The death of a relative, friend or good acquaintance is always a grief. It happens that the feeling of loss is so strong that you no longer want to live. In reality, this is an abnormal phenomenon, a serious problem that needs a proper solution. The possibility and meaning of the future life of someone who has lost a loved one depends on this decision. So how do you cope with the death of a loved one?
Accept your feelings
In our culture, it is not customary to teach condolences.
Therefore, immediately after tragic events, you will hear many times from others that you need to hold on. But it’s normal to be sad, worry and suffer in this situation. Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
We are all different. That is why even in materials about the reaction of schoolchildren to grief they write that some children will ask for care, others will get angry, others will eat, others will cry, and others will fall into a stupor. The psyche copes (and fails) with the load in different ways.
Advice from psychologists
Following the advice of psychologists, the following steps will help you start a new life after the death of your spouse:
- continue a joint business that is important for the deceased spouse and achieve certain successes;
- master a new profession, start a new business, master new skills;
- go on a trip to places you have never been before;
- take care of your appearance and health for healthy longevity;
- participate in charitable causes, providing assistance to those in need of moral or material support.
One of the important tasks to solve is the fight against loneliness. Support from close friends or relatives through calls, walks together, and conversations on neutral topics will help you cope with it. Many people, after days of oppressive loneliness, get a pet.
Look for support in advance
There are days that will be especially difficult: birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates associated with the departed person. And it’s better to take care in advance to create an environment in which it will be a little easier for you to survive this time.
According to Adriana Imzh, it is important to remember that, despite some existing calendar (9 days, 40 days, year), each person experiences time in his own way: someone is able to face grief only after a few months, when the shock is released, and Some people are already fine by this time.
If grief lasts for several years, it means that the person is “stuck” in the experience. In a way, it’s easier this way - to die with the one you loved, to stop your world with him. But it’s unlikely that he wanted this for you.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
And of course, even those who try to move on with their lives have difficult days: when they remember something, have a flashback, or are simply “inspired by music.” It’s okay to cry, be sad, and remember – if that’s not what your whole life consists of.
In difficult situations, ask a friend for support or lock yourself in a room with a photo album and handkerchiefs, go to the cemetery, wrap yourself in your loved one’s favorite T-shirt, go through his gifts, take a walk where you loved to walk with him. Choose ways to cope with sadness that make you feel better.
How to cope with the death of a loved one?
Nikolai Chekhov. Young widow at her husband's grave
Only in the rarest cases is a person prepared in advance for the death of a loved one. Much more often, grief overtakes us unexpectedly. What to do? How to react? The story is told by Mikhail Khasminsky, head of the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya (Moscow).
What do we go through when experiencing grief?
When a loved one dies, we feel that the connection with him is broken - and this gives us extreme pain. It’s not the head that hurts, it’s not the arm that hurts, it’s not the liver that hurts, it’s the soul that hurts. And it is impossible to do anything to make this pain stop.
Often a grieving person comes to me for a consultation and says: “Two weeks have already passed, but I just can’t come to my senses.” But is it possible to come to your senses in two weeks? After all, after a major operation we don’t say: “Doctor, I’ve been lying there for ten minutes, and nothing has healed yet.” We understand: three days will pass, the doctor will take a look, then remove the stitches, the wound will begin to heal; But complications may arise, and some stages will have to be completed again. All this may take several months. And here we are not talking about physical trauma - but about mental trauma; it usually takes about a year or two to heal. And in this process there are several successive stages, which are impossible to jump over.
What are these stages? The first is shock and denial, then anger and resentment, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance (although it is important to understand that any designation of stages is conditional, and that these stages do not have clear boundaries). Some go through them harmoniously and without delay. Most often, these are people of strong faith who have clear answers to the questions of what death is and what will happen after it. Faith helps you go through these stages correctly, experience them one after another, and ultimately enter the stage of acceptance.
But when there is no faith, the death of a loved one can become an unhealed wound. For example, a person can deny a loss for six months, saying: “No, I don’t believe it, this couldn’t happen.” Or “get stuck” in anger, which can be directed at doctors who “didn’t save”, at relatives, at God. Anger can also be directed at oneself and produce a feeling of guilt: I didn’t love him, I didn’t say enough, I didn’t stop him in time - I’m a scoundrel, I’m guilty of his death. Many people suffer from this feeling for a long time.
However, as a rule, a few questions are enough for a person to deal with his feelings of guilt. “Did you really want this man to die?” - “No, I didn’t want to.” - “What then are you guilty of?” “I sent him to the store, and if he had not gone there, he would not have been hit by a car.” - “Okay, but if an angel appeared to you and said: if you send him to the store, this person will die, how would you behave then?” “Of course, I wouldn’t have sent him anywhere then.” - “What is your fault? Is it that you didn't know the future? Is it that an angel did not appear to you? But what does this have to do with you?
For some people, a strong feeling of guilt may arise simply because the passage of the mentioned stages is delayed for them. Friends and colleagues do not understand why he has been gloomy and taciturn for so long. This makes him feel uncomfortable, but he can’t help himself.
For some, on the contrary, these stages can literally “fly by”, but after a while the trauma that they have not lived through emerges, and then, perhaps, even experiencing the death of a pet will be difficult for such a person.
No grief is complete without pain. But it’s one thing when you believe in God, and quite another when you don’t believe in anything: here one trauma can be superimposed on another - and so on ad infinitum.
Therefore, my advice to people who prefer to live for today and put off the main life issues for tomorrow: do not wait for them to fall on you out of the blue. Deal with them (and yourself) here and now, look for God - this search will help you at the time of parting with a loved one.
And one more thing: if you feel that you cannot cope with the loss on your own, if there has been no dynamics in experiencing grief for a year and a half or two, if there is a feeling of guilt, or chronic depression, or aggression, be sure to consult a specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist.
Not thinking about death is the path to neurosis
Nikolay Yaroshenko. Funeral of the firstborn. 1893
Recently I analyzed how many paintings by famous artists are devoted to the theme of death. Previously, artists took on the depiction of grief and sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in the cultural context. There is no place for death in modern culture. They don’t talk about it because “it’s traumatic.” In reality, it is just the opposite that is traumatic: the absence of this topic in our field of vision.
If in a conversation a person mentions that someone has died, then they answer him: “Oh, sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.” Or maybe it’s just the opposite that you want! I want to remember the deceased, I want sympathy! But at this moment they distance themselves from him, try to change the subject, fearing to upset him or offend him. A young woman’s husband died, and her relatives say: “Well, don’t worry, you’re beautiful, you’ll get married.” Or they run away like from the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they don't know what to say. Because there are no condolences skills.
This is the main problem: modern man is afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, it was not passed on to him by his parents, and even more so by their parents and grandmothers, who lived during the years of state atheism. That’s why today many people cannot cope with the experience of loss on their own and need professional help. For example, it happens that a person sits right on his mother’s grave or even spends the night there. What causes this frustration? From not understanding what happened and what to do next. And on top of this all sorts of superstitions are layered, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, there are often children around who are experiencing grief, and adults with their inappropriate behavior can cause them irreparable mental trauma.
But condolences are a “shared illness.” Why bother with someone else’s pain if your goal is to make you feel good here and now? Why think about your own death? Isn’t it better to drive away these thoughts with worries, buy yourself something, eat deliciously, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death and the reluctance to think about it turns on a very childish defensive reaction in us: everyone will die, but I won’t.
Meanwhile, birth, life, and death are links of one chain. And it’s stupid to ignore it. If only because this is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we are faced with the death of a loved one, we cannot cope with this loss. Only by changing your attitude towards life can you correct a lot inside. Then it will be much easier to survive the grief.
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death
Vladimirov Ivan (1869-1947). Funeral
For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.
This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can bump into all kinds of people.
It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”
It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.
What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who don’t go to church, but they come in: they light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes, and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.
But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.
What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.
And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience of death to other people; this is also a big mistake.
So, if you are faced with a severe shock and come to the temple, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.
But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.
If a mentor dies...
People often get lost when they lose a person who was a teacher or mentor in their life. For some it is a mother or grandmother, for others it is a completely stranger, without whose wise advice and active help it is difficult to imagine their life.
When such a person dies, many find themselves at a dead end: how to live on? At the stage of shock, such a question is quite natural. But if his decision drags on for several years, it seems to me simply selfish: “I needed this person, he helped me, now he has died, and I don’t know how to live.”
Or maybe now you need to help this person? Maybe now your soul should work in prayer for the deceased, and your life should become embodied gratitude for his upbringing and wise advice?
If an adult has lost an important person who gave him his warmth, his participation, then it is worth remembering this and understanding that now you, like a charged battery, can distribute this warmth to others. After all, the more you give away, the more creation you bring into this world, the greater the merit of that deceased person.
If they shared wisdom and warmth with you, why cry that now there is no one else to do it? Start sharing yourself - and you will receive this warmth from other people. And don’t constantly think about yourself, because selfishness is the biggest enemy of the grieving person.
If the deceased was an atheist
In fact, everyone believes in something. And if you believe in eternal life, then you understand that the person who declared himself an atheist is now, after death, the same as you. Unfortunately, he realized this too late, and your task now is to help him with your prayer.
If you were close to him, then to some extent you are a continuation of this person. And now a lot depends on you.
Children and grief
Konstantin Makovsky. Funeral of a child in the village. 1872
This is a separate, very large and important topic; my article “Age-related characteristics of the experience of grief” is devoted to it. Until the age of three, a child does not understand what death is at all. And only at the age of ten the perception of death begins to form, like that of an adult. This must be taken into account. By the way, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh spoke a lot about this (personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and counselor).
Many parents are concerned about the question: should children attend a funeral? You look at Konstantin Makovsky’s painting “The Funeral of a Child” and think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at this? Why shouldn’t they stand there if adults explained to them that there is no need to be afraid of death, that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouted: “Oh, go away, don’t look!” After all, the child feels: if he is removed like this, it means something terrible is happening. And then even the death of a pet turtle can turn into a mental illness for him.
And in those days there was nowhere to hide children: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. This is natural when children attend a funeral service, mourn, learn to react to death, learn to do something constructive for the sake of the deceased: they pray, help at the wake. And parents often themselves traumatize the child by trying to shelter him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: “Dad went on a business trip,” and over time the child begins to take offense - first at dad for not returning, and then at mom, because he feels that she is not telling her something. And when the truth is revealed later... I have seen families where the child simply cannot communicate with his mother because of such deception.
One story struck me: a girl’s father died, and her teacher - a good teacher, an Orthodox person - told the children not to come near her, because she was already feeling bad. But this means traumatizing the child again! It’s scary when even people with pedagogical education, people of faith, do not understand child psychology.
Children are no worse than adults, their inner world is no less deep. Of course, in conversations with them, one must take into account the age-related aspects of the perception of death, but there is no need to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from trials. They need to be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults and never learn to cope with losses.
What does it mean to “experience grief”
To fully experience grief means turning black grief into a bright memory. After the operation, a suture remains. But if it is done well and carefully, it no longer hurts, does not interfere, does not pull. So it is here: the scar will remain, we will never be able to forget about the loss - but we will no longer experience it with pain, but with a feeling of gratitude to God and to the deceased person for being in our lives, and with the hope of meeting in the life of the next century.
Limit unpleasant contacts
In an already difficult time, you will most likely have to communicate with different people: distant relatives, family friends, and so on. And not all of them will be pleasant.
Limit unwanted contacts so as not to add negative emotions to yourself. Sometimes it’s better to communicate with a stranger on the Internet than with your second cousin, simply because he understands you and she doesn’t.
But, according to Adriana Imzh, it is still worth accepting condolences, since in our culture it is simply a way to give you space to grieve.
Yes, perhaps these people do not experience loss the same way as you. But they understand that you are sad. They recognize that the person has died, and that is important. This is better than when no one cares and you are not allowed to experience your emotions.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
How to communicate with people you can't communicate with →
Signs when you should seek help
Here are a few signs that you should seek help from a psychologist, and possibly a psychiatrist, to prescribe antidepressants. These signs are normal for the first stage of grief, but if more than six months have passed and they do not go away and/or increase, you should seek help:
- When you can't cry at all. Tears are needed not only for psychological release, they remove stress hormones from the body; if you lock up emotions and do not give them a way out, this can in the long run lead to serious physical diseases such as heart attack, stroke, problems with the digestive system, chronic muscle pain .
- You have a constant loss of energy and low mood. As we said, for the first stage of grief this is absolutely normal and natural, but as time passes, strength and mood should gradually return to normal levels. If this does not happen, this condition may indicate depression and require the use of antidepressants.
- The dream has changed. You are haunted by insomnia or, conversely, irresistible drowsiness. It could also be a sign of depression
- Appetite has changed. Refusal to eat or the inability to stop eating is also a symptom of depression.
- Social isolation. At first, withdrawal and reluctance to communicate are normal, but over time, persistent refusal of society, especially if you previously liked to be in company, is a reason to talk about it with a psychologist
- Refusal to take care of yourself is also a sign of depression
- Suicidal thoughts. If you clearly understand that life will never be the same and the best way out is to end it once and for all, immediately consult a psychiatrist.
Important If trouble has befallen your loved one, and you observe any of the above in him, convince him to seek help.
Don't be surprised by your fears and worries
We know that we are mortal. But the loss of a loved one usually sharpens the understanding that this can happen to anyone. Sometimes this leads to numbness, increases the fear of death, an understanding of the meaninglessness of life, or, conversely, causes a painful thirst for life, sex, food or adventure. There may be a feeling that you are living wrong, and a desire to change everything.
Give yourself time before you do anything. In therapy, this is called the 48-hour rule, but in the case of a severe loss, the wait can last longer.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
Most likely, the idea of shaving your head, leaving your family and going as a freelancer to the Seychelles is not the only one. Let it settle, and then act if the desire is still there. Perhaps in a couple of days it will change somewhat.
How awareness of death can change your life →
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
Drink less alcohol
Sometimes alcohol seems like the answer to all problems. But getting drunk and forgetting is a short-term way to deal with them. Alcohol is a powerful depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system.
People who drink alcohol cope worse with stress and make more destructive decisions. It is also important to remember that sugar (it is found in both sweets and alcohol) increases the experience of stress, so it is better to refrain from consuming it.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
How long is too long?
I remember telling someone I was having a hard day about five weeks after my partner drowned. “Why, what happened?” - asked my interlocutor. “Well, Matt died,” I replied. "Oh yes! Does this still bother you?
Still worrying. Yes. In five days, five weeks, five years.
When I talk to someone who has experienced loss in the last two years, I always say, “This just happened. Just a minute ago. Of course, you’re still in pain.” I physically feel how my interlocutor feels better.
We are accustomed to the idea that any serious condition should last a maximum of two months. Exceeding this period is regarded as simulation. As if the loss of a loved one is just a temporary inconvenience, a minor nuisance, something you shouldn’t be upset about for a long time.
Don't be ashamed to keep living
Someone close to you died, but you continue to live, and this is normal. Quite often we have a false sense of injustice: he died too young, he died before me, he died because of nonsense.
But the truth is that death is a part of life. We all come to die, and no one knows how long or how he will live. Someone left, someone remained to keep the memory of those who left.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
It can be difficult to lead a normal lifestyle and learn to smile and be happy again. Don't rush yourself if it doesn't work out yet. But this is precisely the direction we need to move, says Adriana Imzh.
Not just because the one you lost would probably want it. But also because this is what makes any life, including the life of a deceased person, important: we honor his memory, respect his path, and do not make his death a weapon of self-destruction.
Background
One night my grandfather became ill and I called an ambulance for him. And then the doctors made a terrible diagnosis. My grandfather had terminal cancer. One could try to perform an operation, but he would not survive. His strength quickly left him. We took grandpa home and took care of him. They bought medicines that did not help him, but kept him alive as much as possible.
For a month I watched his suffering, and my heart was torn from pain. This was a big shock for me, from which I could not recover for a whole year.
I knew that grandfather would die, but it is impossible to prepare for this. A person will never come to terms with death, and it will always cause severe pain, no matter how much time is given to say goodbye.
Inappropriate pseudo-help phrases
Sometimes people get confused when talking to those who have recently lost a loved one. At the same time, phrases inevitably slip through that are best avoided in such cases. In addition, inappropriate remarks are usually made by tactless, ill-mannered, indifferent people. When a grieving person does not know how to cope with the pain of loss, you should not say the following phrases when talking to him:
- “time heals, tomorrow you will forget about everything”;
- “I warned you, there was no need to do this, this is what it led to - (name) died”;
- “the deceased suffered, death freed him”;
- "he got what he deserved."
These and similar phrases hint that the loss is minor and, moreover, could have been avoided. Anyone who expresses condolences in this way often tries to point out the shortcomings of the deceased, which should not be done. They don't speak badly about the dead.
