Your beloved father has died: how to survive grief and find the strength to live on?

The famous writer E. Remarque believed that a person is capable of truly experiencing grief only when it touches his life personally. It is impossible to imagine in advance what kind of experiences will come with the death of a relative. There is no way to prepare for this. In a bitter hour, confusion, pain and depression force one to look for an answer to the question - how to survive the death of a loved one, how to endure this period, get relief, get rid of suffering.

In the event of the death of a loved one, a funeral agency will help organize the funeral.

Those around you will help you cope with the pain of loss.

The most common words of consolation, awkwardly uttered by friends and acquaintances, consist of assurances that it is easier for those who have left this world in the next world, that our tears and suffering cause our souls to find no peace, that everything will pass sooner or later. People around you often try to give advice on how to survive the death of a husband, wife, or parent, to encourage, comfort, and reassure. It may seem to you that all the words are empty, that they don’t understand you, that they don’t realize how hard it is for you.

Despite the bitterness of loss, the lack of an answer to the question of how to survive the loss of a loved one, do not be alone with your problem and try not to experience negative manifestations towards people. Most are afraid of death, do not know how to support someone who has lost their loved ones, and are afraid of being tactless.

• choose from your environment someone you trust. Tell them directly that you need their company;
• do not refuse any help from others;
• if you want to talk about what is happening, about grief, about your feelings, memories - do it. Talk to a friend, relative, or random fellow traveler. People are sympathetic to other people's misfortune. It will be easier for you;
• If among your friends there are people who have experienced the death of relatives, find out about their experience. Perhaps this knowledge will be able to help you during this period.

Don't close yourself off. If you mentally cannot remain alone, you need moral support, contact your friends or family. Talk to them. Repeatedly talking through the problem will help relieve mental stress.

Unfortunately, in modern society you can often find indifference or misunderstanding among people. They are afraid of mourning, death, everything associated with the loss of a person. As you try to cope with the death of a loved one, you may discover the unpleasant fact that those you considered friends are not able to provide support. Don't blame them for this. These may be superstitions, reluctance to at least partially touch on the topic of the loss of a loved one, fear of “causing” grief. Accept any help that is given to you from a pure heart. This is not the time to be modest.

If sad news is received...

The death of a loved one is an extraordinary event that affects many aspects of a person's life. There is such a thing as “extreme grief.” This is the state in which a grieving person remains for the first time after a loss. Typically, the period of extreme, or acute, grief lasts until the third to ninth day, sometimes a little longer. Shocked by what happened, we don’t know what to do, how to react, what to pay attention to. How to not let grief consume you? First of all, it is important to recognize that you need support. Try not to be alone with yourself and not to withdraw into yourself. Share your feelings with those you trust. Typically, people experiencing grief do not realize that they need help; they overestimate their physical and psychological state, believing that they can handle everything themselves. But such an overestimation of one’s capabilities is actually the result of an extremely stressful situation that distorts the real perception of reality.

You need help from your loved ones!

Death of a loved one The death of a loved one is always unexpected. Those close to you experience shock and deep grief. At the same time, they are faced with the need to quickly solve a lot of new problems for them - from sending the body of the deceased to the morgue to organizing a funeral. Where to go, in what order and what exactly to do? This brochure will help you find answers to these and other questions. Vera Foundation

End of life

Some advice for those who have lost a loved one*:

• After you have received sad news, you need to contact a person close to you (friend, acquaintance, relative) as soon as possible, inform him about the grief that has befallen you, ask him to come support you and, if necessary, help in organizing the funeral. Look for people who have the character qualities needed at the moment (decisiveness, activity, organizational skills). It’s good if someone monitors your physical condition.
• Notify other loved ones about what happened - relatives, acquaintances, friends . When talking to them on the phone, have a pen and paper ready to write down the day and time when who will arrive, who will bring what, etc. This will be needed later for better coordination in preparing the funeral and solving other organizational issues. Very often, a grieving person cannot remember even extremely necessary information, so it is better to write everything down.
• If your family has small children , you need to immediately think about who will look after and feed them in the coming days, where they will be and how to tell them the tragic news. Take care of their psychological state by asking your friends for help.
• Take part in organizing the funeral . These worries will keep you active and prevent you from sinking into grief. Take on a feasible task in accordance with your current psychological and physical state. Of course, if you are the person closest to the deceased, then the solution to the main organizational issues will most likely fall on you. If others are doing this, you can read the Psalter for the deceased, go to church. If you are unable to pray, entrust it to someone you know, preferably a believer.
• Cry, do not hold back your feelings (the exception is the presence of people who may be traumatized by this: small children, seriously ill people, etc.). Don’t listen to those who urge you not to cry, “to be courageous,” “to hold on.” Remember that feelings not shown in time can lead to big problems.

Childhood grief Childhood grief is an extremely difficult topic for adults. Is it possible to introduce children to the death of parents or other significant people - grandparents, brothers and sisters? Is it possible to invite children to the funeral ritual and farewell to the deceased? Oncology psychologist Pavel Sapozhnikov believes that it is possible and necessary. Pavel Sapozhnikov

Psychology

Man and the death of a loved one

Since ancient times, death has been prescribed mystery and sacredness. People were afraid of everything connected with mourning, grieving people, tears, grief. Much is still relevant today. You can often find that others shun the mourner. After all, contact with it does not cause comfort, it can be difficult and take away strength. As a result, a person may be left alone in difficult times, alone with his grief and with the question of how to survive the death of a loved one.

Psychologists consider the ability to express emotions important. To make it easier to cope with the death of your mother, father or other loved one, you do not need to be ashamed of tears. Cry if you need to. In the old days, mourners were specially invited to the funeral procession. The women loudly mourned the deceased. This was a kind of ritual aimed at ensuring that the soul of the deceased received a better fate, and also provoked the crying of relatives. Emotions that come out in the form of tears bring relief, take you out of stupor, and help you get out of a state of shock.

In the modern era, which promotes restraint in emotional expressions, coping with the death of a loved one is more difficult. Rumors are spreading that one cannot mourn the deceased too much, that the deceased “drowns” from the tears of relatives. These dogmas should not be trusted. Take care of yourself in difficult times. There will be no peace for the deceased if you feel bad. Do as your soul and condition dictate.

What prevents you from coming to terms with death?

This is how we are structured, that not all of us immediately come to natural humility. Something doesn't let us go. What? There are several points, the so-called. pitfalls. It is they who hold us, it is they who can get stuck in them for a long time and become fixated, and they do not allow us to let go of a deceased loved one (letting go does not mean forgetting!).

So, here they are, these “stones”:

Can't believe in death

.
Death is not recognized in the inner world, although they understand with their minds that their loved one is no longer there. It also happens that a person did not see his dead body, was not at the funeral, or there are other circumstances. What to do if a person does not believe in the death of a loved one? Ask to take a photo of your loved one's dead body. Impossible? There will almost always be someone who saw everything with his own eyes and will affirmatively say that now your deceased loved one is only in your heart and memories. Otherwise, you can get hung up on it and never start a new stage of life. But around you are relatives, friends, children, brothers and sisters who wish you happiness, or a pet who is waiting for your love... Let them fill your spiritual emptiness.
Self-pity.

This is the second pitfall.
Willingly or unwillingly, especially at the beginning of life, we do not think that we will die. Let's banish even thoughts about it. And after the death of a loved one, we begin to feel sorry for ourselves and be afraid. Oh, so many years have passed, and I haven’t even lived yet. There are two types of grief due to the loss of loved ones. The first is self-pity through fear of one’s own death. A person hides behind the pain of losing a loved one in order to hide his own fear of life. Here it is enough to recognize the fact of such fear, and then the world around itself will begin to change, HUMILITY will come - connection with the world (in any sense of the word described above).
The second is when the living selfishly feels sorry for himself,
because he feels bad without the deceased, lonely, he is sad even to see the things of his loved one.
This is a very fundamental pitfall that gives rise to the fear of death and can take you out of reality for a long time. Guilt.

The living see their guilt before the deceased and their mistakes.
In an effort to recognize them, they begin to delve into themselves, turning over layers of memory in order to remember what and how they offended the deceased. They often blame themselves for his death. They can’t figure it out, they don’t understand how to make amends to him, how to correct the situation and improve themselves ( “Guilt after the death of a loved one” - article
.)
The stage of guilt of admitted mistakes, apparently, has not been passed.
This means you can also get stuck on it for a long time. Banal, daily and routine problems that arise for each of us when we lose those closest to us.

This is a natural process.
The deceased, as it turned out after his death, took on a lot during his lifetime. And all this now falls on the shoulders of the grieving. If we experience the stages of grief incorrectly, we will not be able to overcome ourselves, force ourselves to do something without the deceased. Yes, it is possible to accumulate these problems and worry that the deceased loved one can no longer solve them.
Or look at them from a different perspective. After all, perhaps they are no longer yours? And if the problems are yours, then there are always people nearby who you can ask for help .

Needless to say, it is incredibly difficult to come to terms with this sad fact - passing away, especially at a moment of emotion. But it is possible to change your attitude towards him. Therefore, the saying “Everything has passed, this too will pass” is very appropriate in this case.

You need to understand that these are negative emotions, and they are not with you forever. True, if you don’t want anything else, that is, for this unbearable pain of losing your husband, father, mother or child to accompany you forever. There are many such cases.

How to cope with the passing of a loved one

Imposed stereotypes about the impermissibility of tears, the prohibition of excessive crying, the refusal to mourn can cause serious psychological trauma, complicate the process, and will not give the right direction in the search for how to survive the death of a child, spouse, or loved one.

On the day you receive news of the death of a loved one, try to adhere to the following recommendations:

• are constantly with someone;
• if you want to cry, do it;
• take safe sedative medications – valerian, Corvalol, validol;
• Remember about other relatives who may also be having a hard time. Try to be there in grief;
• find the strength to organize a funeral, ask friends to help with this or involve a funeral service;
• inform everyone you think is necessary about the death of your loved one;
• forget about misunderstandings and quarrels. For example, in order for a widow to cope more easily with the death of her husband, she should tell the news even to people for whom she has antipathy. It is worth showing respect for the passing;
• try to keep yourself busy with practical things. If you can, work. If you want to invest yourself in organizing a funeral, take part in choosing a coffin, a cross, clothes for the deceased;
• If you feel the need to be alone, retire. Your loved ones will understand your wishes;
• take care of yourself, take care of your state of mind, your healthy mind. If you feel overwhelmed by grief, ask friends or seek professional help.

In the hassle of organizing a funeral procession and preparing ritual supplies, the first three days can pass very quickly. A big test for the human psyche is the day of a funeral. You will need a lot of strength, since you have to see your deceased loved one in the coffin for the last time and say goodbye to him. During the funeral procession, a sharp awareness of what happened may come, after which a painful question remains - how to survive the death of a son, grandson, someone dear to you.

Support

Experiences after the death of my father do not allow me to continue to live normally, and in solitude all feelings become aggravated, because there are no distractions that prevent me from feeling them to the fullest. If the grieving person is very weak and cannot cope, he may also die after his father. For this reason, you need to do everything possible to help your loved one get out of a difficult mental state.

Talk to a close friend

The father does not always play a secondary role (it is generally accepted that the mother has a stronger connection with the child). The opposite situation also happens, when the father performs maternal functions to a greater extent. In this case, it will be very difficult for the child to lose it.

At any age, he will need a friend, and this function is not always performed by blood relatives. It happens that the connection with them is not very strong or there is no mutual understanding, then it is necessary to find a person outside the family circle, but close enough to be able to talk about your experiences.

This is especially important for a teenager, because at this age it is more difficult to find understanding from others.

Talk to one of your relatives

Relatives do not always cope with emotions after the death of the father of the family. The child's psyche is especially susceptible to external influences. During this period, it is necessary to find among your loved ones a person who will support, but not condemn, not criticize for the way you experience grief (tears, refusal to leave the house).

See a Psychotherapist

No matter how actively relatives try to support a child who has lost his dad, or an adult who has lost his father, sometimes there comes a time when emotions get out of control. At the same time, a quiet, submissive person turns into an aggressor, and a more active one is in deep apathy. Other signs that allow you to understand that a man or woman whose father has died needs the help of a psychotherapist:

• nightmares at night;
• conversations about suicide;
• suicide attempts;
• fixation on certain thoughts and actions;
• forgetfulness;
• mental disorder.

Read forums dedicated to this issue and talk to people there

Today, quite a lot of information is available in consolidated access, on various topics, including psychology. There are also forums where people from different cities and countries gather to discuss the problem of the loss of a dad or another close relative. You can write asking for support and briefly describe the current situation. On the forums there are those who came for the first time, but there are also experienced ones - those who managed to live like this. They can share secrets about how they managed to survive the death of their beloved dad.

Find Solace in Faith

It will be easier for Orthodox Christians and believers of other faiths to cope with the death of their father. At the same time, a person turns to God, asks him for strength to survive trials, and takes them for granted. It’s more difficult for agnostics and atheists, because they look for the cause of a person’s death in other aspects: the people around them, themselves, the structure of society. It is necessary to visit the temple, light a candle for the repose of a loved one

. You can talk with a clergyman, ask for support and help.

Get a pet

When a person loses his father, but there is no family yet, he will need a living being nearby if the person lives alone. This will allow you to feel warmth and show concern for your neighbor. Giving energy during the period of grief is just as necessary as accepting all the feelings experienced. This will allow the soul to revive after a severe shock.

How to accept the death of a loved one - stages

Everyone who has faced the loss of a loved one due to his death experiences grief in his own way. Psychologists identify main periods called stages, which often coincide with religious traditions and commemoration dates.

To cope with the death of a loved one, study the following information about how your psyche adapts to what happened. Stages of accepting the fact when a person has died and you have no idea how to survive the grief:

• shock, blow, lack of awareness . After receiving news that the person is gone, the first reaction of those around him is numbness, disbelief in the event, lack of understanding of how this could happen. Thus, the psyche protects against mental pain and includes protective mechanisms for gradually getting used to information. Relatives and friends of the deceased experience the death of a loved one in different ways, leaf through forums, fall into a stupor, and frantically try to do something to find evidence to the contrary. States can alternate from apathy to active activity, and vice versa. At such a moment, various emotional manifestations may arise - hysterical laughter, crying, talkativeness, silence, sullenness, indignation. Time period – up to 2 days;
• rejection of the fact . For some time, a person experiencing the death of a loved one does not accept the fact of loss and denies what happened. It may seem to him that he sees him in the crowd, hears a voice, continues plans for life, taking into account the fact that the deceased still fits into them, is afraid to make changes in his room, to part with his things. During this period, the psyche puts a conditional barrier to consciousness, allowing one to gradually come to an understanding of what happened, and to receive bit by bit changes in the environment. A kind of self-deception is necessary so that the weight of grief does not fall on the individual in full. Outwardly, a loved one in mourning looks quite active and strong, but inside him there is a great struggle between truth, fear and despair. Lasts 1-2 weeks;
• resentment, rage, anger . The moral shock from the loss of a loved one at this moment is considered an inexplicable fact. The mourner is perplexed, offended or angry - at life, at the Almighty, at medical workers, at friends of the deceased, or at himself. There is a misunderstanding of how this could happen to you, why, why they left you. On average lasts from 2 to 5 weeks;
• self-accusation . In the process of moral preparation for accepting a sad fact, a feeling of guilt sets in when memories of good past days or negative moments come flooding back. At this time, it may seem that you should have acted differently, spent more time, asked more about something, said some important words and confessions. For your own peace of mind, psychologists advise mentally saying this to the deceased, writing letters about it, and, if necessary, visiting the grave in the cemetery;
• depressive period . This stage is more common in non-contact people and those who are not used to letting their emotions out. Mental experiences leave an imprint on a person, he becomes withdrawn, gloomy, and does not respond to positive manifestations and events. Prolonged depression requires medical intervention. Serious pathological forms can last up to 5 years. In essence, it is a disease, a violation of neural connections. Depressive behavior for more than six months is a sign that the person needs to be shown to a psychiatrist. The doctor will prescribe psychotropic medications to help cope with the death of a loved one;
• Adoption. The gradual realization of the fact of loss is a painful period. A person experiencing mourning needs at least 40 days for the very initial adaptation. This period coincides with the Orthodox time period, when it is generally accepted that the soul visits its relatives remaining on earth. These are the hardest days. The mourner may often dream of the deceased alive, talk to him, and have dreams of resurrection. Thus, the psyche prepares consciousness, gradually bringing it closer to the fact that the loved one is no longer around. It is advisable for believers to attend church at this time, pray, and light candles. Depending on the closeness with the deceased, the acceptance stage can last up to 2 years or more;
• calm . Staying in a state of grief for a long time is not normal. You will not make the soul of the deceased, or yourself, better with your poor condition. Over time, life, the need to work, do something, devote time to family, forces you to organize your plans and learn to live without the departed person. The memory begins to fade a little, the person is still silent, often keeps to himself, seeks solitude, but more and more often he begins to contact others, take an interest in events, and participate in something

The duration of each stage depends on many factors - the degree of closeness with the deceased, his relationship to you, age, gender, psychological state.

The first days after the loss of a loved one

Life in new conditions

The funeral and wake have passed... Relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to normal life, to their business. Their attention and care towards you is becoming less and less. And you are still grieving, and it seems like it will never end.

How to live further? How to adapt to a new situation? If you have already started asking yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude towards life. This does not mean that you should forget the deceased or pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, grief must be lived through, but with the least physical and emotional disturbances. What is needed for this?

People cannot stand the pain of others About what can be done for a person who has lost a loved one. Personal experience Tanya Peters

Psychology

First, try to realize at what points in your life you became most vulnerable - whether it is in the everyday sphere, emotional, perhaps professional. When you understand where the “biggest hole is,” it will be easier to close it. And, just as a small child gradually learns to walk, begin to cope with new tasks on your own.

For example, a man who has lost his wife, who did all the housework, can learn to manage the house himself, or he can turn to special services to maintain the comfort of the house at the usual level. Some will have to learn to cook, others will have to learn to make decisions. This is especially difficult if previously almost everything was decided for you, so do not hesitate to consult with authoritative people and contact specialists.

And another important point: in the first time after the death of a loved one , try to postpone for some time the resolution of global issues (buying/selling real estate, moving, etc.).

Grievances and emotions

With emotions the situation is more complicated:

Don’t listen to those who advise to “strengthen, hold on, take courage...” . Don't save up your tears! If you want to cry, cry, if you feel sad, be sad. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, in this case to mental pain. This is a kind of emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and empty, but he feels better. Know that you have the right to express your feelings and you don't have to make excuses for them. Be sure to explain to young children that your emotions are caused not by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. If you hold back your tears, your child may try to copy your behavior without understanding the reasons for it, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, allow the child to cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through his feelings.

How to help a grieving child How a child perceives death and experiences grief at different ages, why it is important to take children to funerals, and the dangers of the phrases “poor thing, you’re the only one left” or “now you’re the boss in the house” Nikeya Publishing House Mikhail Khasminsky

Difficult Conversations

Consider who you can talk to about your loved one who has left you . If there is no such person in your environment, use modern opportunities for psychological support - for example, the Memoriam website, helplines, psychological help services. The main thing is to talk. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Don’t be shy about appearing weak, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God.

Do not try to talk to the deceased . He is no longer physically around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to those who are trying to tell you about superstitions, omens, and so on.

Keeping a diary helps soften acute emotions . Write about your thoughts, feelings, and the pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed during this period of time. Which feelings have become more acute? Which ones, on the contrary, left? What have you learned? This kind of self-analysis will reveal your strengths and weaknesses. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support where you are unsure of yourself.

Another way to ease the pain is to write a letter to the deceased . Even if the death was not sudden, there is always a lot left unspoken and unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't finished saying something important, you have the opportunity to do it now. Don't be afraid to appear ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of misunderstandings that you carry.

Supporting loved ones after the death of a relative: German experience When should you talk to a person who has experienced the death of a loved one, and when should you leave him alone? Why can a grieving person change from laughter to tears? How else can grief manifest itself? Katya Patker

international experience

If you don’t like to write, but emotions and memories are overwhelming, try this method. Place two jars next to each other. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember good things about the deceased, place one ball in the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some sad incident, an insult, a quarrel, write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be your jar of grievances. How long you do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already “lying” in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. Now all the bright memories are before your eyes. Look how many there are. When new grievances no longer come to mind, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Be natural in grief . Don't let others impose certain behavior patterns on you. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if you need it. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient . No one can tell how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will either recede, or rush in with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard to experience. For many years, pain can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Give free rein to your memories, order a memorial service in a church, pray at home, visit a cemetery.

Fear

One of the strongest feelings that can accompany loss is fear. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that this is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a “childish” reaction to the unknown that surrounds you after the death of a loved one. To regain your “adult” state, to stay “here and now,” try the following.

When you feel afraid, first look around. After all, there is no immediate threat to your life and health? Do this: highlight five colors that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? Look at any objects, but you must not just recognize the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud.

Photo: Oskars Sylwan / Unsplash

Next, select five sounds: a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV - whatever you like, but there should also be five sounds. In the silence of the night, this could be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the leaves outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Your hands - where are they, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of the body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For people who are visually impaired or hard of hearing, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what's near you. Identify five different sensations - the wool of a carpet, the cool wood of furniture, the soft upholstery of a chair, paper wallpaper... Try to distinguish the subtle odors emitted by these objects. Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality in case of irrational fears.

Physiology

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and the somatic (bodily). Deep experience can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in a person's appearance. The grieving person is muscularly tense, tense, and cannot relax. Such tension can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. Muscle tension is best relieved by massage - and this is not a whim, it is a necessity! If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now; if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist. Don't ignore your body's needs.

Try to maintain your usual daily routine . Don’t forget about food, but don’t go to the other extreme - don’t “eat up” grief. If the “urge to eat something” is uncontrollable, try to understand: are you really hungry or just need comfort in this way? If you lack emotional support, seek it from loved ones, friends or specialists.

Another vital need that must be met is sleep . If you can’t fix it on your own, consult a doctor for medication support.

The pace of your life is also a very important aspect. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. Allow yourself to reduce stress , remember that stress negatively affects all areas of life. Get more rest. Evaluate which rest is better - active or passive. Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it. You'll get back to your normal routine when you can, but for now just take care of yourself.

Time passes, emotions that did not allow breathing weaken and are replaced by others. You will always miss the deceased person, it’s just that the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then they will become bright. This means that the most difficult period is over. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting. This means learning to live fully after the loss of a loved one.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

I went through the bulk of my son’s things before 40 days. I put his school uniform, some shoes, and a new, never worn down jacket in a huge box. A friend asked me to look for someone who needed things for a boy. The mother of one of her friends found a large family, and they handed everything over to her. I was later told that when the family received the things and the boy tried them on, the parents cried with happiness, because they themselves would never have bought such good things. I asked what the boy's name was. It turned out that Misha was like my son. This is such a miracle. I immediately felt surprisingly calm. For a while, of course. But I couldn’t part with the most expensive and memorable things and I don’t want to anymore. I take care of them.

M.

Healing Tears

Nothing in the world exists for nothing. And it is no coincidence that we are endowed with the ability to cry from birth. For example, for a baby, crying is the only way to attract attention. As children grow older, especially boys, they begin to feel ashamed of crying and cry less and less. But still, in the lives of each of us there are moments when even the most persistent men find it difficult to hold back tears.

Emotional tears are the body’s reaction to extremely difficult moments in life for the psyche: grief, resentment, disappointment, annoyance, pity, as well as joy, tenderness, tenderness and even a manifestation of love. True, tears of happiness are very rare; most people cry when they feel very bad. It’s not for nothing that people call such tears bitter. They are the ones who help our psyche cope with a difficult situation.

You could say that emotional tears “wash away” stress. Crying is inherently the most effective means of expressing human emotions.

Some people find it very difficult to bear the sight of other people's tears. The call “Don’t cry!” for them it is the only way out of a traumatic situation when they are unable to calm them down with anything else. After all, not everyone is capable of compassion. Many are simply lost, seeing the crying and sobs of the grieving, and do not know what to do or what to do.

Most often, they hope that over time the suffering person will cope with his grief on his own and does not need help in this matter. It's a delusion. Previously, people did not isolate themselves from those who were crying. The dead were mourned by the entire village, and these traditions were based on many years of folk wisdom. It was considered completely normal to pour out your pain with bitter tears. Then it would never have occurred to anyone to say to the grieving person: “Don’t cry!” And now you hear this very often. The main reason for such attempts at “consolation” lies in the fact that there is a pattern in our minds: if a person cries, it means he is in pain. I stopped shedding tears - the sadness went away. But that's not true.

And it happens that people themselves forbid themselves to cry. It seems to them that by giving free rein to their emotions, they will only make things worse for themselves and their loved ones. For such strong-willed people, crying means “falling apart,” and they cannot afford it. As a result, unshed tears do not disappear anywhere, but are driven into the depths of the soul, where they accumulate and accumulate. It’s difficult to imagine what unexpected consequences this will turn out to have, but it is clear that the grieving person’s body in such cases experiences great overload, and an emotional breakdown can happen at any moment. The conflict between the need to express one's feelings and the fear of expressing them leads to neurosis and depression.

Suppressing tears can also affect your physical health. The fact is that when emotions are blocked, muscle tension occurs, as a result of which the functioning of the entire body is disrupted. Any emotion is energy, and, according to the law of conservation of energy, it does not disappear anywhere, even if we try our best to suppress it within ourselves. Therefore, the best way to get rid of negativity and pain is to let them out.

Photo: Christian Newman/Unsplash

Experiencing grief at work How to help yourself when you have to experience acute grief and at the same time continue to work and perform your social functions Pavel Sapozhnikov

Psychology

You can allow yourself to grieve at work. The only question is whether colleagues will be able to be tactful and attentive, whether they will give the person as much time as he needs to recover from the tragedy. Unfortunately, many people only have enough for a few words of sympathy, and then the grief of others begins to depress them. What can I recommend here? As long as they sincerely empathize with you, share your pain. But even if there is no support around, you can hide your tears, but you don’t need to hold them back. There is always an option - to retire and cry. At the same time, do not be offended by those who do not sympathize with your grief; treat this with understanding and patience.

It also happens: a person would be happy to cry, but there are simply no tears. To relieve muscle tension resulting from suppressed feelings, there are various techniques and breathing exercises. But it is better to solve this problem with the help of a psychologist.

You can help yourself with moderate physical activity, for example, muscle stretching exercises and swimming. Also, any creativity helps a lot in these situations. We all know that women cry more often than men. This is partly due to social stereotypes. In our society, crying is interpreted as a manifestation of weakness, helplessness, and infantility. Boys are taught from childhood that shedding tears is shameful: “Be courageous, boys don’t cry.” Parents can be understood in this regard - they are pursuing an educational goal. But you still need to distinguish between the moments when it is appropriate to say: “Don’t cry,” and when it is necessary to accept the child’s tears and teach him to correctly express his emotions. By the way, the fact that representatives of the stronger sex live less than women is largely explained by their emotional restraint.

Yes, men by nature have such a trait of protective behavior as high control over the manifestation of any emotions, both positive and negative. But despite this, a man also needs help when grief befalls him. Advise him not to be ashamed of his tears and to cry when he wants to. It's so natural! If the grieving person is numb and cannot express his pain, you need to help him cry. It is worth remembering, however, that only cleansing tears are beneficial and healing for us, after which we feel relief. When a person is sucked into grief and despondency like a whirlpool, tears turn from healing to harmful.

Anyone who experiences the death of a loved one experiences sadness, cowardice and even murmur. This is a normal reaction of our psyche to grief. Danger arises when sadness gives way to despair—loss of hope. If a person has fallen into despair, then tears from a cleansing medicine for the soul turn into a nutrient substrate on which diseases of the soul begin to parasitize, making life unbearable. In this case, tears can become a way of life, which, of course, is not necessary for either the deceased or the one who cries for him. No matter how unbearable the grief may be, do not drive yourself into despondency and sadness. Remember that the reason for despair lies in the person himself - in how he perceives what is happening to him, where he draws strength from to overcome the difficult path, and whether he draws it at all.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

My husband died on New Year's Eve. There is pre-holiday bustle all around, people are getting ready - buying food and gifts, but I am alone with my grief. Those who sympathized quickly sank into their lives. A “vacuum” has arrived.

I read that you need to let yourself cry, scream. And grief really burst out of me. On the way home from work, every evening I looked to see if the neighbors’ lights were on, to know if today I could let myself go in the room or sit howling in the bathroom with the water on. But in any case, as soon as she crossed the threshold, she sat down on a bench in the hallway and began howling and screaming, as soon as she closed the door behind her. After this it became a little easier to breathe.

On holidays and weekends, she would retire to the village and howl: “Where are you, my beloved?!” I am dying without you! I can not live without you!" It just happened that way. The cat also started yelling at me. And the stray dog ​​that lived on our street, which my husband loved and fed, also howled. And there is a holiday and fireworks all around. And no one probably suspected what was happening in a separate house, where the lights were on and it was as if they were celebrating the New Year. Some of my friends, not knowing about what had happened, sent congratulatory text messages. And I was alone with God and there were only animals nearby who sympathized with me.

And then one day, instead of the phrase “Where are you, my beloved?!” I suddenly, in a frenzy, automatically started screaming: “You are strong, you will endure it!!!” And so on several times. It was as if someone had put this phrase in my mouth. And then, having screamed, I realized that I could survive this. And she began to feel like a lone warrior whose goal is to win. Against all odds.

Svetlana

If a feeling of guilt tears your heart apart. In all the languages ​​of the universe, so different, we are connected by one dialect - the one that sounds in our hearts with the voice of pain. When we lose loved ones...

Pavel Sapozhnikov

Psychology

Don’t look for your fault in the death of a loved one

One of the most powerful feelings that can overcome a person after the death of a loved one is guilt. Many people feel remorse because they could not prevent death or were unfair to the deceased during their lifetime. They feel that if they turned back time, they would behave completely differently. This is usually expressed in endless questions to oneself: “What if I had come to him earlier?”, “What if he had not flown on that plane?”, “If we had not quarreled, she would have stayed at home that day... "

This reaction to loss is quite natural. In a person’s soul, acceptance of what happened struggles with denial, which is why he comes up with endless options for the development of events that would not lead to a tragic outcome.

People generally tend to look for explanations for every event. But if we talk about death, it is very difficult to predict.

Sometimes people experience a feeling of guilt towards the deceased, although there is no guilt. For example, a husband, at the request of his wife, decided to replace a burnt out light bulb - and he was electrocuted. The wife feels guilty. But she could not foresee that misfortune would happen! If a person thinks that everything depends only on his forethought, he takes on too much. This is not conscience, but pride, a sin that must be gotten rid of. People with adequate self-esteem understand that not everything in life obeys them.

However, the bereaved person often perceives the situation inadequately and exaggerates the degree of his involvement in the death. This is similar to the so-called “magical” thinking, which is very developed in children, and in adults it manifests itself in critical situations. Sometimes those experiencing the death of a loved one may believe that their bad attitude towards him (nitpicking, dissatisfaction, rudeness, etc.) provoked his illness and subsequent death. And if they also happen to hear from someone a reproach like “it was you who drove him into the grave,” then the severity of the guilt increases.

Or the wife sometimes regretted in her heart that she had connected her life with her husband, and thought: “If only he would disappear somewhere!” And if suddenly the husband dies unexpectedly, the wife may think that it was her thoughts and desires that “materialized” and the blame for what happened lies on her conscience.

We all say bad words to each other, do bad things, make mistakes. But some try to correct them and understand that they are not omnipotent, while others think that everything that happens around them is caused solely by their behavior. These people suffer the most from guilt and do not understand that this is simply the other side of their self-destructive egocentrism.

Sometimes, unknowingly, our consolation can hurt very painfully. This is not taught at school, it is rarely taught in the family.

We invite you to take a test that describes common situations when support is needed. The test is based on articles about grief and consolation published on our portal.

Check how ready you are to lend your shoulder. Perhaps you will understand how to do it better, or recognize your mistakes.

Guilt can take many different forms. Thus, psychologists talk about survivor's guilt - the feeling that we should have been in the place of the deceased or that we do not have the right to life, since he is no longer with us. Many people experience guilt associated with a feeling of relief that a loved one has died - for example, if the deceased was sick or suffered for a long time before death. However, in this case, a feeling of relief is a completely expected reaction.

There is also the so-called guilt of joy, which occurs long after the loss. It is connected with the fact that after the death of a loved one, happiness appears again in the lives of his loved ones. For example, a widow who met and fell in love with another man may experience such guilt. In this case, we should remember that joy as such is a healthy experience, a sign that we are living a full life.

Journalist Anna Danilova - about the loss of her spouse, a new family and an opened door “The very fact that another person has the experience of loss already makes you feel better - at least you understand that this did not happen to you alone. Because at first it seemed like the sky had fallen on your head alone.” Anna DanilovaPortal “Orthodoxy and Peace”

Personal experience

It is believed that the degree of our love for the deceased is measured by the strength of our grief. Therefore, some people are seriously worried that the image of a loved one is gradually being erased from their memory. They think that this indicates their indifference - and this, in turn, also causes a feeling of guilt. But the degree of love and the strength of grief are not at all identical things.

The idealization of the deceased can also contribute to the increase and maintenance of feelings of guilt: when one’s own shortcomings seem terrible, and the bad traits of a loved one are ignored. The feeling of one’s own badness against the backdrop of the “immaculate” image of the departed only aggravates the suffering. Often, those who are grieving look for confirmation of their guilt in all sorts of signs, omens and even in dreams. It seems that everything around us reproaches us, reminds us of our guilt before the deceased. But try to analyze these signs as objectively as possible, and you will discover an amazing pattern: the more attention we pay to them, the more of them appear in our lives. Moreover, most often these are not some unusual things, but the most ordinary phenomena to which for some reason we attach new meaning. A person may see an ordinary dream (for example, how he talks with a deceased person), but will give it a special meaning. Don't believe omens! In a state of grief, a person easily succumbs to temptation. Remember this and try to keep a sober mind.

If you cannot cope with feelings of guilt for a long time, you may need the help of a psychologist.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

I lost my mother just recently. I always insisted on taking my parents to the dacha by car, but for some reason I didn’t insist that day. Mom said that in such beautiful autumn weather it would be a sin not to walk from the train, and I gave in. I thought, let my parents take a walk and breathe some air in the forest. On the way to the dacha, my mother was hit by a car.

Of course, I blamed myself for not insisting, for letting some go, and then I read that blaming yourself after the death of a loved one is normal, almost everyone does this, and almost no one has any real guilt.

In general, many things that seem very personal and completely unbearable during loss (guilt, pain, anger, resentment, unwillingness to live on, indifference to oneself) are common to everyone or almost everyone. And when you understand this, and at the same time you understand that all those who live nearby - they, most likely, have already encountered grief at least once, and went through it, and continue to live - it becomes easier.

Irina

However, you should not classify any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased as a pathology. The fact is that guilt can be different: existential and neurotic. Neurotic guilt is imposed from the outside and then transferred by a person to the internal plane - we gave examples of such guilt above. Existential guilt is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” or, on the contrary, did not do something important for the deceased. Such guilt is absolutely normal and speaks of a person’s moral maturity. It is necessary to distinguish the fruitless feeling of guilt from the voice of conscience.

A healthy sense of guilt signals that we have violated our moral code, committed a crime and are now obligated to correct the situation. The latter is very important: if you do not go beyond admitting your “guilt,” you can get stuck at the stage of self-blame, then a healthy feeling will turn into an evil, destructive force. The feeling of guilt must be transformed into creative activity.

The worst thing is when a person gets “stuck” in a state of self-flagellation, considering it a Christian virtue. In reality there is no virtue here. Healthy self-reproach for a Christian differs from self-examination in that the first evokes a desire to work on oneself, while the second plunges one into despondency and hopelessness.

The main difference between a normal feeling of guilt and a pathological state is moving forward. Having admitted his responsibility for what happened, a person must sincerely repent. If you want to atone for the deceased, change your life. Try to live at least a little as the Gospel teaches. And the strongest support for the soul of the deceased is prayer. And, we repeat, there is no point in constant self-reproach. We must try to regain the lost joy of life, and not fence ourselves off from it. Instead of torturing yourself with accusations, it is better to honor the memory of your loved one in your heart and, having accepted what happened, move on.

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh:

Some time ago a man of over eighty years old came to me. He sought advice because he could no longer bear the torment in which he had lived for sixty years. During the Russian Civil War, he killed his girlfriend. They loved each other dearly and were planning to get married, but during a shootout she suddenly leaned out and he accidentally shot her. And for sixty years he could not find peace. He not only cut short a life that was infinitely dear to him, he cut short a life that blossomed and was infinitely dear to the girl he loved.

He told me that he prayed, asked the Lord for forgiveness, went to confession, repented, received a prayer of permission and received communion - did everything that his heart told him and those to whom he turned, but he never found peace.

Overcome with ardent compassion and sympathy, I told him: “You turned to Christ, whom you did not kill, to the priests, whom you did not harm. Why did you never think of reaching out to the girl you killed?” He was amazed: “Isn’t it God who gives forgiveness? After all, He alone can forgive the sins of people on earth.” Of course it is. But I told him that if the girl he killed forgives him, if she stands up for him, then even God cannot ignore her forgiveness. There is a place in the Book of the Prophet Daniel where it is said that Daniel offered up a prayer and God answered him that his prayer was in vain, because an old woman, offended by him, prayed against him and her prayer nailed his prayer to the ground, like a strong wind - smoke , not allowing her to rise up.

I suggested that he sit down after evening prayers and tell this girl about sixty years of mental suffering, about his empty heart, about the torment he had experienced, ask for her forgiveness, and then also ask her to intercede for him and ask the Lord for peace in his heart if she has forgiven. He did this, and peace came...

From the book of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh “Life and Eternity. 15 conversations about death and suffering"

Physical condition of the mourner

Thorough medical studies have been conducted of the processes that occur in the body at the moment of experiencing the bitterness of loss. Not only the psyche is rebuilt, but also the nervous system.

Physiological changes and symptoms experienced by a bereaved person:

• labored breathing;
• a feeling of constriction in the sternum;
• emptiness in the abdominal cavity;
• physical weakness;
• thirst, dry mouth;
• spasmodic throat;
• slowness of reactions;
• speech disorder;
• confusion;
• irritability;
• sleep disorder;
• emotional devastation;
• headache;
• decreased concentration;
• anxiety.

How to write when dad died

If one of your loved ones received the sad news of death earlier (for example, a son or daughter), it is necessary to inform other relatives about this. To do this, consider the following options:

• by telegram - contains a short message;
• email – used only between colleagues, for professional purposes – to express condolences to the boss;
• through SMS messages, various instant messengers, which is the least suitable option, since the text is perceived detachedly;
• by phone - this option is suitable for those who cannot come, there are no other communication options (in remote regions, in case of bad weather).

The message is written using predominantly soft words and phrases with positive connotations. It is advisable to prepare the deceased - to come “from afar”, there is no need to immediately write the cause of death.

Advice for those around you

Some advice should be given to those around you who are close to the one who buried a loved one. They will help survive death and can alleviate the suffering of a person who is absorbed in his own grief.

If your loved one has lost a relative, friend, spouse, or does not know how to cope with the death of a father, grandmother, or loved one, you can do the following:

• stay nearby as often as possible;
• intuitively understand when the grieving person wants to speak out, give him this opportunity;
• call by name more often;
• speak calmly and affably, but do not be zealous in the desire to please;
• One should not behave immorally, practice ordinary behavior. Jokes, humor, laughter, attempts to rouse oneself can bring mental trauma. Be tactful;
• listen patiently to everything a person says, take part, ask questions, be interested. The more times a loved one talks about their loss, describes their feelings, and remembers events, the easier the stage of acceptance and finding peace will pass;
• after 6 months have passed since the death of a loved one, try to tactfully move conversations about the deceased in a different direction, don’t let them dwell on grief, involve your loved one in new activities and hobbies;
• monitor the state of a person in mourning. Often, in order to accept the death of a parent or cope with the death of a husband, advice can seem foreign. The mourner may abuse alcohol or other intoxicating substances in order to fall into oblivion;
• periodically ask your friend who is in mourning to help you. This could be a household trifle, a joint trip somewhere, or a professional issue. This will gradually help bring a person out of stupor and bring him back to life;
• in dangerous situations - prolonged apathy, fits of aggression, frequent hysterics, deterioration of mental health, inappropriate actions, call professional help. Don't be afraid to turn to specialists. In Russia, it is not customary to visit a psychologist or psychotherapist, but in order to maintain mental health and prevent neuroses, only medications prescribed by a doctor will help keep the mind healthy, alleviate suffering, protect consciousness, and help to survive the death of a loved one with the least impact on the psyche.

You are facing a difficult long period when your loved one needs a strong shoulder to survive grief. This could be your friend, colleague, spouse, relative. It is only important to be there during this time, to provide any possible support - emotional, material, organizational, informational. The mourner will appreciate all this, and in the future he may help you too.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.

We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

Practical recommendations

If you don’t know how to survive the death of a loved one, remember that your main helper is yourself. Read the material carefully and try to understand everything presented.

Consider these tips to help you accept your loss:

• take care of yourself. No matter how terrible the fact of what happened, you should move on and try to be happy. The deceased would not want you to suffer;
• If necessary and desired, study information that will answer your questions. If you want, scroll through the forums of widows who survived the death of their husband, platforms where mourners have gathered. When people are united by grief, they are sympathetic to the pain of another;
• Share your thoughts, experiences, emotions. Don't be shy to talk to people you trust;
• are you in society or alone. Choose for yourself - as your moral state requires;
• express your state creatively - write poetry, compose music, sing, draw, make crafts;
• don't follow traditions if they don't suit you. Listen to yourself and do what is most comfortable for you;
• use the recommendations of psychologists - how to survive the death of a loved one, write a letter to the deceased, tell him about your feelings, about your life. Do this for as long as it takes;
• Do not under any circumstances think about suicide. This is sinful, it will not make the fate easier for anyone, you must endure;
• talk to those who already have sad experience of how to survive the death of a loved one, their advice may be better received by you;
• observe the days of remembrance. In Orthodoxy there are separate dates when it is customary to visit the graves of the deceased. Come to the cemetery on the birthdays of the deceased, the anniversary of death;
• arrange the burial. Express all your love and memory in a monument, planted flowers, and care for the site. If you wish, come to the deceased, talk, plant ornamental plants, and do the cleaning. These activities will give peace of mind;
• Do not abuse alcohol or other substances to relieve the pain of suffering. Clouding your consciousness will not help you comprehend the inevitable; you will harm your body.

According to the advice of a psychologist, how to survive the death of loved ones, you should listen to your feelings. In order not to develop a neurotic pathology, you cannot experience grief for a long time. If possible, overcome yourself over time - read, walk, go out into society, communicate a little with others. Believers can visit a mentor, confess, and go to church services. If you feel that you are unable to cope with your condition on your own, please contact special support services.

Back to life

When the period of mourning for the father is officially over, the funeral is long past, in time the sons and daughters must be brought back to life. To do this, you need to change quite a lot of things in your life and perception. Help can be provided both by the people around you and by those grieving themselves.

Change your routine

After the death of dad, life is divided into “before” and “after”. When grief subsides, a person will be able to return to business, but most often this cannot be done under the same conditions. It is necessary to change the environment around, if the children lived with their dad in the same apartment or private house, and at the same time create a new daily routine.

Do things you've always enjoyed

You can try yourself in a new role, try yourself in other activities. This will allow you to fill your life with bright emotions, find a hobby or start a business that the children of a deceased father have long dreamed of. A change of environment, as well as new emotions, will speed up the recovery from a difficult emotional state. But such advice will only help if the grieving process ended naturally, the children of the deceased father accepted all the feelings and lived through the pain.

Quit drinking alcohol for a while

It is often more difficult to stop drinking alcohol amid grief if there is something left unprocessed after the death of the father. This may be guilt for what was said (“I wish my father dead”) or done (quarrel, disrespect). Also the cause is resentment for something the dad did during his lifetime.

Such emotions will slowly destroy a person. You need to understand how to forgive your deceased father, let go of anger, understand that the past is gone.

Keep yourself busy

A lot of free time opens up many opportunities for reflection, reminiscing, and grieving. But endless delving into the source of pain has negative aspects - the consequences are unknown: depression, unwillingness to live, apathy, etc. are possible. If the father has died, it is permissible to experience deep grief, but only at the first stage, when this process drags on for many months, years, this is a sign of depression, a complicated psychological condition. An activity you enjoy speeds up the process of dealing with grief, because it provides a more reliable support than anything else, and also distracts and gives positive emotions.

Do quiet things - this is very important

The state of the nervous system worsens with every stress. When the family cared for the dying father, and then buried him, they tried to survive the grief, their nerves were shaken. Some of your loved ones break down and get easily irritated, others get upset, cry for any reason, others fall into depression, apathy - all these manifestations intensify as soon as an even more significant load is placed on the nervous system. This means that it is important to remain calm when doing any work or communicating with people.

Don't rush yourself

Relief when experiencing intense grief does not come immediately. Moreover, the speed of recovery after the loss of a loved one depends on various factors: relationships with the deceased, cause of death, family ties. This means that you should not rely on standard deadlines, which are often specified by psychologists. When your dad dies, you can grieve, but you don’t need to delve into these feelings without the support of your loved ones, because it will be more difficult to return to life on your own.

Pleasant memories and words are important for the deceased

When a person dies, his soul is on earth for the first time, and then finds itself in another world, but it does not stop watching its loved ones, helping them, and supporting them. The living on earth often commemorate the dead; this could be enough. However, the priest can advise the husband or wife and their children to remember the deceased more often, and not to speak badly about him.

Period of reflection

Understanding of what happened can occur both soon after the funeral and several months after the death of a loved one. You can talk about comprehension at the initial stage or after a long time, years - it all depends on the grieving person. You should not try to speed up or slow down this process, it should develop naturally. As a result, after cremation and burial of the remains, a person realizes that he has lost his dad, although it will take 1-2 years or more.

Continue your father's work

In order to feel close to the deceased, to calm your grieving heart at least for a while, you need to find something to do that was common with him during his lifetime. This could be fishing, professional activity, etc. Deeds for the good of society will allow you to give energy: care, love. Then the memory of the person who died ahead of schedule will be preserved until the contract is broken.

Father's advice

In times of bereavement, emotional distress, and all-consuming grief, many go to church not only to order a funeral service for the deceased, but also to simply talk and pray. Even those who have not thought about faith find peace in the temple. If you wish, be baptized, take communion, confess. Talk to the priest and God's people. In their speeches you can find answers to the question of how to survive the death of a loved one.

The Orthodox priest recommends to the relatives and friends of the deceased:

• believe in the mercy of God;
• ask and pray for the soul of the deceased;
• pray for the deceased;
• come to church;
• light candles for the repose (it is customary to place candles for the souls of the dead on a rectangular candlestick. As a rule, it is placed to the left of the front door);
• help those in need;
• Give alms to those asking at the temple.

Church ministers are always tactfully and patiently ready to listen to the Lord visiting the house. If you are experiencing mental anguish, anxiety, confusion, or heaviness, talk to your priest.

How to console a person who has lost loved ones?

How to live on

Immediately after a tragedy occurs, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to return to your normal daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t return to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.

You should not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is postponed. It is more difficult to resolve issues in an advanced stage.

Remember with kind words and deeds

People often ask how to ease their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with this? Easing the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and unnecessary. The time will come when you can manage your grief. To ease the pain a little, you can do something in memory of the deceased. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, he could bring this matter to completion. You can do charity work in his memory, dedicate some creation in his honor.

It is important to preserve his memory and always remember him with kind words and deeds.

Advice from psychologists on helping children

If a tragedy occurs in the family, you cannot remove the child from it or ignore him. This is an important experience, albeit a bitter one. It is necessary in later life.

When interacting with children, parents are advised to pay attention to their behavior and condition. A child may become angry at an adult who brings terrible news about the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to drown out emotions. This can negatively affect your mental state. Emotions must spill out. Grief that is not experienced in time always returns and brings pain again.

Children in adolescence usually close themselves in their room after the death of a loved one. Don't disturb their solitude. This is simply a self-defense reaction of the body. Children need time to reflect on what happened and come to terms with it. However, adults cannot completely forget about them. Children in this difficult period of life need physical care.

When to contact a specialist for help

When you cannot come to terms with the loss of a loved one, grief becomes pathological. Long-term depression requires psychological help. It is recommended to contact a specialist in the following cases:

• if the mourning period lasts six months, maximum 1 year;
• tormented by despair, thoughts constantly arise about the hopelessness of situations;
• I don’t want to put up with the fact that a relative or friend is no longer there;
• thoughts of suicide appear;
• body weight decreases quickly;
• thinking and physical reactions become inhibited;
• the ability to perform basic everyday tasks is lost.

How to honor a friend

There is no need to erase memories, thinking that this is right. The death of a close childhood friend is a heavy blow. In order not to injure yourself, not to be tormented by the wrong choice of course of action, you need to accept what happened. This will give you peace of mind over time, as well as the ability to move on without pain. But the path to accepting difficult feelings is long. You can help yourself, and at the same time honor the memory of the deceased. Available methods:

• say your friend’s name more often: you need to get used to the event that happened, while it is possible to preserve the feeling of the presence of a deceased friend after death, you just need to say his name more often in conversation, but not in a negative way, but in a positive way;
• ask for something as a souvenir from a friend’s family, it could be a work tool, a stationery - a thing that is used quite often, as a result, the soul will become a little warmer when the grieving person uses such an item every day or simply stores it in a visible place;
• remember pleasant events: in friendly relations between people, good and sometimes not very pleasant events happen, but to preserve the memory of a deceased friend, it is better to leave more positive emotions, this will allow you to quickly go through the stage of grief, when anger prevails over other feelings;
• visit memorable places or do your favorite things: you can change the environment for a while, take a short vacation or go out of town to the country, this will help you cheer up after the death of a friend, look at the situation differently, you can also visit where you previously spent time with the deceased during his life, continue activities started together;
• make an album in memory of a friend’s life: you can collect all the memorable photographs in one folder/album, print the photographs, hang them in a frame, a periodic reminder of the deceased will help maintain his memory;
• create a digital page: in recent decades, a page in memory of the deceased on the Internet has become popular, for this you can create a small website, it will contain basic information about a friend that you would like to save (photos, videos), then you can visit this site if it becomes it’s hard without a deceased loved one;
• do something in memory of a friend: you can jump with a parachute, go to a car race if you previously dreamed of doing this trip together, donate funds to the poor, because people who have similar interests or views are often friends, after the death of one of your friends, an emptiness appears in your soul, you can try to fill it by doing good deeds.

How teachers can help

School is one of the parts of children's daily life. If a child is faced with grief, then teachers can help them survive the death of a loved one. Tips for teachers:

1. In the first time after a tragic event, changes in behavior such as isolation, inattention, and aggressiveness may be observed. You shouldn’t make comments or force people to behave normally. It's just a way of expressing pain. Time will pass and it will subside.
2. A child may want to talk about a terrible event that happened in his life. The teacher's task is to find time for conversation. When communicating, it is important to support the child not only with words. You can take him by the hand and hug him.
3. You should not tell your child that he must be strong and not show his tears to others. During this period of life, it is important not to hide emotions, but to let them out. It brings relief.

The process of grieving in both adults and children should ultimately end with remembering happy moments spent with a loved one and the formation of a good memory. Memories will always be kept in the soul, and this will mean that the person is alive in memory and heart and is loved no matter what.

When history turns into legend

If your best friend dies, the loss is often not felt on an emotional level at first. It seems that this can be survived, everything will work out. The reason is that such news can take some time to reach consciousness: days, weeks pass before an understanding of what happened arises. Experts note several stages that people usually go through when they lose loved ones:

• shock, denial;
• anger, irritability, resentment towards others and the deceased friend;
• attempts to return to the past, negotiate the provision of such an opportunity with the universe, God;
• despair, depression;
• acceptance of pain;
• recovery after grief.

People do not always go through these stages of grief, some of them are felt weakly and pass unnoticed, others are more pronounced, sometimes you have to separately work through the feelings you experience. According to observations, when a friend is lost, the most common manifestations are denial and resentment. These are reactions that arise when the usual course of life is disrupted; they can be considered a manifestation of selfishness, because when experiencing such feelings, the grieving person first of all feels sorry for himself. But this method is considered natural. It is laid down by nature so that you can gradually accept a stressful situation. If hard news hits a person suddenly, it can even pose a health risk.

Gradually, the advice that a friend gave during difficult situations will come to mind. This is a kind of help to the grieving. It is very pleasant to receive it, especially in the most difficult moments, when nothing can relieve the pain.

First person stories

My husband died, my child was left without a father. He was 7 years old, a fairly grown-up son, but at the same time still so small. I told him to cry if he wanted, to talk to me when the need arises. And I also showed by example how I cope: I cried, but I could smile when I saw something sweet and beautiful. Yulia Menshova once said the same thing: you can grieve greatly in your soul, but outwardly remain relatively calm.

Alina Kuraeva

Zhanna Rybina

When the guy’s father died, I was there: I did household chores, because he couldn’t, and I helped at the funeral. We talked little, but stayed close and spent a lot of time together. I saw that this made my young man feel better.

After the death of her husband, she told her son that your daddy sees you from heaven and will not leave you, even if we can no longer see him among the living. The child took these words as an adult, I saw that he latched on to this thought, believed in it so that no one could take this faith away from him. And I myself also felt the presence of my husband, as if he had never left, but was still with us.

Svetlana Zhabina