9-day wake for the deceased after death: how to count, what to say, what to do to relatives, rules of conduct

According to Orthodox custom, the 9th day, counted after death, is given great importance. At this moment, the soul, which has already seen all the joys of the Kingdom of Heaven, appears for the first time before the Lord. Memorial words and prayers heard on this day at a special memorial meal can help the soul of the deceased. They can influence where exactly - in heaven or hell - the soul of the deceased will await the Last Judgment. Therefore, it is so important to remember the deceased, remember the good deeds they did on earth, and sincerely and often pray for their repose. This article contains answers to the most popular questions about how to spend nine days correctly.

What do 9 days after death mean in Orthodoxy?

This is a special date that means a lot to the deceased and his relatives. It is believed that the soul after death spends the first 3 days saying goodbye to the people and memorable places left on earth. On the fourth day, her guardian angel helps her ascend to heaven to show all its splendor. There the spirit of the deceased rests from earthly suffering. Then they show him all the sins he committed during his stay on earth. On the 9th day, the soul appears before God and, after a conversation with him, goes to hell to undergo trials (ordeals) and see all its horrors. On the 40th day, the spirit of the deceased again appears before the Almighty, this time for a private trial - a decision about where he will live in eternity - in heaven or hell. It is believed that 9 angelic ranks intercede at this time with the Lord for the soul of the deceased.

The importance of nineteenth is that the place of the soul of the deceased at this time has not yet been determined. It is already difficult for the deceased to influence this determination. His living relatives and friends can still help with sincere prayer and good memories of the deceased. Prayerful support from family and friends is extremely important for the soul going through ordeals and trials from the 9th to the 40th day. How the spirit of the deceased can overcome sinful temptations and torments will determine whether the soul will be cleansed of sins and be able to enter heaven. This decision is also influenced by how many people and how often he is remembered. Do they remember him with kind words or speak about him with resentment and anger. Therefore, it is extremely important to forgive all the grievances that came from the deceased during life, and, in turn, ask him for forgiveness.

What phrases should you avoid?

At a funeral, it is recommended to avoid phrases like “there is no need to cry or be upset”, “I understand you perfectly”, “we can’t do anything”, “after all, God decided everything for us”, “over time you will feel better and you will return to former life." These clichés will not help you cope with loss. It is unlikely that the grieving person will perceive these words as support addressed to him. You cannot wish death on someone who is guilty of a tragedy or complain that he has not yet been punished. It is necessary to speak exclusively about the deceased in a positive way, to temporarily forget about the existence of offensive words and tactlessness.

How to count 9 days for a funeral

When organizing a wake, relatives of the deceased often wonder how to correctly count 9 days for the deceased. Some people think that the countdown should be from the date of the funeral. In fact, the 9th day is counted from the date of death, including it. At the same time, they do not take into account the time of day at which the person died. The day of the funeral has no effect on the counting of memorial days. In some cases, for example when investigating the circumstances of a death, the body may not even be buried by the 9th day. Regardless of this, it is necessary to order a memorial service in the church and carry out all memorial events in the name of saving the soul of the deceased.

Option #1

Great grief has befallen us and brought us to this funeral hall today. With a feeling of deep sorrow and irreparable loss, we see off our dear person (insert name here) on his last journey.

(name) spent her childhood and youth in the village (name of the locality) and even then the most striking features of her personality appeared: discipline, an extraordinary mind, perseverance in study and work, focus on results, straightforwardness and acumen for life. Maria Ivanovna always won the sympathy of people with her ability to negotiate, understand people and establish long-term, strong relationships based on mutual trust and goodwill. Therefore, she always had many friends, business contacts and a strong, friendly family. In addition, she was distinguished by her high internal culture, outstanding moral qualities and personal charm.

We all knew (name) as an extraordinary, intelligent and energetic person. She did a lot for us, always helped in any way she could, and her personality was always weighty and significant for us, as were her decisions, opinions, and support.

We are glad that you were in our life, because you brought a lot of light, warmth and kindness into it. We remember you, we love you, we mourn you.

Is it possible to hold a funeral earlier or later?

If it is not possible to gather at the table on the 9th day after death, the memorial meal can be arranged a little earlier or later than this date. You can move the date of the funeral to the next weekend so that working relatives can attend. You can adjust the date due to fast days, if one of the invitees is not ready to eat only fast food. In addition, funeral tables are not set on the Bright Resurrection of Christ and the following Bright (holiday) week. Otherwise, the rules for holding nine days differ little from the rules that have developed for other commemorations.

What would be appropriate during a funeral speech?

At the wake, performances by one to three people closest to the deceased are encouraged. If everyone decides to speak, it will turn into a five-hour show with everyone saying the same thing. You can add a few words to the overall speech if you wish, but they should not take more than three minutes.

Relatives do not have to reveal their souls and feelings in front of all the guests; they are already exhausted from organizing the funeral, so a speech from one of their relatives or friends will be enough. If a person understands that he is not mentally ready to speak, it is better to refuse or express his condolences in a couple of sentences than to waste the time of those around him.

If we are talking about the funeral of one of our colleagues, it is recommended to choose one or two representatives who will say a good funeral farewell from the entire team. He must be an excellent speaker who can convey everyone's feelings.

Rules for holding a wake for 9 days

For 9 days, they usually do not send special invitations or invite guests. Often on such a day only relatives and closest people gather at the table. However, anyone can join such a meal. You just need to clarify before the event starts where and when it will take place. This may be important if the wake will be held in a cafe or restaurant. In this case, all places are calculated and paid for in advance.
At the funeral meal, it is important to talk only about the good deeds of the deceased, without remembering anything bad about him. It is believed that this determines which way the scales will swing: good deeds that lead the soul to heaven will outweigh, or evil deeds that cast it into hell. So that everyone who comes can say something kind about the deceased, it is customary to give the floor to everyone gathered at the table in turn. They usually start with the closest relatives, and their friends and acquaintances continue the story about the deceased.
According to the Orthodox tradition, endless tears, loud groans, hysterics and sobs are displeasing to God. They prevent the soul of the deceased from leaving the earth and going to the afterlife. The Church commands to release the spirit of the deceased with humility and peace, so that he can calmly continue his journey into eternity.
It is not customary to throw away food left after a funeral table. Even crumbs scattered on the table, folk custom says, should be given to the birds so that they can quickly convey to the Lord a prayer for the deceased.

Example

Speech at a wake about the death of a friend and colleague

Dear friends and relatives of Elena Petrovna! My name is Tatyana Arkadyevna, and I was lucky enough to work with Elena for more than 10 years - until my retirement. All these years, right up to her death, we were friends, went to visit, and I was always drawn to her because of her optimism and love of life. It was painful for me to feel the fading of life in recent weeks, and I was afraid of the moment when they would tell me that Elena was no more. On that rainy day, it was as if the Lord himself was crying, calling her to himself. And how she loved life! While she was still at work, she published a wall newspaper, people came to her with tales and stories, she joked, she was the center of the company, they loved her. I remember ____. This is how I will always remember her. It’s as if it was said about her: “And on earth she, like an angel, smiled: What is there in heaven?” The Kingdom of heaven!

How to properly set the table

After prayer, the meal begins with a special ritual dish - kutya (sochiva). It is prepared from grains (wheat, rice, corn, millet, etc.). This dish has a sacred meaning. The grain dies when cooked. Honey, poppy seeds, raisins, jam, and nuts, which are used to flavor kutya, symbolize heavenly pleasure. They are placed on the funeral table as a wish for the newly departed to have a heavenly stay in eternity. If it is not possible to consecrate this ritual dish in church, it is sprinkled with holy water three times at home.

In some regions and districts, jelly, compote, pancakes and pies are still considered obligatory dishes. In fact, the church does not determine the menu of the funeral table with such categorical precision. Theologians insist that commemorations should not incline those who attend them to gluttony. Therefore, you should choose simple dishes for them, without any special culinary delights. The number and choice of dishes depends only on the desires and tastes of those who organize the funeral meal. It is only important to remember about fast days. There is no need to worry if the commemoration took place on a fast day. There are many delicious Lenten dishes that make it easy to put together a good meal. Taking all this into account, fast or lenten soups, main hot courses, various snacks, and sandwiches are often placed on the funeral table.

Alcoholic drinks at the funeral table are condemned not only by the church, but also by psychologists. Relatives already suffering from the stress associated with the loss of a loved one can aggravate their gloomy state with alcohol. According to psychologists, such libations have a detrimental effect on the psyche of the mourners.

Option No. 2

He (indicate the name of the deceased if necessary) was an amazing person with a difficult and interesting life. Ivan Ivanovich always said that a person has three things that make him a person, these are work, friends and family. And today we all gathered to say goodbye to you - the person who considered us the main components of his existence.

Lately, you have often said that you look less and less into the future and more and more often turn to the past... And you notice that over time, children and family become more and more important to you, and your role in their life becomes, on the contrary, less and less noticeable . I don't agree with your last statement. We miss you. We miss you. And your role in our destiny forever remains the most significant. Without you, the whole world has become different and it is still unclear how to live with this.

We measured our lives, our victories and mistakes - by you. The world you were in seemed very solid to us. I promise that we, your children and grandchildren, will not leave each other, we will support each other the way you always did.

You showed and taught us how to be a strong family and we learned and will try to cope. But we, dad, will not forget you, and we are unlikely to be able to let you go so quickly. Even now you will have to work as a guide for us on the path of life. Thank you.

Rules of behavior at funerals

You shouldn’t throw a luxurious feast at a wake that boils down to gluttony. You cannot turn a funeral meal into a merry feast. But you shouldn’t indulge too much in grief. It is best if the funeral words are spoken quietly at the table, if the memories of the deceased person are kind and bright. To help the soul and not harm it, priests advise starting and ending the meal with a common prayer. It is important not to remember under any circumstances the bad deeds or harmful character of the deceased.

Epitaphs for mother and grandmother

So quietly, modestly and silently our mothers leave us.
May you be blessed forever, That you came to flourish and die...
“Mama” is God’s name for his children.
You left life instantly, but the pain remained forever.
Humility, tolerance and compassion - that's what our mother taught us.
With love, mercy, and warmth she warmed the destitute souls, And may the bright memory of her not be extinguished by the countless succession of times.
It’s so easy to imagine you alive that it’s impossible to believe in your death.
Mom's love will survive this too.
Talk to me, mom!
You lived for us and will always live in our memory.
A source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren.
Monument to mother - her children.
You are a guiding star for everyone who remembers, loves, honors.
I’m tired of living, but I’m tired of being a mother forever!
The warmth of your soul remains with us.
You have become a weightless ray, - This is how the best leave with dignity.
The heart of the one who always forgave everyone stopped.
Life is lived in accordance with virtue.

✒ How to write an obituary for your mother?
More epitaphs for mom.

What should relatives do for 9 days?

It is best to start the day with morning prayers, in which you must certainly remember the deceased. After this, it is advisable to go to the temple. There it is important to order a memorial service, a prayer service for the repose of the soul of the deceased. You can ask to consecrate the kutya prepared in advance for the funeral table. As a rule, there is a memorial table in the left half of each temple. On it, in front of the crucifix, there is a rectangular candlestick for many candles (round candlesticks are placed in the temple for candles about health). Candles lit on a memorial candlestick become a symbol of common prayer. The more people ask the Lord to forgive the sins of the deceased, the greater the chance of his soul going to heaven. The flame of candles enhances the common prayer, as if illuminating the path of the spirit in the darkness of the afterlife.

Candles in church are lit from other candles or, if no candle is lit, from a lamp. You cannot use matches or lighters you bring with you to light them.

If it is not possible to invite a priest to the funeral, you can pray yourself. For this purpose there is a special rite of lithium for the laity. This version is read at home (privately) or in the cemetery. After all, the most important thing that relatives can do for the deceased is to pray for his soul. Prayers on the 9th day are expressed in a request to the Lord, so that when meeting him the soul will find consolation and joy, and not shame and sorrow about an unworthily lived life. Of course, to have sufficient power, such a prayer must be sincere, coming from people who live with faith and reverence for God.

According to Christians, on the 9th day, as on other memorial dates, it is customary to give out alms with a request to remember the deceased in prayers. This charitable deed can take any form. This is not only monetary charity for the poor, not only bags of sweets for guests who came to the funeral and other people. For the same purpose, you can send money to an orphanage or nursing home, give some of the deceased’s belongings to the poor, leave money in special boxes that are placed around churches to collect alms for repairs, church construction, or for other purposes. In addition, you can leave food on a special table in the church. People most often bring food to the temple, which does not spoil for a long time. For example, flour for baking prosphora, Cahors, cereals, pasta, jam, fruit, etc. Some of these products will be distributed to the poor, others will be useful for temple holidays and other events. If there is no money for alms, you can simply offer selfless help to weak people. Guests who come to the funeral are often given an item as a keepsake in memory of the deceased. This could be a spoon, a cup, a small towel or anything else. You should definitely use such a thing; it does not carry any negative energy. The purpose of this gift is to remind people of the deceased as often as possible. Constantly using such a gift, a person will often remember the deceased and pray for his soul.

Epitaphs for parents

Your whole life is an example to follow.
With love and sorrow from loving hearts.
We come here to lay flowers. It’s very difficult, dear ones, for us to live without you.
How much we didn’t tell them during our lifetime!
Precious stones in the mosaic of life.
Gratitude and eternal memory to beloved parents.
We compare your thoughts and deeds with your life.
Eternal memory to you, beloved parents.
Dear Mom and Dad, Thank you for life!
A worthy generation in the history of mankind.
Only memory is stronger than death.
The earth bears your glorious trail of Love, goodness, success, victories.
The gratitude of children and the eternal memory of grandchildren.
Immeasurable is the pain that tears apart Orphaned hearts!
Forever in our hearts.
We always remember alive.

Is it possible to go to a cemetery for 9 days?

Theologians believe that if possible, it is not only possible, but also necessary to go to the cemetery on this day. The superstition that on the 9th day after death, visiting a cemetery can somehow harm the soul of the deceased or his relatives is just a harmful misconception that has nothing to do with the Orthodox Church. However, you shouldn’t worry if you can’t come to the grave on that day. It is important to remember that the most important thing for the soul of the deceased is the prayers of his family and friends, which can be offered not only in the cemetery, but also in church or in private (at home). Usually on the 9th day, the grave is cleared of accumulated debris, lamps or candles are lit and prayers are read. You can invite a priest to conduct the litia. Or, if for some reason this failed, it is worth reading the lithium for the laity yourself. If there is no intention of going to the cemetery on this day, such a litiya can be read privately, at home, before the funeral meal.

Flowers are most often brought to the cemetery. It is better not to leave food at the grave. If you want to distribute it to the poor, it is better to give it directly into the hands of needy people. Or put it on a special funeral table in the church. On the way to the cemetery, you can distribute funeral treats to people you meet, consisting of sweets, pies, cookies, gingerbread, etc. At the same time, the name of the newly deceased is called and asked to be remembered in his prayers.

A lit lamp cannot be left on the grave so as not to cause a fire.

Tithes in commemorating the deceased are extremely important.
The funeral table set on this day means that all the relatives and friends of the deceased gathered at the meal not only remember him, but sincerely strive to help him. A memorial service ordered in a church, the prayers of relatives and friends warm the soul of the deceased. They support her in the difficult trials and ordeals that come after the 9th day, help her to cleanse herself of sin and go to heaven. Do they not go to the cemetery for 9 days?

Epitaphs for father, grandfather

Father taught us to love this life.
Bow to him - he was a man!
In the heart and in the memory.
He lived for his neighbors, not for himself.
To those who were dear during life, From those who remember and mourn.
May this silent, sad granite preserve your image for us forever...

Rest in peace!
Oral epitaph and toast at funerals and wakes.

He did good with love in his heart.
He did good with love in his heart. He dedicated his genius and talent to his descendants.
We will remember your every covenant. Sleep well, our beloved grandfather.
You were an example for us to follow, and we still live by looking up to you.
A worthy page in the book of generations.
Sleep well, dear dad... Eternal memory!
What a lamp of reason has gone out! What heart has stopped beating!
Great gratitude to the children and grandchildren and warm memories!
He dedicated his genius and talent to his descendants.
Love for you, dear father, will die only with us. Both our pain and our sorrow cannot be expressed in words.
We will remember your every covenant. Sleep well, our beloved grandfather.
You were an example for us to follow, and we still live by looking up to you.
A worthy page in the book of generations.
What a lamp of reason has gone out! What heart has stopped beating!
Great gratitude to the children and grandchildren and warm memories!

R.I.P.
Requiescat in pace (Rest in peace)
Read also: Ten Commandments of God for daily reading

You lived your life with dignity, Leaving us with a memory forever, Sleep peacefully in a silent world, Our beloved person.
A great personality for all times!
Your path was bright, impeccable, bright, It illuminated our lives for centuries, You perpetuated the memory of yourself With how talentedly and sincerely you created.
We, children and grateful grandchildren, thank you for everything. Experiencing the pain of separation, We preserve eternal memory.
Your whole life is an example to follow...
The one whose dreams became life. The one whose life ignites dreams!

✒ How to write an obituary for your father?
More epitaphs for my father.

Option No. 7

Dear friends, relatives, colleagues. Today, in this funeral hall, we have been brought together by a great loss. We say goodbye to Kharitonov Khariton Kharitonovich. Let me introduce myself for those who don't know me. My name is Ivanov Ivan Ivanovich and I had friendly relations with Khariton Kharitonovich.

We knew each other for 15 years, and Khariton was a special person. He knew how to make friends like no one else and was a true friend. The kind that can now only be found on the pages of books and in beautiful films about friendship. It was always interesting to be with him and being around, it was impossible not to make new discoveries for yourself. He was constantly in motion and set in motion everyone who came into his orbit. Personally, he revealed himself to me. He found some new talents and qualities, knew how to support in difficult times, enjoy happy moments together, and never pulled the blanket on himself. I wasn't jealous. I was not indifferent. Didn't do anything mean. He didn’t know how to play around, fawn, or flatter.

I have never met such people again and I don’t know if I will ever meet them again. I will miss you very much, buddy. It's not enough anymore. Thank you for being there and for bringing so much good into my life. I will remember you, love you, honor your memory and support your loved ones. Don't worry, I won't leave them. I think you'd like that. Goodbye.

Recommendations:

Reading poetry at a farewell to the deceased is not considered appropriate and should not be overused. However, it is appropriate to say goodbye in the form of poetry if the deceased loved them very much or wrote them himself and they (the poems) were an integral, significant part of his life.
If a stranger is speaking on behalf of the family (colleagues, relatives, etc.), then first you need to introduce yourself (to those who don’t know) and briefly outline what kind of relationship the speaker had with the deceased or who he was related to.
In a farewell speech it is appropriate to include some interesting incident that characterizes the deceased. It is also acceptable to remember joyful events and funny incidents, but without farce or sarcasm, without turning the ceremony into a farce.
At the end, it is necessary to say personal words to the person who has passed away forever. These could be simple words of farewell or warm words of love and respect. It is also customary to make some promises or remind of some agreements that you undertake to fulfill (perhaps the deceased left a covenant or request, insisted on their fulfillment by family members, friends, colleagues). In general, the last words should be as if you were talking to a living person whom you are seeing off forever and want to leave warm, bright feelings with him and yourself and maintain a friendly relationship.
Clarification of relationships, recalling shortcomings and disputes, sharing anything in a funeral speech are unacceptable.
If you have prepared not a couple of short sentences, but a full-fledged speech, then it is permissible to read it from a sheet of paper so as not to get lost and not waste time on a painful selection of words (and the circumstances are such that words often leave the head and do not want to return to it).
When listing personal qualities, even negative aspects of character can be called correct formulations, without petty details. To do this, it is enough to look at them from a different angle and identify the “other side of the coin.” For example: importunity, fixation and persistence can be called perseverance, the ability to achieve goals, perseverance and determination. And the demands of the impossible can be represented as an orientation towards high goals, dreaminess and ambition.

Option #3

Friends, relatives and everyone present! Today we say goodbye forever to a person dear to us and I would like to say a few words in memory of him. Our family suffered a huge loss, having lost an important part of us - you, mom. She was amazingly modest, amazingly tactful, wise and talented. A true keeper of the family hearth. It was thanks to her and her many years of tireless work, support, attention and firm management that our home was a real fortress and a refuge from everyday storms. And all family members were always kind, warm, well-fed, dressed, educated and cheerful. Mom always knew how to console and when not to impose advice and moral teaching. She knew how to find an approach to anyone, although it was not easy. She painstakingly, day after day, created our cozy, comfortable little world, in which everyone is significant and not forgotten. She gave us light, warmth and kindness every day. And we can never forget this.

Now mommy, take a break from your labors and get some sleep. You stayed with us for such a short time, but left love and warmth for several lives to come. And you will remain in my heart forever. You will forever be an example of a real mother, and your lessons (your example) will never be forgotten. We will try to create in our families the same warmth, love and joy that you strived for.