Today there is a lot of talk about the disunity of people. In the bustle of this world, the problem of human loneliness seems to be as acute as never before. At the same time, you can increasingly meet those who consciously strive for loneliness - they are burdened by relationships with friends, do not want to start a family and exist in their own separate internal space, where they are comfortable and even joyful. Why is loneliness a torment for some, but bliss for others? The editor of the newspaper, Abbot Nektariy (Morozov), reflects on how a Christian should treat loneliness correctly.
Lonely and unhappy?
Many people are lonely, and therefore, those who were unable to start a family and do not have a soulmate are considered unhappy. So, for example, single girls after 30 years old may fall into despair from their “uselessness”. Men, left without a partner, also usually acutely feel their loneliness. In the modern world, searching for the other half through marriage agencies, the Internet, and social networks has become a normal phenomenon. The opinion is becoming increasingly popular that prayer for loneliness can solve a problem for a woman or a man. Some Internet sites even offer a special prayer against loneliness for men and women.
But what is loneliness anyway? How to deal with it correctly? What does Orthodoxy say about loneliness?
Loneliness
Family and church
Photo: Flickr.com
It happens in life that the search for a couple, your loved one, turns out to be fruitless. Lonely people often suffer from a feeling of inferiority, of some kind of inferiority. In the world, and even in the church, one can often observe a somewhat dismissive, mocking attitude towards single and unmarried parishioners. This position of others increases the feeling of uselessness, abandonment, and disadvantage in single people.
In the church, the off-duty activities of priests and their assistants are mainly aimed at full-fledged married couples with children. They “sit” at a large common table, solve problems, make plans, and hold joint events. Moreover, at this “table” there is no free space for single people; they remain deprived. And everyone around is calling: you must start a family, it’s not good for a person to be alone. So the loner fights against the wall of general misunderstanding.
The bonds of loneliness are not forced upon a person's shoulders. There must be a calling for this. A person dedicated to solitude is firm in heart and word, and is in complete control of his feelings.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a sensory sensation that depends on the subjective perception of life situations by a specific person. First of all, this is a lack of emotional warmth from other people, a feeling of abandonment and misunderstanding. This feeling can be different - social, physical, emotional. Sometimes even false. People can be lonely, even if they have a wide circle of regular acquaintances. This is due to the need for a lot of attention and love. But often he himself does not want to participate in the lives of other people. The person behaves self-centeredly and becomes fixated on his own feelings and experiences.
Loneliness is possible not only of a negative and forced nature. It can also be voluntary and conscious. Like, for example, in monasticism. Moreover, in this case, a person’s love for people is manifested through loneliness. That is, the desire to help them, which is expressed in prayer for others.
Do Orthodox Christians need prayer for loneliness?
The feeling of loneliness is familiar to each of us at one time or another in our lives. But some substances can be used as poison and medicine at the same time. Likewise, loneliness affects people differently. For some, this is a benefit, an opportunity for self-knowledge and self-development. For others, it is a lack of positive emotions and painful inner emptiness. You can feel lonely not only in a deserted desert, but even in a family circle.
Christians are not immune to feelings of loneliness. But the problem of the lack of human communication is overcome for believers by communication with God.
“Personality matures alone, in a cold void, in which it is clear to a person: he has to be born and die alone. In this emptiness a person begins to pray. And then the emptiness is filled with God, the past life is comprehended, eternity becomes obvious” (Archpriest Andrei Tkachev).
Unparalleled homesickness
Jesus humbled himself to "be born like men" (Philippians 2:7). We have little way of understanding how much it cost him. He experienced both the absence of his Father and human rejection that we cannot even imagine.
When I say that Jesus experienced the absence of his Father, I do not mean that he did not enjoy spiritual fellowship with the Father through the Spirit on earth. He did it, and it was sweeter than anything you or I have ever experienced (Matthew 3:17; John 1:32; 5:20).
No one on earth could identify with Jesus. No one could say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.”
According to Christian tradition, however, in order to become incarnate, He in a sense left the visible and holy presence of His Father and the glory which He had enjoyed there from eternity until the existence of the world (John 17:5). He had to endure life in a world under the power of the evil one (1 John 5:19). Think about a time you were away from those closest to you, in a secluded, perhaps even abandoned, place. Talking to them on the phone may have been nice, but it wasn't the same as being with them. It's a bad analogy, but it makes sense. As the Apostle Paul said, there is nothing better than being face to face (1 Corinthians 13:12). Could Jesus have experienced a “homesickness” for the presence of his Father far more profound and painful than anything we have experienced.
How can an Orthodox person be lonely?
From the Orthodox point of view, a person is truly alone only when he moves away from His Creator. In this case, an emptiness appears in his soul. Everyone chooses for themselves how this spiritual emptiness will be filled. TV. Social networks. Alcohol. Or successive steps on the path of returning to the Creator.
“You created us for Yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in You” (Blessed Augustine, 354-430).
Christianity knows many saints who went into the desert. They were not driven by the desire to escape from the world - although the desire to escape from sin, of course, was present. Solitude helped transform the soul, filling it with love for people. Thus, the Monk Seraphim of Sarov (1754-1833) went into seclusion. He did not talk to anyone, he immersed himself in prayer and spiritual struggle. This was necessary in order to later pour out his love on the people who came to him.
“Love is the sure cure for loneliness. Even if you feel very bad and you are in an extreme situation, but you love someone and are trying to help a loved one, or a stranger, or a total stranger, then for the sake of this sacrificial love of yours, the Lord will send you helpers and strengthen your spirit with His grace, with nothing incomparable on earth. To be together with God, to unite with him, means to achieve the Kingdom of God, which is within us” (Archpriest Alexander Shestak).
Trouble or blessing?
When it comes to loneliness, we often recall the words of the Bible: It is not good for a man to be alone (Genesis 2:18 ). In my opinion, they should not be taken literally: the Lord saw the Adam He created and, realizing that he lacked something, created a helper for him, Eve. Both Adam and Eve were in the original creative plan of God, which existed even before the creation of the world and anything else that then began to be (John 1 , 2).
We cannot explain why it happened this way and why exactly two, he and she, were created. It can be assumed, according to our human reasoning, that it would be very difficult for one person after falling away from God. Someone may object: after all, it was Eve who tempted Adam, which means that without her there would have been no Fall. However, it is obvious that one person does not need another in order to be tempted. Adam initially carried within himself the possibility of falling, so the serpent would have found a different approach to his heart. But after the Fall, it would probably have been more difficult to get out of the state in which a person found himself alone, which is why Adam and Eve found themselves needing each other. The feeling of loneliness is a consequence of the Fall; before it, a person was able to feel the constant presence of God in his life in a direct way, which now we are able to do very, very rarely and to the very minimum extent. As soon as a person dissolved his union with God, he became lonely. Therefore, no matter how many helpers or close people there are around, even if they are truly loving, attentive, caring, all the same, as long as a person lives on earth, loneliness to some extent will be his lot. After all, even the closest and dearest people who understand us and give us much-needed warmth cannot always be there and cannot fully relieve us of the feeling of loneliness. Because in everyone’s heart there is such a depth to which no other person can go down with him. And this is the depth of joy that we can still share with someone. This is the depth of sorrow. When we experience grief, extreme mental pain, we find ourselves face to face with the abyss of our own suffering heart. But it is there that the Lord meets a person, and at this meeting with God, while being with God, loneliness disappears.
We can say that a person’s ability to feel lonely is a huge blessing - after all, it is this feeling that should lead him to God. St. Augustine wrote: “God created us for Himself, and until then my heart is troubled until it rests in my God.” The abyss of the human heart can only be filled by the abyss of the Divine, and only God can give a person everything that he needs. Man is created so amazingly - he will always either seek God and in Him find a way out of his loneliness, or he will suffer and suffer from loneliness.
Prayer for loneliness: an Orthodox view
From the Orthodox point of view, overcoming earthly loneliness is possible only in life with the Lord. Even with external abandonment by people, a person living with God will not feel lonely.
“The most important thing is that after the coming of the Savior into the world, we have the One who calls Himself our Friend - Christ - the One Whom we call, singing the troparion to the Great Martyr Catherine, the Bridegroom, the Heavenly Bridegroom. And communication with Christ helps a person overcome loneliness, and the joy of being with Christ is much greater than the joy of being with the closest person.
And here natural loneliness is overcome by supernatural communication with Christ, and a person makes up for what he lacks by nature, what he lacks according to the ordinary laws of this world, through communication with Christ. Natural loneliness is overcome, and a person finds much more than a friend, much more than a groom, much more than a wife and children - he finds God Himself in his soul” (Bishop of Orekhovo-Zuevsky Panteleimon Shatov).
Alone in the world
Now imagine what life in this world was like for him. Jesus was without sin (Hebrews 4:15). We may think this is a nice problem to have. I doubt it was just pleasant. I suspect this tormented him. If Lot experienced daily torment while living in Sodom because of the "lawless works which he saw and heard" (2 Peter 2:8), how much worse was it for the sinless Jesus, constantly surrounded by sinners and demonic forces?
And imagine what Jesus' childhood must have been like. Do you remember what it was like to want friends? Jesus was truly human and would also want human friendship. But without the sinful nature that everyone else had, and with the divine nature that no one else had, he would have been a very strange man. Holiness causes sinners to flee. Jesus would have been morally tough as a sore thumb, never understood, often despised and rejected, even within his own family.
Family as a natural form of life
Family life is a Divine institution of the Creator Himself. When God created the first man, he said: “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). In order not to live alone, but together with his own kind, Adam received a wife and the blessing of having numerous offspring.
It is completely natural for everyone to desire to have a family. Relatives become helpers in material matters and spiritual communication.
“That’s why people strive to love in order to achieve the fullness of life. It is their natural need and desire to live in love. Moreover, the ability to love in some way makes a person like God: “Love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7) (Archpriest Yuri Zalosko).
Scriptures on Loneliness
Throughout the Bible and throughout church history we see brotherhood demonstrated. David wrote: “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! … For there the Lord bestows His blessing, even life forever” (Psalm 133). Jesus assured His disciples, “For where two or more are gathered together in My name, there I am with them” (Matthew 18:20).
Speaking about the impact on a person's work and joy of life when we are not connected with others, King Solomon noted:
“Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: there was one man; he had neither a son nor a brother. There was no end to his work, but his eyes were not pleased with his wealth. “For whom am I working?” - he asked himself. “Why am I depriving myself of pleasure?” This is also pointless - a pitiful thing! Two are better than one because they have an advantage: if one of them falls, one can help the other up. But I feel sorry for anyone who falls and has no one to help. Also, if two people lie down together, they will stay warm. But how can you stay warm alone? While one can be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not so easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12).
In Ephesians 4:25-27, Paul expressed the urgent need to restore broken relationships so that we are not alone and weak. Otherwise, by doing so we will give Satan a foothold to attack the Church. These and many other verses tell us that together we have great support and strength to resist temptations and idols so that we can continue to play our part in God's plan to advance His Kingdom.
When I felt lonely, I found that reading or listening to Scripture on one of the Bible apps was a source of comfort. Scripture is supernatural and can help anyone who feels lonely, including those who are lonely in marriage and those who experience loneliness and depression. As a foundation, God's Word reminds us that despite our loneliness telling us we are alone, as His beloved children, we are never alone. The following verses are a good place to start:
— Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear evil, for You are with me (Psalm 22:4; I recommend reading the entire Psalm 23)
be strong and courageous, do not fear or be dismayed by them, for the Lord your God Himself will go with you [and] will not depart from you or forsake you. (Deut.31:6)
- Although my father and mother have abandoned me, the Lord will accept me (Psalm 27:10)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor the present, nor the future, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord . (Rom.8:38,39)
- Cast all your worries on Him, because He cares about you (1 Peter 5:7)
“Sing to our God, sing praises to His name, exalt Him who walks in heaven; His name is Lord, and rejoice in His presence. God is the father of the orphans and the judge (defender) of widows in His holy habitation.” (Ps.67:5,6)
- Look what great love the Father has bestowed upon us, so that we can be called children of God! And that's what we are! (1 John 3:1a)
- Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God said: “I will never leave you; I'll never leave you. (Hebrews 13:5)
Prayer for loneliness
Is there a special “strong” prayer for loneliness for women or men? There is no such prayer in Orthodoxy. Prayer is not a conspiracy for marriage, after reading which you will certainly get married. Prayer does not accept demands and ultimatums. For the Orthodox, this is a petition in which the believer places all your hopes on the Lord and His Will.
“God has a certain plan for every person, without exception. And this plan did not appear simultaneously with the birth of this man into the world, but existed initially even before the creation of the universe. This is the eternity of each of us: I will not only always be, but in some sense I have always been - present in God’s intention.
Therefore, a person’s torment from the absence of something or someone in his life occurs because he is trying to live contrary to the Lord’s plan for him. There is the will of God, which gives us the best of those opportunities that we could find in this life. And if we don’t receive something, then one of two things: either God has some other plan for us, or there is something in ourselves that prevents God from giving us what we want and ask for” (Hegumen Nektary Morozov).
Lonely but united
The fact that today many people are fatally alone with that painful and evil loneliness from which they go crazy, commit suicide and die is not an illusion. The world is aging and one way or another approaching its end - close or not - and it is natural that this movement is filled with all those processes that the Lord warns about in the Gospel: both the diminution of faith and the impoverishment of love. Our time is characterized not just by the flourishing of pride, but by a downright painful falling in love of people with themselves. And the more a person loves himself, the more lonely he is. The reluctance to notice anyone around is the implementation of Satan’s prayer in a person’s life, one might say so. We remember the so-called high priestly prayer of Christ the Savior, in which He says: Father (...) may they all be one (John 17:21 ). The will of God is that the people He created, lonely by nature, should nevertheless be united in love, in their faith in Him, and form a single whole - the Church. But we know that Satan asked the authorities to sow these people, created for unity, like wheat (see: Luke 22 , 31), that is, to scatter us in different directions, so that we would not remain with each other in Christ’s love. Therefore, the one who rejects himself from unity fulfills precisely this request and, of course, falls into a very evil, disastrous state.
Why does the prayer that the Lord gives us begin with the words “Our Father”? Many interpreters have paid attention to this - namely “ours”. Not “mine” only - no, ours. We are Family. Only through this understanding, this feeling does a person take the path of salvation, but as long as “mine”, “mine”, “me”, “me”, he remains outside the path of salvation.
Photos from open Internet sources
Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 9 (533)
Who to pray to about starting a family
An Orthodox prayer for loneliness to a woman or man is a petition for marriage. Moreover, it can be directed not only to the Merciful Creator, but also to the Most Holy Theotokos, the holy saints of God. There is no strict requirement about who to contact with this request. It all depends on your spiritual disposition towards a particular saint. Moreover, what we ask for is always given only by God; the saints are co-prayerists in our petition.
In Russian Orthodoxy, Prince Peter and Princess Fevronia of Murom (13th century) are considered patrons of marriage and love. The couple lived a long family life in peace and harmony. Peter even agreed to lose his princely power for the sake of his wife. In old age, the couple decided to enter a monastery and devote themselves to God. The Lord vouchsafed them to die on the same day. The bodies of the deceased were placed separately in different places, but the next day they found themselves lying together. This was repeated three times. And now the incorruptible relics of these holy spouses remain together.
About creating a family, you can turn to the “universal” Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker (3-4th century). Even during his earthly life, he helped an impoverished merchant successfully marry off his three virgin daughters.
“The Orthodox Church has enormous wealth. And this is not material wealth. This is the wealth of spiritual experience. An Orthodox Christian is a rich man. He has not only his personal prayer, but also the intercession of the saints” (Priest Alexander Ermolin).
Conversations with the priest. Is loneliness a cross, a test or a sin?
Audio |
In the St. Petersburg studio of our TV channel, the chairman of the Coordination Center for Combating Drug Addiction and Alcoholism at the Diocesan Social Department, Archpriest Maxim Pletnev, answers questions from viewers.
(Some features of oral speech are preserved in the transcript) – The topic of today’s discussion: “Loneliness is a cross, a sin or a test?” Loneliness is, unfortunately, a very familiar concept for modern people. So familiar that probably a rare person has never encountered it. For some, loneliness is a reason to think, for others it is a reason to somehow diversify their life, but for others it really becomes a test so serious that a person cannot stand it and begins to fall into passions. Probably everyone, seeing a lonely person, sympathizes with him. Every day you come across people who need Christian help. How many of them are single people?
– You are absolutely right, of course there are many such people who need Christian love, it is important that this love reaches them. We work and try to help people suffering from alcohol, drugs, as well as a special disease called “codependency”; relatives of sick and suffering people have it.
We have the Favor program. Generally speaking, how does this relate to loneliness, then, of course, we come to a situation where many people who use substances are lonely people. Why? Firstly, loneliness often leads to this. But even if this were not so, as a result of the use of these substances and everything that is connected with it, life is destroyed in all its aspects: spiritual, psychological, and physical (the body is destroyed). And, of course, a person’s social, family, professional, and friendly connections are destroyed. He often finds himself alone with his misfortune and grief. This is true. I would immediately like to urge people not to despair, not to become despondent, but to seek help.
We hear this phrase: “Seek help.” But, unfortunately, not everyone can do this. I would say that we even need to cultivate this skill in ourselves. You need to be able to do this. Not every person is capable of this, oddly enough. It would seem that what is so difficult here? Ask for help. But we see that this does not always happen. We can even look at ourselves: we ourselves do not always ask for help when we feel bad. But this also helps overcome loneliness.
If I ask for help, then I am already crossing some border, and I am already destroying this barrier that separates me from the world. I encourage everyone not to be afraid to ask for help. You can come to us, to our organization, to our coordination center. We are implementing the Favor assistance program, our phone number: +7-911-170-54-04. This is a phone number for those who need help from psychologists and priests in a situation of addiction.
Let's return to loneliness. You asked at the very beginning: what is this cross, suffering? For me, loneliness is more of a challenge and a question. In fact, every person is lonely to one degree or another. And the issue of loneliness is an essential issue of our existence, like the issue of death and suffering. This is the question to which a person, willingly or unwillingly, seeks an answer throughout his life, and God forbid, if he finds it.
Of course, in the biggest and deepest sense, religion answers this question. Loneliness has a powerful potential, even a powerful positive, because it demands that the situation be corrected. And yet we see that man was created this way by the Lord from the beginning. This is a very interesting sign, to which we may not always attach special importance. We are divided into men and women. In Russian, we even denote gender with the word “half”. That is, it is not a whole being, but half. This puts us in advance in the situation that we come into this world needing someone. And this is wonderful, because the Lord originally created us this way: we need love. Must love and be loved. This is such a task.
“It’s not good for a person to be alone.”
- Yes Yes. This is a direct call to every person - to love and be loved. And, of course, loneliness can most definitely be overcome by love. How else can you overcome it? Love is directed in two directions: I am loved and I love. There is no other way to overcome loneliness. Loneliness cannot be overcome by the amount of communication, by the number of people with whom I spoke today, whom I saw, whose hands I shook. Unfortunately, in a huge metropolis we meet hundreds of people every day and can quite easily remain alone.
– Question from a TV viewer from the Moscow region: “A young man of twenty is studying at a prestigious university in his second year. Afraid of people. I diagnosed myself with social phobia. But this is a terrible thing. Doctors say that there is no cure for this, they keep fighting it out. Every time he comes from there he’s all on edge, he’s afraid of people. I reassure him that the Lord sees everything, so be patient. What to do? The guy is literate, but he’s afraid of people.”
– Unfortunately, we don’t know the person. I would suggest you seek help. It is very good that you contacted us, but we cannot help you here in the broadcast format. We listened to you literally for one minute, but it is impossible on the basis of this to create even some outlines to understand what is happening in your life and in the life of this young man. This is probably your son, as far as I understand.
I suggest looking for help. You can probably find this help in the Moscow region. There are Orthodox psychologists, there are wise and worthy priests. In Moscow there is a whole school of Orthodox Christian psychology. I would direct you on this path. Because it is not clear how spiritual this story is. I think not really. Usually in such situations there is some kind of underlying trauma. Maybe it's PTSD. We don't know what's going on.
It seems to me that when it’s so hard for a person, maybe he shouldn’t go ahead? If a person is having a hard time, he is not used to conflict situations, he does not need to go, for example, to work in law enforcement agencies, because there he will quite realistically have to catch someone, fight with someone, and so on, and the person does not like to do this, he does not have such an inner impulse. Or, conversely, if a person does not like to read and is not inclined towards scientific work, then, of course, he should not enter such universities where it is impossible to achieve success without serious immersion in the material, in the painstaking study of certain aspects of the subject. We need to go to some other area of life.
Therefore, perhaps, we should still try to figure out what is happening, and not insist that a person constantly overcome himself with a fight and communicate with other people with fear and horror. Maybe consider some kind of softer form of communication. You can look for similar communities, people who also somehow suffer from this. I think you need to continue to seek this help and, of course, strengthen yourself in the church. But there is probably some kind of psychological story here. We don’t know what exactly, but we need to figure it out.
– The TV viewer touched on a very important topic. In our modern society, because we want to seek some other spiritual pleasures, social communication can be very difficult. And in this case it turns out to be some kind of test. You can notice that many of our parishioners try to isolate themselves even in church, in order to be aloof and alone. In this case, I want to touch on the topic of loneliness in society, especially such an aspect as loneliness in church.
– Do you mean conscious loneliness?
- Yes.
– Often the conscious desire to achieve loneliness can also be from fear of other people, of some difficult life situation. This may not only be pride, as we sometimes think. Often manifestations of some kind of proud behavior are also a person’s fear, lack of self-confidence. A person tries to overcome uncertainty and thereby behaves loudly and defiantly.
On the one hand, we are saved together, as a community, but at the same time, everyone must still have a personal relationship with God. It’s good when a person has the opportunity to communicate with loved ones in the Christian world, but when this community, the closeness of believers among themselves, does not violate the boundaries of a person, when he does not end up in some kind of sect, where the entire rules of his life are strictly determined. It’s good when there is freedom, but at the same time there is unity.
And here freedom is not necessarily loneliness, not that I push everyone away. After all, loneliness directly calls us to search for those whom we can love and those who can love us. It is good when there is love in the Christian community. It is clear that we are weak people, and in the fullness of the ideal of Christian brotherly love, the love that Apostle Paul speaks of to the Corinthian Church (love is merciful, long-suffering, does not seek its own, does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth, and so on), we do not have.
This is great, beautiful, but we are not quite capable of this today. What are we capable of? For the simplest things. Be kinder. Firstly, they are able to think about it and set such a goal for themselves. Try to be kinder, just sympathize with other people.
I really like the word “regret”. Many people are somehow embarrassed and say that there is no need to feel sorry for them.
– There was a famous phrase that pity humiliates a person.
- Yes, but I don’t mind being pitied at least sometimes. It's absolutely great when people feel sorry for other people. This is wonderful. Strictly speaking, this is sympathy, mercy, empathy for another person. This is a very Russian word. There are many reasons why you should feel sorry for people and who you can sympathize with. There is a lot of grief and suffering in our lives. But there is the Lord, there is light, there is love and kindness between people.
– Question from a TV viewer from Moscow: “I once asked this question, but there was a vague answer. Nowadays young people never want to get married. If a woman cannot get married, then in order not to fall into fornication, she needs to take on this cross of loneliness and say: I will be alone. How to proceed? Is it better to remain alone without falling into fornication, or what to do?”
– They asked a question on a topic that I have been discussing in recent days. In the course of our work helping addicts, we decided to actively go to Instagram and start being active there. After all, a social network for non-profit organizations and religious projects provides an opportunity for advertising, seeking funding, allowing us to talk about ourselves, and find those people who need our help.
Because one of the problems of today is that people often fail to find valuable and necessary information due to its huge flow. This huge avalanche of information falls on a person, and he needs a little, but valuable, the one he needs...
On Instagram, a problem emerged for me that in our modern society the topic of a man and a woman living outside of marriage is accepted and is a social norm today. And this takes up a huge part of people’s lives, their thoughts, aspirations, conversations, conversations. This is called "relationship". Now there is such a word.
- “We are in a relationship.”
– Yes, and people live by it. At the same time, in the Church we seem to put this topic out of the equation altogether. This is fornication, we say, and we are cutting off a huge field of life for many, many people. We are not giving a moral assessment now. There is a very subtle point, and I would like to emphasize it. When the Church says that something is a sin, this does not mean that they are saying that this person is bad. For many it is the same thing. I say: after all, your relationship is not good, it is fornication. And people think that I am telling them: you are bad, lechers, fornicators. No, I'm talking about something else. Here it is very important to understand that a person is not bad, people are kind and good. When you communicate with people, you realize that all people are good. I haven't met bad people.
– You are a happy person.
– There are a lot of unhappy people, yes. But the bad ones - no, these are not bad people, but people who have truly experienced grief in this life. And the problem of these relations is now difficult and acute, especially for religious young people. Because they are trying to maintain purity before marriage, but the whole world around them seems to be crying out to the contrary. I think this is a feat: for a modern person to maintain purity not because he is forced to do it, he has no options, but because there are opportunities, but he consciously, for the sake of Christ, overcomes his flesh, all temptations and maintains purity until marriage.
This used to be the norm. A hundred years ago, in the twenties, the fire of outrages was already beginning to burn, these communist calls: down with shame. At first they also promoted the theme of debauchery. And before the revolution, premarital purity was the norm. How else? This was normal, other behavior was condemned and was not socially accepted. Today we live in a different world. Our society, unfortunately, is different. This transition took place when we left the Soviet system and moved into the current system. Because in the Soviet Union, after all, life outside marriage was officially condemned by the public.
When people come to confession, the priests tell them that fornication is bad and wrong, but how much do people hear this? To what extent can a modern person even hear this? This is problem. I tell people that fornication is bad, but people don't understand. Not because they do not understand the Russian language, but because we have a distance between the world of the Church and the world outside the Church. And in this matter this distance is clearly manifested. The person says: “Why is this bad if we love each other?” And there is no way to explain to him: the person does not understand, does not feel - everything is closed. How to overcome this?
This is not to condemn a person, he simply does not have a developed spiritual part that can sense the concept of sin. He may be ashamed if he steals his grandmother's pension. But in this matter he does not feel sin. And while he does not have an inner feeling, a feeling of fallenness, the fall, the depravity of this act, he cannot explain it. When will a person grow up to this? Previously, this was the norm, but now, in order to approach that norm of a hundred years ago, a person needs some kind of spiritual age, a certain spiritual development. Then he will understand what these words mean. In the meantime, for the bulk of our fellow citizens these words remain empty.
There is also this problem: as a result of the fact that I am registered on Instagram, I receive feedback that was not there before. People knew I existed, but they didn't talk to me. And now they say. About what? About the fact that they are often afraid of the priest: “You will come to the priest, some old man, and he will simply scold you, that’s why I don’t go to church.” People have some sins, people realize that the Church condemns this, and this becomes a barrier for them. People today are not ready to get out of sin, and as a result of this they do not go to church at all. And you would come, cross the threshold of the Church, take one step there, a second, a third - and in the future spiritual baggage would appear that would help you realize sin and fight it. But there is no such luggage at all, and it turns out to be a huge problem.
This question is very important, I really think about it. There is a separate problem with people who live for 15 years outside of marriage as a family, they have children. How should we feel about this? Today my attitude is this: I say that this is also fornication, but there is a huge difference. Casual relationships are one thing, but people live practically as families, have children, but outside of official marriage, and another thing. This problem is now being heard, we have such complexity, and there are canonical points in it. Before the revolution, marriage was registered by the Church: there was a wedding and state registration. After the revolution, God's blessing in the Church and state registration in the registry office diverged. This is not quite the same relationship as it was before. How do they relate to each other? Why is it a marriage in a church and a marriage in a registry office? Although there are different opinions on this matter. This is a new situation for Russia and for Christianity. Gradually, the Church will find the right answer, so as not to alienate people, and not to legalize sin, not to accept it as the norm.
We now see entire communities of Christians who introduce many sinful acts (defined in black and white in the Bible as sin) into the norm of Christian life. This is a tragedy. One of the tasks is not to indulge in sin; and at the same time show love to people. We need not to push people away, but to be open to them, so that they are not afraid of us, come to us and find love, and not just condemnation. First of all, I am talking about myself, and not about other priests. But people come to church for a reason: they come in pain, they feel bad. They are finally ready to come, but they do not have the spiritual baggage that would allow them to easily enter the temple. For them this is a whole event. They come, and sometimes I tell them something harsh, and they can leave.
– Question from a TV viewer: “How to survive loneliness and stop feeling like an unnecessary person?»
– Today we talked about love, that it manifests itself through deeds. This is a very important point, let’s repeat it again (again, I say this primarily for myself, because sometimes I also don’t do enough good deeds). We said that loneliness can be overcome by love, which can be directed in different directions: both from me and towards me. It's good when it comes in two streams. Accordingly, there must be some deeds, including deeds of good, to overcome your loneliness. I think there are people to whom we can, as we sometimes joke in the Church, “do good” because they need our attention and participation. We said that you need to be able to ask for help. And the main thing here is some openness, and this is fifty percent of the solution to the problem when I try to find those who can help me. It’s the same here: if you have inner openness to other people, then you can find communication, including in doing good.
– You touched on a very important topic today. I think it touches on another aspect of loneliness. We thought about sinfulness, about fornication, about the fact that our society offers exactly the model of behavior that leads to sin. A person who does not follow her lead accomplishes practically a feat in our time. But it turns out that this person becomes lonely if he does not sin, tries to run away from sin and does not behave like everyone else. In this case, his loneliness leads, perhaps, to the most important thing - union with God.
– We talked about this from the very beginning. Of course, loneliness acts as a question, as a challenge. And it is clear that the main answer to this question is the Lord God. There are monks (“monos” - “one”) - this is the ideal of loneliness in a positive format. Of course, the monk is not alone, he is with God. A person leaves people to be with God.
– We often hear such expressions: “I’m not a saint, I’m not a monk.”
– If we talk about Christianity, then these are my thoughts today (I don’t know how correct they are, but I’m ready to share them with you). In the late 80s - early 90s, many believers came to the Church (including me). We can say that modern church life is based precisely on these people. We were young, we came to the Church, and it was a rebellion against the world in which we lived then. It seems to me that Christianity is always a rebellion, always in some sense a rebellion against the spirit of this time. Unfortunately, for modern children the Church is a given, something old (even though only thirty years have passed since you can freely believe without any restrictions), but for us the Church was a discovery, we broke through there. And modern children do not realize that real religiosity is a rebellion, it is a protest in a good sense, it is an uprising. Of course, both young and old people who are trying to be a real Christian fight. This is a battle, a spiritual rebellion against the destruction of this world, against evil and sin. In this uprising, a person may not be supported by other people, but they may be supported - there are like-minded people, they can be found.
And the Lord is with us: where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them. Thank God, God is with us, so everything is not so sad. Of course, there are many questions. It has always been difficult for modern youth, but especially today, because there are many temptations and difficulties. It’s not easy to be a Christian, but it’s so great... My priests and I sometimes in the church altar, when we take communion, we say the same phrase: “How great! How poor are the people who don't know this? How can they even live without this grace-filled joy, without church life?” Being a Christian is a feat, a struggle, but it is so joyful that we Christians do not understand why and how to live if this does not happen. It is impossible to live only in the world, only in material existence. Thank God that the Lord has revealed himself to us, that we know Him. We have been given this treasure, the gift of God - the knowledge of God, the knowledge that He exists, and the desire to receive this truth in full.
– You can’t exchange the joy in church during prayer for anything, because it is impossible to find the strength in yourself that would drive you out of the Church.
Question from a viewer: “In 1986, I had such a story. In search of a job, I ended up at the so-called Scientology Center. At that time, no one had any idea that it was a sect. I quickly figured it out and ran away from there. And for thirty years, I have received letters twice a week in which Scientologists invite me to their events. I don’t answer them, because I am an Orthodox Christian, I have been going to church since childhood.
I would like to change my society in my life: I work at a construction site, the guys there don’t mind swearing. I played a lot of sports, and the guys there were also far from the Church. My attempts to come to the parish always ended in failure and rejection. For example, I tried to get a job in an Orthodox organization, and it got ridiculous: I called asking if I could get a job with them, and they asked me: “Are you cohabiting with someone ?” “Well, how can you answer such a question over the phone to a stranger ? With all this, they show on TV that the Church performs missionary functions in other countries, but in our country it is almost impossible to simply come to Church and be in church society. For example, I started participating in community cleanups, in cleaning up the area in Sokolniki. I came three times, waved the rake, they took it from me, that’s all. Such situation".
– I don’t know Moscow churches and parishes very well, but the ones I know are wonderful communities, where you can find self-realization. But this is also always difficult. How can a person enter the community? Our church has developed a good relationship with the Church of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker on Three Mountains in Moscow (rector Father Dmitry Roshchin). There is a wonderful parish, a good and open community, and all the priests are amazing. I send there those of our parishioners who, for one reason or another, leave for Moscow. Dear brother from Moscow, I am sending you there too: go to Father Dmitry. Of course, there is a large community there, so they won’t immediately give you attention and they won’t send you letters twice a week. This is not the case in Orthodoxy.
We have a missionary society, Atrium, which preaches among Protestants and charismatics. One girl who, through Atrium, came out of Protestantism and found the true Orthodox faith, said: “You come to the Protestants - everyone hugs you, smiles affectionately...” And then, while she was driving with her parents on vacation to Crimea, she read a book by some then an Orthodox missionary, which I learned about from the Internet (someone wrote in chats so that they would read it). And when she arrived in Crimea, she realized that she could no longer be a Protestant - this book changed her ideas about faith. But she didn’t understand how to get into the Orthodox Church. She came to the temple and told the priest about this. Then she came to St. Petersburg, came to the Protestants, but she saw that everything was not the same: some kind of very naive and shallow Christian life. And so she ended up in the Atrium, came to a meeting just for such people, and there no one really bothered her, no one hugged her with the words: “Finally, thank God that you came to us! Now we will tell you everything.” No, there is a normal Christian conversation, the Gospel is being discussed, everything is in a very calm format. She continued walking and became one of the active participants in this movement.
Therefore, do not be afraid if there is no warmth or return right away. Moreover, in Russia people are not always wide open: we are more restrained in emotions, especially in close relationships. Not everyone can let another person into their life. I think you will find a good parish. Try it, it’s okay that it didn’t work out. There are so many temples in Moscow, you can find a temple that suits you. You can even find a temple for athletes. Surely there are priests who are actively involved in sports.
– I remembered the Church of the Life-Giving Trinity and Father Alexei Uminsky, who greets everyone with a kind smile.
– This is also a wonderful temple, a wonderful community.
– I would like to summarize. Loneliness can still be very useful for a person, but it can also be very destructive. But the most important thing is: when loneliness is to our benefit, and when to its detriment? ?
– It seems to me that loneliness always exists in a person’s life. When is it useful? Today we talked about the same thing: if loneliness leads us to love, then everything is for the good. We can turn any difficult situation into a good one. It turns out that there is no such thing as bad loneliness, because it can also be used for good...
-...a believer.
- Certainly. And all things are possible with the Lord.
Dear brothers, once again I appeal to addicts and their relatives. If you have problems: there is an alcoholic or drug addict in your family, or you yourself are experiencing problems with drug use, contact the Favor organization. Our phone: 8-911-170-54-04. Call us and we will try to help you.
Presenter Gleb Ilinsky
Recorded by Elena Kuzoro and Margarita Popova
Prayers for starting a family
A girl's prayer for marriage
Oh, All-merciful Lord, I know that my great happiness depends on the fact that I love You with all my soul and with all my heart, and that I fulfill Your holy will in everything. Rule Yourself, O my God, over my soul and fill my heart: I want to please You alone, for You are the Creator and my God.
Save me from pride and self-love: let reason, modesty and chastity adorn me. Idleness is disgusting to You and gives rise to vices, so give me the desire for hard work and bless my labors. Since Your Law commands people to live in honest marriage, then lead me, Holy Father, to this calling consecrated by You, not to please my lust, but to fulfill my purpose. him, for You Yourself said: it is not good for a man to be alone, and having created for him a wife as a helper, he blessed them to grow, multiply and populate the earth.
Hear my humble prayer, sent to You from the depths of a girl’s heart; give me an honest and pious spouse, so that in love with him and in harmony we glorify You, the merciful God: the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.
To the Blessed Prince Peter and Princess Fevronia, Murom Wonderworkers
Oh, great saints of God and wonderful wonderworkers, blessed Prince Peter and Princess Fevronia, intercessor and guardian of the city of Murom, and prayer books for all of us with zeal for the Lord!
We come running to you and pray to you with strong hope: offer up your holy prayers to the Lord God for us sinners, and ask from His goodness all that is useful to our souls and bodies: faith in justice, hope in goodness, unfeigned love, unshakable piety in good deeds prosperity, peace of peace, fruitfulness of the earth, prosperity of the air, health of the body and salvation of souls.
Petition from the Heavenly King the Holy Church and the entire Russian Empire for peace, silence and prosperity, and for all of us a prosperous life and a good Christian death. Protect your Fatherland and all Russian cities from all evil; and all the faithful people who come to you and worship your holy relics, overshadow with the grace-filled effect of your God-pleasing prayers, and fulfill all their requests for good.
Hey, holy wonderworkers! Do not despise our prayers, offered to you today with tenderness, but awaken for us to intercede with the Lord in your dreams, and with your help make us worthy to improve eternal salvation and inherit the Kingdom of Heaven: let us glorify the ineffable love for mankind of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, in the Trinity we worship God, in forever and ever. Amen.
Body of Christ.
The body of Christ is the best antidote to loneliness. All those who follow Christ and are baptized by His Spirit are the Body of Christ. In this Body we become one, despite all our differences. We receive fellowship in the Spirit even when we are alone. We have the same thoughts, the same spirit, the same intentions and the same goal. As you commit yourself to building up the Body of Christ through personal faithfulness, God will ensure that you find your place and service in Him.
Rom. 12:5
“So we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.”
1 Corinth. 12:12
“For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of one body, although they are many, are one body, so is Christ.”
1 Corinth. 12:26
“Therefore, if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; If one member is glorified, all members rejoice with him.”
Ephesus 2:19-22
“Therefore you are no longer strangers and strangers, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in which you are being built into a habitation of God by the Spirit.”
Ephesus 4:11-13
“And He appointed some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, some to be shepherds and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, until we all come into the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of full stature. Christ.”
With God on our side and His Spirit guiding us, we can navigate the waters of loneliness and achieve the peace and quiet that comes when we give up all attempts to satisfy our human desires and surrender ourselves entirely to God.
Prayer to Nicholas the Wonderworker
O all-praised, great wonderworker, saint of Christ, Father Nicholas! We pray to you, awaken the hope of all Christians, protector of the faithful, feeder of the hungry, joy of the weeping, doctor of the sick, steward of those floating on the sea, feeder of the poor and orphans, and quick helper and patron of all, may we live a peaceful life here and may we be worthy to see the glory of God’s elect in heaven , and with them unceasingly sing the praises of the one worshiped God in the Trinity forever and ever. Amen.
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