Is there love
Believers enter into marriage for love. They believe that love is given by God at the very beginning. This is a charge that allows you to live for many years with ease and a pleasant feeling in your soul.
“There is only emptiness around...”: how to understand that your soul is tired (and not your body)
“This is if a man doesn’t have a wife”: children answer the question of what happiness is
An epidemiologist said whether re-vaccination with Sputnik V is possible
Believers believe that it is important to always remember that love is a job that gives joy. Every family sooner or later experiences periods of crisis. At such moments, it is important to communicate, find compromises, and maintain romance in the relationship.
Love is limitless. She has no limits. If people don't try to nurture it, there will be a ticking time bomb in the marriage. The wife will gradually withdraw into the children, and the husband will be busy only with his work. As time passes, the spouses will understand that they are strangers and know practically nothing about each other.
Is it necessary to change the canons for such a situation?
Of course, we are talking about two fundamentally different situations here. Remarriage for widowed Christians is expressly permitted in Scripture, it is in no way immoral, there is no injustice or offense to anyone, so talking about this innovation requires a completely separate context and completely separate arguments.
Much more controversial is the permission for a second marriage if the wife has left the priest. Of course, ideally we are talking about a situation where the priest is completely innocent - he can only be reproached for the carelessness with which he warmed the snake on his chest. For example, a girl married a seminarian, having read anti-clerical works about the countless priestly treasures, and having found out that church mice are not the richest segment of the population, she ran to look for treasures somewhere else. Happens.
But is it necessary to change the canons for such a situation? Hardly. There is a concept of oikonomia - when, in a specific non-standard situation, leniency towards a specific human need is allowed.
The difference between oikonomia and change of canons can be illustrated by the following example. Let's say your employee steals. You can follow the law and send him to prison. But you may examine the situation carefully and decide that this is a generally honest person who has fallen into despair because his child is seriously ill and needs an unconscionably expensive medicine. You can get into his position and find some way out. This is oikonomia. However, if you discover that the ban on theft itself has been canceled due to the fact that it upsets many good people, has broken many destinies and is generally inappropriate in our enlightened times - this is a revision of the canons.
Whether, after careful consideration, it is possible to make exceptions if the man is proven not to be guilty, and the woman is such a viper, is an open question, and I am inclined to think that it is possible.
But revising the canon means creating grave injustice in relation to women.
Because “the wife left” can mean quite different situations - from the case of a truly warmed snake to a poor woman with many children who was forced by her unworthy husband to flee - and such cases are completely real. That is, formally it was she who fled and left - but in fact she is the victim.
Is divorce possible?
Future priests take a very responsible approach to choosing a life partner. The thing is that after marriage, divorce is impossible. If the priest does decide to leave his wife, he will not be able to marry anyone again. He will have to live alone for the rest of his days. If he wants to marry again, his rank will be removed. He will become a layman.
A simple way to grow a new flower from the stump of a wilted orchid
Planets with hidden oceans beneath their crust could be habitable
Scientists from the Urals and India have created an edible film from seaweed
In some families of priests, if the spouses have lost interest in each other, they continue to live together, but refuse intimate relationships. The spouses begin to perceive each other as brother and sister.
Lay people can get divorced. Even after the wedding, spouses who do not want to keep the family together can obtain permission to remarry.
Mother Anna Zhuravleva: “Divorce became a bitter medicine for my husband and me”
Just 10 years ago, according to statistics, every third marriage broke up, and today it’s already every second. Divorces of married people have become more frequent. Tragedy can happen in any family, regardless of the number of years lived together and the age of the spouses.
Sometimes it seems that it’s easier to finally give up everything and stop tiresome arguments forever than to adapt and change your habits to please another person. And sometimes relationships dramatically change their nature under the influence of unforeseen circumstances from the outside, and free choice turns into the mournful crampedness of dependence.
Whatever the reasons that lead spouses to divorce, the result is disappointed hopes, a wounded heart and a long road to recovery.
But it also happens: after living separately, a husband or wife comes to the understanding that the decision, the correctness of which they were so sure of, no longer seems so obvious and the only possible one. And the point of no return turns out to be not a point at all, but an ellipsis...
Is it possible to fix something after “the patient has already died”? Forget grievances, betrayal, regain lost happiness, enter the same river a second time? The authors and hosts of the social project “Between Us,” Natalya Kruchinina and Victoria Mogilnaya, asked these questions to a person who knows about divorce first-hand— Anna Zhuravleva , the wife of Archpriest Alexander Zhuravlev, shared her story with us. Anna and Alexander dated for three and a half years before the wedding, and a year after the wedding, the family broke up - the couple officially divorced.
As a rule, the priest's family is treated with great prejudice. On the one hand, it is closed and surrounded by a halo of sacredness, and on the other - “they are people too”! People from whom holiness and sinlessness are expected already here and now. Therefore, your willingness to open up about your personal life may be perceived differently by readers, and we are very grateful for your willingness to speak candidly. Our first question: to what extent is divorce a final sentence? ?
I think that divorce becomes a final verdict when both spouses perceive it as such, if they both draw a final line under it. If there remains at least one who believes that they tied the knot, promising each other before God to always be together, that the sacrament of marriage is forever, if this inner faith remains in at least one spouse, then everything is possible. Through prayer, through faith. Not immediately, of course, but an understanding comes of who was wrong and what and whether it is still possible to somehow correct your mistakes.
Then it turns out that divorce becomes a decision not to live as we lived before?
At that moment, the divorce for me was more of an impetus to reconsider something, to understand what exactly required changes... I was very scared - why did the trouble hit out of the blue? On top of that, I was also six months pregnant...
Despite the fact that I grew up in an unbelieving family, I had unconditional faith in the inviolability of marriage. I sacredly believed in everything that was said in the prayers of the wedding sacrament. I perceived the fact that my husband should be the only one for life as an absolute norm. Therefore, the divorce that happened so suddenly, and not with an ordinary person, but with a priest, marriage with whom seemed to guarantee that we would never get away from each other, was unexpected and terrible for me.
Who made the fateful decision?
Whose decision was it to get a divorce? It was my husband's decision. But I never stopped feeling that this person was close to me, that I loved him. In general, our relationship has always developed this way - no matter how we quarreled or argued, everything that happened in words did not touch or damage the great feeling that was and is between us. We could disagree, but still remain family. And that was the main thing I had left at that moment. Of course, there was resentment and disappointment, but at the same time there was always love and hope that we would be together. I even thought then that perhaps this would happen when we were already old, when a certain path had been passed and suddenly he would understand what I was like...
But everything happened very quickly. Relatively, of course. We dated for three and a half years before we got married, then got married and divorced nine months later. After the divorce, we did not live together for two years, and then, just as unexpectedly for me, we reconciled...
Perhaps youth was to blame?
I think, yes. We couldn't get used to each other at all. In addition, we lived with my parents. And the mother-in-law saw her son’s career differently - she didn’t think that he would become a priest. Plus, the fact that my husband became a priest three months after we got married played a huge role. The sacrament of ordination itself is a difficult test in the life of any priest, it seems to me. Suddenly, from a simple person, he turns into someone whose hands are kissed in the literal sense of the word. A young seminarian at the age of 23 comes to the parish, where all the people, even if they are rural grandmothers, suddenly direct all their views, thoughts and feelings towards him. And the priest, naturally, becomes a particularly important person... And his wife is waiting for him at home, who has not yet had time to comprehend and comprehend what happened to her young husband and how to build relationships in a new way.
He doesn’t kiss hands, but he can indicate in an ultimatum form where to put the socks...
Yes, and this is perceived as disrespect, reproach, nagging. And now, sometimes, my husband says to me: “It’s so good that I have you!” Because you are saying something that no one can tell me. Sometimes I don’t even admit it to myself. And you say, and I understand that something needs to be done about this...”
How many years do you think it takes to be married to reach this understanding?
We have been living together for 20 years. And understanding did not come nine months after the wedding. As Archimandrite John Krestyankin said: “Whoever a person begins to build a family life with, he will go through periods of trial. After all, there is no ready-made happiness... Happiness must also be cultivated patiently and with much effort on both sides.”
You dated for three and a half years, and probably both understood that marriage was once and for all?
To be honest, we didn't fully understand. It feels like it all ended with the wedding only because these three and a half years should have ended somehow. We no longer had, so to speak, feelings “on the rise”, and maybe that’s why we didn’t have enough passion for falling in love later...
What, in your opinion, is better: to date for a long time and get married because the time has come, or do you still need bright feelings, love?
Everything is purely individual, but I am absolutely sure that no marriage will survive without trials. And it doesn’t matter when a person is faced with a choice - during the period of falling in love, nine months after the wedding or 20 years later. The Lord sends it to everyone at the right moment. In order for a revaluation of values to occur, so that we reach a new level of relationships and understanding that we live together not because there is nothing to do and nowhere to go, but because we love!
And, perhaps, now we love even more, and what happened is no longer so exciting, because something new has appeared between us, for which I love this person and why I want to be with him.
Did anyone close to you support you in difficult moments after your divorce?
Certainly. First of all, mom. She endured my worries, was sensitive to my pregnancy, prayed during childbirth, and after the birth of Theodosius she became the best grandmother. At that time, my mother was deputy dean of the pedagogical faculty of the Kyiv Pedagogical Institute. The biggest challenge for her was the morning separation from her little grandson. My seventeen-year-old brother, who became Feodosius’s godfather, helped iron the diapers and took the newborn godson to communion in the St. Cyril Church in an old Cossack.
I had a grandmother who contemplated all this from the outside, you know? She was an unbeliever, but a very decent and cultured person, “blue blood,” as they say. Grandmother had a conversation with the rector of the Kyiv Theological Academy and Seminary. Of course, she asked how Father Rector saw the situation. After my grandmother’s conversations with the rector, my husband had to answer more than once to his superiors about the motives for his actions. But the relationship between us did not improve. Why am I saying this? No form of coercion, even from the highest authorities, will work in such situations until the person himself rethinks everything.
There was such an amazing incident. A priest comes up to me in church and says: “Go to the Lavra now.” Why should I suddenly go to the Lavra? But you know, when everything hurts so much inside, then you listen to any sign from God, you are ready to come to terms with any circumstance, just to feel hope again. And the baby and I went to the Lavra, where in the garden near the metropolis we met His Beatitude Vladimir (Sabodan). I approached him: “Good morning, Vladyka, this is the situation, I am left alone with the child, my husband is a priest, it’s so hard that I have no strength.” And the bishop answered so calmly: “Nothing, nothing, be patient, be patient.” That's all. Then the priest said that Vladyka called him to him, and he was the only person who did not denounce him, did not scold him, did not say that if you do not return, you will not see the candidate’s degree. He simply said - just think about it. And the Bishop’s prayer for us, I think, played an important role in this whole story.
How did you make up?
Suddenly. One mother I know told me that I need to pray, I need to pray very hard. How can prayer help? In my life I saw this firsthand, with my own eyes. I think the scenario of our reconciliation could take twenty years, and prayer... it speeds up events. We seem to compress time, and everything around us begins to move faster.
I prayed to the Mother of God, and on the eve of the official divorce there was such a moment. I lit our wedding candles and with great trepidation read the akathist to the Protection of the Mother of God. I pray and think: “What if he just doesn’t love me? Could this be the case? Why should he step over himself and live with a person he doesn’t love? And who can make him love? And suddenly such a desperate thought: “Lord, he’s my husband! I don’t ask anything more from you, only this - make him love me! Because I love him as a husband, and I would like him to love me the same!”
And I am sure that He heard me then. I remember being depressed from just the memory of how my husband looked at me then - this is the look of a person who already doubts you. It’s scary when you feel it, you don’t even need to say that they don’t love you. You just look into the eyes and you understand it. And today, every day, I look into eyes that do not doubt and cover with their love even what I am objectively guilty of... This means that this love came, and it could not come right away - just like that.
Was it hard to forgive?
Yes. Although we immediately agreed that we would forget everything that happened before and draw the line. Because there is always a residue... After the breakup, the relationship was built from scratch. In order to somehow establish a relationship and mutual understanding among ourselves, we agreed that we would build our relationship only together. At least for some time we do not take into account outside opinions. Even parents.
Now I talk about this calmly, I have no resentment, I understand that the relationship that we built after the divorce is much more valuable and better. I don’t even know if they would have become qualitatively different if we had not endured wandering around in circles of this whole nightmare.
Who took the first step?
Father. He came for his son’s second birthday, walked in with a huge toy dog and simply, without any explanation, asked: “Have you been with Theodosius this year at the relics of St. Theodosius of Chernigov?” I answer: “No, we never were.” And he says: “Well, that means we can go to the saint on Friday, if you agree.” And already when we were with Theodosius of Chernigov, he invited me to move in with him and live together. All.
And then the hardest part began. Everyone turned on me. Mom, relatives, everyone who watched my suffering from the sidelines. They told me that I had lost all shame and pride, I was trampled, and I...
And you?
I didn't care at that moment. The main thing is that he called me. The only one who supported me was my dad, who was then working in Khanty-Mansiysk, and when I called, he said: “Anya, now everyone will tell you that this is impossible, but you must do what your heart feels. If you love him, leave everything, leave. If you don’t love it, then listen to your grandmother and mother.” Dad didn’t know the whole situation then, but he foresaw that I would be faced with a choice. Thank God, then everything changed.
How many years passed before there was peace in the family? Complete, real?
Well, we have a very decent family. In our country, anyway, there has never been a showdown; there is always something left unsaid (laughs). To tell a person to his face that you are a scoundrel - this never happens with us. It’s just that my father’s behavior began to change so much that over time, relatives began to tell my mother: “We still can’t believe that this is that person.” Today, Father is a model for our entire family—a husband, a father, and a priest.
Is it possible to say that, after all, family and relatives often give not very correct advice, which can subsequently negatively affect the relationship of young people?
Certainly. I even sometimes notice to myself that I behave differently with my husband in the presence of my mother. When a woman’s mother is next to her, it gives her confidence that you are not alone, there is someone to protect you.
Do you feel supported?
Yes Yes. Although in fact this worsens the relationship, because the husband immediately feels some kind of cooling - it’s as if she is no longer my wife, she is a daughter. And, secondly, after all, being Christians, we say that husband and wife are one flesh. And if they are one flesh, then they intuitively feel each other without words. Whether by his gestures or facial expressions, you understand what needs to be said now, your winks are intimate in nature, you have contact, there is mutual understanding. And when mom is nearby, there will be no such contact. You don't use it, you just speak and act directly. And all the flair evaporates, only dry answers remain.
And that's why you started living separately?
Yes, I moved with my son to the last village in the Kyiv region on the border with Chernigov region. We had a house, a toilet outside, a well... And the priest had a parish.
Reminds me of the journey of the wives of the Decembrists...
In fact, it was an advance of happiness. I really wanted to bring comfort and build my own family home. Everything was new, the only thing missing in this paradise was a piano. In such conditions, our second son, George, was born. Our first renovation in that hut is the most memorable. We simply stripped everything off, then “plastered” the top with a kostritsa (I now know what a kostritsa is - these are flax sawdust that are mixed with clay). We hung wallpaper for six rubles, light-colored - not a single stain, painted old kitchen cabinets white, nailed shelves for clay pots and hooks for fresh towels... It was a feeling of happiness! This was our very first and most memorable renovation. After this there were many repairs, but we never experienced such happiness during this activity.
Do your children know that you broke up?
Yes, the children know. I can’t say that we told them everything right away; there was no need for that. Feodosius, thank God, did not remember anything and did not notice how dad appeared in his life at the age of two. He immediately accepted it, as if it had never disappeared. Although my son called my dad “dad-grandfather,” because I call my dad “dad.” Later, when our Georgy, Frosya and Ilyusha were born and grew up, we told the children that our relationship had gone through trials, but, again, there was no feeling of resentment left between us; for us, this was rather a positive and instructive example of overcoming difficulties.
Is it possible then to say that if a similar experience has occurred in life, then it is better to refrain from certain words, so as not to remember, not to dig up the past?
There is only one thing needed - to forgive unconditionally.
How if it hurts a lot? Or is it a special talent to forgive?
You don't need any special talents here. When you go to confession and receive forgiveness, you know and feel His mercy. How can you not forgive a person for his mistakes if you yourself have now been written off? It's easier to forgive and move on.
Which of you found it harder to forgive?
It was harder for me because they left me, and even pregnant. But his repentance, his awareness of guilt, in my opinion, covered all my resentment. And, seeing my willingness not to remember bad things, my husband, in turn, forgave me. You know, as they say, the only way to get good is to be the first to do good. That's the only way to get it. The only way to ensure that your husband is not offended is to not be offended by him yourself.
That is, always remain silent?
Why? There are situations when not saying everything at once is a crime. Otherwise, once you were silent, another time you were silent, you carry dissatisfaction inside, carry it, and suddenly the moment comes when you are asked about some little thing, for example, do you want coffee, and you explode: “I don’t want anything anymore!” And it turns out that the indignation will still come out, you won’t even be able to predict the situation, but here it is—that’s all.
Accumulated grievances do not go away. Another thing is what we are offended by. After all, recognizing the otherness of another person and not reshaping him to fit your standards is the most difficult thing. We probably spent five years learning to pronounce correctly, without shouting, what worries us.
We learned to listen and hear each other. It seemed to my husband that in order to maintain a good relationship, it is better not to speak out loud about your complaints, about what worries you, it is better to remain silent. It took us five years to learn to talk about what you want to “keep silent” about. Confession helped me with this, because I was unable to express my torment to my husband in broad daylight. Could have offended.
There is an unspoken rule in church ethics: mother does not confess to the priest, otherwise she might “skid at a dangerous turn.” Is not it?
We addressed this question to several authoritative priests, we even visited Optina Pustyn, and they clearly told me: confess to your husband. Perhaps this was said specifically for our family.
How did confession help me? With my sincerity - and in confession a person cannot hide even his thoughts - I showed that I have no bias, I have no desire to annoy my husband, offend, tease, I have only one desire - to establish normal relationships. So that there is trust, so that there is mutual understanding. Therefore, my confessions to my priest husband are hands raised in the air. That is, I am unarmed. We talked about everything that could not be passed by indifferently. The rest was covered with condescension, thereby learning generosity.
Would it be fair to say that in your case divorce was a bitter medicine?
Yes, today I admit it. But at that moment, when I was alone, it hurt. Very painful. Disappointment burned everything inside. I was sure that marriage with a seminarian is a 100% guarantee, and you can relax and sit with your legs dangling. Probably, here we need to remind girls who dream of the honorary title of mother: they will have to work on any relationship, and to the death. And a priest is not a celestial being, but a living person.
Mother, we know that your family with your father is simply gushing with various church and social projects...
I never tolerate indifference in anything. I think this way: either don’t do it, or do it with enormous inner dedication. If we do something together, and we actually do everything together with the priest, we are very demanding of each other. This applies to all projects in our parish. It would have been very difficult for him alone, but my pedagogical education came in handy.
We sit at night and invest in every children's holiday or write out a work plan for a children's camp. We write down everything down to the smallest detail, every word that we will pronounce.
Are you second fiddle?
Scripts, writing of any kind, organizing lessons and holidays are part of my profession as a music teacher. Therefore, sometimes you may get the impression that I am “in charge.” But that's not true! I myself, without him, am nothing. No matter what ideas I come up with, no matter what the highest quality product I produce, I have nowhere to put it. And only because I am with my husband, any business makes me happy. It’s not so important for me to realize myself. It is important to realize yourself next to him. I have the impression that if he weren't there, there would be no point in doing anything at all.
That is, you do not assert yourself in front of each other?
Absolutely not. I am very grateful to my husband that he never humiliated me in this way - you are a woman, sit and be silent, a spineless creature, and I am the head here and will rule our world. He does not force me to be weak, but his kind attitude towards me, understanding and generosity gives me the opportunity to be weak. Even if the priest feels that I want to show him now how smart and reasonable I am, he allows me to do this, and at the same time, it touches him. He has nothing to fear and prove to himself that he is in charge by belittling me. After all, he is already the head! Father, right at the service, in the presence of parishioners, can consult with me regarding the next service or trip to the Lavra.
Then “let a woman remain silent in the Church”—what is this about?
This is about the fact that a woman has no brakes, probably. Of course, I can only judge by myself. I am not silent in Church - I sing in the choir, ring the bells, hold conversations with children, share interesting literature for sermons with my husband, and prepare a parish newspaper for publication. While the priest is confessing an hour and a half before communion, I read interesting articles and facts from the lives of saints aloud in the choir in order to hold attention and help people not to get distracted by their thoughts during the service.
Am I silent in Church? Yes, within the limits. But give me freedom - wow, how far it can take me! The emotional nature of a woman is such that it is difficult for her to restrain herself. The Lord knew about this, so he set the framework.
At home, silence can generally cause alienation between spouses. It is in communication, in joint work and rest, in mutual assistance even in simple everyday duties that that feeling of friendship and intimacy is born that preserves the love of spouses for many years.
Thank you very much for the honest and deep conversation!
What happens after mother's death
After the death of mother, the priest also cannot marry a second time. If he has children, he devotes his life to them. Some priests become monks.
If, after the death of his mother, the priest falls in love with another woman, he will be faced with a difficult choice between rank and family life. By choosing the second option, the man will need to find a new job that is not related to the church.
Features of Father and Mother
Spouses are required to keep the commandments of God. Mother can work anywhere at will, but at the same time some restrictions will be imposed on her work activity. For example, working as a gynecologist, she will not have to perform abortions, since taking a person’s life (even if he has not yet been born) is a sin. Some priests also point out that the spouse does not have the right to sell vodka or work at a distillery.
Bringing the rose bush back to life after winter: how to properly reanimate flowers
A cold turned out to be able to partially suppress the coronavirus: scientists’ conclusions
St. Petersburg and other regions with the largest increase in crime in 2020
Mothers, as a rule, help their husbands. Many teach Sunday schools and edit or write articles for church newspapers and magazines. There are also those who sing in church. Often parishioners turn to mothers on any issue.
A priest can also have an additional part-time job in some civilian specialty. But for this he must obtain permission from spiritual authority. Work should not distract him from performing his duties as a priest.
Various entertainment events and visits to cinemas deserve special attention. Each priest builds his own life. For example, some people have nothing against bowling because it can be compared to a sport. However, for a priest, the main criterion should be a sense of proportion. It is important to remember that the presence of a priest in any entertainment establishment can become a temptation for other people. In such situations, not only the reputation of the priest suffers, but that of the entire church.
Any permission will be accepted much more widely
The norm, which opens up the very possibility of a second marriage after the wife’s escape, is a temptation to organize such an escape. And the priest faces much greater temptations than the mother. Mother is not surrounded by attractive young men who admire her, express deep affection for her and constantly seek communication with her. This priest is surrounded by parishioners who can easily cross the not entirely clear line between sisterly, daughterly and already somewhat romantic feelings. He inevitably works with people, some of whom are attractive women, and is constantly faced with the temptation to think that one of them could be a much better wife for him than the tired, overweight and sometimes dissatisfied woman who is waiting for him at home.
And in this situation, to assure him that, in fact, it is quite possible to take a new wife if the old one runs away for some reason, means creating a temptation and placing an additional burden on human frailty.
In any case, a woman is more vulnerable during a divorce, and a priest’s wife is especially vulnerable.
She often has many children, has no secular profession and, unlike the priest, a wide circle of acquaintances of the opposite sex. With any formulation of the rules, its interests, as the more vulnerable party, must be taken into account first of all - and the approach under discussion hits precisely at it.
Photo: Misha Maslennikov / Flickr
Moreover, as is already evident, people interpret the decision of the Synod as permission to simply leave their wives. As one of the commentators writes, “how can you force someone to live with an unloved person! This is torture! It’s disgusting when a person cannot continue his ministry if he loves another!”
Any permission, alas, will be perceived much more widely than originally intended - such is the depravity of human nature.
Where should the children of a priest study?
The children of a priest do not have to attend an Orthodox school. It all depends on the wishes of the parents. Some priests and mothers decide to send their children to a secular educational institution. Such people understand that the child is influenced by the school, the environment, and the street.
However, family plays a major role. It is impossible to raise a child with words. The task of parents is to create a favorable family atmosphere in the house and demonstrate all rules of behavior by personal example.
Found a violation? Report content
