Grief can befall every family. The anniversary of death is one of the mourning dates that you just need to get over. These days, all relatives remember the deceased with kind words, express their condolences, and share their experiences. As a rule, the anniversary of the death of a loved one is celebrated in a small, narrow family circle. Many people ask questions: how to remember the deceased correctly, what dishes to prepare for the table, what prayers to know and what to put in the church. Let's try to understand all these points from the point of view of Christian morality, which prevails over other religions. We'll start with a little historical background.
History of the Wake
Commemoration and meals on the occasion of the anniversary of the death of close relatives began from the time of the advent of Christianity in Rus'. The wake itself or remembrance is a mourning ritual during which they remember the deceased and honor his memory. Essentially, every religion has a funeral and memorial ritual. We will talk about Christian beliefs solely because this religion is the most widespread in Russia. However, according to Orthodox teachings, only baptized people can be commemorated. The Orthodox Church does not pray or commemorate suicides, unbaptized people, and all non-Orthodox and apostates. Christians commemorate all the dead in 3 stages: on the third day after death, on the ninth and fortieth days. The basis is a funeral lunch. During this ceremony, relatives, friends and acquaintances remember with kind words the deceased, his good deeds and deeds. On the day of the funeral, everyone can come to the cemetery, as well as sit at the funeral table. Without fail, the body of the deceased is taken to church or the funeral service is held at home. And for 9 days only close people are invited to the funeral table. Be sure to place a photograph of the deceased next to it, pour a glass of water and add salt and bread. It should be noted that they began to do this far before the adoption of Christianity in Rus'; in fact, this is a pagan tradition that has taken root to this day.
On the fortieth day after death, everyone can be invited, including those relatives and friends who could not come to the funeral. The meal turns out to be big. The same thing happens on the anniversary of death, when relatives and friends are called.
How to release feelings and find peace of mind?
There are certain stages that a loving child must go through when dad dies. They are very difficult and painful, but they must certainly be passed, otherwise it is impossible to comprehend all this correctly and come to understanding and forgiveness. Only by passing pain and mental anguish through your heart can you become wiser and more tolerant, learn to empathize and appreciate life. In the first days, when this irreparable loss happened, we are lost and feverishly looking for an answer to the question: “What to do if dad died?” The reluctance to believe in what has happened and the feeling of deep pain overwhelm us completely. We withdraw into ourselves, become sad and gloomy, surrender to the power of stress and fear of the future without a loved one. How to normalize your nerves and look at the misfortune that happened from a philosophical position?
Of course, if dad died, then it’s unlikely to remain indifferent and reasonable. For grief always takes us by surprise and makes us weak, extremely vulnerable. But we must admit that both the heart and soul need time to get used to this thought and realize the depth of the loss. Everyone goes through this path alone, because each person has their own individual reaction to stress. For this reason, some scream and sob at funerals, others cry helplessly, and still others withdraw into themselves. It is difficult to say which of these states is easier, because no one has yet been able to measure the degree of grief.
Christian traditions
We are used to celebrating Funerals on the 3rd, 9th and 40th day. But why does this happen? What does the Orthodox faith say about this? On the third day we commemorate the deceased in honor of the Resurrection of Christ, who ascended to heaven just on the third day after the crucifixion. The ninth day came to us from the Orthodox tradition of honoring angels who ask the Lord for remembrance for a deceased soul. The fortieth day is revered by Orthodox Christians in honor of the Ascension of Christ. It was before this period that it was generally accepted that the soul was in wanderings, looking for God. And this solution occurs precisely on the 40th day. It is then that the main thing happens - they determine the place of the soul before the Last Judgment. But a new life begins on the anniversary after death.
Change your attitude towards the situation
If you realize the need to change your attitude towards the situation, this will already be a step forward. The more of these steps are taken, the lighter it will become on the soul, the more pleasant it will be to feel the diversity of this imperfect, but such a beautiful world. To help those who want to let go of a deceased loved one and give him the opportunity to further advance along the path of perfection in another world, there are various psychological methods and techniques. Their use to calm the grieving person can not only alleviate his suffering, but also provide an incentive for further life.
Organization of the Funeral
On your death anniversary, you need to be well prepared. You need to notify in advance all the people you consider important to see at the funeral wake. As a rule, these are the closest people: relatives, friends, work colleagues. You need to decide exactly how many servings to set the table for. It is better to cook or order more food and give the leftovers to the poor and needy.
The first thing to do on the anniversary of death is to visit the grave of the deceased and lay flowers, you can light a lamp and read the funeral prayer. So, in order to properly organize a memorial anniversary, you will need:
- Invite all relatives of the deceased in advance;
- Determine the location of the funeral. This can be done at home or in a cafe;
- Go to church to order all the necessary church rituals;
- Visit the cemetery in the morning, lay flowers and read the funeral prayer;
- Help the poor.
Perhaps the main thing in all this is a sincere prayer for the soul of the deceased, which will help to find peace in the next world. Of course, it is better to order the Divine Liturgy in the church and attend it, together with other parishioners, ascend with words of sorrow and respect for the soul of the deceased.
Should I cry or not?
Many people condemn those relatives who outwardly look calm during the funeral. Who said that their grief is less than that of those who burst into tears? Everyone shows their grief in the way they know how. But at a time when dad has just died, you need to give free rein to your feelings. And the more emotional the outburst of grief, the easier it will be to subsequently let go of your loss. Tears and loud lamentations release negativity and alleviate the condition of the mourner. Every psychologist knows how difficult it is to deal with the grief of those people who have experienced this stress deep inside.
A person cries in situations when he is in pain and mentally distressed. And tears help him cope with stress. Having mourned the deceased properly, it becomes easier to accept his death and let him go to another world, where he will live forever. So tears as a stage are necessary and useful. After a violent manifestation of emotions, it is easier to find calm and pull yourself together.
Funeral dinner
Many people are interested in the following questions:
- What dishes are best to prepare for the anniversary of death;
- What devices are needed;
- The order of serving dishes;
- What and how to say;
- How to behave properly at the table during a funeral event.
The main thing here is to know for sure whether this day falls with a church holiday or fasting. If this happens, you need to adhere to church canons and prepare Lenten food. If a day on the Christian calendar allows you to eat meat dishes, then they can also be included in the funeral menu. Christian dogma says:
- You cannot remember the deceased with strong alcoholic drinks. After all, this is a day of remembrance and it is better to simply remember the good things about the deceased and talk about it with loved ones;
- It is forbidden to shout at the table, sort things out, talk about the deceased in an inappropriate tone or badly;
- It is better to watch a video of the deceased, a family album, share the feelings you experienced with your family and remember happy moments.
Just before sitting down at the table, the older adult man reads a prayer and thanks the deceased for all the good things. Lunch should start with kutia, which you need to eat 3 spoons. Please note that the only cutlery on the table is spoons. It’s better to cook kutya from grain. This is also a pagan tradition, symbolizing the Sunday of the soul.
Each housewife selects dishes for the funeral table according to her own taste. It is better that these are modest, lean dishes, without any special frills, and the food that the deceased loved most. Most often it is borscht or noodles for starters, potatoes with meat, boiled and fried fish, cabbage salads, cabbage rolls, etc. They cook a lot of compote, uzvar, and serve sweet drinks for children.
The number of dishes on the funeral table is not essential. After all, the main thing is not the decoration of the table, but the memory of the deceased, kind words and thoughts. After all, every person with whom fate brings us together teaches us something in one way or another. On a separate table you must place a photograph of the deceased with a black ribbon, a glass of water, salt and a piece of bread. From this day on, the soul of the deceased passes into the Kingdom of Heaven.
My dad died: what should I do?
Sometimes we thoughtlessly use what life has given us, enjoy family relationships, sometimes we are intolerant and selfish towards our parents and grandparents, we don’t think at all that they are not eternal and their time will come much earlier than ours. We will have to go through all the funeral procedures, experience all the bitterness of this loss, and as a result understand how missing those who left are. We will reproach ourselves for not fully demonstrating our love to those who have gone to eternal rest.
Having narrowed the topic of loss of loved ones to one parent, let's talk about how to come to terms with a difficult life test and move on when your beloved dad suddenly dies. Even when their father, with whom the relationship was not very close during his life, has passed away, the children still feel the loss and regret a lot. After all, if we were unable to establish relationships, then we are also partly to blame for this. What can we say when dad dies, who was a pride and an example to follow. Such grief is even more difficult to overcome.
When dad dies, it seems like you didn’t give him something during his lifetime. For example, they rarely saw each other, often forgot to call and just chat with their father, to show him their attention and care.
When dad died, guys try not to show emotions, but it’s just as difficult for them as it is for girls who have lost their fathers. The realization comes that nothing can be corrected. There is no way you can tell him about your love. At times we underestimate the role of parents in our lives and find out about it too late, sometimes even when we ourselves begin to need the care and attention of our children. This is how this world works and wisdom and understanding come with age. And while you are young, everything looks pretty rosy, and we live our lives without letting our fathers in.
Children, as a rule, have a more tender and open relationship with their mother. You can hug and kiss her, which many people do not allow themselves to do with their dad. Everyone knows a man's reserved character in terms of various sentiments. Therefore, we are embarrassed to express our feelings. And sometimes they are completely absent, and children cannot even imagine that fathers also have such feelings. And then this sad day came - dad died. His heart stopped beating, and he passed into the world of eternity. How to survive this grief? Especially when I was with him to the end. Memories constantly appear before our eyes and prevent us from enjoying life and paying enough attention to those who are alive and nearby, demanding our attention.
Behavior rules
On this day you need to dress in dark clothes, women cover their heads with black scarves, men wear jackets and suits. You should not speak loudly; at the table after prayer you can make a speech of gratitude, remember the kindness of the deceased, and recall some interesting incident from his life.
Don't start loud conversations or make trouble. This is why it is better not to drink alcohol. Give preference to Cahors or weak dry wines. If someone present is intoxicated, it is better to quietly take him out of the refectory or politely ask him to leave.
At the end of the day, it would not be a bad idea to give food from the table to the sick and poor. By such actions you will do good not only for the departed soul, but also for yourself. It’s never too late to become merciful and kind!
Psychics' opinion
According to clairvoyants and people with superpowers, loved ones who have passed on to another world feel calm when they know that everything is fine with us. And at least for the sake of their peace, we must master our feelings and learn to live on, love and rejoice again, smile and sing songs. In a word, curb your emotions and not be killed by the dead, but provide them with eternal good memory and bright memories. At the beginning of this path, it seems that if dad died, then it is shameful and simply impossible to continue to enjoy life. Yes, it is incredibly difficult, but it is possible. And we must strive for this, because life is already short enough to waste it so carelessly.
Pleasant memories and words are important for the deceased
If there is an afterlife, then it will be much more pleasant for dad to hear pleasant memories of himself than to feel your inconsolable grief and tears. You should not compare the degree of grief of different family members and assume that your grief is the deepest, while others have it more superficial. No one can read in the souls of people and evaluate spiritual feelings with material concepts and values. It’s better to focus on remembering the deceased easily and in the most partial way, because it’s not for nothing that the saying has been around for many centuries that you can only say good things about the dead or say nothing.
Documents for registration of inheritance for an apartment
In order to register an inheritance for your father’s apartment, you need to collect a certain set of documents, which includes:
- passport;
- father's death certificate;
- certificate from the passport office , which confirms the father’s last place of residence;
- birth certificate or paternity certificate;
- documents confirming ownership rights to inherited property: certificate of ownership, extract from the Unified State Register or Unified State Register, purchase and sale or privatization agreement;
- a certificate of cadastral value of real estate or an extract from the Unified State Register of Real Estate or a report on the market value of the apartment.
How to survive the death of your beloved dad - advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
The first piece of advice is to give yourself time to process the grief, and a few weeks or months is not enough. For a believer, questions of death are not common. The pain becomes unbearable for a person with weak religious foundations. He can concentrate on the accompanying negative feelings: resentment, anger. This is wrong, such behavior leads away from true faith, because the one who is offended, like the one who is offended, carries within himself a particle of God, which means that denial of any person is a sinful act. We need to be more tolerant towards the dead, including. They cannot answer, but they hear, and therefore they should talk more with the soul of the deceased, pray for it.
How to survive the death of your daughter's father, advice from a psychologist
Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna
Practical psychologist
Parents need to remain calm so as not to frighten the child. The father is very important for a girl, so you should be attentive to her feelings: - tell what happened (without details, understandable to the child), answer questions as honestly as possible; - you can cry together, but you should not throw a tantrum with uncontrolled expression of emotions and tears; - you can go somewhere together more often, do what your daughter likes, go for walks, but you don’t need to constantly overwhelm her feelings with entertainment.
Talk to loved ones
Talk more often with those who knew dad well, remember him with a kind word. It will be easier for you to live on if you learn to talk about him without tears and sadness, but with light sadness. When such a global and irrevocable event occurs as the death of a loved one, many things begin to be seen in a completely different light and take on a different emotional coloring. You begin to understand how petty and insignificant your quarrels and insults were against the backdrop of such a huge loss, and you feel sorry for the time and nerves spent on this. Forgive the deceased for all insults, visit his grave, ask for forgiveness for wrong behavior or insufficiently kind attitude towards him.
Don't face grief alone
Don’t try to deal with your grief alone - team up with other family members, share your experiences and thoughts, talk through situations, voice what you wanted to tell your dad during his lifetime and didn’t have time. At this difficult moment for the family, you can support each other and express into space everything that hurts and stirs your soul. In addition, the manifestation of love and care from other family members can partially replace the segment that your father occupied in your heart, and will demonstrate that you are not completely orphaned and there are people nearby who love and understand you, do not judge you for anything and fully empathize .
Don’t let feelings of guilt develop, no matter what the reason may be. Even if you quarreled every other day, this does not mean that you did not love him and you should reproach yourself for this. There is no need to delve into the past and look for situations in which you were wrong or too categorical, rude, intolerant - this is life and many situations happen in it for which we are sometimes ashamed later. It is important that you realized this and let it pass through your soul. Ask your father for forgiveness, light a candle for repose in the church and let go of this situation so that it does not destroy your soul.
