedness, greed and self-interest, which, according to the Apostle, lies entirely in evil (1 John 5:19), increasingly revealed its true face to the young men.
Little by little, through various sorrows and temptations, God allows man to know that our life is a vapor that appears for a short time and then disappears (James 4:14). And if a person spent it in sinful pleasures, indulging in lawlessness and uncleanness, then his soul will be filled with fetid perspiration and will forever remain in the stench of his passions, burning with painful fire. On the contrary, a righteous soul, like the fragrance of incense smoke sacrificed to the One Almighty God, will find eternal joy and heavenly joy.
After graduating from school, Igor competed for the car plant team. Later, upon entering the Faculty of Journalism, he began playing for the university team. While studying at the university, Igor very soon realized that he could not work as a journalist: he did not want to write false articles, and he saw no point in fighting ossified untruths alone. The only consolation for the soul at that time was still the nightly contemplation of the mysterious stars, which was accompanied by the birth of new poems and reflections.
It happened that in early spring Igor opened the window and breathed in the fresh coolness of the night with pleasure. The last spring snow fell in sparkling snowflakes on the floor, and thin crystal icicles grew on the windowsill. The amazing heavenly twinkling evoked a feeling of peace, and my soul felt light and calm. Truly the prophet says: The heavens will tell the glory of God (Ps. 18:2). And for this you do not need knowledge of languages, because heaven has one language, known to every soul, or musical literacy, since the song of heaven sounds in every heart with a harmonious, unforgettable melody. And just as someone who heard beautiful singing, giving the soul indescribable joy, would hardly begin to revile the singer, but, on the contrary, would have good feelings towards him, so true love for creation invisibly passes on to the Creator.
Every season has its own beauty. But autumn was still closer to Igor. She reminded us that every thing has not only a beginning, but also an end, and everything is subject to decay, except the soul. He was already beginning to understand that the body of a Christian, like an autumn tree, dies for a while in order to be resurrected in the heavenly spring for eternal summer. Sometimes in the evenings Igor walked through the autumn Kuzminsky Park, stirring up the leaves, enjoying the beauty of autumn nature and reflecting on its secrets and riddles. On such evenings he came home especially thoughtful. A caring mother, noticing his sadness, asked: “Why are you so sad today?” But Igor was in a hurry to go to his room, trying to be alone with his thoughts. He sat down by the window again, picked up a pencil and wrote poetry. And when it became especially sad, he began to thank and praise everything good in rhyme. And - oh, miracle! – this made my soul feel light and light. “Man has the sadness of this age because he does not thank God,” he said, when he was already a hieromonk. “The Apostle Paul calls us to give thanks for everything and rejoice, constantly crying out to the Lord with a repentant heart.”
Igor especially loved to glorify “Izbyanaya Russia” - ancient Holy Rus'. The many poems he wrote at that time sincerely and from the bottom of his heart testify to how dear Russia was to him.
Sometimes he went somewhere to the village and there, despite the bad weather, he walked for a long time in the rain, and when asked how he could spend so much time outside in such bad weather, he answered with a smile: “This is my weather!” And indeed, it was “his weather.” The wet, deserted village streets, the unique fragrance and rustling of autumn leaves in the rain gave his soul an amazing, quiet feeling.
Once, while at a competition in Holland, Igor met a young Dutch translator. They began to correspond. Soon the time came to go to the next competition in Canada, but Igor was included in the list of “not allowed to travel.” He was charged with “spying with foreign citizens.” Igor was very upset by such injustice, but this event had a great influence on his future life. It would seem, what's good here? - Lies and slander. But the All-Wise Providence of God skillfully arranges everything for the salvation of the soul. A history teacher, a parishioner of one of the Moscow churches, noticed that Igor was upset about something. She questioned him and advised him to contact a priest.
And so Igor crossed the threshold of the temple for the first time. But it is often so difficult to take this first step! But when a person, with God’s help, finds the strength to come to the first confession, what peace does his soul acquire! And what can this peace be likened to? Where can I find the words to describe it? For where God is, there is peace. How touching it is to see people who have just turned to faith! This is because a great multitude of Angels are in joy over this soul, and heavenly joy, like blessed fire, descends into the believing heart. The soul tirelessly thanks God and sweetly cries out: “Christ is Risen!” and the whole Heavenly Church exclaims: “Truly He is Risen!” Truly Christ is Risen in the soul, awakened from sinful sleep and risen to eternal life!
Returning home from the temple, Igor flew as if on wings. It seemed to him that the service was invisibly continuing. Carefree birds, perched on the branches of trees, finish singing hymns of praise. The green park, distinguished by its ever-present hospitality, quietly hums the Great Doxology. And the white-winged dove, having risen importantly onto the step, seems to be preparing to pronounce a petitionary litany.
Just as a person hides under the roof of his warm home in a severe cold, so a soul, when in trouble, hurries under the protection of God. And if at least once he visits the Church, this majestic ship, confidently sailing amid the storm of the sea of life, he will no longer want to leave the joy of the presence of God that he has experienced.
Soon Igor met Hieromonk Raphael, who was then serving at a parish in the city of Porkhov, Pskov province, who, mentoring the future monk, had a beneficial influence on his future life path. Igor fell in love with this priest very much and, already in the monastery, remembered him with gratitude. Through Father Raphael, God sowed in the soul of the future martyr the seed of love, which grew and became like a tree planted at the springs of water, the life-giving waters of the Wisdom of God, and grew the fruit, which is the crown of martyrdom, in its time.
On November 18, 1988, Father Rafail died in a car accident, 60 kilometers from Novgorod. The funeral service took place on his day of the Angel - the Council of the Archangel Michael and other incorporeal Heavenly powers. “From the moment we received the news of the death of [hieromonk Raphael] ... until communion there was incredible spiritual grief,” wrote Igor, “and after communion there was peace of mind, a feeling of peace in the heart. The Lord makes it clear about the fate of Father Raphael. He is among the ranks of Angels and constantly prays for us.”
The day after the death of Raphael’s father, Igor wrote a poem:
I would find heavy words About life, about the coldness of the grave, And my speech would be so bitter That I wouldn’t say even half of it. But I want to cry in silence And go out into the world with bright eyes. He who rushed like lightning across the earth is clothed in light under the heavens.
The grace of God strengthened Igor more and more, showing him the saving path of sorrows. “The more love he spoke, the greater the suffering of the soul; the more complete the love, the more complete the knowledge; the more ardent the love, the more ardent the prayer; the more perfect the love, the more holy the life.”
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Hieromonk Vasily (in the world Igor Ivanovich Roslyakov; December 23, 1960, Moscow - April 18, 1993, Optina Pustyn) - hieromonk of the Russian Orthodox Church, graduate of Moscow State University, master of sports of international class, captain of the Moscow State University team and member of the USSR national water polo team, poet, one of the three monks killed in the Optina Hermitage on Easter morning 1993 (the other two were monks Ferapont and Trofim).
About knowledge
“Beauty will save the world,” wrote Dostoevsky. Beauty is God. No matter how much we explore our life, no matter how much we dissect it into its component parts, seemingly in order to understand its mechanism, life in its integrity will always be beautiful, divine and completely unknowable, just as beauty is unknowable.
No matter how much we study the composition of the soil, finding more and more new metals and salts in it, no matter how much we penetrate into the secrets of heredity, creating new branches of science, smart academies, institutes, laboratories, it is still a flower that has grown on the studied soil, a flower , which rose from a textbook seed, amazes with its beauty.
The joy that knowledge gives must be complemented by the joy of contemplation, then it will be perfect. “I know everything, I understand everything, and I’m still surprised,” says the man. Amazement at everything, amazement in spite of any knowledge, in spite of any troubles - this is beauty, this is the salvation of the world, this is the beginning of the path to God. And life without amazement at beauty, and therefore without God, is empty and insignificant.
From the beginning the Lord placed will, mind and soul in man. After the fall, separated from the Creator, they strive with all their being towards Him. The will strives for freedom, the mind - for the knowledge of truth, the soul - for perfection and purity. No one and nothing can extinguish this desire. It can only be distorted, directed along the wrong path. This is what the politician and his associates do.
Freedom from sin is replaced by political freedoms, knowledge of the truth, satisfied with the consciousness of one’s rightness, is replaced by empty reading, awareness, erudition, that is, an old letter. It is even worse if the thirst for knowledge of truth turns into a thirst for knowledge of sin. The soul's desire for perfection is replaced by the desire to satisfy passions. From here the main thing becomes the perfection (that is, beauty) of clothing, abundance of food and drink, wealth, and career. All this is rooted in an ineradicable desire for self-improvement. But, being distorted, it takes on these ugly forms.
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We must improve in knowledge. But in knowing what? - The greatness of God and our imperfections and infirmities. We cannot contain the greatness of the gift - the Divine Liturgy - but we can contain the feeling of our own unworthiness as we stand before this terrible sacrament. This is what Angels do. Covering their faces with wings from the light of Divine glory, they confess their unworthiness and imperfection.
The world, stealing from God the rank of the giver of goods, proudly appropriates it to itself and, endowing us with it as if by mercy, adds and places on us the care of their preservation, and the fear of their loss. When God gives, He takes care of His gift, and its loss does not outrage our hearts.
The devil is ready to give us tenfold common sense and multiply our practical information a thousandfold, just to steal from us the knowledge of the Cross, with which we can stand at the right hand of God.
Just as a captive is bound with ropes and deprived of freedom of action, so the fallen human mind is bound by false and wrong thoughts, and so the human heart is bound by lustful, impure, passionate desires. And just as prisoners have varying degrees of freedom of action: one is imprisoned in chains, another in a dungeon, a third in the walls of a prison, so the human heart and mind have varying degrees of truth in thoughts and feelings. Therefore, the Lord says: you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free (John 8:32), and the holy Apostle Paul: where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Cor. 3:17).
About salvation
An impoverished heart, devoid of grace, and therefore strength, is subject to the body and fulfills its wants and desires.
To strengthen your heart, fill it with grace and overcome, subordinate your body to your heart's aspirations and intentions - this is the task. Put your heart at the head, make it the ruler of your being and give it into submission to Christ for that mercy and that grace with which the Lord strengthened and renewed this heart.
Everything around us, literally everything without exception, all created life is designed to lead us to the knowledge of God. Wherever a person looks closely, he will be amazed, no matter what he is passionate about, he will be amazed at the depth of the craft. And amazement is the beginning of philosophy, as the ancients said.
This is where the search begins, the path that must be followed in order to find the truth. And by finding the truth, we gain life. I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.
About grace
How weak is the heart without the grace of God! There is physical strength that we feel in our members. And if it is depleted, then we become exhausted from fatigue. But there is spiritual power, the power of grace, which strengthens our heart and without it we are weak, that is, we are prone to all sin. Especially to condemnation, irritability, anger, gluttony, dissatisfaction with everyone and everything, prone to grumbling, and despair, and vanity.
Therefore, the holy Apostle says: strengthen your hearts with grace (James 5:8). Grace is given for fulfilling His commandments.
Grace is invisible, unthinkable, incomprehensible. We learn about it only by the effect it produces in the mind and soul, by its fruits. The fruit of the Spirit is love, peace, long-suffering, meekness, faith... (Gal. 5:22).
All this is not ours - but the work of grace. If we constantly see that this is not ours, then we will retain grace. And if we appropriate something for ourselves, we will lose everything. If the humility of Christ shines in the heart, then earthly life will be paradise for you. How to describe it? Impossible. This is a feeling of the heart.
About feelings
All five senses of a person are involved in the Divine Service: sight - icons, utensils, priests' clothes, that is, all the decoration of the temple; hearing - chants; sense of smell - incense, incense; touch - Sign of the Cross - taste - acceptance of the Holy Sacraments of Christ.
The goal is to deify a person, in the limit - to elevate, reveal his divine essence, let him feel, enjoy it and awaken the desire to preserve and increase this spiritual beauty, which, despite our sinful persistence, reaching the point of completely denying the existence of this beauty, all but does not leave us and does not forsake us.
After much thought about something very important to us and requiring obligatory resolution, a reconciling thought is suddenly born. It is precisely what is born: we were pregnant with this thought, nurtured it, experienced torment and pain, and, finally, we rejoice at its appearance, we rejoice sincerely, like children. We sometimes take this joy for truth, believing that we have worked hard and therefore deserve it. But everything is subject to verification by experience. An idea can be convincing, elegant, interesting, but not always true.
“What a strong thought,” we say, “he’s very worried.”
Thoughts and feelings have power. They have the power to conquer, to subjugate our body. What has power must really exist. If, as it were, we connect, unite thoughts and feelings together, then a kind of spiritual unity will appear. How I think, how I feel - this is the image of my soul. Apparently, the soul can take on one way of thinking or another, depending on its strength. Accept some, reject some.
In what form, in what attire will the soul appear to God? Clothes of repentance are required. If not a righteous life, then the desire for a righteous life. This is the first clothing - this is the srachitsa (remember the monastic tonsure). If the Lord sees this desire, this garment that barely covers nakedness, then out of His inexpressible love He may bestow another robe worthy of presence at the Last Supper in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Humility is feeling worse than everyone else. Don’t think, don’t think, but feel with all your heart. This is “seeing yourself humble.”
The heart sees feelings with its own eyes. It distinguishes them, just as our vision distinguishes colors: here is meekness, here is mercy, here is anger, here is melancholy, etc. The eyes of the heart are opened only by the grace of God. It's a miracle. Miracle of healing of a blind man.
About repentance
Who do I liken myself to, wanting to overcome my pride? I liken myself to a man trying to overthrow a mountain with his hands. I use all my knowledge, I use all my strength. I see that my desire is impossible to fulfill - the mountain stands unshakable - yet I do not abandon my work. I see the futility of my efforts, I cry about my helplessness, I lament the impossibility of my plan. Dejection darkens my mind, laziness fetters my body, hopelessness oppresses my heart. What’s the point of all this, they tell me, no one needs your work. I need it, I answer through tears, I need it, because God himself helps me with it!
Why do the same words that went unnoticed yesterday today shock me with their greatness and wisdom, so that I want to keep them in my heart forever? The fickleness of my heart is the reason for this. Yesterday it was icy, so everything elegant and austere delighted him; today it is like melting snow, which rejoices in the light and warmth. What is happening in the depths of my heart, where neither my sight nor my mind penetrates? There, like the sun, with its rising and setting, repentance is born and dies.
It is scary to see in yourself the readiness to commit any of the most serious sins. This is an abyss, this is a hellish abyss, this is eternal torment and death. You must always see this and constantly cry for help, for mercy.
I live and remain faithful only outwardly, by the grace of God, but the Lord sees my weakness and does not allow circumstances and hardships to exceed my measure.
In the bathhouse, when you wash, think: I am preparing my body for burial, I wash and anoint it. And one more thing: as I cleanse my body from dirt, so You, Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in my womb (Ps. 50:12). Hereby conquer the pleasure of your body.
When you condemn, [you must] pray like this: After all, it was I, Lord, who sinned. Forgive me, have mercy on me! On the rivers of Babylon there is a gray horse and a mourner (Ps. 136:1)…
Rivers of Babylon flow from my heart, rivers of condemnation of my brothers, vanity, rivers of cowardice, fear and fear of all obedience, rivers of self-indulgence and self-pity, rivers of love of glory and anger, despondency, laziness, sadness, rivers of all filth, blasphemy, unbelief, wickedness, uncleanness.
I sit near my heart and cry about the inexhaustibility of these rivers. The underground abysses feed the rivers, and the rivers of my passions are fed by the abyss of my sinful heart.
God! This is an abyss. The abyss of hell. There is nothing to rely on, nothing to calm down on. Everything is screaming, everything is abomination, everything is emptiness. God, in Your name, save me and give me your hand, like Petrov.
Do you see that you are daily adding sins to sins? That every day you return to the pot of your passions and vices?
Do you see that every deed you do exposes you, your ignorance, the impurity of your mind and heart, your imperfection? Everything yours - my deeds, thoughts, and feelings - is flawed, everything is flawed, with an admixture of vice, impurity, everything is meager, orphaned.
Do you see how passions have surrounded you and are playing with you, passing you from hand to hand? Just as they leave you alone for a while, laugh at you and, standing not far away, watch how you, weak, give birth to vanity, oblivion, carelessness. They laugh because from one of their touches your whole world and peace will collapse and disappear; they laugh because you are their property, their slave, and, moreover, a slave who considers himself free. This contemplation of a slave who thinks of himself as a master gives them special pleasure.
Do you see your sinful heart? How does it slander day and night against your brothers, against all people, against the whole world?
Heal, Lord. Stop the current of impurity, sin and vice. God, create in me a pure heart, and renew a right spirit in my womb. Because of my deeds, I am due eternal torment, but the Lord secretly maintains in my soul the hope of His mercy. Otherwise, life would be unbearable.
Pimen the Great said: “Believe me, children, where Satan is, there I will be.” He not only thought so, he felt so.
The Lord allows you to see your heart, slandering those brethren, the Lord, the whole world, day and night, and then you see all the impossibility of correcting yourself, all the infinity of your fall, the abyss of hell. Then you clearly realize that where sagana is, there you will be. But this is consciousness, this is thought. And Pimen the Great has this feeling. This is earth and sky. Therefore, you only complain about your sinfulness, and the Great One constantly sheds tears. His soul really feels the torments of hell, it knows them.
About the fear of death
Death is terrible: why does it know everything about me, why does it possess me, dispose of me like a mistress over her slave? Christianity gives knowledge about death and the future life, thereby abolishing the power of death. Yes, death knows everything about a Christian, but he knows just enough about it not to be afraid of it. Christianity transforms death from a murderer into a doctor, from a stranger into a comrade.
No matter how much atheists and intellectuals talk about death, it remains a stranger to them, a phenomenon that does not fit into the circle of life, an otherworldly phenomenon, because they do not have knowledge about death.
We are afraid of a bully in the dark, because he is unfamiliar to us, we do not know his intentions, but with a loved one, even in the dark, a meeting becomes joyful.
About prayer
There may be an intoxication with prayer that prevents one from recognizing the true action of prayer. Leaving aside the saving repentance indicated by God, we strive to practice imaginary virtues, because they are pleasant to our feelings. Then, in an inconspicuous way, we become infected with an opinion, and just as grace is in no hurry to crown us, we create sweet sensations for ourselves. Never allow yourself to wait for grace. To strive to see your sin and weep over it is your business.
Wherever I am, whether in solitude or in human society, light and consolation pour into my soul from the Cross of Christ. Sin, which possesses my entire being, never ceases to tell me: “come down from the Cross.” Alas! I leave it, thinking of finding truth outside the Cross, and I fall into spiritual distress: waves of confusion consume me. Having descended from the Cross, I find myself without Christ. How to help a disaster? “I pray to Christ to lead me to the Cross again.” While praying, I myself try to be crucified, as taught by experience itself that those who are not crucified are not Christ’s.
The Kingdom of God is within you. “Immerse your mind in the words of prayer,” writes St. John Climacus. Through entering, immersing the mind, united with feeling, in the word of prayer, we enter the Kingdom of Heaven, which is within us. There is the Kingdom of the Spirit, there is our home, into which a humble and tender soul dwells, constantly marveling at the mercy of God, covering its poverty and sinfulness.
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The main thing is to fill the words (prayers) with meaning, content, that is, with feeling—spirit. Our job is to give all possible attention, compel us to do prayerful work, frequency of prayer, petitions; God’s business is to send a feeling, a spirit, that is, to fill words, souls, hearts. “Go everywhere and do everything.”
Prayer is a wall, a fence around the heart. His peace and quiet. Prayer and the heart must be united, united, there should be no emptiness between them. If so, then everything is strong, firm, calm, peaceful. The heart is like behind a fortress wall and repels all the attacks of the enemy. If a gap is formed in the wall, then enemies approach the heart. Then - pain, heartbreak. You have to endure and ask the Lord for help - you can’t do anything on your own.
In general, the whole point is where prayer is - in the heart or outside it. I breathe and it is not difficult for me. This is a property of a human being. So prayer was his property before the fall. Now even prayer has become a labor, a compulsion, just as a sick person has difficulty breathing. To return prayer to the heart, to return this effortless breathing to the heart - this is the path of unceasing prayer. After all, the Lord is closer to us than our breath.
About joy
You see that everything around you is more worthy, more honest, more righteous, more humble, purer. And it’s joyful because they don’t despise you, the last, the wretched one, they don’t disdain communication with you, but they talk to you as an equal, they sit next to you at the table, they go to church with you and never in deed, word, or They do not allow themselves to look at your unworthiness and uncleanness. They tolerate you next to them, cover up shortcomings, mistakes, sins, show mercy and sometimes even ask you to perform some kind of obedience, thereby showing special honor, showing attention, and elevating you to the dignity of a servant and sometimes even a friend.
Lord, they forgive me my bestiality and turn to me with a request! Isn’t this joy, isn’t this paradise?... But all these are only thoughts of humility, and humility itself does not live in my damned heart. I see how it should be, but I cannot achieve it.
Lord, give me Your humility and meekness and fill my heart with them and fill them, so that there is no room left for anything else, but everything is Your sweetest humility.
Life in the Spirit is all new; the same in appearance as it is today, but so renewed inside that it becomes truly new.
The water transformed by the Lord into wine did not change its appearance, but changed its internal properties. So life in the Spirit looks like water, but tastes like wine, gladdening the heart.
About love
Elder Silouan: “The greater the love, the greater the suffering of the soul; the more complete the love, the more complete the knowledge; the more ardent the love, the more ardent the prayer; the more perfect the love, the more holy the life.” Nothing can stop you from loving God. What should you do to have peace in your soul and body? To do this, you must love everyone as you love yourself, and be prepared for death every hour. The difficult but lofty task of a Christian is to preserve within himself the great happiness of kindness and love.
Elder Silouan writes: “... and my damned soul will descend to hell.” Such was his inner mental activity in the fight against passions, especially pride and vanity. The Lord allows you to descend into hell, chaining your vision to the vision of your slandering heart and torment and scorch yourself with the fire of this slander. Faith keeps you unharmed in this flame of despair and consoles you with the fact that the Lord sees this and is always mercifully ready to come to our aid, but teaches us patience. “Where have you been, Lord?” - asked St. Anthony the Great when the demons beat him. - “I was here and looked at you...”
But something else is possible. Love your neighbor as yourself, pray for him as for yourself, thereby seeing that your neighbor’s sins are your sins, go to hell with these sins for the sake of saving your neighbor.
Lord, You gave me love and changed me completely, and now I cannot do anything other than go to torment for the salvation of my neighbor. I groan, cry, am afraid, but I cannot do otherwise, for Your love leads me, and I do not want to be separated from it, and in it I find hope for salvation and do not completely despair, seeing it in myself.
About the word
The Holy Fathers write: “... and the verbal nature of creatures is revealed.”
Everything was created by the Word, and to man who becomes like the Word, that is, Christ, the verbal nature is revealed. St. Ambrose, wherever he looked, whatever he heard, found this literature everywhere, which is why he spoke in parables, sayings and rhymes (the incident with the nail in the porch). The world created by the Word is a huge book, the Book of Life. But only those who look at it with a pure eye and a pure heart can read it. All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16). This is said about the Holy Scripture, but the same can be said about the created world, for both this Scripture and it were written by the great right hand of the Holy Trinity.
***
Why does truth exist, but people cannot believe it, cannot join in its power? It is difficult for people to penetrate into the meaning of the word, it is difficult for them to become familiar with the power of the word, and thus the consciousness of truth is difficult - only through the action (power) of sin. This is a consequence of the fall, the transgression of God’s commandment. Adam did not listen to the Word, that is, he himself rejected the understanding of the meaning, as if he was divided with it, and the resulting gap was instantly filled with sin. However, this gap itself, this emptiness itself is sin, distortion. It’s as if some kind of veil is now covering us from the truth and meaning of words.
This is why it is difficult to distinguish words in their full force and in their true meaning. It is also difficult to distinguish objects at dusk. The path to restoring the possibility of listening to the Word and comprehending It, and communing with It is the meaning of our work.
***
Why is the Gospel difficult to read? The Lord answers not the questions of the lips, but the hidden thoughts of the heart. They are the whole point, they are the causes, and the question is the effect. That is, the structure of the heart is more important than the spoken words, more important than the logical harmony of speech.
***
[We must] turn to God in prayer so that He will allow us to speak a word in favor of our neighbor. Thus, the conversation is cleared of vanity.
Speak with caution, without going into verbosity. Do not make empty, curious questions.
If you get carried away and say something not according to your conscience, then mentally reproach yourself and repent before God.
Due to the scarcity of our time, we must share our meager knowledge with our neighbors.
***
Every concept, word has a meaning and a feeling associated with this meaning, an echo in the soul. By sin this unity of meaning and feeling is cut, and we do not feel what we are talking about and do not understand what we feel. The Lord, by His grace, restores this unity, heals this incurable wound. But all this happens as if we are starting to learn to walk again. Everything is new, everything is unusual, everything is difficult. Everything is given only by experience, only by experience. Otherwise, how to learn to walk? This means that it’s all about fulfilling God’s commandments.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truths (John 1:14).
Every instruction to the people, every word of the Lord is filled with love, love even to death, death on the Cross. It is full of peace, meekness and humility. It is Divine, full of grace and truth. But you can see it, feel it, touch it with your heart only when the Lord himself reveals it. “Oh, Wisdom and Word of God, grant us the opportunity to partake of You.” The Word of God is the criterion for the truth of everything.
About reading the Gospel
It is necessary to assure yourself that God controls the fate of the world and the fate of every person. The experiences of life will not be slow to confirm and approve this teaching of the Gospel.
It is necessary to revere the destinies of God, unattainable for us, in all God’s permissions, both private and public, both civil, moral and spiritual.
Why does our spirit rebel against the destinies and God’s permission? Because we did not honor God as God. Other monks must themselves seek out the will of God in Scripture and therefore be subjected to frequent and prolonged perplexity and errors. Consult the Gospel both about your thoughts and about the thoughts of your neighbor, about his advice.
***
The Gospel is the mouth of Christ. Every word of the Savior is a word of love, humility, meekness. This Spirit of humility, with which the Savior speaks to us, does not often appear to us, which is why the Gospel is sometimes incomprehensible and sometimes does not touch us. But... the Spirit of the Gospel is comprehended and revealed by the Cross of Christ. If we see that wherever Christ is, whatever He says, He says it from the Cross, then the Spirit of the Gospel is revealed to us, the Spirit of humility, meekness, the endless love of the Lord for us sinners.
About the time
The future [time] is in the hands of God, the past is in the Book of Life, the present is in our hands. The creation of life is possible only by standing in Christ, the more majestic is our spiritual freedom and knowledge of the destinies of God, that is, the destinies of the world. The limits of spiritual freedom are the limits of the universe.
Dying today is no wonder. Nowadays it is difficult to learn to live faithfully. Outside the Church you can have everything, but not salvation.
***
Time is a mystical entity. I ask myself: was there a post or not? Was there a service or not? So someday you will have to ask about your life. What really exists? - Soul. Cleansed from sin or still soiled by it. “Rejoice now and be glad, O Zion...” - just rejoice (This is a state of mind, not a temporary one). For every house is built by someone: and he who built all things is God (Heb. 3:4).
About obedience
True obedience is obedience to God, the only God. He who cannot alone, cannot submit to this obedience on his own, takes as an assistant a person to whom obedience to God is more familiar. But people with strong impulses cannot, because the impulses carry them away.
What's easier? - To endure hunger in the stomach or a conscience defiled by gluttony? What's easier? — To endure the burden of given obedience or the burden of a conscience defiled by self-pity, pride and, as a consequence, refusal of obedience?
About the machinations of the enemy
The task of dark forces is to shape the nature of human relationships and social institutions only to intimidate and enslave our spirit, so that it does not grow to the measure of complete freedom, the measure of the age of Christ. If this happens, the legions of darkness become powerless against one warrior of Christ.
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Dark forces are angry with us because we, approaching God, condemn them. (So a person who does good unselfishly arouses anger and contempt among scoundrels). We, weak, bestial, even choose God and strive for Him, but they, disembodied, beholding the greatness of God, turned away from Him. Our desire for God is condemnation for them, a hint of the Last Judgment.
***
The actions of the evil one are aimed at destroying the Divine order, the order of life, that is, at the destruction of beauty and wisdom. Because the Divine order (hierarchy in everything, obedience to love) is wisdom and beauty, perfection, completeness.
1) The first means of destruction is robbing the spirit, the inner, leaving the deadness of the outer.
2) The second remedy is the fervor of the spirit due to passions, which gives rise to anxiety, disorder, the desire to change the external, the desire for an imaginary better.
Sin is separation from God. Fulfillment of one's will, separation of one's will from the will of God.
Disobedience. And just as when parting with a loved one, the soul is bitter, so when fulfilling its will, the soul begins to suffer and cry. Here is experience.
About sorrows
The Lord builds up the souls of those who believe in Him with sorrows. Every sorrow reveals the hidden passions in the heart, setting them in motion.
My shame flared up before me more than the sun, my eyes drooped down from its brilliance, my heart was wounded by its fiery rays; Lord, bring Your cloudy cover over my wickedness that has arisen in my memory and bring down rains on the earth of my soul so that I may wash it with Your mercy and tears of repentance.
In order not to begin the path of piety, we call the commandments of God moral teachings stuck in the teeth, that is, we point with pride at our ability to do more, and those requirements that lead to perfection are impossible to fulfill, referring to our weakness.
Life - that is, everything and everyone - is the mercy of God, the love of God, His meekness and humility. This is all for us, for our sake.
The cross is a readiness to graciously bear any sorrow received by the Providence of God.
Labor is everywhere, patience is everywhere, the hardship of life is everywhere. But in one case the Lord helps, and in another he retreats. In one case the yoke of the Lord, in the other - the yoke of the devil. The Lord did not take away the final punishment for sin—the burden of life remained, but life was transformed in the Spirit. This spirit is given to those who bear the yoke of Christ, who choose to fulfill the commandments of God rather than serving flesh and blood.
Lord, give me the strength to choose Your good yoke in everything!
About virtue
“We must honor virtue not for the sake of others, but for its own sake,” writes St. John Chrysostom. Why should we be virtuous? Why should we do good? Because this is joy for people, and good defeats evil, which means it is better to be on the side of the strong. Because good is good and evil is bad. That is, virtue is affirmed by logic and mentality. This is acceptable as the first step on the ladder of ascent to kindness. This is acceptable for infants who do not have a sense of skill in distinguishing between good and evil. This is milk, not solid food. If the concept of good is based only on this, then it is unsteady, and in many cases - dead. The mind speaks in him, but the heart is silent.
You need to feel with your heart the taste of virtue, its sweetness and truth. Then the proof of the necessity of good will be found in good itself. Then there is no need for proof. ...I love goodness, and I understand that we must do goodness – these are not unambiguous expressions.
So why should I be virtuous? Because I love virtue. Repentance makes our deed truly a good deed.
About monasticism
Monasticism is bloodless martyrdom. Torment does not mean depriving oneself of the pleasures of family life, sweet food, bodily comfort and other everyday entertainments and consolations. This is only a path to torment, but on the way there are sometimes joyful and pleasant encounters, along the way there is a feeling of one’s own strength and satisfaction from the obstacles overcome. Actually, torment is standing in front of one’s helplessness and the constant contemplation of one’s captivity by the power of passions. This state is comparable to the position of a person suffering torture from those who took him prisoner and anticipating his death.
The monk voluntarily exposes his chest to the sword of the Word of God, and It penetrates to the separation of soul and spirit, exposes and awakens the thoughts of the heart. This all happens spiritually, just as realistically and painfully and painfully as it does physically.
The essence of monastic life is to conquer your damaged will, unite it with the will of God, and sanctify it with this union. The wealth of a monk is the consolation found in crying and the joy of faith shining in the recesses of the mind.
***
The desert is a temple of God not made by hands. For the Lord God Almighty dwells in her and the Lamb (Rev. 21, 22). The desert needs neither the sun nor the moon for its illumination; for the glory of God illuminates it, and its lamp is the Lamb.
The desert air is the ocean of God's wisdom. The silence of the desert is the singing of angels. The earthly sky, Jerusalem on high, the city of God, in which God dwells with people and wipes away every tear from their eyes - this is what the desert is. The desert land is the firmament of heaven, which has become the footstool of our feet. Desert water is the Life-giving Spirit. The bread of the desert is the love of Christ.
“If we seek God, then He will appear to us; if we keep Him within ourselves, then He will abide with us,” - this is how the Monk Arsenius the Great taught.
“The treasure of a monk is the joy found in mourning and faith stored in the recesses of the mind,” wrote St. Isaac the Syrian.
From the diary entries of Hieromonk Vasily
Optina Pustyn. Official website - https://www.optina.ru
Biography of Hieromonk Vasily (Roslyakov). Optina Pustyn https://www.optina.ru/martyrs/vasiliy/
Hieromonk Vasily Roslyakov/ Stihi.ru - national server of modern poetry https://www.stihi.ru/avtor/rosljkov
Poetry of Moscow University from Lomonosov to... Igor Roslyakov (hieromonk Vasily) https://www.poesis.ru/poeti-poezia/rosljakov/biograph.htm
