How to survive the period after the death of your mother and continue to live

If the title of the article caught your attention, we can assume that you are faced with the loss of a loved one - your mother. You are crushed and broken into small pieces. Or maybe, on the contrary, you arrive in an emotional stupor and feel nothing.

Be that as it may, our task is to give you the necessary information that will help you figure out what you need to do in such situations, and how, step by step, to survive all this, and return to everyday, but a new life in which it will no longer be yours moms.

To begin with, we want you to know that you are not alone in your grief, we are with you. We sincerely strive to help you process your loss so that you do not get stuck in one of the phases of grief.

In this article:

Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning Stage No. 2 Return to a new life Brief recommendations

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target.
Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied. A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.

If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?

Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.

Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period

Christian traditions

We are used to celebrating Funerals on the 3rd, 9th and 40th day. But why does this happen? What does the Orthodox faith say about this? On the third day we commemorate the deceased in honor of the Resurrection of Christ, who ascended to heaven just on the third day after the crucifixion. The ninth day came to us from the Orthodox tradition of honoring angels who ask the Lord for remembrance for a deceased soul. The fortieth day is revered by Orthodox Christians in honor of the Ascension of Christ. It was before this period that it was generally accepted that the soul was in wanderings, looking for God. And this solution occurs precisely on the 40th day. It is then that the main thing happens - they determine the place of the soul before the Last Judgment. But a new life begins on the anniversary after death.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

Psychologists are often asked about what to do when I cannot come to terms with the death of my mother. Most often, working with a psychologist and following his recommendations is enough, but in severe cases, you may need to visit a psychiatrist and take medications.

What to do?

First you need to give yourself some time. Many people cope with the situation themselves, but this does not happen right away. If acceptance does not occur for too long, you need to find a psychologist with whom you will be comfortable working.

You shouldn’t give up being active and solving organizational issues. Activity helps to distract yourself and prevents you from dwelling on grief. You should do as much as possible in the first time after your mother’s death: after organizing a funeral or cremation, a wake, sort out the deceased’s belongings, resolve inheritance issues, and receive relatives who came from other cities and countries.

If there is such a need, you can get rid of reminders of the loss. This is not a manifestation of ingratitude, but an attempt to reduce the significance of the loss, reducing the intensity of the pain. Some people, on the contrary, tend to leave everything as it is.

How to cope with loss?

Alcohol, drugs and other destructive methods that help you forget and temporarily relieve pain should not be used. Such options can lead to the development of addiction and negatively affect health. It is better to find healthier ways to relieve your emotional state: talking with friends, sports, helping others, communicating with your children, sisters, brothers, father, keeping diaries. The methods are individual for each person, you need to find the right one.

There is no point in trying to suppress feelings. Because of this, psychosomatic pathologies may develop. Both women and men can cry. It is also useful to speak out. However, to do this, you need to choose people with whom you have a trusting relationship: communicating with critics who try to devalue feelings will only do harm.

There is no need to replace the mother with other people. A husband, children, father, friends can make life better, give it more meaning, but they cannot replace a mother.

You cannot give up and strive to die. Most often, there are other people and pets who can give meaning to life. We must remember that the mother did not want misfortune for her child; she would be glad if his future life was happy, filled with pleasant events and meaning.

How to let go?

Most often, it is possible to let go only after going through all the stages. If anger or guilt after the death of your mother lingers too long, and you cannot get out of a depressive state on your own, it is recommended to seek the help of a specialist.

Psychologists recommend going to the cemetery and talking with the deceased. If a person is a believer, prayers can help. In addition, it is useful to write letters to the deceased, where, in addition to memories of the past, there will also be stories about what is happening now. This illusion of communication often helps to cope with grief faster.

How to deal with feelings of guilt?

It is possible to come to terms with the death of your mother only by ceasing to feel strong guilt. You should turn to logic. If the cause of death was the mother’s illness, the child most often was not able to influence the situation in any way; some pathologies cannot be cured. If a woman died alone in an apartment, the cause of death was also not the absence of children nearby - old age and the presence of somatic diseases also need to be taken into account.

Religion will help believers get rid of negative emotions. It should be borne in mind that God decides when a person dies; the children of the deceased are not to blame for what happened.

How to ask for forgiveness?

Children who have experienced the death of their parents often feel the need to ask for forgiveness. Since this can no longer be done in person, severe emotional discomfort is possible.

What feelings might you face after a loss?

The experience of loss depends on personal characteristics, social environment, attitude towards death and relationship with mother. In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people are unable to go to work or cope with household chores because this is the acute phase of grief.

Grief researcher William Warden writes that grief and other feelings are needed to adapt to loss. There are a number of feelings that people commonly name when describing their grief experience—all of which are normal. According to the charity Independent Age, after the death of a loved one, people may experience:

• shock and feeling of unreality, especially in the first days after death;
• anxiety, general or about something specific;
• worry about one's own mortality;
• anger and irritation - for example, they can be angry with loved ones;
• sadness;
• guilt;
• feeling of hopelessness;
• the need to support others and suppress one's own grief;
• some relief if a person has been sick for a long time.

Your experience may vary.
It's normal if you have difficulty identifying what specific feeling you are experiencing. Strong emotions can be scary, but they usually get weaker over time. Olga Shaveko , systemic family psychotherapist, specializes in working with trauma and loss.
There are five stages that a person goes through during the loss of a loved one: denial, aggression, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But it is important to remember that the grieving process does not follow clear stages. The stages are very arbitrary, and a lot depends on the situation, on the characteristics of the person, on what kind of support is nearby.

The stages usually go through many times, and the strength of the emotions gradually decreases. It is not always possible to reach acceptance. Then the grieving process can become chronic and last for a long time.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

• frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
• visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
• a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
• often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

And if there is no grief, is that normal?

Australian scholar and director of the Grief Center Christopher Hall writes that everyone experiences loss differently. It is possible that you will not grieve the way it is shown in the movies or the way your relatives come to life. You may be coping with your mom's death without tears, but it can still be grief.

If the mother was ill for a long time, the child could grieve her loss even before death. Because the loss is not only death, but also the loss of hope, the loss of a close relationship with the mother.

Sometimes it happens that mother and child do not have a close relationship. Then, even though the mother is a related person by blood, perhaps her child may not experience grief from the death of the mother.

Olga Shaveko

After the death of your mother, you can feel relief if the relationship was bad. Then you can feel that conflicts and resentments have stopped. It is difficult to accept the feeling of relief and joy due to guilt. After all, my mother died, and in such a situation it is customary to grieve. But any emotions are normal, you can allow yourself to feel them.

There may also be relief if the mother was sick for a long time and it was difficult to care for her. When a person is tired and burned out during caregiving, they may feel relieved that the hard work is over. And this is also a normal feeling.

With a bright memory, escape from depression after the death of loved ones

We, people with the anal vector, remember all the good things done to us. We want to avoid being left in debt. We want to return exactly as much as they once gave us. But after the death of a loved one, we understand that we were late, we didn’t have time. This feels like a state of depression. They could, but they did not provide love, understanding, care, and participation to their parents.

We reproach ourselves for the fact that a hundred times we wanted to take our mother to the sea, take our father to his favorite fishing trip, and simply spend weekends with them more often, sometimes call them in the evening, but we got wrapped up and got stuck. And now there is no one, no one to go to. And depression after the death of my mother paralyzes the ability to do anything.

Feelings of guilt can painfully and for a long time drag a person back with shackles, to a place where nothing can be changed. But this property of the anal vector can not destroy, but have a constructive effect and help get out of depression after the death of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather - those to whom, it seemed, there would still be a moment to say thank you.

After all, in the past you can unearth not only reasons for reproaching yourself, but concentrate on what you are grateful for to your parents, dear ones and loved ones.

Remember how your mother’s caring hands cooked pies for you and always cut off the most ruddy piece, how your father’s inept hands braided your hair, afraid to awkwardly pull a strand, how your grandparents cried and were proud when you received your diploma, how at any of your calls and even without him, these hearts were ready to take all your adversities upon themselves.

How much happiness you gave each other! Although it is not possible now to kiss your beloved cheeks and say thank you, you can take this feeling of gratitude to other people and, with the name of your parents, give into the world the same warmth that your parents gave you.

What did your parents always want most? So that everything goes well for you, so that the work is to your liking, so that comfort and understanding reign in your home. To make you happy. You can give this to them now. Then gradually the stupor and depression after the death of your mother will no longer hang like a chain on your life in the present. Only bright sadness and gratitude will remain in the heart.

Organization of the Funeral

On your death anniversary, you need to be well prepared. You need to notify in advance all the people you consider important to see at the funeral wake. As a rule, these are the closest people: relatives, friends, work colleagues. You need to decide exactly how many servings to set the table for. It is better to cook or order more food and give the leftovers to the poor and needy.

The first thing to do on the anniversary of death is to visit the grave of the deceased and lay flowers, you can light a lamp and read the funeral prayer. So, in order to properly organize a memorial anniversary, you will need:

• Invite all relatives of the deceased in advance;
• Determine the location of the funeral. This can be done at home or in a cafe;
• Go to church to order all the necessary church rituals;
• Visit the cemetery in the morning, lay flowers and read the funeral prayer;
• Help the poor.

Perhaps the main thing in all this is a sincere prayer for the soul of the deceased, which will help to find peace in the next world. Of course, it is better to order the Divine Liturgy in the church and attend it, together with other parishioners, ascend with words of sorrow and respect for the soul of the deceased.

"Negation"

The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which best characterizes the onset of the following symptoms:

• mistrust;
• irritation towards the one who brought the news;
• numbness;
• an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
• inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)

As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.

What if the family has small children? How can you avoid hurting them?

Candidate of Psychological Sciences Natalya Nozikova and educational psychologist Ekaterina Kolesnik argue that a child is more likely to experience grief without post-traumatic syndrome if he is allowed to show feelings. And also if there is a significant adult in his life who takes care of him.

Lena, 36 years old

When my mother died, my daughter was less than two months old. I wasn’t at the funeral, I couldn’t leave her with anyone. I think mom would understand. I don’t have an open gestalt about farewell.

I was constantly concerned about my daughter. I consoled myself with the thought that it was natural that we bury our parents. Mom lived a difficult life, buried two sons, but remained strong. I wanted to get support from her, I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t call her. Although I am 36 years old, it seems that before my mother died I was a child, and now I have become an adult.

Olga Shaveko

You can tell the child that his grandmother or mother has died, that now we will not see her, but we will remember her. You can take a child to a funeral, but don’t lead him if he doesn’t want to, don’t push him to take active action. It is important for a child, like an adult, to say goodbye to a loved one. The very presence at the funeral is not traumatic for him. A hysteria from an adult that he sees can frighten a child.

Younger children 3–5 years old see death as something reversible. From the age of 6, children understand that living things tend to die. You can build a conversation based on the child’s questions and his reaction.

If you feel that the child will have a hard time bearing the news of death, you can read fairy tales in which the characters lose someone close.

Often clients say: “How can I cry, because there are children nearby?” If a person does not bang his head against the wall, then children are able to withstand the tears of their parents. You can tell your child: “I’m sad that grandma is not around.” This is how we allow the child to feel. Children grieve too, but they may show it differently.

Psychologists' opinion

In order for the pain to truly subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grieving”:

1. State of shock (1-3 days). The message about the death of the mother initially leads to a stupor. The person denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some people do not get out of this state for many years, or even their entire lives. For example, a daughter leaves all her things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
2. Sobbing (1-9 days of death). During this period, a person is overcome by the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, and cries a lot and heavily. At times, sobbing is replaced by complete physical and emotional exhaustion. This is especially common immediately after a funeral.
3. Depression (up to 40 days). Relatives and loved ones return to their former lives. There is less and less support. There is an acute feeling of emptiness, strong melancholy and anger.
4. Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person realizes his loss, spends a lot of time with memories, carefully sorts them out, and tries to talk to someone. When sadness sets in, she cries.
5. Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. It is customary to celebrate this day with remembrance, wakes, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help to finally say goodbye and let the mother go. Not necessarily on the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Then, unless stuck, the daughter or son returns to everyday life. At times they feel the same emotions, but the general condition remains satisfactory.

Important. Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief

Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means falling into a long-term depression. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors invited professional mourners to funerals. They helped me get in the right frame of mind. Therefore, at first you need to step back from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit you so that you can cry enough. At the same time, it is strictly not recommended to suppress feelings with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.

Question and answer

Who determines the order of funeral speeches?
In this case, two criteria apply: family ties and seniority. For example, the eldest relative of the deceased meets guests and invites them to the table. He makes the first toast, after which he asks the most honored and respected person present at the wake to be the head of the table. Next, the head of the table gives the floor to everyone according to seniority, depending on age and social status.

Can City Ritual Service LLC help organize a wake for the anniversary?

Of course, since we provide comprehensive support in organizing the funeral and all related activities. Our specialists will help you choose the optimal place and take care of the impeccable conduct of the funeral meal.

What should guests wear at an anniversary funeral?

Mourning at this time is no longer necessary, but strict tailoring and restrained, mostly dark tones should be adhered to.

I have nightmares after my mother's death. How to stop feeling guilty?

Good afternoon, Lera!

I sympathize with you and share your grief. Losing your mother at such a young age, and even due to suicide, is a terrible stress.

I ask you to understand, accept and realize that life happened the way it happened, and it could hardly have happened any other way. We cannot live life for other people, we cannot force them to think the way we think. Every person has the right to freedom of choice: you have it, your mother had it.

Feelings of guilt, and, as a result, nightmares at night in such a situation, are absolutely natural. It is simply difficult for you to come to terms with and accept death as such. What could you do then? How could you help? Would this be a successful attempt?

Lera, first of all, forgive yourself, stop taking responsibility for someone else’s decision to leave this life.

What if, God forbid, you had a similar situation in your life as your mother? Are you sure you would have acted appropriately? And would you listen to other people's advice? Would you blame your children for YOUR decision (even if it was wrong and terrible)?

So, the first thing is a clear acceptance and awareness of the above. The second is negative emotions and feelings. They need to be worked out. Necessarily. Preferably with a specialist. If this is not possible, use the “Letter” technique: imagine that you now have the opportunity to write a letter to your mother, she will definitely read it. Describe everything that you would like to tell her: do not be shy, give yourself free rein in this letter, display all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that you harbor. You can write several letters (one per day or every 2-3 days) - you will see how with each new letter, your cry from the soul will be quieter, the pain will go away, and acceptance and humility will come to replace it. Burn the letter each time (better in the fire of a wax candle, put the ashes in the bathroom), then gently walk each finger of your hand over the flame, let it burn a little more, looking at the flame is very useful in any case!

The process of grieving over the deceased is the process of LETING GO of him. Let go of your mother’s soul, and, in turn, forgive her for such a serious mistake. After all, THERE she understood and realized everything a long time ago, and, I think, she suffers from feelings of guilt no less than you. Don’t hold it like that, let each other go in Peace, help mom go into LIGHT and PEACE. Then you will calm down, and there will be no more nightmares.

I wish you to find peace of mind and lightness as soon as possible.

Rate the psychologist's answer: Rating 5.00 (2 Votes)

How to support yourself after loss?

Different actions may be required at different times after a loss. Clinical psychologists Matthew Valley and Hardeep Kaur recommend:

• Carry out any rituals. Rituals help you understand the reality of what happened and find your meaning in it.
• Express your grief, sorrow and other feelings. For example, keep a diary and record your experiences in it.
• Tell the story of your loss and grief, for example, write your story on social networks. This is also a way to reflect on experiences and get support.
• Write a letter to your mom about what you wanted to say and didn’t say. This will help express feelings.
• Be in touch with your emotions. Many of us are good at suppressing emotions, so feeling them can be difficult and unusual. You can imagine every emotion as a part of yourself. For example, the part that is angry and the part that is afraid. Distinguishing your emotions is important to understand what is happening to you and how you can help yourself.

Olga Shaveko

The better a person understands himself, the easier it is to support himself during periods of grief. Support is a word that everyone understands differently. You can understand what kind of support you need by remembering what kind of support you had in your family, or by asking yourself what kind of support I expect. Often we do not ask ourselves such questions, but expect from loved ones that they should know what and when to say.

Sadness and crying are normal and appropriate to the situation. Many people find it difficult to allow themselves emotions, because there is a feeling that if you let yourself go a little, you will never stop crying. The grieving process occurs in waves, sometimes it’s very difficult, sometimes it becomes easier.

And often society, people who support, try to distract, say that life goes on and we must hold on. You can try to get away from emotions for a while, but they will still cover you. Then trivial situations like spilled tea can cause sobs. At such moments, it helps to go to a psychologist to create a safe space for living emotions.

You can say: “It’s important for me to cry.” Explain that this helps to cope with the loss. It is difficult for people to simply be there and hold the hand of a crying person. I want to do something and help. But being close can be the most important thing.

If loved ones violate your personal space and devalue your feelings, it is important to find a time and place for yourself where you can experience emotions. For example, agree to see a supportive friend more often. It is better to reduce communication that makes you feel bad.

Yulia, 25 years old

My mother died when I was 12 years old. I stayed with my dad and grandmother. It was a stressful period, conflicts began in the family, and soon my grandmother left.

For a long time I repressed my feelings about my mother’s death. There was a moment at the funeral when I wanted to cry and join in the general feeling of grief. One of my mother’s friends said that I should not cry so as not to upset my grandmother. I never managed to cry, and for a long time after that I didn’t cry at all. And repressed grief.

When I was at university, it became more and more difficult for me to pass papers. I came to therapy with a request about difficulties in studying, and at the very first session I began to talk about the death of my mother and cry. In therapy, I felt better, and I began to work with unlived and blocked feelings.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air. For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy.

It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.

2. Don't try to speed up the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours to sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!

There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.

Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning

Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
There is a concept called “extreme grief.” There is a synonymous concept “shock”. This condition is typical for the first time after the loss of a loved one. After the sad news has been received, it is very important not to be alone with yourself.

You should contact your relatives, friend, or good acquaintance as soon as possible. That is, those people who can provide support.

It may also be that the sad news befell you when you are in another city, or even another country.

In this case, it is also important that, at least via telephone or video call, you can contact those people who can provide support. They will listen and allow you to throw out all the pain from the loss.

Much important at the initial stage is the organization of the funeral. If you are not able, due to severe mental shock, to take care of it yourself, it is important to find those people from your environment who can help organize the funeral. They will take care of all organizational issues.

If you still take on the organizational issues, it is important to start by looking for a funeral agency and agreeing on the place and time of the funeral. Choose a place for the wake: if the budget is limited, the wake can be at home. In this case, it is important to cooperate with relatives or friends, who will bring what, and how they can help.

Be sure to call all those who must attend the funeral. Tell them the time and place.

• Important! At this stage, as a rule, the consciousness of the grieving person is scattered. He may forget information or get confused about it. Therefore, you need to write everything down so as not to disorient yourself.

It is important to consider whether there are small children in the family. Particular attention should be paid to how to tell them the sad news so as not to cause psychological trauma.

You should take into account how strongly the child was attached to his grandmother. If the connection was very strong and the loss will be just as shocking for the child, it is better to consider the option of someone who can sit with him during the funeral, and provide information about the death not directly, but like: “Grandma is now on the clouds and is now always watching us. She became our guardian angel."

How to cope with the death of your parents?

Kaisar Dauletbek

This summer, my close friend, with whom we grew up, passed away.

She died suddenly. Doctors said it was lupus. When trying to determine the cause, one of the possible factors was a sudden change in climate. Two years ago they moved to Spain. When a person who cyclically exposes himself to forty-degree frosts moves into daily twenty-degree heat, this affects his health.

She was often taken to doctors; she always had health problems. Everyone is used to it, and so is she. But the doctors said that it was lupus only after she died.

Lately we have stopped communicating closely, and I scold myself for it. When she was admitted to the hospital, I didn't think about the seriousness of the whole situation. I thought maybe it was another check.

When her organs began to fail on the third day, I realized that I had to go to the hospital and at least find out how her parents were doing. Her dad was always looking for the necessary medicine. Over the course of two days, he flew to Moscow several times: the medications were always not suitable.

On the fifth day, my mother called me and said that Tomiris had died. This is the kind of knockdown after which you need time to understand what’s going on.

When you learn about the death of a loved one, you don’t have time to think about anything. You just feel empty. And tears are a reaction that allows you to fill that very emptiness. I was raised in a family where it was unusual for men to show tears. But you are crying and there is no way to stop it. The most comfortable solution for me is to go somewhere and sit in isolation. I think that most people raised like me, which is the majority of men in Kazakhstan, need isolation. You need to think, collect your thoughts, and only then can you discuss the situation with someone.

It’s hard when you realize what’s happening, when you realize that this person is no longer there. It’s hard to see parents who have lost a child: I looked into their eyes, and they looked through me.

I didn't say a word to them, not even once. I just couldn't. He gave napkins and brought some medicine, but didn’t say a word. I think just being there at that moment means a lot.

The worst thing you can say to a person experiencing grief is: “If anything happens, get in touch.” The best thing you can do is to give him some thoughts.

We are distracted from our emotions when we start thinking about something. If, let’s say, I’m sitting and crying, then it would make me feel better if I asked: “What were your best memories? What made this man different from the rest? It's something that can make you think, rack your brain, remember something. While your brain is doing this, it will not be able to give meaning to emotions.

I sometimes remember Tomiris. I remember what a wonderful person she was, but I don’t think about her death. I have a picture hanging in my dorm that she painted. Every day I wake up and look at this picture - now it is part of my routine, I do not attach much importance to death.

Funeral dinner

Many people are interested in the following questions:

• What dishes are best to prepare for the anniversary of death;
• What devices are needed;
• The order of serving dishes;
• What and how to say;
• How to behave properly at the table during a funeral event.

The main thing here is to know for sure whether this day falls with a church holiday or fasting. If this happens, you need to adhere to church canons and prepare Lenten food. If a day on the Christian calendar allows you to eat meat dishes, then they can also be included in the funeral menu. Christian dogma says:

• You cannot remember the deceased with strong alcoholic drinks. After all, this is a day of remembrance and it is better to simply remember the good things about the deceased and talk about it with loved ones;
• It is forbidden to shout at the table, sort things out, talk about the deceased in an inappropriate tone or badly;
• It is better to watch a video of the deceased, a family album, share the feelings you experienced with your family and remember happy moments.

Just before sitting down at the table, the older adult man reads a prayer and thanks the deceased for all the good things. Lunch should start with kutia, which you need to eat 3 spoons. Please note that the only cutlery on the table is spoons. It’s better to cook kutya from grain. This is also a pagan tradition, symbolizing the Sunday of the soul.

Each housewife selects dishes for the funeral table according to her own taste. It is better that these are modest, lean dishes, without any special frills, and the food that the deceased loved most. Most often it is borscht or noodles for starters, potatoes with meat, boiled and fried fish, cabbage salads, cabbage rolls, etc. They cook a lot of compote, uzvar, and serve sweet drinks for children.

The number of dishes on the funeral table is not essential. After all, the main thing is not the decoration of the table, but the memory of the deceased, kind words and thoughts. After all, every person with whom fate brings us together teaches us something in one way or another. On a separate table you must place a photograph of the deceased with a black ribbon, a glass of water, salt and a piece of bread. From this day on, the soul of the deceased passes into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Take a break

Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.

Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.

If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.

How to support loved ones who are also experiencing loss?

Many people find it difficult to find words that are appropriate. Here are the phrases cited by psychologist Sergei Shefov as an example of what you can say to a grieving person:

• "How do you feel?" is an open question that gives the grieving person the opportunity to speak out.
• “I'm sorry this happened” and “I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I feel this way with you” are ways to express your feelings.

Olga Shaveko

You and your loved ones may not be in the same stages of grief. For example, one person is in the stage of aggression and protests against what happened. And the other one is sad. And it seems to the first that the second doesn’t care at all and doesn’t support him. It is important to understand that you experience grief differently. You can seek support from people who are not affected by grief.

You can be there and allow emotions to show, ask what support is needed. Do not isolate a person from life, for example, if he feels the strength to go to work, support his decision.

It certainly doesn’t help to ignore the topic of loss and expect that after the funeral a person will live as before. Because then it will be difficult for the grieving person to cry and be sad next to you. He may brace himself to hide his emotions, but this will only increase the tension between you.

Find spiritual and psychological support

Do not despair if it is very difficult for you and you cannot cope with the state of grief on your own. In this case, contact an outsider who will provide psychological or spiritual support. During psychoanalysis sessions, a specialist will help you understand yourself and return to normal life. The advice of a psychologist will give impetus to the fight against depression. It may happen that sessions are held regularly over several months or years. Remember - the main thing is that you feel comfortable.

If you are a believer, then go to church, talk to the priest. Many who have lost a loved one order magpie for the deceased. The atmosphere of the temple will help you gather your thoughts and strengthen your spirit. In addition, you will be able to communicate with parishioners who will be able to support you in this difficult life situation. You can attend a psychologist and church at the same time.

If cremation has taken place

Today, the Russian Orthodox Church is much more loyal to cremation than before, but advocates the traditional burial process: the ashes of the deceased must be interred. However, only close people can decide what to do with the remains - in accordance with the last wishes of the deceased or their own views. The ashes may be buried in a cemetery or scattered at a memorial site for the deceased. It is also possible to separate it for subsequent burial in the native places of the deceased and near the place where relatives live.

It is important to remember that after the cremation procedure, the ashes can be stored in the crematorium for no longer than a year. If during this time none of the relatives of the deceased appears, the urn will be buried in a public burial place. After 40 days after cremation, storage of ashes becomes paid.

What to do when your mother dies?

It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.

When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.

What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.

Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.

If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.

Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.

For those asking about funeral rites

“Nowhere in the world, except Russia, has the funeral custom and rite been developed to such deep, one might say, virtuosity, to which it reaches here,” wrote K.P. Pobedonostsev. “And there is no doubt that this character of his reflected our national character, with a special worldview inherent in our nature.” Our conversation with the serving priest of the church in the name of St. Demetrius of Thessalonica in Sulazhgora . Konstantin Savander .

“Since ancient times, special Saturdays have been appointed,” says Fr. Constantine - when all Christians purely prayed for their dead loved ones. Such days began to be called parenting days.

— Why does the Church pray with such care for the departed?

— The Church prays for the repose and forgiveness of the sins of the deceased, hoping for God’s mercy. Although man was a sinner and received God’s reward after death, when the final judgment of humanity takes place, prayers for him will be remembered by God, and he may be pardoned. After death, a person’s soul can no longer change anything; all its hopes are for those remaining on earth. There is a pious legend that on parental Saturdays the souls of even the most inveterate sinners receive consolation and joy.

— What should you do on Parents' Saturday?

— The day before and on Parents’ Saturday itself, you need to come to the Divine Service. Before it begins, submit a note with the names of the deceased, place candles on the funeral table, but most importantly, pray for your loved ones, listening to the words of church hymns. The shortest prayer: “O Lord, rest the soul of your deceased servant (name), and forgive him all his sins, voluntary and involuntary, and grant him the Kingdom of Heaven.” With this prayer you can light candles and say goodbye to the deceased.

Wanting to somehow help the soul of the deceased, a person who believes not only in parental Saturday, but must always do works of mercy, give alms to poor people for the deceased, light candles, and give notes. People who do not have special means donate food, which is placed on a table located in front of (or behind) the funeral table. You cannot donate vodka or cognac...

In the morning, having attended the service, ordered a memorial service and prayed for the deceased at it, an Orthodox Christian goes to the cemetery to pray for his relatives, remember something good about them, and put things in order at the grave.

— When visiting a cemetery, we involuntarily think about our own death...

— A person must always be prepared for death. We won’t necessarily live a long life; no one knows their lifespan. Many are frightened by thoughts about death... In order not to be afraid, one must not sin, because often a person is afraid to bear responsibility for his evil deeds. We can correct ourselves, repent and change our lives, and then we will not be punished for our sins. We need to confess more often, live a very attentive spiritual life, we need to go to church, because without God’s help it is impossible to be saved. When the hour of death approaches, it is advisable to take unction, confess and receive communion. If a person is seriously ill, a priest is invited to his home.

— What should relatives do after the death of a loved one?

— Immediately after death you should start reading the Psalter , this book is sold in churches and icon shops. Then you need to go to the temple and order a funeral litany , agree on the funeral , which is best done on the third day. It is advisable for the person to be buried in a church, but this can also be done in a funeral hall. The funeral service is performed for the deceased once, but memorial services can be ordered often. After the funeral service, the deceased is taken to the cemetery and buried. If the priest has the opportunity, he will perform a litany at the grave . There, after the last farewell to the deceased, the priest completes the burial rite - three times with the prayer: “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us,” pouring consecrated sand in the form of an Orthodox six-pointed cross over the funeral veil. When there is no priest, any loved one can do this. Usually after the funeral there is a wake , or a funeral dinner - an almost Lenten meal, preferably without alcohol, when loved ones remember the deceased kindly.

-Who can’t have a funeral service?

— We must realize that the funeral service is performed for a member of the Church, therefore it is useless to perform the funeral service for an unbaptized person. It happens that the relatives of the deceased do not know whether the deceased was baptized or in honor of which saint he was baptized (when a person has a secular, non-church name, for example, Edward). Then, before you go to order a funeral service, you need to try to find out whether the deceased had godparents when he was born (if before the war, then he was probably baptized), whether there was a church in the village where he was born, when this church was closing. In general, such a fact (if it turns out with great certainty that the deceased was baptized after all) is very regrettable - it means that the deceased was a non-church, person of little faith. Relatives must pray hard for the Lord to have mercy on his soul. Funeral services and memorial services are not held for suicides.

— Why are the 3rd, 9th and 40th days especially highlighted?

— The soul of a person is close to his family the 3rd day the 3rd to the 9th day it is shown the afterlife, and from the 9th day it is a particularly difficult period for the soul of the deceased, it goes through ordeals, where it learns all its sins. Finally, on the 40th day, the ordeal ends and the soul is again ascended by the Angels to worship God, who determines its appropriate place in anticipation of the Last Judgment according to its earthly affairs, spiritual state and by the grace of the prayers of the Church and loved ones. During this period (from 9 to 40 days ), relatives should especially pray. Again, the Psalter is read, in churches the person’s name is remembered in customized notes. It is highly advisable to serve a memorial service on the 3rd, 9th and 40th days.

— How can you decorate a grave?

- Whatever you want, you just need to try to have a cross on the grave, a symbol of victory over death.

— There are many superstitions associated with funerals and behavior in the cemetery...

- Yes, and many of them seem stupid and funny to me. For example, people throw money into a grave to ransom the deceased. Or they put money, food and various expensive things in the coffin or leave it at the grave. Isn't it better to give them to a poor believer who will pray to God for the repose of the deceased? There is no need to pour vodka on the grave or pour it into a pre-set glass, guided by such an “iron” argument that “the deceased loved vodka.” By doing this, you are making the deceased very painful, because he may suffer after death for the sin of drinking wine. Finally, it is pointless to knock on a monument or on a specially placed plaque on the grave in order to inform the deceased that you have come; he will not hear you, his soul is far away. The deceased can be given to know about you only through your fervent prayer to God.

— What to do if the deceased is dreaming?

- So he asks for prayers. But if the deceased, like a ghost, walks around the apartment, scaring the residents, then this evil spirit, under the guise of the deceased, is doing its dirty work. Such dwellings must be illuminated in a special way.

— What can you say to console the loved ones of the deceased?

- Of course, the loss of a loved one is the greatest grief, but you cannot reach despair. Separation is not eternal, we will meet in the future life. The time that we have left on earth must be used to ensure that our meeting with loved ones, and most importantly, with God, is bright and eternal life is joyful.

Interviewed by Irina Tatarina

* * *

About funeral rites based on materials from the Orthodox press

Ecumenical parental Saturdays have been established since the first centuries of Christianity. And this was not done by chance: the Holy Church cares not only about those living on this earth, but also about all Orthodox Christians who have passed away from time immemorial.

- Why is it necessary to perform funeral services for the dead?

— According to the traditions of the holy fathers and according to the spiritual practice of the Holy Church, the soul of the deceased without a funeral service has no peace. Therefore, performing the funeral service is very important for her. The entire Church, in the person of priests and worshipers, asks the Lord, by His great mercy, to forgive all the sins of the deceased and give him a resting place in the abodes of heaven. In the prayer of permission, the priest not only asks for forgiveness of the soul of the deceased, but also prays to the Lord to remove any curse weighing on the soul of the person being interred.

— Why do the Orthodox have such a solemn rite of burial of the dead?

- Because the body is a vessel of the Holy Spirit and loved ones see off not just the corruptible remains, but the relics. It is assumed that any Christian strived to live holy, but, like every person in this life, he sinned. This is what the Church prays for, so that the Lord will forgive the sins of the deceased.

— Why, after the death of a person, is it necessary to celebrate the magpie in church for his repose?

— St. Basil the Great writes that the human soul remains with the body until the third day, and therefore they bury it on the third day after repose. When a coffin with a body is sealed in a church, the soul at that moment leaves the person. After the ninth day, she goes through ordeals, or in other words, 20 trials. The soul will be able to go through the ordeal if the person led a righteous and pious lifestyle. Otherwise she will be condemned. Therefore, in church the magpie about repose , thereby we accompany the soul of a person with prayerful intercession before God.

the Psalter for the deceased for 40 days and took prosphora for the deceased every day at the liturgy in their church. In this way they provided his soul with great help. It is appropriate to note here that there is no higher prayer on earth than the prayer of a priest during the Sacrament of Proskomedia, when he pronounces the name of an Orthodox Christian and takes a particle from the prosphora. Therefore, you need to immediately order a magpie for the repose of your neighbor in the church and submit the name of the deceased for commemoration at Proskomedia. The more churches and monasteries the soul of the deceased is commemorated, the greater the benefit for it, as well as for the soul of the one who submits for commemoration.

- If the deceased never confessed during his lifetime, did not receive communion, did not fast, will it benefit him if a priest is brought to him after death?

“Deeds without faith are dead.” But the priests perform such a ritual over everyone, since they leave everything to the Judgment and providence of God, to what God wants to do with the soul of a sinner... It happens that we saw only the bad deeds of a person during his life, but did not see when he repented of their actions. And God saw and knows all this, therefore God will deal with this human soul according to His Will.

One day, people from leading party circles approached an archimandrite who served in the Tula region with a request to give communion to his grandfather. This was in the early 60s - during the time of the most severe persecution of the Church, when for secret baptism, communion at home, and even for minor church repairs, people were imprisoned or committed to a mental hospital. Therefore, it is quite possible that this could have been a provocation. But the young people convincingly insisted on going with them, saying that their grandfather was dying and could not die. He was repeatedly placed dead in a coffin and each time, to the horror of those around him, he rose from the coffin, demanding to bring a priest for communion and explaining that as soon as he dies, all those killed and tortured by him come to him, led by three priests whom he shot , and they say to him: “Come back, confess and partake of the Body and Blood of Christ, for we have begged your soul from God.”

The old man’s relatives called the local priest, but he, having heard what sins this man was guilty of, refused to read the prayer of permission and said: “I cannot give permission from such sins. Look for a monk...”

After a long conversation, the elder agreed to go to the dying man. Before confession, as required by the rules, the archimandrite asked everyone in the room to leave, but the dying man, pointing to the young man who had arrived with the elder, said: “Let him stay and hear everything, he needs it...”. “I have never heard a more terrible confession and at the same time more complete,” writes Archimandrite George, “I have never heard in my life.”

After the ardent atheist repented, the elder read a prayer of permission and administered communion to the dying man. Before his death, this old man, who knew the truth under pain of damnation, bequeathed to his relatives to perform a funeral service for him in the church and bury him under a wooden cross, and not to erect any monument. That's what they did - they buried him in the church.

— Who should not be buried in Orthodox churches?

- According to the Charter of the Church, it is impossible to perform Orthodox burial rites and church commemoration of people who are not baptized, baptized, but have renounced the faith (heretics), who during their lifetime treated the Church with ridicule, hostility, or, considered Orthodox, were carried away by Eastern religions. Previously, such people were excommunicated from the Church (anathema was proclaimed) - now this is done very rarely, but these people excommunicated themselves from the Church. The Church prays only for those who recognize the Orthodox Church as the true Church.

There is no church funeral service for suicides. Our Church denies this even to people who have made an attempt on the life or property of their neighbors and died from wounds and injuries received as a result of the rebuff. In this case, only soldiers who died on the battlefield are buried. They were sent to defend their Fatherland and they died a martyr's death, having fulfilled their military duty.

— What is an absentee funeral service? In what cases is it applicable?

— Because of the abundance of chants, the Orthodox rite of transporting souls to another world and bodies to earth is called funeral service. When it is not performed on the body of the deceased, it is called in absentia. Due to the impoverishment of piety, this type of funeral service is now the most common. But strictly speaking, it is permissible only in cases where the body of the deceased is not available for burial (fires, floods, wars, terrorist attacks). But, as a certain psalm says: “What you deserve, you get. What is the use of a funeral service when I have not lived for an hour in love and repentance?..."

— What should the relatives and friends of a missing person do if it is not known whether he is alive or not?

— If a person disappeared not so long ago, you need to order prayers to St. Martyr John the Warrior and Archangel Gabriel. They help find missing people, as well as missing things and other property.

— People often erect monuments and lay flowers on roads in places of fatal accidents. Is it correct?

- No, that's not right. On the contrary, this place must be sanctified by inviting a priest. After all, this place was desecrated by murder, the death of a person, that is, demons were present at this place, as a result of which the tragedy occurred.

— People often go to the cemetery on Easter Day. Is it worth following this folk custom?

- Christ rose (that is, came to life) from the dead, trampling death (disgracing, defeating), and giving life to those who were in the tombs (the dead). The time of Easter is a time of life, of resurrection, so on such days none of the Orthodox even think about cemeteries. There are no requiem services in the church throughout Easter week, and funeral services for those who died on these bright days are performed according to a special rite - Easter. Because everyone rejoices in the risen Savior of the world! But when Bright Week ends and Radonitsa comes (as people say - Easter for the departed), only then will we go to the cemetery - to congratulate our deceased relatives with prayer.

— Is it possible to lay wreaths on the grave?

— Wreaths made of artificial flowers, such as paper, cannot be laid. It is better to put one live flower on the grave than many artificial ones. After all, a living flower is a symbol of the general Resurrection, and a paper flower is deadness, a symbol of the fact that the dead will never rise again. Paper wreaths were started by atheists.

Prayer for the deceased is the sacred duty of every Christian. A great reward and great consolation awaits the one who, with his prayers, helps a deceased neighbor receive forgiveness of sins. For the All-Good Lord counts this act as righteousness and therefore, first of all, bestows mercy on those who show mercy, and then on the souls towards whom this mercy was shown. Those who remember the departed will be remembered by the Lord, and people will also remember them after they depart from the world.

Based on materials from Orthodox newspapers.

During the days of Great Lent, a time of repentance and prayer, several Saturdays are dedicated to the remembrance of the departed. We must remember our deceased loved ones not only on these days, but constantly. The priest of the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral, Fr. Roman Chadayev.

— What is more important on the day of remembrance of loved ones: visiting a cemetery or celebrating mass in a church?

On the day of remembrance of the deceased, first of all, you need to submit a note at the church for a proskomedia and order a memorial service. If possible, visit the cemetery. You can organize a memorial meal. It is also customary to do good deeds and give alms on the day of remembrance of the deceased.

—Who can you give alms to and how to do it?

Alms can be given to those who need it. To feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to visit the sick. This should not be done for show, but “in secret,” so that “the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing.”

— How often and on what days should you visit graves and what is advisable to do there?

It is advisable to visit cemeteries on the day of death of the deceased, as well as on birthdays, name days (Angel Day), parental Saturdays and Radonitsa. It is necessary to remember the deceased with prayer, to restore order at the grave. There you can ask the priest to serve a memorial service. .

— Why do people stand with candles in their hands at funeral services?

During the funeral service, four candles are placed on the four sides of the coffin, representing a cross. During burial, as well as at memorial services, those present hold candles, thereby symbolizing the Divine light with which a Christian is enlightened in baptism, which serves as a prototype of the future light.

— Do graves need to be decorated?

The best decoration for a Christian grave is a tombstone cross. The custom of placing crosses on the graves of the dead dates back to ancient times. It first appeared around the 3rd century in the East, in Palestine, and came to us along with the faith from Greece. The grave fence, the tombstone cross, and the place itself in the fence must be kept in good order and clean. This care is a natural manifestation in Christians of a sense of respect for the ashes of their ancestors and, in general, their neighbors who died in the faith.

Recorded by Irina Tatarina

https://eparhia.karelia.ru/

When should you seek help?

In an article for the non-profit organization HelpGuide, they name signs when you need to seek help:

• You feel that life is not worth living.
• I would like to die with my mother.
• Blame yourself for your mother's death.
• For several weeks now you have not felt connected to others, as if you were separated from them.
• You don't trust anyone after your mother's death.
• You cannot carry out your daily activities.

You can also ask for help, even if you are coping: just to make yourself easier and more comfortable.

Olga Shaveko

The loss of a loved one in itself is a reason to seek help. A psychologist or psychotherapist creates a safe space for emotions to live.

I would definitely advise starting work in the following cases: 1. If mom left a long time ago, and the amplitude of emotions does not decrease. 2. If when talking about mom, tears appear, breathing becomes difficult, and it’s difficult to speak. 3. If the grieving process is not so long, but it takes you out of life completely, you cannot work or do household chores.

You can find a specialist on websites and social networks in communities of psychologists: the Gestalt approach, the cognitive approach, systemic family therapy are suitable.

If you don’t have the money for an expensive specialist, you can turn to master’s students. These are people at the last stage of education, they also go to personal therapy and supervision and can provide qualified assistance.