“And a man will leave his father and mother...” The mystery of gender in the Orthodox tradition

“And a man will leave his father and mother...” The mystery of gender in the Orthodox tradition

Estimated reading time: 19 min.

The editors of the magazine “Foma” received a letter:

It seems to me that God created man and woman to become mom and dad. You will think how small I am. And now, at 19 years old, until my mother kisses me, I cannot sleep.

This has been the case since childhood. Even after my parents separated (I was 4 years old at the time), my dad came home every evening to kiss me, otherwise I wouldn’t fall asleep. When my mother picked me up from kindergarten in the evening (often the last one), I felt happy: she held my hand and listened to my latest news. We walked home, despite the threats of the harmful teachers that someday I would stay in a boarding school. But I knew that mom had a lot of work, and I was looking forward to her coming.

And a couple of times my dad took me. This was a real event in my life. Then everyone in the world (friends and girlfriends, nannies and teachers, and just passers-by) had to know that my dad was the best person. Seeing him, I ran towards him with a joyful “Dad!”

My first childhood nightmares were associated with the thought of the possible death of my parents. The worst thing for me was separation from them, and even more so eternal separation (that’s how death was explained to me). At night I cried into my pillow, because I couldn’t believe that they could leave and not come back. But one day I realized that adults had mixed up something and such separations “forever” do not happen... Since then, I began to think about God.

I loved them more than anyone and didn’t think about why or why. God probably created man and woman so that love could be born in the world.

Elena, 19 years old

The editor-in-chief of the magazine, Vladimir Legoyda, and Deacon Andrey Kuraev talked about the roles of men and women in the family and the Church, the mystery of love and the origin of life, and new gender theology:

Father Andrey, why is the Church so unfair to women? She cannot be a priest, she needs to constantly wear a headscarf, be afraid of her husband, etc. Why does she occupy such a subordinate position?

Slogans about injustice are born how? First, a person is told that he has rights, the existence of which he did not even imply, and then they are told that you are deprived of these rights. A man lived quietly without any CD-rom, suddenly they say that every decent person has a CD-rom, and this communist, thieves’ regime deprived you of the right to use a CD-rom. A person who previously did not even know what it was begins to see the meaning of his life in the struggle to own a CD-rom. It's the same here.

In addition, it is important to be able to distinguish between where there really are rights and their violation, and where something else is. And the essence of man is not at all reduced to the struggle for one’s rights or to the realization of these rights. In addition to the fact that a person has rights, service also takes place in his life.

So a priest is a clergyman. This is not a person who has the rights of a priest; on the contrary, he bears the obedience of a priest, serves...

If we talk further about the “discrimination” of women in the Church, then, in principle, we can find something that looks like discrimination against women - at the level of books (i.e., words about women in ascetic manuals for monks) and some parish habits. And here we must remember that the common feature of all traditional literature in all cultures, in all countries, in all centuries is that literature (like politics and culture) has always been masculine. Almost no evidence has reached us about the theological spiritual life of Christian women. Separate sayings of the so-called amma (here we have mother, and in Egypt amma; abba - father, amma - mother). We know only a few of their amazing sayings. Basically, of course, the church literature of the past was men’s literature.

Only now, before our eyes, is Orthodox women’s theological thought being born. It has already been marked by wonderful names: Tatyana Goricheva in Paris, Olesya Nikolaeva and Irina Siluyanova in Moscow. Remarkable Orthodox philosophers: Piama Gaidenko, Renata Galtseva. There are interesting and bright names. But this is something completely new. Although the Church has nothing against their work: the books of Siluyanova and Nikolaeva are published by the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. The most conservative monastery, but in this case it is the one that displays quite commendable modernism.

And traditional monastic literature - male - was naturally written “for his own people”: the elder addresses his novices, and he is well aware that these novices have a fundamental sexual instinct, they are not eunuchs. Naturally, for most of them this instinct is oriented in the normal direction - towards girls. That’s why the elder says: look, avoid communicating with young girls, so that there is no reason for any temptations, thoughts, etc.

In a word, completely understandable principles of asceticism. By the way, they are common to all religions where there is an ascetic tradition (in Buddhism, for example, there are similar rules).

Are you saying that there is no discrimination here either?

Certainly. Moreover, if letters written by the elders of women’s monasteries had reached us, the same thing would have been said about young men: avoid meeting with young men, so as not to carry their image in yourself, do not meet or talk with them, etc. Here we are not talking about the fact that a woman is worse than a man (or vice versa), but that a normal person always has an erotic interest in the opposite sex. And if the task of monasticism is to take control of this instinct - not to cut it off, but to transform it into love for Christ - then accordingly in women's monasteries they will say: be careful when communicating with young men; and in men's - be careful when communicating with girls.

I repeat, precisely because the literature was male, “male-language,” the impression was created that the Church had something against women as such. In fact, there are simply some basic rules of asceticism.

And finally, there are some more, purely parish features, and they are mostly borrowed from paganism. Today, for some reason, it is fashionable to say that Christianity has humiliated women, while paganism, on the contrary, exalts them. To see if this is true or not, let's conduct a small experiment. We divide the vertical sheet into two strips. Right and left. On the right we write “good”, “light”, on the left - “evil”, “darkness”. The question is, in which part should we write “masculine” and in which part should we write “feminine”, based on folklore, fairy tales, and pagan philosophy? In order not to guess, remember the Taoist symbol of yin and yang, and everything will become clear: the feminine principle in most non-Christian cultures is identified with the beginning of darkness, destruction, chaos. It is precisely this idea that is opposed to the biblical account of the creation of man, the creation of woman.

How - a creation from a rib? How do men like to joke - from the only bone that does not contain a brain?

This joke may be witty, but it has no direct relation to the biblical meanings. If you carefully read the first chapters of the book of Genesis, you cannot help but notice that a man is created from the external - from non-existence, from molecules of the dust of the earth. A woman is created from the inner, from the innermost, she is taken from the heart (from the rib). A wife is given only in the garden, and not before. A woman is a child of the garden. Man was created outside the garden, but woman is precisely a heavenly creature.

Further. When Adam sees a woman for the first time, he utters very strange words: “A man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and the two will become one flesh.”

These words are familiar to us today, so we do not notice their strangeness. But before us is the formula of classical matriarchy! A man leaves his father and mother and comes to his wife's house. In all subsequent cultures, everything was different: the bride left her parents’ house and came under the roof of her husband. Echoes of this still persist: if a husband moves into his wife’s apartment, this is often perceived as something abnormal. The Bible initially suggests something completely opposite. But then all this changed as a result of the Fall.

How?

The Fall has no significance for the sphere of sex in the vulgar sense: it did not consist of some new, vulgar communication between Adam and Eve, as is often perceived for some reason. The Church has never perceived the drama of the Fall in this way; there are no direct indications of this in the Bible. This was not their fall, but primarily that people did not believe the Creator and violated His commandment, their agreement with Him.

At the same time, the Fall had a direct impact on relations between the sexes. We see how the consequences of the Fall change God’s original plan for man: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you,” God says to the wife. So, at first it was assumed that the husband would go to his wife, but it ends up that the wife will now go to her husband. Something happened in the interim. And in the interval it happened that the woman was alone before the tree of knowledge. What happened there is a long conversation and not directly related to our topic, but when she finally tasted this fruit, she returned to her husband and invited him to participate in this meal. This scene raises some questions. Why did the wife want her husband to become an accomplice in her crime? There are two possible interpretations here. One of them is Jewish, rabbinic, and reveals a deep knowledge of female psychology. According to this interpretation, Eve felt that she was dying. And then she thought: “How can this be, I will die, and Adam will live, and God will give him a new wife, and he will be happy with her without me! Let this not happen!” So she decides to poison Adam too. To understand this rabbinic tale, you need to know that from a rabbinic point of view, Eve is Adam’s second wife, not the first. The first was Lilith. And Eve, according to this point of view, knew that the wife could be different - that’s why she takes such an action.

Well, from the point of view of Orthodoxy, a detailed interpretation of this passage is given by Ephraim the Syrian, a saint who lived in the 4th century. He draws attention to the fact that when a person commits a very serious sin, he feels a surge of joy - wow, I did it, I stepped over, I’m not like others, etc. Such a chilling euphoria - when a person falls, the first he perceives the seconds of his fall with delight... Horror comes later. It's the same here. Ephraim the Syrian suggests that when Eve transgressed the commandment, she just felt this euphoria, she felt that it had really happened, that something had happened to her, she felt like a goddess. And then she approached Adam to show him her new quality: they say, you see, I once came from your rib, and now I am a goddess. I am returning to you, I will teach you life. The instinct of power and dominance awakens in a woman.

It is this sin, the sin of human relationships, that God heals - again, it is important to note: he does not punish for a crime, but heals, heals the disease that has appeared. And exactly the opposite will happen: the first will be the last, and the last will be the first. Indeed, if we accept the interpretation of Ephraim the Syrian, then the biblical text becomes clear. The point is that God does not give meaningless punishments. Remember that the word “punishment” has a double meaning: punishment, as a kind of disciplinary action, and punishment - a mandate, as admonition. The Lord is just admonishing. He gives medicine. Doesn't take revenge, but heals. If we are standing in a pharmacy where people are prescribing various medications, then because of what they buy, we can understand what hurts them. It’s the same here: the Lord prescribes a medicine that heals the relationship between husband and wife. And these relationships need to be healed in the sense of who is first, who rules—there was a crack in this place even earlier. The Lord is straightening this crack in the other direction. And obviously, this thirst for dominance appeared precisely in the woman.

Where do we see that the husband is given dominion over his wife?

Well, first of all, the lines that I already mentioned: about attraction to the husband and the fact that he will dominate his wife. Secondly, perhaps less clearly understood, is the fact that Adam named his wife. From now on she is Eve. Let's think about why Adam doesn't name his wife earlier. After all, the Bible tells us how he names all animals. Why wasn't the wife given a name immediately after this? Precisely because to give a name means to show supremacy. But the supremacy of a husband over his wife appears only after sin. After their God determines their new relationship. The husband did not forget to give his wife a name, but simply could not, or rather, did not have the right. And therefore, the name of wife is not just the last action of a person in Eden, but also the first event that occurred after God punished people.

And yet, how does the Church interpret the “difference” between men and women? Why were two and different created? And why not two at once?

Of course, this can be interpreted in different ways. For example, I happened to hear the interpretation of West Berlin feminist theologians that, they say, the fact that Adam was created first and then woman means that the purpose of God’s creation was woman, and man was nothing more than a semi-finished product used by God to create the crown of creation.

But if you still read the biblical text more seriously, then here we have a story not only about the first family, but also about something more. In general, the Bible represents not so much a chronicle of the life of the first people, but an icon - an understanding of the initial events of human history. This is not a protocol recording of an eyewitness and a contemporary, this is a story about what every person should know about himself.

The masculine and feminine principles live in each of us. In the chapter of the Bible that describes the Fall, there are no words “Adam” or “Eve”, there is “ha Adam” - this is a person as such, with a definite article. This is not a name. And there is a wife who doesn’t even have the name Eve yet. That is, the masculine and feminine principles, perhaps even in the same female being (these, of course, are not the hermaphrodites of historical occult myths).

Indeed, in every person there is traditionally what is considered masculine and what is considered feminine. Mind and feelings. Adam is such a reasonable part, such rationality in the human soul, and feelings are associated with femininity accordingly. Therefore, the primary basis of man is “homo sapiens,” a rational being. And for the second time we are already clothed in feelings.

The most sublime interpretation is the one that sees the image of the Trinity in the family. All three people have the same nature—human nature. Trinity love is complete unity, agreement and at the same time unity in diversity - so it should be here, in the family.

Christianity is a religion of pluralism, not hegemonic. Many Indian philosophers, for example, say that there is only “One” with a capital letter - “Incomprehensible”, “Unknowable”, “Ineffable”, and everything else only seems. Therefore, if some reality is different, is not “The One,” then this means that this is already a clouding of the mind, some kind of desecration, pollution.

The biblical narrative asserts from the very beginning that the world has the right to be diverse, that in the world it is not a sin to be not God. To be other than God is not a curse. God admires the diversity of the world, with His love He creates a diverse world, and He admires this diversity. In the same way, man remains diverse from the very beginning.

Why does the Church view marriage as a Sacrament? What is its meaning? Why will love - sincere, ardent, pure - still be considered a sin if it is not sanctified by church ritual?

Every family is a sacrament. So here two people really merge into one flesh, here there is truly a certain overcoming of self-isolation and there is a miracle of conception, birth and new life. Mystery in the sense of being ultimately incomprehensible.

However, in the church sense, the word “sacrament” also has a different meaning: Sacrament as a special action of God in the world. The special action of God, and the Church, through the Church in the world. Therefore, the Sacrament is not only what happens during the wedding, but the whole life of this family, its whole life is the Sacrament of marriage. By the way, it is no coincidence that in the Church for a very long time there were no special rites associated with marriage - the rite of weddings appeared later. The spouses simply came to church together, received communion, confessed together, lived church life together: both in church and at home. They created a kind of home church in their family life.

As for the life of spouses outside of marriage, here, too, rumors about church ignorance are somewhat exaggerated. If this is a family that lives together permanently, a family that has somehow declared its relationship to people, to government agencies, then the Church will never condemn such people.

The Church recognizes the reality of all marriages that take place outside its borders: the Church recognizes both civil marriages and marriages that were concluded in other religions, both Christian and even non-Christian. When Russian missionaries began preaching among the Kalmyks and Buryats—Buddhist tribes—in the 18th century, entire villages were often baptized. The missionaries were faced with a question: to marry or not to marry existing married couples? They turned to the Synod for an answer: “What should we do? Here they were baptized, adults, they have children. Should we marry them or not? The Synod’s response was: “No need. Already husband and wife both before God and before people.” That is, the Church recognizes such marriages.

Again, unfortunately, we have to say that some overzealous and not very educated priests today say: “Do you know, if you are not married to your husband, then that means you are living in complete fornication?” And more often it is not even the clergy who say this, but the all-knowing parish grandmothers. This is completely wrong, absolutely does not correspond to church traditions. Patriarch Alexy constantly emphasizes at meetings with the clergy that this cannot be considered.

Moreover - think for yourself - if the husband, say, is an unbeliever, and the priest demands that his believing wife marry him. What does it mean? That she will constantly drip on his brain: “Let’s go to the temple, let’s get married.” He is an unbeliever. What does this mean? The Church forces him to bear false witness. Is this really the right path to Christ? Should I lie and come to the wedding like this? And will people really become closer to Christ because of this? So, I think it’s very useful to think here and not just give in to such impulses and emotions.

If we are talking about Christians, then unblessed, unprayerful cohabitation will simply be strange for them. In general, it is sinful and wrong for a Christian to do something if he did not ask for blessings, God’s help. And even more so for such an important, perhaps the most important thing that he has on earth - love and the creation of a new life.

Yes, but on the other hand, the same Apostle Paul, for example, urges “not to look for a wife,” it is better to “stay that way,” that is, not to get married.

You see, this is a fundamental moral position here. A truly moral creature observes a certain hierarchy of values. This is not just a conflict, an awareness of the conflict between good and evil. Here we are talking about a comparison of good and kinder, higher and even higher.

Let's digress a little and remember the words of Christ: “If anyone does not leave his father and mother, he is not worthy of Me.” These words today cause a lot of indignation. Your Christ, your Gospel preach the destruction of the family, hatred and so on. And here I would like to recall one episode that is familiar to all of us. In the film “Seventeen Moments of Spring,” Russian pianist Kat is faced with a choice - either she must sacrifice her newborn son, whom this fascist bastard is freezing on the windowsill, or betray Stirlitz. Here are several debts she owes: maternal debt, which is completely understandable. There is an officer's duty - she is an officer of the Soviet Army. There is a civic duty - she understands that many, many lives now depend on her.

This scene does not unfold until the end in the film, but in principle it is made clear that Kat still prefers to sacrifice her son (natural kinship), but to fulfill her human, civic duty. Please note: the film was shot in the Soviet era, but it is still viewed with great sympathy and understanding, in completely different conditions. And neither then nor today have I come across any conversations or publications that would be indignant: “Do you understand what this film preaches - to sacrifice children for the sake of Stalinism! A relic of totalitarian consciousness, no humanism,” and so on. There were and are no such disturbances. What does this mean? That in essence our people, both church and non-church, have such a generally accepted understanding and agreement on this matter. And the film was so correctly, tactfully made, and humanly convincing that everyone agreed: “Yes. This is probably how we should have behaved in this situation.”

Well, now I have a question: If in such a choice it is possible - morally permissible, permitted - to sacrifice a child for the sake of Stirlitz, why, in case of choice, need, cannot one do it for the sake of Christ?

It is clear that no text can be understood without context. The Bible is a very family book, in which there is a real cult of marriage. Even in the New Testament, if a family has no children, it is considered cursed. This religious misfortune happened to this family. And when in this book we meet: “If anyone does not leave his father and mother,” then these words cannot be understood too literally, as a call for the destruction of the family. Obviously we are talking about something else.

And the point is that a person must decide who I am first of all: “I am the son of my parents, and their echo, their fruit, or am I something independent.” And so, if the requirement of natural kinship, natural identity comes into conflict with the very knowledge of man, with an attempt to find spiritual self-identity, if a contradiction arises here and the parents begin to shout: “How dare you, you bastard, go to the seminary when your grandfather is in I fought in Budyonny’s army, and I have been a member of the CPSU since 1950!” In such cases, you need to say: “Dad, I love you very much. For everything to be fine between us, please don’t kill that feeling, that love that was born in me now on its own. Love for Christ. And after that, when you don’t touch my sphere, you and I will find a common language.” And so, on many very issues in the New Testament, a conscious hierarchy of values ​​is brought up: “Everything is allowed to me, but not everything is useful.” Or: “This is good, but this is better.”

The words of the Apostle Paul should be understood in the same way. He blesses marriage, but says: “For those ardent religious feelings that are looking for something more, complete service to spiritual growth, complete service to people for Christ, for them then I blessed celibacy.” But this is “to him that is able to contain, let him contain.” I repeat, this is not a choice between “evil” - marriage, and “good” - celibacy, but simply an indication of different possible paths and the apostle expressing his point of view, which, by the way, he directly speaks about.

So, after all, monasticism is valued above family? And then what’s the use of all this talk about the cult of the family, about the Sacrament?

In the priest's handbook - there is such a seven-volume manual for pastors - the chapter on monasticism begins with words, the meaning of which boils down to the following: for those who are not able to bear the hardships of family life, there is a monastic path in the Church. So judge for yourself what is considered a great feat from the church point of view!

I know monks who took the path of monasticism because they actually felt such a religious impulse that they decided not to waste their time on anything else. And at the same time, I know monastics who chose this path for completely different reasons. For example, one of my classmates in seminary. When he applied for monastic vows, I asked him: “Why did you decide that?” He replied: “I just know myself. I'm a weak person. I will not be able to serve both my family and the Church at the same time. And I really want to serve the Church. So this is an easier path for me. I choose it because I would like to do the most important thing in life.”

And here it is very important to remember that family life is not only a honeymoon. It would be the greatest deception if people thought that they could retain the feelings of their first love for the rest of their lives. As a rule, this does not happen. Therefore, there must be some other, much deeper relationship than just the romantic feelings of the first days.

But in the end, it’s very difficult, because family means letting some other person into the very core of your life, living not only for yourself, losing some kind of autonomy. In this sense, any serious love, especially marriage, is akin to a kind of suicide, when a person stops living for himself and begins to live for another. This is all very difficult, very painful. And here the Church is honest - that’s why she says that this is a martyr’s path in its own way. And at the wedding, martyr's crowns are placed on the heads of the newlyweds. And therefore the Church, admiring those people who get married, sings to them “Holy Martyrs...”.

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The secret of the future of the family is the unity of husband and wife.

“And the two shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Sermon, November 30, 1996

“A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

1. Husband and wife.

2. Harmony of masculine and feminine principles.

3. “The spirituality of a church-going, holy family is not inferior to the spirituality of monks.” From the sermon, 12/02/2000.

Husband and wife

Archbishop John: “In 1929, Lucia, the Virgin of Fatima, in the city of Tue (Portugal) sees a phenomenon before the altar: the Mother of God reveals herself to her with the Child of God, and on the altar arch it is written: on the left - “gratias” - gifts of grace and on the right - “mizericordia "- mercy. On the banner of Holy Rus', which depicts the Archangel Michael defeating the devil with the sword of truth, it is inscribed: “Courage and mercy” - one might say, these are the male and female hypostases of one. One flows into the other.

The crown of courage is boundless mercy towards the enemy. The crown of mercy is courage, without which our mercy is insignificant and in vain. How truly magnanimous one must be to have mercy on an enemy, and how strong one must be to show true mercy. They are united together, like husband and wife, who should cleave to each other and become one from two.

What if we asked the following question to the Blessed Virgin: who is more important and dearer to Her, a man or a woman?.. The Blessed Virgin would spread her hands, smile at us and say: “Dear children, how could I be without the Lord?..”

What would the Virgin Mary be like outside of Christ?.. Just a great saint with no special mission. If not for the Savior, She would be an ordinary mortal woman. Through Him She became the Spirit-Bearer and Mother of all mankind, the Queen of heaven and earth, having first become the Mother of the Son of Man, our Lord Jesus Christ.

Is the Gospel Lord possible without the Mother of God? Never. The Queen gave Her cooperative “yes,” “fiat, so be it,” She said. After which, in the dialogue of the Most Holy Trinity with the mortal Mary, standing on behalf of the Adamic race, the incarnation of the Son of God took place. Without the Mother of God there is no God-man, the Lord would not have come into the world, the Incarnation of God would not have taken place, and therefore redemption. Without Her, the Kingdom of God would not have come. It could only be revealed through the Blessed Virgin. And without the Lord, without His incarnation, there is no Mother of God.

How can you say who is more important?.. Lord? Mother of God?.. If you come to the king and ask: “Tsar, who is more important, you or your queen?”, this question will seem offensive to the king. At best, you will be asked to leave the room, and at worst, you will be punished. So it is with the Lord, if they ask Him, who is more important: He, the Heavenly King, the Lamb and the Bridegroom, or the Heavenly Queen, Co-Divider, Partaker, Cross-Bearer, Bride, His Mother, Wife - all the bright titles inheriting from Him?.. And in the same way. What is offensive is the question of who is more important or who is more primary - a man or a woman? For the image of the man is the Man of Glory, Jesus Christ, and the image of the wife is the Woman of Glory, the personified glory of the Lord is the Most Pure Virgin. Without Her cooperation, i.e. the consent of the courageous and merciful to co-redemptively share the cross of the Lord, redemption would not have been accomplished.

The husband is a cross-bearer, a lamb and a man of prayer. The wife is the wife of the lamb - the lamb who shares the cross. Let the husband cleave to his wife (Gen. 2:24) so ​​that he can find his peace in her. So the Man of Glory cleaves to the Woman and finds peace in Her arms, taken down from the cross. This is how He wished to say goodbye to us through the Mother of God, and this is how He came into the world, revealing Himself to Her - the first and last breath with the Collaborator of Redemption, the Most Pure Virgin.

Which one is more important?.. An offensive question. He is impossible without Her. She is unthinkable without Him. “The Lord is consubstantial with His Mother in human hypostasis,” St. affirms, following the Holy Fathers. John of Damascus. He and She are one. Isn't it time to glorify the perfect Man of righteousness and the perfect Woman of glory - Jesus and Mary?...

“And the two shall become one flesh,” it is said in Genesis; this is the mystery of the family, and the mystery of the dialogue of communication, and the mystery of the church, the mystery of marriage—the two become one flesh. One flesh with the Lord and through Him with our neighbor—one flesh.

Jesus and Mary were one flesh. The Lord received His flesh from the Most Holy Virgin, and the Mother of God, in turn, was deified through the Lord. The Lord became, as it were, a continuation of the Blessed Virgin, Her bodily incarnation on earth, and the Mother of God became a continuation of the Savior. So the two of them are one.

Thus, a righteous family and the relationship between male and female, man and woman, are determined not by the suggestions of the harlot of Babylon and not by the image of an instructor from the registry office, but by the grace of the upper room of Nazareth...

Perhaps one of the most unheard of mysteries is Christ and Mary. For some reason they don’t think about this... They each had their own mission determined by the Most Holy Trinity. For two thousand years they tried to squeeze Them into the framework of various rational theological systems, but They are completely inseparable - and now the time has come for the marriage of the Lamb and the Lamb!.. When guests gather for a wedding supper, first of all they are interested in the Groom and Bride and, of course, that , how the Groom and the Bride coincide, whether they are combined into one, becoming the progenitors of a new humanity, for the New Adam, as the Apostle calls the Savior, and the New Eve, as the Holy Fathers called the Blessed Virgin, are the progenitors of a new, transformed humanity - that is why they are called they are Adam and Eve.

* * *

The wife looks at her husband the way the Mother of God looked at the Savior - with admiration and sharing the cross. The husband looks at his wife the way the Lord looked at the Mother of God. This is true dialogue. And how He protected Her, protected her: remember, He sent Her to Capernaum when her earthly ministry began; suffered reproach, but did not reveal to anyone the secret of the Immaculate Conception, so as not to expose the Most Pure Virgin to attack. If the Pharisees had learned that the Lord had come to earth, conceived without a physical father, the Blessed Virgin would have been subjected to a humiliating examination. What courage of Christ! The Perfect Man of Truth. That is why Dostoevsky, after five years of hard labor, being a Petrashevite, having seen the Lord, wrote in his diary: “Christ will forever remain for me a model of love and courage. And even if the truth is not with Him, he paraphrases Aristotle, I will follow Christ, for there is no one more perfect, more beautiful than Him.”

This miracle of Christ is given to us by the Mother of God, and when we enter Her chambers, we see the Lord with our own eyes. And the miracle of Mary is given to us by the Bridegroom. And the wedding supper is three chambers: a white hall in the middle, on the right is the palace of the Groom and on the left is the palace of the Bride. And we, looking at them, through Mary comprehend the Lord, and the Lord, in His turn, with a smile sends us to Mary, saying: “Taste again and again from the Mother’s fullness in order to flow to Me.” And, having tasted the grace of the Blessed Virgin, they go to the Lord.

So, a wondrous, endless procession from the Groom to the Bride and from the Bride to the Groom - this is the wedding supper of the third millennium. Which one is more important? Who is more important at a wedding? Groom or Bride? If anyone starts saying such things, they will immediately shut their mouths and throw them out. So it is in the Kingdom of Heaven: if someone starts to humiliate a woman, talking about some advantages of a man, or humiliate a man, talking about the advantages of a woman, this is completely impossible. But the man is predominantly “gratias”, i.e. he is blessed to be a man of righteousness, he is a warrior, he bears his cross, looking at Christ, he is, as it were, the first bride (his soul). So the wife is “mizericordia”, a merciful, courageous helper. And just as the husband (soul-bride) is before God, the Groom, so is the wife before her husband. The Holy Scripture teaches about this.

The Mother of God shared the heaviest cross possible. And if She had not said Her “yes” and had not come to Him for the Gethsemane prayer, and had not stood at the Cross, saying Her endless “yes,” we do not know how the Gospel atonement would have been accomplished and whether it would have been accomplished at all...

Harmony of masculine and feminine principles

I know from what sources the idea that the “age of woman” is coming, supposedly previously “terrorized” by the Abrahamic religions, which will now push aside Christianity, Mohammedanism and Judaism. The source of this is Tibet, with its Mahatma Morya, and India. The same Shambhala from which the Antichrist wants to come, descending from his cosmic tent. But he doesn't belong here. And it sounds like great blasphemy that the “age of women” is coming, and they are pushing men aside, or that there was once a “time of men.” There was, is and will be the Kingdom of God on Earth, given to God.

Today, against the images of Agni Yogis, Mahatma-Moriev’s man-haters, against Weinenger’s “war of the sexes” of men and women, Heaven is bringing down the images of myrrh-bearing women. The devil wants to destroy the image of husband and wife as it was presented in ancient Israel: a holy husband and a holy wife. The tempter makes a lot of efforts: to make a man feminine - feminization of a man, and to make a woman masculine - masculinization. You will see this in all forms. One can very easily say whether a given direction or art is from God or not: if its representatives, men, are effeminate, if they become feminized as they acquire the spirit, there is something clearly diabolical here. And on the contrary, if a woman becomes masculinized and wants to acquire masculine things that are not blessed by God, this is again the action of the devil. This is how Babylon happens, which is translated as “confusion” - male with female, and female with male, and as a result there are no longer any genuine men or women blessed by God. Disgusting...

God gave us the beauty of the Man of glory, the sacrificial Lamb - His courage is inseparable from the feminine hypostasis of mercy. If courage is not merciful, it immediately turns into some kind of pagan, old virtue, it is crowned with some kind of authoritarianism, aggressiveness. And on the contrary, mercy demands our highest courage. Mercy is the crown of courage. If we want to live in love, we must be courageous

, without which we will never achieve love, it will remain only in words, and already at the first test we will collapse. But our pledge, the pledge of the Holy Spirit, is the Mother of God, She is the merciful Mother, as humanity calls to Her. I don’t know who was more courageous than Her. And the Lord, the Man of glory, is the Father of love. Who was more merciful than Christ, who prayed on the Cross for the forgiveness of His enemies?..

Russian men - heroes, and wives - myrrh-bearing wives are being erected today. Holy men who will need bright wives, just as the Lord needed His Mother. Just as God needs a man, so a husband needs his wife. Just as a man needs God, so a wife needs a husband , and they stick one to the other and become “one” (cf. John 17:22) - one in heart, one, in one.

Men follow the Lord wherever He goes. What about the wives? The wives follow the Most Pure Virgin, She is their example. In heaven they do not marry, but a certain hypostatic difference is preserved, i.e. spiritual difference between men and women. We know that saints retain some gender characteristics in their appearances. We say: “Saint John Chrysostom, Saint John of Kronstadt...” - only the angels already lose their gender features, however, they are listed in the masculine gender, although they are sometimes depicted with elements of femininity.

The Most Holy Mother is the new Abraham, She is the perfect hypostatic harmony of the male and female principles. I ask the Most Holy Virgin that all souls born men in the flesh become men in spirit of courage and mercy, crowned with the crowns of winners. And so that all souls born of women according to the flesh become myrrh-bearing wives, holy wives, crowned by the Most Holy Lady.

And let each of them find each other in the Church, and bear their cross, just as the Lord, having descended into the world, found His Bride, and She found Him. May the holy men, Russian heroes, and holy myrrh-bearing women be glorified in Holy Rus', and the rest will be gone like rubbish forever. Amen". (As a manuscript. Archbishop John (Bereslavsky). Sermon, M., 11/30/1996)

The spirituality of a church-going, holy family is not inferior to the spirituality of monks

Archbishop John: “Tears are flowing, angels are weeping - the Eucharist. Allow me, beloved soul, to declare my love to you. The Church is my mysterious Wife, my eternal beloved. Another Wife, squad. Didn't the soul come into the world to remember that it has a mysterious, from eternity, Wife? How today Satan seeks to disgrace the shrine where God dwells. There are so many desecrators, blasphemers, and criminals who disgrace the Church of God. Let us praise the house where God dwells!..

From the Church will come God-civilization and God-manhood, already established, for God gives Himself to us, thereby multiplying and enriching the transfigured human nature in the Eucharist. The Church is thus already established God-manhood. The Church is the nest of a great eagle in the desert, an already established (by faith) divine civilization of saints. Its mystical definition is the mirror of the Kingdom of God, ineffably and inexplicably abiding and shining amid the darkness of human sinful night.

This world will pass away, and only the Church will survive. The soul will pass away and this temporary period will end, but the church will remain in it for eternity. And the incorruptible treasure, which the Lord taught about, believing that it only needs to be accumulated, can only be obtained in church barns. The Church will be preserved, and the world will pass away - but another will remain, not this old, outgoing, dilapidated tabernacle, but the holy, universal Church, led by God, knowing, united, loving His Bride. How she yearns to descend into the world, and how the cherubim tremble at one word: Church of the true God, sanctuary of Christ!..

There is church time - time spent in the Church. In the face of eternity it is the only valuable thing. When the soul leaves the world, it remembers only the time it spent in the Church, it is recorded in eternity, and the rest is considered empty, in extreme cases, preparing for the church chambers. Remember this, soul. Keep church time, time close to eternity!..

A high church mountain stands on eight pillars. Its highest pillar is spiritual laws and the will of God that resides in it. The enemy works against her with the spirit of the world, where there is lawlessness and lies.

The second pillar of the church is hierarchy. Against it is old equality, anarchy. In the Church there is agape (spiritual) love. Another love is fighting against it - philia (human): companionship, solidarity, friendship, camaraderie. There is a pillar of deep repentance in the Church. Condemnation fights against repentance. The opposite of obedience is self-will. Against prayer is the spirit of the world. Against metanoia or turning to God, change is satiety. The whole world collectively is fighting against the cross given by God and the crown of the conqueror of the spirit of the world...

Is the Church needed at all? There is nothing but the Church, for it is the tent of the name of God “I am.” God, coming into the world, stretches out His bush with the name I am, and he who is in the Church is. And the question is not “is the Church needed,” but rather, do the Church need us and do we exist for God? Are we outside the Church? I affirm: we are not. Without the Church, the world will perish, and the soul will be lost without a trace.

Spirit of the world... What is this? The slightest decision, choice made by us outside of God, in the sphere of “there is no God” - the spirit of the world - the slightest attacks of mammon, ad-lib, egoism. The Church is a divine civilization, a divinely established perfect organization. Everything in it is through the will of God. She constantly looks and does not look away, she is combined

with your Head, Christ, day and night - unceasingly! God dictates His word and it is embodied in us. The Church is a shrine that precedes us by millennia... We must tremble when entering it, and long to become a church member, to become a Christian, to become a Christian. These are the future goals for the ascetics of the third millennium.

In the Church is His Kingdom, His glory and triumph. Nothing but God. Every step is dedicated to Him, with Him, through Him. How high a church soul must be in holiness in order to satisfy spiritual requirements in order to live through God by faith

: every step, even voting on the street car.

In the Church, the key for a young family is to follow spiritual laws . There is another Wife, a mysterious one, between husband and wife - the bride of Christ, my Church. The church is the head of the husband, like Christ. If a husband’s first mysterious Wife is the Church, she gives him the strength (like a spiritual family) to lead and care for his family. Whoever uses this church key will prosper in the family.

We are planting a new image - the churchly, unchurched, holy family. The spirituality of such a family, the spirituality of such a husband, for whom the first wife is the holy squad, the other Wife, the holy Church - is not inferior to the spirituality of monks .

* * *

The Church has its own entrances and exits. They are blessed. And everyone who enters the church gates hears: blessed are you

, just as it was said at the Annunciation: “Blessed are You among the Women...”.

It’s awkward in the Church - so it will be in the Kingdom. He who loves the Church will one day reach God's palace. Whoever has entered the Church will cross its threshold in eternity. Whoever has accepted the Church will be accepted by the Lord into His arms, and whoever has offended the Church will be rejected by God. The church and mother, who accepts us as we are, and the father, who wants to take us to another level. Inexplicable. Accept us as we are and regret seeing us differently...

The Church is responsible for every soul, now and forever. All its members have one common destiny. The sky is open and she has a special space

, where the living and the dead are one. All saints, righteous people, patriarchs and kings abide in it invisibly. Future Orthodox ascetics will teach about church time and the church Kingdom of God. They will easily “fly” in prayer and make two thousand bows a day, and read half a psalter. The Holy Spirit will be on their lips. But first, the old tabernacle, which the Apostle Paul speaks of, must collapse, which is at war with the Holy Spirit and with the true God.

…Let us be faithful to our beautiful Church. If God chose her from millions, as is revealed to us, if God leads her from the Solovetsky Golgotha, just as we cannot choose our Mother Church, to whom we owe everything. Therefore, let us not be wounded by this malicious slander, as if we could go to any other church, let us not accept thoughts that erode this priceless treasury of holy Orthodoxy - let us take a vow of allegiance to our Mother Church...

“You can do without a church,” others say, “just faith is enough...”

“Poor and lost,” I will tell them. “The Church can do without you, and not a single soul can do without the Church.” For the earthly Church is built in the image of the heavenly one. And only those souls will enter the Kingdom who will enter the triumphant Church. Only those will enter the triumphant Church who will enter the earthly Church.

By condemning the Church, presenting scores to it, the soul acquires deadly sins for itself. The Church is sinless. Judge yourself. Break yourself. Present it to yourself. Justify the Church, which is always greater than we can imagine than all the mysteries revealed in it. It is always wider, more spacious, more majestic than all its components. The name of God is stretched over it: “I am.” And we are to the extent that we are close to the Church.

Church prayer is heard by God. The church is led and heard. Placed in the sunny desert of the apocalyptic Wife. Is it possible to replace church prayer with anything? The clergy are waiting for the hour when they can come to the temple, for a special gate mysteriously opens at the Eucharist of our Church. Aren't they the same ones in which Seraphim of Solovetsky the Touched served?..

…May God give us love and gratitude to our Mother Church, for the literal translation of the Eucharist is thanksgiving.” (Archbishop John (Bereslavsky). Sermon, 02.12.2000, collection “Mary is with us”, N267, publishing house “Orthodox Church of the Mother of God Sovereign”, M., 2000)

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(c) All rights reserved. Centralized religious organization Orthodox Church of the Mother of God Sovereign. Moscow, 1999 (c) Priest Ilya (Popov).

From 1982 to 1991 - Catacomb Church. In 1991, the public association public-charitable educational foundation “Virgin Center” was registered in Moscow, which in 1993 was renamed the “New Holy Rus'” foundation; in 1999 the foundation ceased to operate. In 1992, the voluntary religious association “Community of the Church of the Transfigurating Mother of God” was registered in Moscow. According to the requirements of the Federal Law of the Russian Federation on freedom of conscience and on religious associations adopted in 1997, it was renamed and operates to this day as “Local religious organization - Community of the Orthodox Church of the Mother of God Sovereign in Moscow”, OGRN 1037700054094. 02/04/1997. The Ministry of Justice of the Russian Federation registered the voluntary religious association Orthodox Church of the Mother of God Derzhavnaya, registration certificate N388, OGRN 1025000003621 10.30.2002 in accordance with the requirements of the law, approved the name Centralized religious organization Orthodox Church of the Mother of God Derzhavnaya.

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Gospel of Mark, Chapter 10, verses 2-12

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02 The Pharisees came and asked, tempting Him: Is it permissible for a husband to divorce his wife?

03 He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”

04 They said: Moses allowed the writing of a letter of divorce and divorce.

05 Jesus answered and said unto them, Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.

06 At the beginning of creation, God created them male and female.

07 Therefore a man will leave his father and mother

08 And he shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.

09 Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.

10 At the house, His disciples asked Him the same thing again.

11 He said to them: || whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;

12 And if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.

Archpriest Pavel Velikanov reads and comments on the Gospel of Mark, Chapter 10, verses 2-12

Moses breaking the tablets. Rembrandt, 1659

Mk., X, 2-12

2 The Pharisees came and asked, tempting Him: Is it permissible for a husband to divorce his wife? 3 He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said: Moses allowed a letter of divorce to be written and a divorce to take place. 5 Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts, he wrote you this commandment.” 6 At the beginning of creation, God created them male and female. 7 Therefore a man will leave his father and mother 8 and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh; so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. 10 At the house, His disciples asked Him the same thing again. 11 He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; 12 And if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.

Archpriest Pavel Velikanov comments

It is not surprising that for the next test of Christ, the Pharisees chose precisely the question of the admissibility of second marriage. It would seem, what is there to argue about here? The Law spells out everything in detail: God is a supporter only of strict monogamy. But this is only one side of the issue. In practice, divorce existed, and the most vulnerable party was the woman, from whom her husband could divorce for any reason. After all, she is just an animate thing, the property of her owner, what rights does she have? There could only be one reason - if the husband found “something nasty” in his wife. In a word, you don’t have to be a skilled interpreter of the law to understand: if you want, you can find “something nasty” in any woman, even the most remarkable woman in all respects. She cooked a dish poorly, spoke to an unfamiliar man, or even simply raised her voice - and there is already grounds for divorce. Moreover, the consent of the woman herself was not required for a divorce: she was simply notified in writing that from now on she was no longer a wife and could continue to manage her destiny as she pleased.

It is not surprising that such divorce practice led to the fact that women were simply afraid to get married, the institution of marriage was so fragile. In addition, it is necessary to remember the strong influence of Roman law, where marriage was easily dissolved and many of the restrictions that existed in Judaism were absent. The incestuous and criminal marriage of Herod Antipas to his brother's ex-wife, Herodias, was a clear indicator of how far the practice could stray from traditional principles of Judaism.

Against this background, Jesus’ categorical words about monogamy sounded like a challenge. Moreover, the challenge was so tough and strong that even Christ’s closest disciples became sad and said: “Well, then it’s better not to get married at all!...”. That is why Evangelist Mark writes that even when a very narrow circle remained, the apostles again returned to this issue.

What is the reason for such a decisively unambiguous approach, excluding the possibility of multiple interpretations so desired by the Jews? How can our ears accommodate this when every second marriage, according to statistics, breaks up?

In His answer, the Savior refers us to the beginning of the universe, to the plan that was laid down by the Creator in the creation of the male and female sexes. Indissoluble unity - this is how one can describe the purpose for which marriage was established by God. Not only reproduction, but making up for each other’s incompleteness and overcoming their limitations. The wonderful English writer Gilbert Chesterton noted that by male standards any woman is crazy, by female standards any man is a monster, man and woman are psychologically incompatible - and thank God! There is room for both men and women to strive—towards the unity commanded by God. Sergei Averintsev, in his wonderful article “Marriage and Family: The Untimely Experience of the Christian View of Things” - which I strongly recommend everyone to read - writes: “There will be two in one flesh,” - the discouraging, unexpected accuracy of these words has become completely clear to me, it seems, only after my silver wedding. Not an official “unit of society”. Not a romantic “union of hearts”. One flesh. The blessed difficulty of family is that it is a place where each of us comes incredibly close to the most important character in our lives - the Other.

But the Other is the same Gospel Neighbor who, at the Last Judgment, will act as our most important justifier - or accuser! And those lines of tension that are inevitable in any real marriage are nothing more than indicators that both husband and wife have something to work on. Learn to build relationships with each other. Acquire the skill of boundless and sincere respect for the position of another that is alien to you. Find time and energy for extremely open and honest communication with each other in order to promptly get rid of small and large cobblestones carried in your bosom. Don’t try to sugarcoat already red-hot relationships with diplomacy and ostentatious complacency - but learn to help each other, overcome misunderstandings, get rid of claims and grievances. And all this is precisely the very God-blessed feat of marriage, the refusal of which is tantamount to the refusal of the salvation and transformation of one’s own soul. It is much easier to cross out a relationship that has not yet developed, and with a lighter heart run for another happiness. There’s just one problem: you can’t run away from yourself. And you will never catch up with happiness.

Help us, Lord, to learn to be wise and kind builders of salvation - and not destructive ones! – relationships with each other!

About marriage and family

1. Marriage was not established for the purpose of indulgence in debauchery or fornication, but for the purpose of abstinence. So, listen to what Paul says: “ To avoid fornication, each one have his own wife, and each one have her own husband ” (see 1 Cor. 7:2). Therefore, there are two reasons why marriage was established: to abstain and to bear children.

Of these two, the first is the reason for abstinence. For marriage was established when lust entered into a person, to discourage its excessive gratification, while at the same time convincing the husband to have only one wife.

Marriage itself is not the cause of procreation, but the word of God, who says: “ Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth ” (see Gen. 1:28). We are assured of this by those who, having married, did not become parents. So the first is the reason for abstinence, and especially now, when the whole earth is filled with the human race.

In the beginning, of course, the birth of children was desired because everyone really wanted to leave behind a memory, and this was a continuation of his own life. There was then no hope of resurrection, but death ruled over everything, and those who died believed that after this life here on earth they would pass into oblivion. Therefore, the Lord gave children as a consolation, so that they would be a living image of the dead and the human race would be preserved, and for those who were dying and for their relatives, their descendants would be a great consolation.

2. First find out the reason for marriage and why it came into our lives, without asking anything more. What is the reason for it, and why did God give us marriage? Listen to what Paul says: “To avoid fornication, each man must have his own wife.” He didn’t say “to get rid of poverty or to acquire wealth,” but what then? So that we avoid fornication, restrain lust, live abstinently and be pleasing to God, being content with our spouse. This is the gift of marriage, its fruit and benefit. So, leaving more, do not ask for less: because wealth is much less than self-control. Therefore, we alone need to get married in order to avoid sin and get rid of any fornication. Therefore, one should get married so that marriage will help one to practice abstinence. This is how it will be if we take pious wives, very self-controlled and modest in behavior.

3. I believe that virginity is much higher than marriage, although for this reason I do not think that marriage is bad, but on the contrary, I highly praise it. Because it is a haven of abstinence for those who want to use it for good, and does not allow nature to become irritated. Because God, by establishing a legal carnal union - like a breakwater reflecting the waves of lust - gave us great silence and protection.

4. Marriage is good because it keeps the husband in abstinence and does not allow him to perish by falling into fornication. So, do not condemn marriage, because it brings great benefit, preventing the members of Christ from becoming members of prodigals and preventing the holy temple from becoming profane and unclean. Marriage is good because it restrains and restores those who might fall into sin.

5. Of course, marriage was also given for childbirth, but much more in order to extinguish the kindling of nature. A witness to this is Paul, who says: “ To avoid fornication, each one should have his own wife ,” and not for procreation. And again he orders that you come together not to have children, but “ so that Satan does not tempt you ” (see 1 Cor. 7:5). And he didn’t say further if they don’t want children, but what? “ But if they cannot abstain, let them marry ” (see 1 Cor. 7:9). In the beginning, therefore, as I said, marriage had these two reasons, but later, when the earth, the sea, and the whole universe were filled with people, there remained only one reason for marriage - to avoid debauchery and debauchery.

6. It is not marriage that is bad, but adultery and fornication are bad, and marriage is a medicine that removes from fornication. Let us not dishonor marriage, as Satan does, but what once happened in Cana of Galilee, let those who are married now also have it, that is, let Christ abide in their midst.

And how do you say this can be? Through priests. “Because he who receives you,” He says, “receives Me.” So, remove the devil... and invite the holy servants of Christ, with them Christ will certainly come with His Mother and brothers. “ For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother ” (see Matt. 12:50).

7. Let us not neglect our salvation and not give our souls to the devil. For from here come countless family misfortunes, endless quarrels, from here love is gradually lost and desire for one’s spouse weakens.

Just as it is impossible for a reasonable husband to ever neglect and despise his wife, so it is impossible for a depraved and dissolute husband to love his wife, even if she is the most beautiful of all. From abstinence comes love and from love countless benefits.

Let all other wives be for you as if made of stone, because you know that if, having married, you look at another with unclean eyes, you are guilty of adultery. Repeat these words to yourself every day, and if you see that another wife evokes lust in you and for that reason your own seems unbearable to you, enter your room, open the book and accept Paul as your intercessor.

By constantly repeating these words, completely extinguish the fire of lust. And so your wife will become desirable to you again, because no other lust will extinguish your desire for her. And not only will your wife become more desirable to you, but you will also be much more modest and free.

8. For if your neighbor, having the same body, the same desire, driven by the same need, does not look at any other wife except his own, what excuse will you have for showing your lust?

9. “ This mystery is great ” (see Eph. 5:32). But tell me how big? For the virgin, having spent all her time in the room and never seeing the groom, from the very first day experiences a strong desire for him and accepts him as her own body, likewise her husband, who has never seen her, has not talked to her, and he believes her from the first day above everyone: friends, relatives, and their parents themselves.

And parents, if they lose their wealth for some other reason, become upset, sad, drag those who took them to court, and a man whom they have often never seen or known, they entrust their daughter and a rich dowry to him. And they rejoice at this, not considering what is happening as a loss, but, seeing how their daughter is taken far away, they do not remember family ties, are not sad or upset, but are grateful and consider it a blessing to see how their daughter is taken away from home, and together with she has great wealth.

Consequently, having all this in mind, that is, that both, leaving their parents, unite with each other, and this union only becomes stronger over time, realizing that this is not from man, but God instilled such love, and did so, that those who give and those who give themselves do so with great joy, Paul says: “This mystery is great.”

10. In fact, truly this is a mystery and a great mystery, because a person leaves the father who raised him, the mother who endured the pains of birth and suffered - those who did so much good for him, those with whom he was in friendship, and cleaves to that , whom he did not know and who has nothing in common with him, and prefers her to everyone. Truly it is a mystery.

11. Let us seek only one thing: spiritual virtue and modesty of behavior in order to enjoy the world and live in harmony and eternal love. For he who took a rich wife took a mistress into the house rather than a wife. And if wives are already filled with pride and easily fall into vanity, then how will their spouses bear them if we add wealth to this.

And on the contrary, the one who took a wife equal to himself or poorer, took an assistant and an ally and brought all the benefits to his house. Because, due to her poverty, she moves towards caring for her husband, gives in and obeys in everything, removes any pretext for disagreements and disputes, and also arrogance is alien to her and she is not offended; thus she is bound by bonds of peace, like-mindedness, love and harmony.

Let us therefore not seek riches, but peace, that we may enjoy joy. Marriage was not given so that our homes would become a field of battles and battles, so that quarrels and disagreements would tear us apart, and we would come into conflict with each other, making our lives unbearable, but so that we could receive help and have shelter, refuge and consolation in times of danger. , and have a pleasant conversation with your wife.

12. Keeping all this in mind, let us not think about wealth, but about decent behavior, modesty and abstinence. For a reasonable wife, modest in behavior and self-controlled, even if poor, will be able to manage her poverty better than her wealth.

13. For physical beauty, when it is not simultaneously accompanied by the virtue of the soul, can conquer a husband for twenty to thirty days, but then nothing will work, because it will show all its malice and destroy love. Those who shine with spiritual beauty, no matter how much time passes, show their nobility and begin to love their husbands even more passionately and ignite them with their love.

And when this exists, and there is genuine and ardent friendship between them, then all fornication is removed, and even the thought of debauchery never comes to the one who not only loves his wife, but is always content only with her; for their abstinence they receive favor from God and He protects their entire house.

This is how the valiant men of antiquity took wives for themselves, seeking not the wealth of money, but the nobility of the soul.

14. So you too: whether you are looking for a groom or a bride, look first of all for the following: whether she is pious, whether she has favor with God. For if this is there, everything else will follow. And if not, then even if they have earthly goods in abundance, there is no benefit in that.

15. I said all this not so that you would listen and, while listening, become exalted only, but so that you would imitate.

You, fathers, imitate the wisdom of the patriarch Abraham, who took a simple wife. Looking neither for wealth, nor for noble birth, nor for the beauty of the body, nor for anything else except the nobility of the soul. And you, mothers, raise your virgins this way. You suitors who want to take them, take them with all decency... and always asking God to be the mediator in all your affairs.

If you do this in life, there will never be any divorce, no adultery, no reason for jealousy, no quarrel, no bickering, but we will enjoy much peace and harmony. And when you have this, other virtues will certainly follow. Because if a wife contradicts her husband, everything in the house goes wrong, even if everything else is fine. And when there is peace and harmony, nothing unpleasant happens, despite the fact that countless worries arise every day.

If marriages are concluded this way, then we can very easily lead children to virtue. For when a mother is modest and reasonable, having every virtue, she will certainly be able to bring her husband into her love. And when he acquires it, he will be very willing to help her raise her children, and will receive help from God. If the husband helps in this good work of educating children's souls, everything in the house will go well and nothing unpleasant will happen, because its owners are pious.

16. Let us try from the beginning to take a wife who can easily get used to us and live the way we live. By taking such a wife, we not only gain that we will never divorce her, but also that we will love her with such strength as Paul commanded, who said: “Husbands, love your wives,” but does not stop at this, but also shows us the measure of love - “as Christ loved the Church.”

How, tell me, did Christ love her? “ He gave himself for her ” (see Eph. 5:24). So, if we need to die for our wives, we will not refuse it. For if the Lord so loved his servant (the Church) that he gave his life for her, it is much more fitting for you, as the servant of the Lord, to love your fellow servant.

17. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Have you seen what obedience is like? Listen also about love. Do you want your wife to be obedient to you, as the Church is to Christ? Take care of her as Christ cares for the Church: either you will have to lay down your soul for her, or you will be wounded a thousand times, or you will suffer and endure without shying away, no matter what.

Do not turn away from your wife if she is ugly. Listen to what Scripture says: “ The bee is small among insects, but its fruit is sweet ” (Sir. 11:3). A woman is a creation of God, and it is not her that you blaspheme, but the One who created her.

18. Do not say that God created you, and someone inferior to Him created her. One and the same brought you both into existence. And if for nothing else, then at least love her for it.

19. And not only for this reason should we love our wife, because she is a member of our body and was created from us, but also for this reason why God established the law, saying the following: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” and the two will become one flesh ” (see Eph. 5:31). This is precisely why Paul brought this law to us, to encourage us to love her in every possible way. And note the wisdom of the Apostle: he exhorts us neither from Divine nor from human laws to love wives, but borrowing from both the former and the latter.

So the one who is higher and more trusted takes from the laws of God, and the weaker from the laws of man and nature.

20. He who really loves his wife, even if she is not very obedient to him, will bear everything. It is difficult and difficult for spouses to reach agreement if they are not united by the “tyranny” of love.

21. Now, you say that she suffers from an incurable disease and, despite the fact that you care very much about her, continues to maintain her habits. But even in this case, do not drive her away, because even a terminally ill member of the body cannot be cut off. And this is a member of your own body, because it is said: “ And the two will become one flesh ” (Eph. 5:31).

When an illness in a member of the body cannot be cured, we gain nothing by treating it. But with a wife, even if she is terminally ill, when we teach and instruct her, great reward awaits us. And if she gains nothing from our teaching, we will receive a great reward from God for our patience, for out of fear of God we showed such great patience and bore her malice with meekness, preserving this member. Since the wife is the member we need, we must love her very much. This is precisely what Paul teaches when he says again: “ So ought husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and warms it, just as the Lord does the Church; for we are members of His body, both of His flesh and of His bones ” (Eph. 5:28-30).

22. But the husband, as one who has power, in a fit of anger, should not subject his wife to insults or beat her, but let him instruct, advise, convince with words, as if she is weaker. He never stretches out his hands to hit her - this is indecent for a free soul, but he admonishes her, never using insults, scolding, or reproaches.

23. Pray together, and let everyone go to church and from what was read or said there, accordingly, demand fulfillment at home - husband from wife, wife from husband. If you are poor, take the example of Peter and Paul, who became famous more than all kings and rich people and how they lived - in hunger and thirst. Teach her that there is nothing to be afraid of in life that happens, but only if someone resists God.

24. If my husband cannot abstain, but I want abstinence? You must follow him. For if you do not want to do this, then the chain to which you are tied by marriage attracts you and leads you to the one with whom you were connected from the beginning.

She who practices abstinence without the will of her husband not only loses the reward for her abstinence, but is also guilty of his adultery, bearing greater responsibility for this than he does. Why is that? Yes, because she pushed him into this disastrous abyss, depriving him of a legitimate carnal union. If it is not even slightly allowed to do this without the will of her husband, what kind of forgiveness will she receive if she completely deprives him of this consolation.

25. So, when this whole world was completely created, and everything was prepared for our peace and benefit, God created man, for whose sake he brought the whole world into being. When man was first created, he lived in paradise, and there was no point in marriage. Even when he needed a helper and was given by God, marriage was not a necessity. The first people in paradise lived without marriage, as in heaven, enjoying communication with their Creator. Lust for carnal intercourse, conception, pain, childbirth and every kind of corruption were alien to their souls. Like water that flows from a pure spring, so they, adorned with virginity, lived in this place.

Because of disobedience, the commandments of God became earth and ashes, and along with that blessed life they lost the beauty of the virginity that left them, just like God. From the very moment when they became captives of the devil and cast off the royal vestments and heavenly attire, having accepted the corruption of death, curse, suffering, life in labor, then, along with all this, marriage entered their lives, this corruptible and slavish garment. For it is said: “ He who is married cares for the things of the world ” (1 Cor. 7:33). Do you see where marriage comes from? Why did it become necessary? Because of disobedience, curse and death. Where there is death, there is marriage. If there were no death, there would be no marriage.

26. The nature of husband and wife is created similar, and the deeds of both, and rewards and condemnation, are equal. Let the wife not make the excuse that she is more weak; her soul has equal strength with her husband. And the wife is no less than the husband in the image and likeness, but in enduring suffering and patience the wife is much superior to the husband.

27. Virtue is common to both husband and wife, just as the work of both is equal, so the reward is the same. Listen to what the book of Genesis says: “ And God created man... in the image of God created he him; male and female he created them ” (Gen. 1:27). Those who have a common nature, common actions, those who have an equal cause, have an equal reward.

28. When God created the husband, there was no wife in the world. The all-good God took a rib from the husband and created a wife, as today’s wives are, and gave her as a companion to the husband for comfort. God created the wife equal to her husband, not inferior to him.

- How do you treat wives here?

- As to our inferiors.

“You are not doing the right thing, my brothers, and if you, husbands, want to be better than your wives, you must act better than them.” Look, the wives do better and go to heaven, and we go to hell. What good does it do us if we are men but act worse? It would be better not to be husbands at all.

29. You too, O my brother, who is a husband, must not treat your wife as a slave, because she is a creation of God, just like you. Just as God was crucified for you, so for her. “Father” you call God, “Father” - and she. You have one Baptism, one faith, immaculate Sacraments, of which you are both partakers. A wife is no lower to God than you, and that is why he created her from the side of her husband, so that the husband would be like a king, and the wife like a vizier, or the husband like the head, and the wife like the body. He did not create a wife from her head, so that she would not despise her husband, just as he did not create her from her feet, so that the husband would not despise his wife.

• In paragraphs 1-25 are quotes from the works of St. John Chrysostom.
• In paragraphs 26-27 are quotes from the works of St. Basil the Great.
• In paragraphs 28-29 are quotes from the teachings of Saint Cosmas of Aetolia.

From the book “Athos Conversations”

The cross is heavier than the monastic one

— Father Nektary, among those couples who come to your church and ask to get married, how many people are truly churchgoers who understand what the Sacrament of Marriage is?

— Probably, people who ask to get married can be divided into two categories, and unequal ones. One category is the parishioners of the church where I serve as rector. That is, those whom I know well. And their decision to get married does not come as a surprise to me. The decision is preceded by a process that we, clergy and other parishioners, have witnessed for a considerable time. But another category of couples asking to get married are those people whom we see for the first time. And, it is likely that, having gotten married, we will not see them again. Yes, we don’t just get married just because they asked. We conduct preparatory, public conversations with them - just as with those wishing to receive the Sacrament of Baptism. We tell them what the essence of the Sacrament of Marriage is, what the church responsibilities of spouses are in relation to each other, we talk briefly about what Christian and church life is. But we cannot predict what will happen to them after the wedding: what happens next depends only on these two, whom we do not know, and besides, they may not know each other yet. Unfortunately, people today often get married without really getting to know each other, and the process of getting to know each other begins only when they are already living together. We cannot influence the consequences of their decision to enter into a church marriage; we cannot in any way realize our pastoral responsibility for making these two persons one in the Sacrament of Marriage. Or they didn’t... And this can’t help but confuse, can’t help but worry.

What was the original meaning of a wedding? Not just some analogue of a civil status record, but a testimony: the Church testified that two people, two members of the Christian community want to become a family. The life of a community is a common life, it is, in fact, the life of one family, and these two could not exclude themselves from the common life: they had to inform everyone that they were going to create a family within this large family. Naturally, they notified the bishop about this and asked for his blessing for the marriage. And after that, in the Sacrament of Wedding, they were taught the blessing of God and at the same time the blessing of the Church (community) for their future life together. People did not consider it possible for themselves to get married, ignoring the Church, otherwise what kind of Christians would they be?

But today our situation is completely different. Now, even in a good case, the approach to the Sacrament of Wedding is somewhat utilitarian in nature. A good case is if the bride and groom, even if they are not yet truly churchgoers, still understand that a wedding is not just a beautiful ritual, photos from which can then be posted on Instagram, Facebook or somewhere else; that it has some spiritual significance, that it is a sacred rite, a sacrament. But nevertheless, in most cases they get married because they know: God blesses a married marriage, and this marriage is better than an unmarried one. On the one hand, this is certainly true: in the prayers of the wedding ceremony, a blessing is asked for a life together, for healthy and large offspring, for a home, in a word, for everything. But the main thing is still not the benefits that a person wants to receive from God after the Sacrament of Wedding, but namely the Christian life of the spouses, who must become one flesh (see: Matt. 19 , 5). For a person who remains external to the Church, it is incomprehensible how two can become one; but this is where the mystery of unity lies. How should you work, what efforts should you make so that what is possible in the sacrament becomes completely real in your life, in your common life? This is achieved precisely through Christian, church life, through overcoming those contradictions that exist within one person, and those contradictions that exist between two people. A non-church person cannot understand what this is: it is difficult for him to even understand what is required of him in this case. Therefore, when we marry non-church people, there is a moment of profanation in this...

- And you can’t avoid it?

- No, because here we are forced to be guided by the principle of oikonomia - leniency. People came to the temple, had preliminary conversations, and when we see that they still have faith, they have at least some minimal understanding of Christianity, we cannot refuse them a wedding. If we refuse them, we will push them away, we will scare them away, we ourselves will deprive them of the blessing that they need and strive for. But at the same time, we cannot say anything about what will come out of this marriage. This is an inevitable consequence of the main defect in our current parish life: Christians do not form a single community. And in the situation with the Sacrament of Marriage, this manifests itself very clearly. The conscience of a person who comes to us is in most cases in the dark for us. The priest must, within a very short time, understand who is standing in front of him now, what kind of people they are...

- And someday, perhaps, we will refuse the wedding?

- Yes, in some cases, I think the priest should do this, if the situation is completely absurd, absurd. For example, when it is obvious that the bride and groom do not know each other at all. Then you need to answer: “No, I won’t marry you, we’ll wait until you really get to know each other.” But this is a difficult question; it is very difficult to find the line here: when to refuse, and when to still get married. Perhaps this couple will go to another temple, and they will not be refused. But I believe that the priest has the right and obligation to at least remind these people of mutual responsibility, of responsibility for marriage, at least to invite the bride and groom not to rush into the wedding, to get to know each other better.

A wedding is categorically impossible when we see that for a person a sacrament is just an empty phrase, just a ritual or a formality, and if we cannot in any way bring this person closer to understanding: he is absolutely alien to this, and all this is devoid of any meaning for him. People come to us to get married and say that they don’t believe in God. Why then a wedding? The parents insist or this couple is going for permanent residence in Greece, and there the marriage must be a church one. There could be a lot of reasons. But you cannot baptize a person who does not believe in God, and in the same way you cannot marry people who do not believe in God: this is completely unnatural. The sacrament can only be performed in relation to someone who has faith.

“But here’s what seems like an ideal option: a couple of believers, completely churchgoers, who seem to understand everything perfectly well, get married. We met in church, on a pilgrimage, during labor obedience in a monastery... Complete like-mindedness and common feeling. And three years later - divorce. I know such cases directly and hear regularly that there are many of them.

- This is called the phenomenon of false convergence. Two people, who are actually very far from each other, meet in an environment that is close, related, and pleasant to both. The circumstances in which they met and became acquainted create powerful emotional support: pilgrimage to a monastery, etc. Plus the inherent rejection of both from the worldly, non-church environment around them. But in fact, this should not be the motive for getting married. People must get to know and love each other. Or to love and get to know, and to love even more. When this happens, then, as a rule, a good beginning is not followed by a bad end. Otherwise, people belatedly notice that they remain strangers to each other. What attracted them to each other was not their own qualities, not their individuality. The fact that a person is Orthodox, pious, goes to monasteries, sings in a church choir is not a basis for marriage. You cannot take any Orthodox man and any Orthodox woman, marry them and think that since they are both Orthodox, something good must certainly come out of it. For something good to happen, a person’s personal choice is required, love is required - for this particular person, and not for another. Now Orthodox marriage agencies have appeared on the Internet - I’m not joking, it’s true. Based on this criterion, future husbands and wives are selected... Meanwhile, much happier are often not mutually Orthodox marriages, but those where the non-churched side respects and protects the feelings of the churched side, and that, in turn, does not try to impose anything on its not yet arrived to the Orthodoxy half. Over time, such a marriage can become, in the full sense of the word, church. But the main condition for this is love.

“It also happens that a person simply comes up with the ideal of an Orthodox family, writes everything out in advance, but the reality turns out to be completely different, and the one next to him doesn’t want to live according to these notes...

— I believe that in fact, for a believer, following some forms and patterns is not typical at all. A person who believes in a living God understands that life is also alive and that he has no right to demand from other people that they, like some kind of mass, fill the form he created, and freeze, and live in this form. This simply cannot happen. In fact, the person who tries to take on a given form is always an actor. Because the saints were not such “casts”. The saints were living, spontaneous people, and very different. You need to know one thing: the grace of God, of course, transforms and changes a person, but his individual qualities remain the same. Here was a man with a quick temper, something of his hot temper will remain in him. Was impetuous - impetuousness persists. Transformation does not mean reformatting the personality. Transformation is something completely different. This is the sanctification of the good that a person already has, this is a change in a person for the better. But all the individual psychological traits that a person had, they will be preserved in one form or another. The Apostle Paul was an ardent, zealous persecutor of Christians, and then he became equally ardent and zealous in preaching Christians. And none of the apostles, mind you, corresponded to any form. Each of them was unique and inimitable. Perhaps the most important thing about a person is his uniqueness. Because uniqueness is personality. And Christianity requires a personal relationship between man and God. When a person understands that Christianity is his personal relationship with God, he builds relationships with people in the same way. Not with some demanded ideal, but with a specific person whom he loves. If you love a real person, what other ideals do you need? There is a living person next to you. You love him for who he is. And you try to change for the better - so that he doesn’t love you in vain.

And inflated demands on one’s neighbor are always a result of selfishness. And from him there is such a faith - not living, but formal. Formal faith pushes a person towards pharisaism: do this and you will be saved. But it is quite possible that you will not be saved, despite the fact that you do exactly that. Because the point is not what you do, but what happens in you as a result of your actions.

— Does it happen that a person comes to you, deeply wounded, hit by a divorce, a person for whom this has become a tragedy and who does not know how to live on now? What will you tell him?

— Divorce is a tragedy for any responsible person, and even more so for a believer, an Orthodox person who understands what marriage is. How to live? With the understanding that God’s Providence is above you; that even the most thoughtless, the most wrong, even, as it seems, fatal actions of yours, if you do not deviate from God, if you really seek salvation, can become for you something that builds you up and not destroys you. And this is very important to understand. And ask yourself the question: why was this sorrow sent to me? Sometimes this happens so that a person humbles himself and does not think about himself; in order to begin to treat myself easier. Sometimes - simply because the person had no experience; although at a high price, he acquired it, and if God gives this man a second family life, he will not repeat his mistakes. After all, divorce is most often the result of mistakes. What should a believer do if something happened due to his mistake? He must come to terms with this and say: “No one is to blame for this but me, Lord, have mercy on me and, if You please, arrange my future life.” And despair and despondency in this case, as in any other, only come from cowardice and pride.

- What is observed more often - self-reproach or blaming the ex-spouse for everything?

“Sometimes a person is so thoughtless about marriage that he doesn’t even ask the question about the reason for the divorce. “Why did you and your wife divorce?” - "Don't know". - “But it didn’t happen suddenly, there were some prerequisites.” - "Did not have". - “How did you live?” - "Fine. Well, I drank sometimes. Well, I smoked weed sometimes. Well, there were times that I cheated, but she didn't know. And so all is well". I have just presented a situation that seems absurd, but it is quite real and vital. It is clear that not everyone smokes weed, not everyone cheats. But people very often find themselves unable to comprehend their guilt. And in general, it’s rare that a person blames himself for a divorce. And if he blames, then this self-blame often takes on the character of self-destruction, which is completely unproductive. A healthy and Christian attitude towards one’s own guilt - yes, it’s my mistake, my fault, I understand that, but what can I do, I’ll bear it and move on with my life - it’s not very common. More often, there is either complete lack of understanding, or blaming other people - the ex-spouse, his (her) relatives, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, etc. Or, finally, seeing the reason in some spontaneous processes: “It just so happened that it didn’t work out.”

We probably need to talk about one huge problem here: people have lost their idea of ​​Christianity, they don’t know what it really is. I’m talking now about everyone - about church people, non-church people, about us in general. We began to reshape Christianity in our own way, to modify it so that it sometimes changes beyond recognition.

People have lost not only the idea of ​​Christianity, but also the elementary culture of living with each other, a culture that assumes something self-evident: two people meet, they must say hello, when they part, they must say goodbye. What parents teach young children: you see someone you know, say “Hello” to him; someone gave you something, say “Thank you”; when you ask, say “Please”, these, as we were all told in childhood, are magic words. And now there are practically no magic words and actions left. Magic actions: when meeting a person, find out his name and who he is. If you are planning to marry or marry this person, get to know him first. Understand yourself and your feelings. Understand the feelings of this person. Take the time to do this. Not a month, not two - I personally am sure that a sufficient time for this is from a year to three. Three years is the period that Father John (Krestyankin) called: this period corresponds to the period of novitiate in the monastery, that is, this is the time that precedes monastic tonsure. It’s scary for me to talk about three years, but a year is the minimum for getting to know each other. Yes, you can argue, but seeing how many of these arguers get divorced, I want to say: well, wait a little bit, you are not buying a cow, not selling a car, this is a decision for life. But this is difficult for a person who is used to this: I want everything at once and right now.

“I remembered the correspondence of St. Ignatius Brianchaninov with his father, who wanted his son to get married and live “like everyone else,” and the son answered him: “It always seemed to me, and even more so now marriage seems like a heavy burden, unbearable: I was afraid of it and did not understand , and now I don’t understand how people can decide to do this..."

— I visited Father John (Krestyankin) for the only time in my life. I was not yet a monk and came to him in ordinary secular clothes. Despite this, he asked me: “Are you a monk or not yet a monk?” And he asked some other questions. I answered, barely overcoming my confusion. It was surprising to me myself, I’m a journalist, I’m used to freely communicating with a variety of people, but here I just seemed to have disappeared somewhere... And suddenly Father John says to me: “I want to tell you about one thing. Do not take upon yourself a cross heavier than the cross of monastic life: the cross of married life.” I remember these words very well. They are even more surprising if you consider that Father John (Krestyankin) was a family priest; he was later widowed and took monastic vows. We usually think that feat and cross are the life of a monk, but Father John said so simply and clearly that family life can be much more difficult by feat and cross. Why? Because this is the measure of responsibility - a friend for a friend, for children. Are there many people who even guess about this?..

“And both will become one flesh.” Part 1

Men and women... So opposite to each other and so in need of each other, united by God into a single whole - into a family. Priest Pavel Gumerov continues to reflect on the destiny of men and women, on how to find harmony in their relationships, and maintain peace and harmony in the family.

And God created man and woman

And both will become one flesh Matt. 19:5

God created them male and female. Mark. 10:6

We are all very different.
Everyone has their own genetics, character, upbringing, education. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for us to find a common language and come to an agreement. But people are still divided into men and women. The difference between them is simply huge. Sometimes it seems that these are creatures from different worlds. Man and woman are mirror opposites of each other. But we live on the same planet, and the continuation of life on Earth depends on the interaction of the male and female sexes. This means that we simply need to learn to understand each other. Why did God create male and female? What does a woman expect from a man and a man from a woman? How can we come to mutual understanding and love? I try to find answers to these and other questions in my articles.

It often happens that a person who approaches a priest with a request to help him understand a difficult family situation does not perceive well what they answer. He stands, listens, but somehow with half an ear, as if it’s not about him. This happens because people do not want to see what their fault is and how to correct the situation, starting with themselves. But when the same person reads a description of a similar case, he joyfully exclaims: “It’s just written about me!” The printed word sometimes works better than a long conversation, as it allows you to look at yourself from the outside.

I would like to say a few words about psychology. Among pious Orthodox Christians, the attitude towards psychology is, to put it mildly, wary. And this is largely true. Taking advantage of the fact that people are now spiritually disoriented, psychoanalysts, especially in the West, have usurped the functions of confessors. People have a need to speak out, to remove a burden from their souls and want to get advice. But they often go not to church, but to a psychoanalyst. But no psychologist has the power to bind and solve human sins. A person will never completely solve his spiritual problems if he does not turn to God. It’s good if the psychologist is a believer and can direct a person to church. Today, bookstores are replete with books on psychoanalysis and self-knowledge. But psychology is different. In addition to the works of Sigmund Freud, in addition to manuals on astrological and occult psychology, in addition to books on how to love yourself and learn to manipulate people, there are also quite normal books. They are based on a good knowledge of human behavior, psychotherapy, and psychiatry. However, these books also need to be read with great consideration. Although psychology has accumulated considerable experience that can be used “for peaceful purposes.” Even many priests could use some psychological knowledge. A lot of disciplines are taught at the seminary, a large amount of knowledge is given, but psychology and pedagogy are studied very little.

Secular psychologists make one big mistake. They completely discount the concepts of spirit, soul, passion, sin. It’s as if they don’t exist for them. They explain the processes occurring in the human soul only from a psychophysiological point of view, describe details (sometimes very skillfully), but do not see the whole picture. They seem to wander around a dark room, stumble upon objects, feel them and say: “This is a chair, here is a table.” But they are not allowed to see the whole room. Therefore, it would be very good to combine those valuable developments that undoubtedly exist in psychology with the experience of the Church. After all, everything has long been said in the Holy Scriptures and the works of the Holy Fathers, how we should live, how to overcome sin within ourselves and love our neighbor, how to find happiness in the family.

***

Before we start talking about how to find family happiness and avoid conflicts in the family, it is necessary to at least briefly talk about how we differ from each other. What are the features of the male and female psyche and what is the purpose of a man and a woman? Man and woman. Two completely different creatures. It's no secret that people, although they are similar in appearance - there are arms, legs, a head - are strikingly different from each other based on gender. And the point here is not even in the structure of the body, not in physiology, but in the fact that men and women think and feel completely differently. A huge number of works have been written on the topic of male and female psychology. There are many theories trying to explain the behavior and thinking of men and women. Among them there are many completely absurd ones, either saying that sexual differences were necessary as the engine of evolution, or comparing men and women with males and females. Moreover, male infidelities and promiscuity in them are explained by the desire of the male to impregnate as many females as possible. And in these constructions, women are assigned the unenviable role of a meat and dairy farm for the production of offspring. Well, whoever is in pain talks about it. The main mistake is that researchers of this problem consider man only a higher animal, albeit a very complex and intelligent one, but still a beast. Man, unlike animals, has a mind, an immortal soul and a completely different calling.

What is the true purpose of the male and female sex, and what do men and women want from each other?

The answer to this question was given a long time ago, even before the birth of all human civilizations. Let's open the greatest book ever written - the Bible.

It is known that God created the first man Adam, and then Eve. “And the Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone; let us make him a helper suitable for him... And the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and when he fell asleep, he took one of his ribs and covered that place with flesh... And the man said: “Behold, this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called woman, for she was taken from her husband.” (Gen. 2: 18, 21, 23). There are many interpretations of this place, according to one of which the word “rib” is translated as an edge, a side of male nature; and it was from this that woman was created. But all this is not so important, what is important is that woman was not created as an independent being, but was taken from her husband. The following is said about the wife: “And your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). Let us accept this as an axiom, for everything that is said in the Bible about the relationship between a man and a woman is the truth, verified by the many thousand years of human history. What does this have to do with the mystery of the behavior of men and women? The most direct.

These words of Scripture help answer a very important question: “What does a woman want from a man and what does a man, in turn, want from a woman?” We have already said that the way of thinking and behavior of creatures of different sexes have very little in common with each other. I think everyone knows the expression “female logic”. This phrase was, of course, invented by men, and this happened because they could not understand that men and women in the same situation think and behave completely differently. And this is a very big problem. A man, trying to understand a woman, tries to take her place, but he fails, because he is... a man, not a woman. As a result, he declares that women's thinking is irrational, illogical and that a woman is, in principle, incapable of normal thinking. The same thing happens when a woman tries to understand men. Everyone looks from their own bell tower. All this is very disturbing, especially in marriage. So, let's try to penetrate this mystery. I would like to warn you right away that we will not be talking about specific representatives of the male and female sex, because this world is very diverse, but about the general laws of nature, which are inherent by nature in the psyche of men and women. God’s words addressed to Eve: “...your desire is for your husband,” express the essence of female behavior towards a man. In a woman's nature there is initially, genetically, love and attraction to her husband and dependence on him. I dare say more: a man is not capable of loving the way a woman loves. And second: a woman’s calling is to be a mother. “A woman... is saved through bearing children,” the Holy Scripture tells us (1 Tim. 2: 14–15). And these two desires: to be a mother and the desire for a man as a strong, strong being who can give her protection, support and support, are inherent in the nature of every woman. And this desire lies not so much in the consciousness as in the subconscious of the female soul. Even if a woman does not want to have children at all, even if she has devoted her whole life to the struggle for the ideals of feminism, equality and equality of women with men, you cannot trample against nature, as they say. I'll try to explain.

Emancipation – victory or defeat?

It is absolutely known: when a woman begins to fight for equality with men, this means that she is not doing well in her personal life. This whole struggle is a powerless protest against an unfulfilled fate and a secret desire for simple female happiness.

One day, Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov was invited by the famous public figure Ekaterina Lakhova to speak to women in the State Duma. One and a half thousand women parliamentarians and government representatives from all over Russia gathered in the Duma hall. This is what Father Dimitri said: “I saw from their hairstyles, from their figures, from their appearance that they were all very strong women in character. And Ekaterina Filippovna herself, according to the Russian expression, is a battle-woman, not just a horse, but she will “stop an elephant in its tracks.” While they were performing, I kept thinking, what could I say to them? And then it dawned on me! I addressed them with these words: “Dear women! All of you here spoke for equality with men, talked about politics, about emancipation. But imagine for a second that in a week you will meet a man - a real knight who is physically, mentally and in all qualities stronger, more noble than you. And he will say: “I love you, drop everything and follow me.” And I’m sure any of you will go.” A groan echoed throughout the hall. And then it flashed: “Yes!!!” And then Father Dimitri said: “You see: yes! And that's okay, that's right. You entered politics according to your qualities. But this also happened because your personal life did not work out. You are either single, divorced, or your husband is not a match for you. This explains everything.”

The basis, the root of the emancipation and feminist movement is not the struggle against men in general, but a sort of subconscious protest against male insolvency and weakness. In ancient times, a man simply could not afford to be weak (although there were, of course, exceptions). Life was like this: hunting, wars, difficult living conditions. He earned bread by the sweat of his brow and then guarded it with weapons in his hands. Men and women remembered their purpose. With the destruction of the traditional foundations of society, with the decline of faith and morality, people began to forget about this. The bloody French Revolution took place in the 18th century. It was then that women's emancipation was born. Of course, both women and men had a hand in this. Men - with their weakness and connivance. Women - with their pride and stupidity. But the female sex itself suffered the most from this. But what they fought for, as they say, is what they ran into. General emancipation gave rise to the cult of the “strong woman,” a kind of “Amazon,” and this led to the fact that there were very few real strong men left. The male gender was crushed. After all, being strong next to an independent and strong-willed woman is very difficult: the bar is very high.

Emancipation gave rise to another evil - infantilism. Many males liked to depend on a woman for everything, first on their mother, then on their wife. Their ideal was the “femme fatale” - emancipated, strong, dominant. This type of woman commands respect from them. But if an “infantile” marries such an “emancipe,” there will be no happiness in such a marriage. The wife very soon begins to be annoyed by her husband’s weak character, she wants completely different behavior from him, she is disappointed, begins to get irritated, “to fight” with her husband, and he takes all this exactly the opposite: not as a disappointment in his masculinity, but as a manifestation of strength and the decisiveness of her character. Of course, such behavior is unworthy of a man and borders on perversion, but, unfortunately, this model of behavior is not uncommon in our time. This is what a woman has done in her quest to be “manly”! Emancipation is not an elevation, but a humiliation of a woman, for it is a denial of her essence, her beautiful and great destiny to be the keeper of peace and love in the family and the vessel in which a new life is born.

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Each gender has its own functions, unique to it. And the Lord arranged it so that not only the physical nature, but also the psyche, the soul of each gender responded and served its purpose. A woman can wear men's clothes, do men's work (maybe even quite well), but she will never be able to think like a man, feel like a man. A woman's soul cannot become a man's. Yes, women have always been dependent on men. This has been the case at all times, among all peoples. The theory that matriarchy existed somewhere in some society is nothing more than a historical tale. There is no serious evidence of this. But a man never experiences the joys that are given to a woman: motherhood, the ability to love and feel. That's why he's a man.

Strong woman - weak man

Let's consider a situation that, I think, is very familiar to many: a wife with a strong-willed character, a kind of “general” in a skirt, commands her husband. At the same time, she develops vigorous activity, fussing, trying to drag everyone at home into this bustle. She has a very low opinion of her husband - as a weak-willed, weak person who cannot make any decision. She constantly nags him for this, although when she got married, this state of affairs suited her. In this situation, the husband is usually guided by the principle: “Sail, my boat, according to the will of the waves.” They say that nothing can be fixed, and therefore we must live with minimal losses. He doesn’t want to change, but from his wife’s attacks he hides in the company of friends, throws himself into work or spends time watching TV and the computer. And it seems like he has no choice but to fight with his grumpy wife. The example is, so to speak, classic. Let's ask ourselves: is the wife happy with this situation? Outwardly, she may seem happy. Her power ambitions are satisfied. But most often, the wife swears and gets angry with her husband precisely because she is not at all happy with this position (which, however, she herself chose). And this is why she loses her temper. She is already tired of being a commander and pulling the family cart; she wants something completely different - support, care, attention from her husband. All these desires are inherent in the nature of any woman.

Every person, including women, has, as it were, two layers, two levels in the psyche: consciousness and subconsciousness. The role, the game that a woman plays (perhaps all her life) has little in common with what she really wants. So, due to her character and many other circumstances, she consciously wants to take care of and command her husband, to be his “mother,” but subconsciously, according to female instinct, she wants to be weak and defenseless herself, she wants to trust someone, rely on someone . A woman, no matter what role she takes on, is always a woman. As they say in one famous film, “after all, I’m just a woman, and then I’m Yaga.”

If a strong woman had married a real man, that is, her life would have taken place in different circumstances, everything could have been different. In order not to be unfounded, I will give one example. I knew a girl who had a very obstinate character. In addition, she was a big fan of arguing. To be honest, I thought that if my friend got married, she would have serious problems. She also got married after long disputes with relatives who did not really want this marriage. Thank God, her husband turned out to be a strong, independent and responsible man. A few years later I simply did not recognize her: she became a loving, obedient wife and caring mother.

The fact is that women, unlike men, are much more mobile and can get used to and adapt to changing living conditions. The fact that a woman is oppressed and changed can break a man. This quality is inherent in her, again, from God.

In all centuries and times, women depended on men; they simply needed to change and adapt to the will of their rulers. In addition, the lives of men were always at great risk: he protected his wife, family, often at the cost of his life; fought with wild animals on the hunt. Wives very often remained widows. And the woman had to raise children, feed them, getting used to new conditions, overcoming difficulties. After the Great Patriotic War, when less than half of the men returned from the front, it was women who had to raise their families and rebuild the destroyed country. A woman cannot choose her husband. She says either “yes” or “no” to anyone who asks for her hand in marriage. It has always been this way. If a woman were less flexible and resilient, she simply would not survive among men. A common situation: a man loses his job and starts drinking and becomes depressed. In this case, the woman finds a new one, retrains, works two jobs at once, but rarely loses heart. A woman is a mother, she thinks about children, about family, lives and survives for them, overcoming all difficulties. Therefore, a woman has a greater ability to adapt; she is ready to get used to new conditions, and not break or change them at any cost. Therefore, you can change a woman only by changing the conditions and changing yourself. A woman is not a conqueror, she only equips and cultivates what has been conquered by men.

But let's return to our “generals”. Of course, the situation is abnormal, because the woman takes on a role that is not typical for her. Psychologists say that a woman’s directiveness and authority is a sign of her dissatisfaction with the life she leads. No matter what such women say, they want to see in a man a strong person who is able to take the situation into his own hands and even sometimes say “no!” However, it is important not to overdo it here, because the main thing a woman needs is the caring protection of a man whom she can trust. My advice to my husband in such a situation: “Be a man, she’s waiting for it!” But the main problem here, alas! not in the wife, but, as a rule, in the husband. Such husbands most often do not want to change anything. There are many reasons for this. First: change is hard, especially for a weak man; being strong is much harder for him than being henpecked. Very often, men choose such wives for themselves, since his mother has exactly the same commanding character. The grown-up “boy” seemed to have found himself a second mother. After all, since childhood he was accustomed to the fact that in kindergarten, at school, and at home he was led by women, and he does not want to change anything. Yes, there will be no peace and tranquility in such a marriage, because one of the parties is not satisfied with this situation.

To be fair, it must be said that if the wife wants to change the situation, then her behavior must also change, but we will talk more about this a little later.

Fortunately, there are not hopeless situations when both the husband and wife are tired of this situation in their family and they finally understand what they want from each other. Then God help them.

Generals and generals

Father Dimitry Smirnov, having talked a lot with military people, noticed an interesting thing: generals, strict military leaders, who in the service can bark so loudly that the whole system will tremble, at home they allow their wives to command, lead, and look after them. Husbands love it. In the service, they are so tired of giving instructions and orders that in the family they want someone to decide something for them, to do something. At the same time, peace and harmony reign in the family: this situation completely suits both parties. Generals already know that they are real men, and wives are sure that when necessary, they can always rely on their faithful ones, because they are obedient only in small things, and when necessary, they will take the initiative into their own hands and make the right decision. I observed the same picture in the families of some venerable archpriests and rectors of churches.

If a man is strong, he doesn’t have to prove it with foam at the mouth, he’d rather prove it with action.

In general, the wives of military men and priests are a separate issue. They can only be compared with the wives of the Decembrists. After all, not every wife will wander with her husband all over the country, without permanent housing, living in garrisons, military camps, on a meager salary. Or help your spouse restore a destroyed church in a remote village in some distant diocese.

(To be continued.)

Limit interference

— Father Vladimir, in Russian folk tradition there are a lot of jokes associated with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law. And these jokes are sometimes quite bitter. We have to admit that when we get married, our mothers, for all their good intentions, sometimes have a destructive effect on our family. How should our dear parents behave so as not to harm us in marriage?

“The Bible says: let the husband separate from his mother and cleave to his wife.” Since we are talking about Christian family building, everything here should be very simple: the husband left his parents and clung to his wife. In the same way, a wife must cleave to her husband, become part of him, half of him.

As soon as the family was created, the ship went to sea. This is an independent unit. And what's the problem? The fact that not everyone immediately perceives it as such is well known from family psychology. As a rule, for at least three years, neither the wife's parents nor the husband's parents perceive them as a family. For them, he is still their Kolya, their Masha. And some Sasha stuck to her, and to Kolya - “that fool Lena”, who “ruins his life”...

A lot of different personalities are superimposed on this scheme. For example, the wife's mother may be overly active, and the husband's father may be too domineering. There are many options, but in each of them the task of both the husband and wife in a young family is to protect their own family, their ship that has just set out to sea from those ropes that parents are trying to throw on board in order to moor it.

— How to protect? You can't throw your parents overboard. And we love them, as a rule...

— Limit their interference. I’m not going to tell you all the ins and outs of my personal family experience, but I assure you - we are an ordinary family, we have nothing ideal. All the problems that everyone had, we experienced and went through on our own skin.

A husband must protect not only his wife, but his own family from his parents. When mom starts to pick on her brains - yes, she is like this, she is like that - wisdom is simply needed here. On the one hand, you need not to offend your own mother, on the other hand, you need to bury everything that she poured out on you. You don’t need to be a repeater, you need to be such a good “swamp” in which everything drowns. Because it will be extremely difficult for your own spouse to perceive criticism addressed to you, relayed by you.

Husband and wife are one. There should be no one closer and dearer. And if a husband begins to express to his wife a claim that his mother expresses to him, this is extremely offensive for the wife. She feels that she is losing protection, losing in him the one who, in principle, should protect her. The same is true vice versa. Therefore, this is the primary task of young people - to protect their family from outside influences.

Moreover, I will say that when we marry people, we always warn them that in family relationships there is such a law: as soon as you become husband and wife, you should not tell anyone anything at all about your family relationships. So mom asks: how’s it going? “Everything is fine mom, everything is fine...”

— But mom won’t give up so easily. She’s interested, she’ll start asking further questions.

- And you continue to lull her into lull - “everything is fine, mom, don’t worry...” All of this needs to be blocked. You cannot allow anyone to get involved in your relationship, even under a plausible pretext - this is the law. If your parents, as well as numerous relatives, get used to this at the first stage, then they will stop bothering you altogether.

— It’s probably hard for moms to get used to it right away. It is difficult to part with a child. It may begin to seem that your own son, whom you raised for twenty years, is moving away from you. Or maybe he’s already fallen out of love altogether “because of this stupid Lena”...

“There should be no rivalry here, no selfish attachment.” You need to be able to let go of your son or daughter. So what if I raised you for twenty years? Now I've already grown it. Don't keep it to yourself all your life.

As for good relationships, if they were between mother and son or mother and daughter, if they were truly close people, then they will remain so even at a distance.

In general, the most reliable remedy against all problems is to resettle the young, as has always been the case. In Rus', young people were always resettled; they always immediately had their own housing. What was it like in Russian villages? They are preparing for the wedding - they are building a house for the newlyweds. Or, at the very least, some kind of outbuilding is added, or at worst, a separate room is allocated. Just a separate one that they wouldn’t go into.

You understand what separate living means for a young family. Therefore, if you don’t have your own separate housing, but there is the slightest opportunity to rent a house, this is very important in the first stages of family life. And if this does not work out, then greater wisdom is simply needed here. It must be taken into account that living together will bring more difficulties into a joint relationship.