Why do I need a family?
Of course, there are a lot of mistakes at the stages of building relationships. One of the common ones is due to the fact that starting a family is very often seen as an end in itself. People strive at any cost to get the attention of this or that person, to marry him, to have him with them in the form of that same eternal source of happiness. And the whole meaning of life begins to gradually come down to achieving this goal. But it shouldn't be like that. Firstly, you cannot create an idol for yourself out of your potential other half; happiness cannot be built on this. Secondly, this way you can become psychologically dependent on a person, and any dependence is a manifestation of fear.
Fear of loneliness, fear of something new, fear of losing the old, losing comfort... And where there is fear, there is no love. Thirdly, a relationship with a person may not work out, he will leave - and then what will you be left with? Your whole world will simply collapse, into the creation of which so much effort was invested.
Photo: Natalia Fedorova
In general, everything that we invent for ourselves, everything that we create, has one property - limitation. And the limited always has both a period of flourishing and a period of attenuation, decay, with all the ensuing consequences. No need to bet on it. The goal for a Christian should always be Christ. And our other half is not a source of happiness, but only a means of achieving it. A means to reach God. And this tool must be used correctly.
The family will have to turn a blind eye to many things. Family happiness is when you have selective hearing, selective vision, a short tongue and a constant smile on your face. And the right attitude towards difficulties. In family relationships there is generally no protection from misfortune other than faith in God. When you understand that your problems are not fatal, that they, like the person who is nearby, are only a means of reaching Christ, then you are not subject to wounds. Subject to trials, but not to wounds. And fear too.
Why doesn't anything work out?
At the beginning of a relationship, we often make the mistake of dreaming about how wonderful life together will be. In these dreams, people can already decide everything for themselves, write a script, determine a role for the other half, make an offer to her and get consent... In other words, imagine themselves as one with a person who has not yet decided anything for themselves. As a result, all these dreams fail completely. After all, the other person also has freedom of choice, he is not obliged to play according to your scenario. Therefore, until everything is finally decided, do not entrust your heart to him or her, do not build dreams of a future together. He is not yours yet, you are not his, and you have not agreed on anything yet. Falling in love is a time to take a closer look at each other, a moment of choice, this is God’s opportunity to unite you or not to unite you together. This stage passes, and if suddenly your paths diverge, let them diverge painlessly, without emotional consequences.
For the same reason, the Church warns against physical intimacy before marriage. Physical intimacy is not a stage of testing a partner, but a moment of absolute trust in each other, the final stage of rapprochement. If you are not yet married, not united by God, then you do not belong to each other yet. Perhaps you will decide that you do not need to be together, and then it will be doubly difficult to part. Why make the situation worse?
And breaking up can really be very difficult, especially if this decision is not mutual. During courtship, people look closely, see something special in each other, but then disappointment may set in or simply understand that this is not your person. Then we need to separate. If this became clear to only one of the two, and the other wants to maintain the relationship, then he or she will have to treat this decision with understanding and let the person go.
Sometimes the cause of misunderstanding and breakdown of relationships is the excessive interference of one person in the life of another, an excess of control. When one actually crushes the other under him, he climbs into a space where he has not yet been invited. This approach, as far as I see, is equally characteristic of both women and men. In my opinion, this is a picture from a magazine about dogs and hamsters. Such a “caring” half actually does not need a living person nearby. We need a dog that will faithfully look into the eyes, obey any commands of the owner and not cause inconvenience or discomfort. But what is good for animals can be very harmful for people. A person who is forced to take on such a fire of interference is simply left no air, no freedom of choice. Naturally, he leaves.
A woman is not allowed to enter the Altar
Many believe that women are not allowed to enter the Altar - a symbol of the throne of the Lord, separated from the middle part of the temple by the iconostasis. In fact, everyone is allowed to the Altar if they have a blessing for this. Therefore, lay men should not approach the throne unless absolutely necessary. Another question is that during the sacrament of baptism of female infants, the priest does not carry them through the Royal Doors and does not bring them to the Altar. Many priests explain this by the fact that boys can potentially become clergy, that is, they can be allowed to visit these places, but a girl cannot receive church rank.
There is also a belief according to which a woman during her menstrual cycle cannot not only take communion, that is, taste the blood and flesh of Christ, but even visit the temple. In short, “ritual impurity” has no justification in Christian anthropology and came into the religion under the influence of pagan cults and Judaism and refers to the Old Testament, when the fear of the material world was especially strong.
Wearing clothes and other conventions is just an attempt by particularly zealous fanatics to stand out and show their superiority over others.
Whom to choose?
It is very important to understand who and how we choose as a potential second half. I won’t be original, I’ll say that it’s ideal for a man for a woman to somehow remind him of his mother. But not a “mommy” who can cry into her vest and who will wipe away her snot, but one who will be wise and caring, who will create an atmosphere in the house, fill life with love... At the same time, of course, cook deliciously, understand everything, be ready to compromise - but this is at home. And in her outer life she will be beautiful, witty, attracting the attention of other men... One that you will have to be jealous of and always achieve. And one that will always stimulate growth. Remember, it was our mothers who taught us how to hold a fork and spoon, made us do our homework, forced us to wash the dishes, and so on. Mothers set the bar for us in childhood, and we reached for it.
A woman should be caring. But it is important to remember that care must be sensitive. There is no need to overfeed with pies, both literally and figuratively. For example, if a man is busy with work and doesn’t call, don’t throw a tantrum, don’t pester him with questions: where are you, why don’t you write, maybe you don’t love me? Don't force a person under the hood. He should just feel happy next to you.
And women, in turn, are more likely to entrust their hearts to someone who is like their father: the strongest, the bravest, the one who is able to make decisions and bear responsibility for the family. The father in the family is also a person who can do amazing things: screw in light bulbs, hammer nails, swim breaststroke, and so on. Who knows everything in the world and who at the same time will love and spoil his children. Naturally, a woman is looking for something like this. Nobody needs a weakling man in the house. Although he, of course, risks becoming like this if a woman becomes his “mommy.”
So, in order to find such people, such a wife and such a husband, during courtship you need to indulge not only in emotions, but also use your head. Instead of chasing dreams, pay attention to reality: are you suitable for each other, can you not only talk for hours together, but also simply remain silent, does this make you feel good? If something doesn't add up, don't trust your heart...
What is God's family
Jesus Christ said: “Love one another.” This phrase can also be applied to a union of loving spouses. In an Orthodox family, where the wife’s duties are to maintain the family hearth, and the husband’s duties are to provide fuel for it, harmony and happiness reign. Such couples do not divorce as often, unlike families who do not follow God's laws.
Basic norms of Christian marriage
When spouses do not follow the rules established in Orthodoxy, the blessing is lost. In this case, God's grace to the family is lost, loyalty and love disappear. Therefore, both husband and wife must fulfill mutual responsibilities to each other and to the rest of their family.
How not to cool down in a relationship?
There are many examples of how people in relationships lose interest in each other and cool down. How to be here? The recipe, it seems to me, is simple and at the same time complex. Each participant in a relationship has his own secrets of the soul, and they need to be revealed, albeit gradually, but constantly. Show your beauty - but not all at once. First the first, then the second, the third plane of depth... Then the person next to you will be ready for new discoveries and, in addition, will understand that you are inexhaustible. Even if at some point you are already exhausted, he will not notice this; on the contrary, he will help you discover something in yourself. But at the same time, if one of the couple has his own principles - for example, you are against your parents interfering in your family life - it is better to voice this during the courtship period, so that there is no misunderstanding later. Everything that you did not voice before the wedding simply does not exist for another person. He will then be rightly surprised and discouraged: he was preparing for one thing, but in reality something else turns out. There are things that need to be negotiated on shore. And everything after the wedding should be worked out together. Otherwise, it’s better not to get involved in family life, because it will be a gamble.
Man and woman: relationships in the Orthodox tradition
We continue the series of publications of excerpts from the book of the Greek priest George Dombarakis* “Connections and Relationships”, translated by nun Ekaterina specifically for the Matrona.RU portal. Today we will talk about the relationship between a man and a woman in line with the Orthodox tradition.
In the Orthodox Church, the topic of the relationship between a man and a woman is vitally important and decisive for a person, since his whole life depends on the position he will take on this issue - whether he will start a family or choose virginity in Christ.
The question of gender relations begins to greatly occupy a person in adolescence.
, since nature itself sets it for a young person with special force. Unfortunately, this topic, which requires a calm and serious attitude, is often greatly distorted, and as a result, unnatural, pathological interpretations begin to appear, which can and often does lead people to a painful mental state.
According to the recollections of his spiritual children, Elder Porfiry
When it came to the serious and delicate topic
of relationships between men and women
, he was fatherly and reasonable. No one could define him as "strict" or "lenient" because he was simply fair. His cell was visited by people either intimidated by those who held overly conservative views, or broken by the experience of “daring” innovators.
Elder Porfiry surrounded everyone with the same love; he found a suitable medicine for each soul: “Sometimes boys and girls come to me. Poor children, what they didn’t have time to try, all the sins of the flesh. And yet I love them."
The elder fought against sin, loving the sinner and helping him to realize both responsibility for his falls and the opportunity to free himself from them and from guilt through repentance and life in Christ. He wanted to guide a person to a new life, and not torment his soul with memories of the old one.
Viewpoints that are not accepted by Christianity
"Open Relationship"
Nowadays, “freedom” in relationships between men and women
constitutes the first extreme, which our faith does not accept.
Unfortunately, for most modern boys and girls, the ease of establishing relationships with the opposite sex is something completely natural and taken for granted. Many people the absence of a boyfriend or girlfriend
as some kind of “abnormality,” a pathology. Of course, we are not talking here about friendly relations and spending time together. This means, mainly, what the youth themselves mean in this case, namely the development of “special” relationships with some person of the other sex, the pinnacle of which is often considered to be a carnal relationship with each other.
A prerequisite for an “open relationship” is considered to be an irresponsible attitude
a person of one sex to a person of the other sex.
In such “freedom” there is no seriousness that would allow a young man or girl to see something sacred in the relationship between a man and a woman, on which their further mental and physical balance largely depends. So it turns out that young people are largely guided by superficial sentimentality
, which ultimately leads to numerous falls and a constant change of partners.
Despite the fact that this “freedom of relationships” is one of the signs of the thirst for true love that lies in young people, it ends up taking the form of “painful love” and is fueled by selfishness.
Ban policy
Commitment to prohibitions and intimidation
- this is the “second end” of that “stick”, at the “first end” of which there are open relationships. Prohibitionists claim and try to convince young people that any relationship between a man and a woman is “scary and terrible,” thereby distorting and perverting what is one of God’s most sacred and beautiful gifts to man: the attraction of a man to a woman and a woman to to a man. As a result, young minds and souls develop an unhealthy attitude towards this topic, which subsequently prevents them from establishing full-fledged and mature relationships and creating a strong family.
A prerequisite for this kind of “sexocentric ethics” is the demonization of everything erotic
what is in a person. Adherents of this position declare the relationship between the sexes and the attraction of a man and a woman to each other as a sin. These people, not knowing how to relate correctly and lovingly to God, cannot see love and the Divine spark in relationships with their neighbors and especially with people of the opposite sex.
Christian Approach: Consecrated Relationships
The path of life of a Christian - whether he chooses a blessed marriage or virginity and complete dedication to Christ - presupposes a person’s confidence in the holiness of the relationship between a man and a woman. Saint John Chrysostom says that "God sowed eros in human nature"
, which means His will is to attract the sexes to create marital relationships and families.
Thus, according to the Christian Orthodox faith, this connection is not weakened or demonized. On the contrary, it acquires the highest possible position - “great sacrament”
- since it is united with the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Just as Christ loves the Church and sacrifices himself for Her, so a husband loves his wife and sacrifices himself for her. “This mystery is great;
I speak in relation to Christ and to the Church” (Eph. 5:32).
Such elevation of relationships to the Sacrament presupposes the special blessing and grace of Christ and the Church. Meeting of a man and a woman
is such an important event that special intervention from God is required for the couple to succeed in their now common path of creating a family.
From this it becomes clear why our Church does not accept and bless premarital close physical relationships
- they do not contain the blessing of God, and they can be considered a manifestation of selfishness and irresponsibility. Psychiatrist Theodor Bovet compared premarital affairs to the premature cutting of a bud that was not given time to fully bloom.
The conclusion is obvious: the Church sees the correct relationship between a man and a woman only in the context of marriage. Otherwise, these relationships cease to be understandable, turn out to be superficial and irresponsible, which means the Church cannot accept them.
Suitable age
What age can be considered the most suitable to start a family? Psychologists who deal with marriage problems believe that the “ideal age” for a man is about 25 years old, and for women - a little less. By the time they reach this age, young people usually reach a certain maturity, both physical and psychological.
.
At the same time, the belief of many people that before getting married, a person needs to be completely settled in life, from an educational, professional and social point of view, can be considered incorrect. The fact is that in the modern world, this process of “getting organized in life” often takes a long time, sometimes it takes several decades for a person to fully succeed and reveal himself as a person. In addition, marriage is one of the most important means of helping a person become a mature and whole person.
It is equally wrong to start a family at too young an age. A young man or teenage girl does not yet have the necessary physical and psychological maturity. As a result, such a marriage often ends in divorce.
What should a believer do?
The same must be done with religious views. If you are a Christian, talk about it openly and without embarrassment: a truly loving person will accept it and treat it with respect, even without sharing your positions. If you feel good with each other, if there is mutual understanding and respect, then everything can work out. After all, Christianity is not a set of prohibitions “don’t go there, don’t do that,” Christianity is a religion of love. How many examples of families are there where one of the spouses, most often a woman, believes, the other does not, but through the believer, something begins to change in him... Even in the time of the Apostle Paul, this happened, to say nothing of us. And Paul, by the way, gives a comment on this: how do you, a believing wife, know whether your unbelieving husband is not being sanctified by your faith?
Of course, it would be ideal if the bride and groom were equally deeply religious people. But ideal situations are rare, and they also have their temptations. And most often, one person in a pair drags the other up. As a rule, this is very difficult. It’s easier to slide down together, which is what sometimes happens. But you can’t order your heart. Therefore, if the Lord has connected, you need to drag. The main thing is to remember again that starting a family is not a way to achieve personal comfort, but an opportunity to grow into Christ. And a person who is excited about how to quickly meet a Christian girl and get married, while rejecting all other options, will rarely find happiness...
Why is sacrifice important?
When choosing your other half, you must definitely pay attention to the person’s desire to sacrifice himself. There are two types of sacrifice: self-directed and others-directed. In the first case, the person seems to be doing something for you, but nothing more than what is pleasant for him personally. This is called self-love. And sacrifice aimed at others and specifically at you is called love. Is a person ready to give up some part of his comfort, time, material resources, give up his usual activities, in order to be with you for an extra hour, to help you? What is more important to him - you or his habits? Observe this and draw conclusions. Remember the gospel thought: where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. That is, for the sake of treasure a person is ready to do anything. If you are a treasure for him, he will not skimp on anything. As in the parable of the pearl: a man sees a large, beautiful pearl, and he already has a whole collection of others, but he takes all his small ones and sells them to buy this one and only one. If so, then he is capable of sacrifice. This, of course, does not mean that you should download your license and arrange checks: you are so and so, are you willing to jump out of a window for me or at least change your job, because the one you have now takes a lot of time? That's not what this is about. Just keep your eyes open, remember the pearls and don’t delude yourself ahead of time.
How to find love?
There are two options: lie on the stove and wait - and be in an active search. In the first case, if you really need it, they will find you at the stove. But then you need to lie on the stove and not think about how to start a family, you need to do other things. And then don’t blame God and everyone around you if nothing happened. Another, active position is when you search, meet different people and ask God for blessings: is this the right person? And ask: if he is, then, Lord, give me a sign. There is no need to be afraid of such communication with God. He is a loving Father who will always help you make the right choice. This choice may not correspond to all the parameters that you imagined, but it will always be correct. The parameters of correctness are not expressed in beauty, not in monetary terms, not in academic degrees and so on. They are expressed in making us happy. And if we are happy, then what difference does it make?
Splash photo: Sean McGrath/Flickr/CC BY 2.0
Orthodox love is directed even towards enemies, it is expressed in deeds and does not tolerate bad feelings
Holy Scripture tells us a lot about love. So, for example, a person should have it in relation even to enemies:
(Matt. 43:46)
“You have heard that it was said: Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven, for He makes His sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have?” .
Orthodox love is not an idea or beautiful words, but only deeds:
(1 John 4:7)
“...let us begin to love not in word or tongue, but in deed and truth”
Negative emotions prevent a person from feeling and showing true love.
A person does not have love if negative emotions have taken over in him. True love destroys them:
(Corinth 13:4–7)
“Love is long-suffering, it is kind, love does not envy, love is not arrogant, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything.”
