Another example of such friendship in the Old Testament is in the book of Ruth. It describes the friendship - the unity of souls - between two women: daughter-in-law Ruth and mother-in-law Naomi. With the death of her son, Naomi wanted to let Ruth go home, but Ruth was devoted to her: “...where you go, there I will go, and where you live, there I will live; Let your people be my people and your God my God, and where you die, there I will die and be buried... death alone will separate me from you” (Ruth. 1:16-17). Ruth shows the perfection of her love for Naomi by the fact that she is ready to give her her whole life, her whole soul, and promises, with the conviction of her heart, to always be one with her in everything, until death do us part.
Undoubtedly, such friendship has its source in God. The Holy Fathers write that only God unites hearts in such a way that they become capable of loving another as themselves.
The books of the Old Testament say quite a lot about the high importance of friendship: “A friend is sweet to every one with his heartfelt advice” (Proverbs 27:9). “A faithful friend is a strong defense; whoever found it found a treasure. A faithful friend has no price, and there is no measure of his kindness” (Sir. 6, 14-15). “A friend loves at all times and becomes a brother in time of trouble” (Prov. 17:17).
The wise King Solomon writes that friendship is, first of all, the sincerity of souls: sincere reproaches from a lover are better than false kisses from a hater (cf. Proverbs 27:6). Thus, the basis of friendship is not so much in amicable treatment, but in sincerity between loving souls. Friends educate and instruct each other, a true friend is our embodied conscience, in which everything good in our thoughts, intentions and actions, as well as everything bad, is reflected and clearly seen.
It was not in vain that the wise Sirach said: “A faithful friend is medicine for life, and those who fear the Lord will find him” (Sir. 6:16). King Solomon also spoke about this: “Iron sharpens iron, and a man sharpens the glance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17), “As in water face to face, so the heart of a man comes to man” (Proverbs 27:19) .
We find another example of true human friendship in the book of Job. Job’s three faithful friends, hearing about the misfortunes that befell him, came to console him in his grief: “And, lifting up their eyes from afar, they did not recognize him; and they lifted up their voices and wept; And every man tore his outer garment, and threw the dust over their heads toward heaven” (Job 2:11). According to St. Maximus the Confessor: “a faithful friend considers his friend’s misfortunes to be his own and endures them with him...”[99].
Job’s friends could not find words to console their friend: “... and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job 1:13). comments on this passage of Holy Scripture as follows: “A soul suddenly struck by grief is completely incapable of listening... They came with the goal of comforting; but, not finding a way to accomplish this, they fell silent; and they did this wisely, comforting him with their actions - their presence, tearing his clothes. All these are good testimonies of sympathy worthy of friends.”[100]
The concept of friendship is universal in nature. People of all times and nations consider friendship to be the greatest social and moral value. “Both Christians, Jews, and pagans praised friendship in its utilitarian, educational and everyday aspects”[101]. This is how the Holy Scripture of the Old Testament speaks about it: “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor: for if one falls, the other will raise up his companion. But woe to one when he falls, and there is no other to lift him up” (Eccl. 4:9-10). At all times, the following were considered integral features of true friendship: fidelity (Prov. 17:17; Proverbs 27:6), love and support (Prov. 18:24; Eccl. 4:10; Acts 24:23), consolation in grief (Job 2:11; John 11:33-36), edification (3 John 5; Jude 17:20-21). But, above all, friendship presupposes loyalty: “Do not forsake your friend” (Proverbs 27:10). “Do not leave an old friend, for a new one cannot compare with him: a new friend is like new wine; when it becomes old, you will drink it with pleasure” (Sir. 9:12-13). “Do not forget the friend in your soul, and do not forget him in your name” (Sir. 37:6).
Most often, human friendship consists in bearing the infirmities of one’s friend, in active love for him, providing help, support: “before you die, do good to your friend, and according to your strength, stretch out your hand and give to him. Do not deprive yourself of a good day, and let no part of a good desire pass you by” (Sir. 14:13-14).
Sincerity in a relationship with a friend directly depends on trusting him. A friend is a person to whom you can reveal all the secrets of your heart, trusting this person as yourself. But here the theme of betrayal is inevitable: “The man who was at peace with me, in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, lifted up his heel against me” (Ps. 40:10). Old Testament wisdom tells us that “reproach, pride, revealing secrets and deceitful villainy can drive away every friend” (Sir 22:25). The Old Testament did not know the gospel forgiveness “until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). Therefore, the son of Sirach says: “... if you reveal his secrets, do not pursue him anymore. For as a man kills his friend, so you have killed the friendship of your neighbor. And just as you would let a bird out of your hands, so you have missed your friend, and you will not catch him. Do not chase after him, for he has gone far and escaped like a chamois from a net. The wound can be bandaged, and after a quarrel reconciliation is possible. But whoever revealed the secrets has lost hope of reconciliation” (Sir. 28:16-22).
Friendship has important moral significance. The one we call a friend has a huge influence on our soul, for “... as he is, so is his friend made” (Sir 6:16). King Solomon warns against the dangers of bad friendship: “Do not be friends with an angry person and do not associate with a hot-tempered person, lest you learn his ways and bring snares on your soul” (Proverbs 22:24-25). And in the Third Book of Kings we see how the young king Rehoboam makes a big mistake, listening to the advice of his friends, and rejecting the wise advice of the elders (1 Kings 12, 8-14). writes on this occasion: “Just as bodies often perish from the infection of tainted air, so the soul often suffers harm from communicating with wicked people... That is why the prophet says: “I have not sat in vain assembly, and I will not go in with those who break the law” (Ps. 25, 4). And Jeremiah pleases the one who “sits alone and is silent” (Pl. Jer. 3:28). Also in Proverbs, a lot is said about this and convincingly instills in everyone that one must not only evade, but also run from people who advise evil, and not communicate with them... Therefore, let us not consider communication with harmful people to be an unimportant harm, but above all else, let us become Avoid such people, even if they are friends. It destroyed great men such as Solomon and Sampson, it corrupted the entire people of Judah”[102].
Consequently, there are deceptive friendships that do not create, but destroy human souls. The Old Testament teaches us to be sober in choosing a friend (Sir 6.5-13; 12.8-13.23; 37.1-5), and sometimes even to show some distrust: “Each one beware of his friend and do not trust any of his brothers; for every brother causes another to stumble, and every friend spreads slander” (Jer. 9:4). Of course, here the prophet Jeremiah is talking about people of his time, but even in our time, true friends are a rarity that should be treasured.
In general, the examples of friendship in the Old Testament foreshadow the true Christian friendship found in the New Testament. And the wise sayings about friendship of the Old Testament sages were and will be relevant and edifying at all times.
According to the Bible, friendship has 5 components: sacrifice, trust, love and responsiveness, support
Friends are very close to us. This allows you to share your experiences, something personal, and discuss questions that you wouldn’t ask a stranger. Orthodox friendship and communication are based on a biblical foundation, for the Holy Scriptures provide useful teachings on how people should communicate with each other.
The first thing the Bible says about friendship is that it definitely has divine characteristics. The Lord speaks to Moses the way people speak to friends:
“And the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as one speaks to his friend.”
(Exodus 33:11)
On this icon, the apostles Peter and Paul were depicted in an embrace in order to emphasize their friendship. Photo: i.pinimg.com
Moreover, the reader of the Bible is not simply presented with the fact of the existence of friendship as a phenomenon. We are given a clear understanding of how this relationship begins and what it is like:
“When [David] finished speaking with Saul, Jonathan’s soul clung to his soul, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”
(1 Samuel 18:1)
The Bible shows a lot about friendship and friends through the example of the relationship between David and Jonathan. What is there in friendship?
Sacrifice:
“And Jonathan took off his robe that he had on, and gave it to David, and also his other garments, and his sword, and his bow, and his girdle.”
(1 Samuel 18:4)
Confidence:
“David fled from Nabath in Ramah and came and said to Jonathan: What have I done, what is my iniquity, how have I sinned against your father, that he seeks my life?”
(1 Samuel 20:1)
(painting “David’s Farewell to Jonathan”, Rembrandt Garmens van Rijn, 1642). Photo: artmight.com
Responsiveness:
“And Jonathan said to David, “Whatever your soul desires, I will do for you.”
(1 Samuel 20:4)
Love:
“And again Jonathan swore to David his love for him, for he loved him as his own soul.”
(1 Samuel 20:17)
And this love is unconditional:
"A friend loves at all times"
(Proverbs of Solomon 17:17)
“A friend loves at all times and, like a brother, will appear in times of misfortune.”
(Proverbs 17:17)
Support:
“And Jonathan the son of Saul arose and came to David into the forest, and strengthened him with his trust in God... And they made a covenant with each other before the Lord; and David remained in the forest, and Jonathan went to his house.”
(1 Samuel 23:16, 18)
3.1. Teachings of the Holy Fathers on choosing a friend.
The Holy Fathers and teachers of the Church warn against bad partnerships and approve of good ones. The essence of the patristic teaching on human friendship is this: let those who love the Lord be your friends. The Holy Fathers say: “Be friends only with those who are ready, together with you, to please the Lord Jesus by fulfilling His holy commandments.”[121] St. Maximus the Confessor contrasts friendship with friends of Christ with friendship with worldly people: “Friends of Christ maintain the union of love to the end, but worldly friends until they come into conflict with each other over something worldly.”[122] St. Neil of Sinai writes that “sweet is the friend who feeds the soul”[123].
Many Christian authors, especially monastics, teach that it is better to move away from human friendship: “Do not look for friends on earth, but have and make friends with the Lord and the saints, led by the Mother of God. If a friend happens to you, thank the Lord who gave him, but do not be comforted by him, but by the Lord, so that your feeling of loneliness does not disappear. And you will not be alone, but the Lord will be with you. Do not exchange the Lord for anyone, and do not divide your heart, but give it entirely to the Lord, and love your neighbor not independently, for the sake of his goodness, and not selfishly, for the sake of his consolation, but for the sake of the Lord, as His children, love in the light of God’s love, how we love Easter, pure and bright...” [124], writes Archbishop Varlaam (Ryashentsev).
“Friendship with the world is enmity against God” (James 4:4), which is why many saints left home and family - they left the world to find God: “Great love for God cannot stand the world, shuns society, seeks solitude. Such love inspired thousands of souls to turn away from the broad path of the world and go into the desert to be alone with their beloved Lord. To have a secret meeting with your Creator, Who is all love, both in name and in essence. What should the soul of a hermit be cleansed of? From all so-called physical and earthly love, from love for the flesh, family and friends... What should the soul be adorned with? “Only love for Christ,”[125] writes St. Nikolai Serbsky.
Thus, sometimes a Christian may not have a desire for friendship, as is the case with hermits and hermits: “Do not exchange heavenly joy with the Lord for jealous torment and annoyance with man. If you become a friend of the Lord, then, comforted by this, you yourself will begin to be burdened even by pure friendship, since everything of God is indescribably sweet, and everything human is painful and stinking,” [126] writes Archbishop Varlaam. Rev. Anatoly Optinsky also talks about this: “To be at peace, don’t look for anyone’s friendship! Sit in your cell, and it will teach you everything! Everything, that is, good”[127]. Thus, many reverend fathers teach that it is better not to make friends with anyone: to live “running away from relatives and friends”[128].
How so? Is friendship really impossible in Christianity? “But let us remember the examples of lay saints who lived in the middle of the world and had many friends. N. E. Pestov gives examples of such saints: “St. Righteous Juliana Lazarevskaya was the mother of thirteen children, and everyone in the area was her friends and cried at her death. Dr. Haaz, for the sake of the poor and prisoners, squandered all his fortune, selling his estate, factory, and horses. He also did not leave the world, lived in its midst and left the host of his friends - prisoners, the poor, the sick and the unfortunate, to whom he devoted himself. Let us remember with what tenderness even criminals and convicts treated him and remembered him. These are the ways in which, without leaving family and the world, a Christian can receive many sincere and faithful friends.”[129]
But in the lives of the reverend ascetic monks we also find examples of true human friendship: the Monks Zosima and Savvaty of Solovetsky, Saints Basil the Great and Gregory the Theologian and many others. It turns out that the reverend fathers teach not to make friends, but they themselves are friends? “But the fact of the matter is that their friendship is higher than passionate human affection. The saints cleansed their hearts of passions and learned to love with perfect love. They conquered their sensuality, or rather, transformed it with the help of asceticism. Christianity transforms the whole person, including his relationships with people. Pagan friendship in Christianity is filled with a different content - it becomes one of the manifestations of Christ’s love. Now friendship is a union of like-minded beings who support each other on the path of life through a joint feat.
Thus, what matters is how we view friendship and how it affects our soul. If friendship is an expression of perfect love for one's neighbor, then it can only contribute to our salvation. But if “friendship is entertainment, an almost unnecessary luxury”[130], then friends can become enemies for us, that is, people who bring us noticeable mental harm.
The Reverend Fathers warn Christians to make friends with unbelievers or heretics, because mental illness is just as contagious and dangerous for others as physical illness, especially for weak people who have not yet become spiritually strong. On saving yourself from the people of the world: the holy apostles instructed the first Christians to people of pagan views. Thus, the Apostle Paul in his Epistle to the Corinthians teaches: “Do not be deceived: bad associations corrupt good morals” (1 Cor. 15:33). St. Tikhon Zadonsky writes: “Do not become friendly with anyone until you find out whether the person you want to know is truly a good person and not a hypocrite, otherwise you will later repent and regret, but it will be too late. Many wolves walk in sheep's clothing: “By their fruits,” says the Lord, “you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16). However, do not despise anyone, do not disdain anyone, but love and honor everyone in a Christian way and do not condemn anyone”[131].
“Evil will change even a good mind. The one who touches the resin will be blackened, and the one who communicates with the proud will be like him (Sir. 13, 1), says Sirach.
St. John Chrysostom teaches us to seek friendship with virtuous people and avoid it with vicious people: “Usually it is not so much wild animals that cause harm as vicious people. Those clearly carry out their poisonous actions, while these insensitively and silently spread the infection every day, little by little weakening the power of virtue... Why, do you think, have the men living in the deserts become wondrous and glorious? Is it because they run away from the noise and marketplaces and settle away from the smoke rising among the troubles of everyday life? Imitate them too, trying to find a desert in the middle of the city. How is this possible? If you run away from vicious people, if you follow the virtuous. Thus, you will achieve greater security than those who live in deserts, not only in keeping away from harmful people, but also in communicating with useful ones.”[132].
Thus, the law of mutual influence applies equally to both good and evil. “He who deals with a wise man will be wise, but he who befriends a fool will become corrupt,” was said about four thousand years ago by Solomon, the wisest of men (Proverbs 13:20)”[133].
Therefore, if communication with our neighbor is detrimental to our souls, and we do not feel the strength to change anything, sometimes we should move away from such a friend. N. E. Pestov quotes the words of Elder Ardaliona (Ust-Medveditsky Monastery): “If anyone interferes with our path (spiritual improvement), we must renounce him, although he will be a unanimous friend.”[134] But the New Testament words immediately come to mind: “whoever wants to save his life will lose it” (Luke 9:24), “bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2), “you who are strong , bear the infirmities of the weak” (Rom. 15:1), etc. At the same time, the Wise Sirach writes: “Do not bring every person into your house” (Sir. 11:29). And the Apostle John the Theologian says: “Whoever comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into your home and do not welcome him. For he who welcomes him shares in his evil deeds” (2 John 10-11). And again: “Do not cast pearls before swine” (Matthew 7:6). Even the ancient philosopher Aristotle speaks of the need to move away from evil: “You should not be like the bad: it is said that like is in friendship with like.”[135] Abba Agathon of Egypt speaks about it this way: “If I see that my most beloved is dragging me into spiritual harm, then I will immediately reject him from myself, that is, I will stop acquaintance and intercourse with him.”[136] N. E. Pestov writes: “Therefore, we need to run from those of our loved ones who push us to violate God’s commandments, tempt us to sin, indulge our passions, weaken our faith, and interfere with a pious and abstinent life.”[137] Smch. Hilarion of the Trinity gave the following advice to Christians: “Let your friends and interlocutors be peaceful, meek, chaste and God-fearing people” [138]. After all, according to St. John Chrysostom, “just as being in agreement with the evil especially irritates God, so being in agreement with the good especially pleases Him”[139].
Friendship presupposes the greatest responsibility, first of all, responsibility for someone else's soul. Like love, it requires achievement, and if there is none, and the person’s soul is self-centered, then deep friendship can hardly take place. O. Sergius Bulgakov writes about this: “Friendship, like love, has its dangers and temptations and needs asceticism and heroism - no spiritual wealth is given for free”[140]. The Optina elder Macarius speaks about it this way: “Any friendship that is not based on true love and humility, and even more so (friendship) out of passion, is fragile and will be destroyed.”[141]
Thus, according to the teaching of the Holy Fathers, one should strive for friendship with godly people and in every possible way avert communication with evil people. And the psalmist David teaches us the same thing: “You will be honored with the holy man, and you will be innocent with the innocent man, and you will be chosen with the chosen, and you will be corrupt with the obstinate” (Ps. 17: 26-27). It’s not for nothing that one Russian proverb says: “The kind of friendship you make, the kind of life you will lead”[142]. It is also very important, according to the holy fathers, that friendship be based precisely on the love of God.
The Old Testament teaches that a friend is a special status with many obligations
But it’s not just the story of King David that tells Bible readers about friendship. Its properties are also revealed in subsequent texts. For example, from the book of the prophet Job we learn that friendship implies empathy:
“The sufferer should have pity from his friend”
(Book of Job 6:14)
Calling yourself a friend means agreeing to a special status that means more than family:
“Whoever wants to have friends must be friendly himself; and there is a friend who is more attached than a brother.”
(Proverbs of Solomon 18:24)
King Solomon. The book of Solomon's parables is attributed to him, where friendship is described in detail. Photo: acathist.ru
Friendship involves participation in the life of another person:
“Oil and smoking make the heart glad; so sweet to [everyone] his friend with his heartfelt advice"
(Proverbs of Solomon 27:9)
But not only advice will help, real actions are also important:
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor: for if one falls, another will lift up his companion.”
(Book of Ecclesiastes (4:9–10)
Even in situations where it is difficult to do something for a friend, you need to try:
“If, I tell you, he does not get up and give him because of his friendship with him, then because of his persistence, he will get up and give him as much as he asks.”
(Gospel of Luke 11: 
Friendship is also mutual assistance in development:
“Iron sharpens iron, and a man sharpens the sight of his friend.”
(Proverbs of Solomon 27:17)
Sometimes you even have to be rude, but at least sincere:
“The reproaches of a lover are sincere, and the kisses of a hater are deceitful.”
(Proverbs 27:6)
Friends are similar, they adopt each other's qualities. “Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are”:
“As in water face to face, so the heart of a man comes to man.”
(Proverbs of Solomon 27:19)
A little about distance and the Geneva Bible
Let's say we figured it out with ourselves. But what about a friend or girlfriend if the changes are on his or her part?
We can actually, without noticing it, provoke a friend of the opposite sex to fall in love. With what eyes he looks at us, we most often do not know. We can only guess. There are signals that together can serve as a hint to us. For example, a friend begins to play some role that is unusual for him, to embellish himself. Or he takes more initiative than usual to meet more often. Or you can increasingly hear compliments from him/her, or some jokes with a hint of a romantic relationship. Perhaps the person begins to look for reasons to touch you more often, and does this when it is appropriate and inappropriate. All this may mean that friendship has been mixed with relationships that are not typical for it.
What is the best thing to do in this case?
The question is really difficult. Because if you “cut to the quick,” that is, immediately break off the relationship, it will hurt everyone. Pretending that nothing is happening? Slowly, slowly, increase the distance in your relationship with a friend? In my opinion, if we call ourselves friends, then we must, as far as possible, remain so, that is, maintain equality and not decide for the other what will be best for both of you. Friendship is still trust and mutual responsibility between two people. The best thing to do is choose the moment and talk openly. Say: “Listen, what’s going on? Maybe it’s just me, but I notice that you behave somehow differently than usual towards me. Tell me straight, maybe I’m wrong.” It seems to me that openness and honesty, these most important properties of friendship, will help either restore friendly relations, or, sadly, dot all the i's. It may happen that after the conversation the previous relationship will no longer exist.
But there is no need to break off friendship forever! You can agree, for example, to communicate only in company for now, so that besides the two of you, someone else is present. Such attraction to a friend can be situational and pass over time. But it is quite possible that your relationship will never be the same: such losses, unfortunately, are part of our lives.
Is there a “safety precaution” to avoid getting into such a situation?
For example, it is to initially maintain some internal and external distance. Which one? This is decided by the person himself. Let's say, optimal for showing friendly feelings, but not seducing another and not being seduced yourself. If we started talking about distance, I noticed how the form of greeting teenagers, boys and girls has changed over the last 15-20 years. In my childhood and youth, I don’t remember that when they met, a boy and a girl kissed each other on the cheek. Now this is generally accepted.
There is a Protestant saying: the minimum distance between a girl and a boy should be equal to the thickness of the Geneva Bible... By the way, a very thick book! Aren't we in danger of going to extremes and becoming puritans?
No, physical contact exists in friendship, there is nothing wrong with that. But, in my opinion, it should be very careful, limited, or something. It is important to maintain internal sobriety. For example, holding hands - this gesture can be present in both romantic and friendly relationships. Nowadays the tradition of kissing ladies' hands has practically disappeared. It seems to me that this was a wonderful sign of respect and friendship, acceptance, nevertheless leaving a certain distance. I repeat, internal and external distance is necessary in friendship between a man and a woman if we want to keep it pure, without false expectations and experiences on one side or the other.
But I want to note that if there are no moral or other obstacles, then friendship can be a very good foundation for creating a family. It’s great when young people have the experience of perceiving each other not through the “rose-colored glasses” of falling in love, but precisely in friendship, that is, they recognize many of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
Photo howpinz/flickr
The Gospel of John says that God is a friend to man
Love and friendship are inextricably linked. We can say that friendship is a certain level of love, a variant of its manifestation. And the Gospel of John tells about its highest manifestation:
“Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
(Gospel of John 15:13)
Jesus Christ said that “greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends,” and died for humanity. Photo: muzei-mira.com
And who is capable of such sacrificial love? The best example is Jesus Christ. He makes sacrifices for and for people, whom He calls His friends:
“You are My friends if you do what I command you. I no longer call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have told you everything that I have heard from My Father.”
(Gospel of John 15: 14–15)
But, as we see, this friendship, unlike love, is not one-sided, unrequited. A person needs to make some effort to become a friend of God. one-sided.
This is not a new idea. We could read it in the book of Proverbs:
“Whoever wants to have friends must be friendly himself; and there is a friend who is more attached than a brother.”
(Proverbs 18:25)
Naturalness or masquerade?
Gleb Valerievich, in your opinion, is friendship between a man and a woman possible in principle?
If the question is posed so impersonally, “in principle,” then we can say: “Yes, it’s possible.” But friendship is a personal relationship between specific people. And, it seems to me, not every person is capable of it. I remember the words of Elder Paisius the Holy Mountain, who tried to treat any woman as a mother or sister. This is his ascetic experience. But not every person is ready to accept this experience.
The Gospel teaches us that man is three-part: he has body, soul and spirit. After the Fall, the harmony and subordination of these levels of human existence was lost. Therefore, today the content of his experiences in friendship depends on which of these components the aspirations of a person, his dreams, ideas, what his heart is directed to are primarily directed towards: rough, egoistic, carnal or more refined, spiritual, or his the experiences are predominantly spiritual in nature. As a rule, they are all mixed up in our soul, and to maintain friendship we need to treat this mixture very carefully and soberly.
So, the danger is that relationships can cross the border of friendship contrary to some moral duty or contrary to the wishes of one of the friends?
Yes. Let’s say, if I, as a man, value a woman as a friend, if I am already married, or have given my word to my fiancée about starting a family, then resisting the bodily attraction that has arisen in my soul for a friend of the opposite sex is a matter of my moral duty. It seems to me that this is a question of ordinary, human morality, and even more so of Christian duty.
Let's define the concepts: what is friendship and what is the romantic side or carnal attraction, how to distinguish between them?
Yes, let's try to draw a line. I perceive friendship as a special relationship in which the main thing is openness, trust, naturalness and equality of people.
In what sense is equality?
In the sense that in friendship there are no hierarchical relationships that are present, for example, between parents and children or (but of a different nature) between spouses. I don’t mean that hierarchy is an obstacle to good relationships, of course not. But there is no hierarchy in friendship.
Naturalness means that friends do not play any roles in front of each other, they do not need to pretend, to pretend to be someone in order to seem better. We know what our friend is like and accept him as he is. Moreover, it is a friend who can directly tell us about our shortcomings, and from this, oddly enough, friendship can only become stronger.
In addition, friendship has such a feature as respect for personal freedom. If a friend does not want to communicate with you now, he is not obliged to do so. But, of course, if you are in trouble, then a friend, on the contrary, by the very essence of friendly relations should support you.
If the listed signs are present, then this is friendship. And here, in general, it doesn’t matter who is friends - a man or a woman.
So. Where does friendship end and romance begin?
Romantic relationships are different. Firstly, in my opinion, their motive is precisely eros, the sphere of sensuality. And, accordingly, the goals are different: creating a family, developing close relationships. Secondly, there is a significant idealization of the other person. Unlike a friend, a lover tends to see the other through rose-colored glasses, not to notice any obvious aspects in his behavior and personality that are obvious to others. Thirdly, in a romantic relationship, a young man and a girl almost involuntarily put on masks and try to look their best. A man can - if he is brought up classically - play the role of a protector. The girl is the role of the recipient of courtship or a weak, even sophisticated, person, depending on how she presents herself. In general, there is a “theatricalization” of relations. This is their qualitative difference from friendship.
Finally, if a friend can freely tell the truth, even an impartial one, then in romantic relationships it is typical for people to emphasize the side of the other: agree with the other in almost everything, give compliments, emphasize the rightness of the one you like, show that you are his (her) friend. You definitely understand and support.
The Monk Abba Joseph wrote a whole sermon on friendship
The sermon about friendship is, of course, said figuratively. This is an excerpt from his writings, but it can be very useful for believers.
The monk believed that:
“Complete and perfect friendship can only exist between perfect men of equal virtue.”
Abba Joseph argued that friendship helps to learn virtue
Abba Joseph believed that friendship is the gradual joint steps of two people on the path of spiritual development:
“ The first foundation of true friendship is the disdain of worldly wealth and the contempt of all the things that we have. For it is completely unjust and wicked if... one prefers unimportant household rubbish to precious brotherly love...
The second reason is that everyone should cut off his own will, so that he does not consider himself wise and prudent and does not want to follow his own opinion better than the opinion of his neighbor.
Third : everyone should know that one must prefer love and peace to everything that one considers even useful and necessary.
Fourth : one must believe that one should not be angry at all, either for just or unjust reasons.
Fifth : everyone should want to heal his brother’s anger towards him, fed even without reason, in the same way as his own, knowing that the sadness of another is equally disastrous for him, it would still be as if he himself were angry with the other if he did not expel it from his brother’s soul how much depends on him
The last reason, which, without a doubt, is the general destroyer of all vices, is for everyone to think that he will move from this world on that very day. This conviction will not only prevent any sorrow from remaining in the heart, but will also suppress all movements of lust and all sins. So, whoever preserves this can neither endure the bitterness of anger and discord, nor inflict it on others. And when this does not happen, and as soon as the enemy of love (the devil or passion) quietly pours the poison of grief into the hearts of friends, then it is necessary, with the gradual cooling of love from frequent grief, the hearts of lovers, which have been poisoned for a long time, will someday be separated.”
Abba Joseph
Reverend
The Holy Fathers believed that friendship must be earned and protected
Orthodox friendship and communication are a great value. It is achieved through hard work.
John Chrysostom wrote about how to win a friend:
“Nothing wins us more friends than trying to outdo our neighbors in respect.”
He warned that there is always a risk of losing this friendship:
“Whoever becomes a friend by receiving benefits will become an enemy if they are not continuous.”
The Holy Fathers speak of friendship as a constant readiness to help a friend: Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh writes:
“Friendship is to be faithful, friendship is to be ready, if your friend is defamed, persecuted or persecuted, to stand up and say: “I am with him!” Are we ready for this? In good moments of life we say: yes, we are ready, but can we say without serious reflection that this is our choice?
Anatoly Surozhsky
Metropolitan
Giving and Receiving the Gift of Friendship
As we cling to Him and look to Him for the most complete and final friendship, we can extend love to others in imitation of how He first extended Himself to us. Biblical, Christian friendship sets an example for us in Christ and not only begins with God, but also ends with Him. God is the object in our love for others.
Keeping God as the object of our love and worship is the only way to extend our friendship to others without constantly seeking something in return and without demanding from others the fulfillment of our expectations. Friendship based on Christ will not require more of the friendship than God intended to give. In other words, we should not demand perfection from imperfect people or seek an ideal version of Christian community that is simply not possible on today's earth. Christ-centered people remember that the gift of human friendship (though it comes to us from a wonderful Giver) comes to us in the form of imperfect people who will disappoint and hurt us, just as we hurt them.
When we demand the realization of our idealistic idea of friendship, we become selfish and selfish. Consciously or not, we begin to ask questions such as: “Who serves me? How does the church provide me with community? How do others influence me? Who is inviting me? What will this give me? Our focus moves away from the example of Christ, who came to serve, not to be served. Friendship of Christ is centered on serving others by asking how God can use us in the lives of our friends and how He can use them in our lives. We consider serving others more important than serving ourselves, trusting Jesus' words that it is more blessed to give than to receive. We also believe that initiation, service and the love of another opens the door to friendship. But we do not expect or demand a positive response.
