Law of Death
Why host a memorial dinner on the anniversary of a death? This question often interests relatives of deceased people. To understand why and how to remember the dead, you need to understand what happens to the soul after death.
Funeral lunch in a Belarusian village
As a result of the fall of the first people, death appeared in the world. She established her own law on earth, common to everyone. Human life, having reached a certain milestone, ends, and the body is consigned to the earth. But what happens to the immortal soul? According to Orthodox teaching, this depends on the spiritual quality of life lived on earth. Paradise awaits the soul, being with the Lord and all the saints. Or hell, the painful state of being unable to get closer to God. However, it should be noted that heaven and hell are not material, with “geographical” points and coordinates. According to the Holy Fathers, this is a certain “internal” state of a person that awaits him in the next century.
Funeral speech: farewell words to the deceased, important points of construction
It is customary to pronounce words with good connotations. Resentment, irritation, indignation and dissatisfaction - this should not be read in a funeral speech, because a funeral is not a suitable place where one could sort things out, especially since the other party (the deceased) cannot answer. Other important points:
- the text is written in advance, this will allow you to highlight the main points, not lose the thread of the story about the deceased, and finish the speech on time;
- It is customary to speak sincerely, standard phrases can be pronounced with soul, because this will allow those present to appreciate the depth of feeling for the deceased;
- it is necessary to control emotions as much as possible, the funeral speech should not be too tragic;
- note several main points that will help you avoid a protracted pause and quickly find your bearings in order to continue the memorial speech;
- the text should not be long, the average reading time is 5 minutes;
- It is recommended to memorize the main points, then the spoken words will sound less detached;
- when the funeral speech turns out to be awkward, you cannot find the appropriate words to say goodbye to the deceased, you can go through in your memory the main points associated with the deceased, if you choose one of them - the most vivid, memorable, the one that would show all the wonderful qualities of the deceased, you can compose based on it your text.
Why you need to pray for the dead
After the death of a person, relatives strive to alleviate his fate through prayer for his soul, alms, and organizing funeral services. For believers, the memory of the deceased does not disappear 40 days after death. According to legend, during this period a preliminary frequent Judgment is performed on the soul. Before the Second Coming of Christ there is still time and opportunity to change the fate of the soul for the better. A memorial dinner on the anniversary of death is precisely evidence of ongoing care for the soul of the deceased.
“Many people are embarrassed by the thought of praying for the dead; they wonder what the purpose of this prayer is, what we hope to achieve with it. Can the fate of the dead change because they are prayed for? Can prayer convince God to be unfair and give them what they don't deserve?
If you believe that praying for the living helps them, why don't you think it is possible to pray for the dead? Life is one, for, as the Evangelist Luke says, “God... is not the God of the dead, but of the living” (Luke 20:38). Death is not the end, but a certain stage in human destiny. And this fate does not freeze like stone at the moment of death.
The love that our prayers express cannot be in vain. If love has power on earth, but has no power after death, this tragically contradicts the word of Scripture that “love is strong as death” (Song 8:6). And it contradicts the experience of the Church, which testifies that love is stronger than death. For Christ conquered death in His love for the human race" (Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, 1914-2003).
Common phrases for expressing condolences
You can convey condolences without writing a memorial speech, but using a few meaningful words. Such phrases have become widely known, many are universal:
- for any reason (after the death of loved ones, employees, boyfriend or girlfriend, men, women):
"We mourn with you"
- when you need to express condolences to your colleague’s loved ones:
“We will remember him as a good person (kind, sympathetic, etc.)”
- When a Christian dies they say:
"God rest your soul"
- after the death of a Muslim:
"May Allah grant you patience"
Tradition of the wake
Prayers for the dead already existed in Old Testament times. Before the Savior came into the world, the dead faced a bleak, albeit to varying degrees, fate after death. As a result of the Fall, humanity alienated itself from God and lost unity with Him. People were expelled from paradise, and the doors to it were closed. And this lasted until the Son of God, by His death on the Cross, atoned for the sins of people.
An example of caring for the souls of the dead is the prayer of the Jewish people for those killed during the battle with the Edomites (Second Book of Maccabees, 12:39-45). The Jewish soldiers hid the things of the pagan gods (trophies) under their clothes, violating God's command. This was the reason for their death. Judas Maccabee collected money and sent it to the Jerusalem Temple to offer a sacrifice to God for sin. Judas Maccabee “acted very well and piously, considering the resurrection.” Thus, he showed concern for the forgiveness of the sins of his fallen brothers on the Day of Judgment.
“Therefore he offered a propitiatory sacrifice for the dead, that they might be freed from sin” (Second Maccabees 12:45).
Old Testament prayer testified to the hope of salvation that existed even then in the future. However, she could not change the afterlife fate of the souls of dead people. This became possible only in New Testament times.
“All Old Testament people and even the prophets were bound by sin and, as bound, did not have the power to free anyone from mortal bonds. But the Lord Jesus Christ appeared, a perfect Man and a perfect God. By His power He redeemed us from eternal death. And in His face we have hope and hope for salvation” (priest Dimitry Shishkin).
Funeral speeches in different cultures
Different peoples, representatives of different religions and denominations have different rules of remembrance:
- Judaism: they read the Torah, it is believed that this helps the deceased in the afterlife;
- Hinduism: only men are present at funerals; it is customary to read mourning mantras, and they are also pronounced by representatives of the stronger sex (one of the relatives);
- Islam: a funeral prayer is read - janaza, for the repose of the soul - suras from the Koran, the primary duty in this case is a man's, in the absence of other relatives, a woman is allowed to read;
- African peoples: most often celebrate death rather than mourn, because it is believed that this is the liberation of the soul.
Memorial dinner on the anniversary of death: spiritual meaning
For Orthodox Christians, a wake is not a reason to gather for dinner with loved ones to discuss everyday problems. A memorial dinner on the anniversary of death is an opportunity to pray together for the repose of the soul. The funeral food itself is a kind of alms for those present. Therefore, a folk tradition has developed to arrange a hearty and tasty treat.
“Just as when we visit prisoners, we bring them soft drinks and the like and thereby alleviate their suffering, so we alleviate the suffering of the deceased with prayers and alms that we perform for the repose of their souls” (Reverend Paisius the Svyatogorets, 1924-1994).
The memorial table on the anniversary of death should not be perceived as a formal ritual (although it is important). The main thing in commemoration should be a prayer to the Lord to grant the soul of the deceased the Kingdom of Heaven. Prayer can be either at home or in church. On the day of remembrance, if possible, you should submit a note for the Liturgy. You need to order a special memorial service at the church - a memorial service.
“The Holy Church embraces all people with its love and cares for all its children. It encourages you and me to also show love for our neighbors, to care for them, not only the living, but also the dead. Because Christian love never runs out. She goes into eternity, there are no barriers to love, therefore for her there is no death or decay.
And the Holy Church, when commemorating the dead, encourages us to always respond to the call of the Church to perform such commemoration. We must always, at any time, remember our deceased. We do this during the Divine Liturgy, during the proskomedia, during the requiem service. And in our prayers at home, the Holy Church commands us to pray not only for the living, but also for the dead” (Archpriest Vasily Stoiko).
Drinks on the funeral table menu
The modern way of remembering with alcohol is not only not welcomed by the church, but is also strictly prohibited for people who know about the symbolism of alcohol on the table on the day of the funeral and traditional memorial dates, including six months and the anniversary.
Those who truly want the soul of the deceased to reach heaven at the memorial do not drink alcohol. Any guest, from a close relative to a work friend or housemate, should understand that alcohol aggravates the torment of the soul of the deceased. Our Orthodox ancestors believed that including alcohol in the funeral menu was a wish for the deceased to suffer severe torment on the way to the gates of Heaven. Close people are invited and treated, setting the table with the obligatory funeral dishes and supplementing them with food at their discretion, but pouring vodka or wine will be an impious act.
It is customary to serve berry juice and prepare lemonade according to your favorite recipe. You can use store-bought juice, but homemade compote will be incomparably better. It’s easy to prepare a funeral service using dried fruits. A good housewife always has the necessary ingredients at hand; they can be freely purchased at any time of the year. For a five to seven liter pan use:
- 0.5 kg dried apples;
- 0.5 kg of whole or chopped dried pears;
- 1 glass of sugar, and it is not necessary to make the uzvar sweet.
To prepare, pour water into a saucepan of sufficient volume, put it on the fire, and while the water boils, wash the dried fruits. Place apples and pears in boiling water, and when the uzvar simmers over low heat for about half an hour, you can add sugar. When using honey, you must first cool the liquid to room temperature. The finished uzvar is allowed to brew for several hours.
It should be understood that many healthy non-alcoholic drinks can serve as an alternative to wine and vodka. They are more appropriate in everyday life, and even more so on a mournful occasion with its strict restrictions.
Funeral: echoes of the past
In the modern world, along with the Orthodox tradition of remembering neighbors, some funeral rites that have their roots in paganism have been preserved.
So, for example, remembering with food in a cemetery is a residual phenomenon of the pagan funeral feast. Before the adoption of Christianity in Rus', it was believed that it was necessary to share a meal with the deceased. Otherwise, he will allegedly remain unsatisfied.
Since pagan times, the tradition of observing a special order at the funeral table has also been preserved. The head of the table should be the owner of the house. On both sides of him are relatives according to the degree of closeness of relationship to the deceased. This has nothing to do with Orthodoxy. The fate of the deceased does not depend on the strict order of placing people at the table, but on the intense prayer performed for him.
It is still widely believed that during a wake there must be a plate (and even a glass of vodka) on the table for the deceased. This is an echo of the pagan past. The disembodied soul is no longer required for food to strengthen its strength. For her, only prayer with alms matters.
“The dead expect prayer from us first of all. Because prayer is not just words. Prayer is an appeal to God, an appeal to the Saints, and we reach a different, inexplicable to the human mind, spiritual level of communication. This is precisely the area of faith, faith that we are really awaited, awaited for a special commemoration, for our special pious behavior” (Archpriest Georgy Gulyaev).
Funeral in a cafe
In recent years, it has been customary to organize wakes in cafes. On the one hand, this frees the owners from the hassle of cooking and cleaning the house before guests arrive; on the other hand, it requires certain organizational tasks. Recommendations for holding a wake in a cafe include:
- Book a few tables or even a small room in advance.
- Warn the administrator that there will be a wake, not a holiday.
- Agree on the menu. If the cafe is not ready to make special dishes, agree that they will be brought with you (for example, kutya must be additionally consecrated in the church).
An alternative to a cafe, which also allows you to avoid cooking, is to order meals at home. In large cities there are many catering companies, some of which even offer special funeral menus. There is no such obligatory custom as holding a wake at the home of the deceased.
Who to invite
If it is customary to invite everyone who would like to honor the memory of the deceased to a funeral, then the anniversary of death is a more private event. In most cases, only relatives and close friends are invited to it. The list of guests is determined by the organizer.
Even if a person who was not invited came on his own, it is permissible not to invite him to the table, take him aside and ask him to leave. Such an act will not be considered an insult to the memory of the deceased. Especially considering that the wake involves primarily prayers, and not eating.
There are certain recommendations for seating the guests. First of all, the closest relatives (mother, father, children) choose seats, then more distant relatives sit down with those with whom they are related. Friends are seated according to seniority. It is worth noting that this rule is rarely followed.
Death anniversary menu
Food at a wake should be modest and not very plentiful. Preference is given to dishes that the deceased loves. The Orthodox Church is against large amounts of food, since the main thing is prayers for a person.
The menu for the wake is compiled in accordance with the preferences of the organizers. Dishes accepted for Godina include: jelly, kutia and pancakes. Also, Christians tend to cook something with fish. Other options for what to serve include:
- fresh salads with beets - vinaigrette or grated vegetable with garlic;
- snacks in the form of sauerkraut, pickled cucumbers;
- sliced cheese, meat, if the deceased was not a vegan.
Chicken or turkey are often baked as hot dishes. You can choose any side dish - potatoes, vegetables. There should also be dessert on the table in the form of sweets and fruit pies.
Funeral table
It is important to exclude champagne from the menu, as it is intended for festive events. Strong drinks are acceptable from alcohol, although the church is against the presence of any alcohol-containing products.
As part of the wake, one should remember the good deeds of the deceased on earth, his positive character traits. Funny stories and incidents are also not prohibited, but speaking badly about the deceased on this day, as on any other, is prohibited.
How to dress correctly
Clothes for a funeral do not play a decisive, but important role. Preference should be given to dark colors and closed styles. The restrictions are not as strict as the dress code for a funeral, but sequins, bright colors, open shoes and low necklines will not be appropriate.
When planning a trip to the cemetery, it is worth considering weather conditions. Since it is often located in an open area, it is better to dress warmly. Women need to take care of having a headdress in the form of a headscarf. You will need it when visiting church.
Funeral speech
A wake is not a noisy feast, but a quiet family event dedicated to the deceased person. Therefore, you need to pray for the soul of the deceased and remember him with a kind word. It is also customary to give a memorial speech; it is aimed at the loved ones of the deceased. The appeal structure is as follows:
- indication of the names and relationships of those to whom the speech is addressed;
- words of sorrow;
- a description of the positive qualities of the deceased relative or friend;
- life achievements and successes of the person who has left the world;
- words of condolences to loved ones.
The speech must be sincere and come from the heart. In most cases, friends prepare it for the anniversary, turning to relatives. A late memorial is support for relatives, indicating the good traits of the deceased.
How to honor the deceased yourself
It is also permissible to remember a person independently, that is, without the involvement of the church and clergy. To do this, you should read prayers at home on the anniversary, for example, the Psalter. Firstly, the charter is indicated in all church publications, and secondly, between the psalms there are prayers in which the names of the deceased are included.
Not all people can be buried in church. The ban applies to those who voluntarily gave up their lives, as well as baptized but not churchgoers. These include those who did not regularly go to services and did not perform the sacrament. But any rule has exceptions, so it’s worth checking with a specific person in your parish.
A secular person can prepare and conduct a funeral. But if many relatives are deeply religious, then it is worth maintaining order and visiting church.
Memorial dinner on the anniversary of death
It is advisable to invite Christian believers who are able to pray for the deceased to a memorial dinner on the anniversary of death. Before the funeral meal itself, one should read kathisma 17 (psalm 118), as well as a prayer for the repose of the soul of the deceased. At the funeral meal, it is customary to remember the good deeds of the deceased. Entertaining conversations and songs are considered undesirable. One should not remember or discuss the bad deeds of the deceased.
A common question is: what to cook for a funeral for 1 year? A sample menu for the anniversary of death may be as follows.
The funeral meal begins with kutya (koliva). Traditionally, this dish is prepared from boiled wheat grains mixed with honey. Sometimes wheat is replaced with rice with raisins. The grains symbolize the resurrection in the next century, and the addition of honey or raisins reminds of the sweetness of life of the righteous in the Kingdom of Heaven. For the funeral table, kutya is consecrated during a memorial service in the church.
In some regions of Russia, “obligatory” funeral dishes include pancakes and jelly.
The rest of the dishes at the funeral meal may depend on the seasons, whether the day of the funeral falls on a fast day, as well as on the financial wealth of the relatives. There is nothing wrong if the food is modest and “no frills.” These can be fish or meat dishes (sliced meats, cutlets), noodle soup or borscht, vegetable salads, sandwiches, pies, gingerbreads.
The Holy Fathers categorically prohibit commemoration with alcoholic beverages. A state of intoxication does not contribute to a prayerful attitude. According to Saint John Chrysostom (347-407),
“Whoever commemorates with wine asks for great torment for the one commemorated.”
Serving and selection of dishes
Before dwelling on the choice of dishes, you should pay attention to the table setting. Everyone knows about maintaining a mournful and mournful atmosphere. However, some are not aware of the existing rules that it is advisable to follow:
- Dishes intended for holidays and ceremonial receptions are not placed on the funeral table. They eat from those cutlery that are used in everyday life;
- the tablecloth should not have ornaments or colorful inclusions that will distract from thoughts and prayers;
- If you organize a funeral meal with the most complete observance of traditions, then you should do without forks and knives. Our ancestors tried to avoid the use of any piercing objects, which, according to them, could pose a danger to the body of the deceased.
A simple and strict funeral table is one of the requirements for organizing a wake. The menu consists of simple and nutritious dishes that are useful on ordinary days, and during periods of grief will give strength to endure the loss.
First prayer for the departed
Remember, O Lord our God, in faith and hope the life of Thy eternal departed servant (Thy departed servant, Thy departed servant) (name), and as the Good and Lover of mankind, forgiving sins, and consuming untruths, weaken, forsake, and forgive all who will. (her) sins and involuntary, elevating him (s) to Your holy second coming into the communion of Your eternal blessings, for the sake of the only faith in You, the true God and Lover of mankind; for Thou art the resurrection and the life and the rest of Thy servant (name), Christ our God, and to Thee we ascribe glory, with Thy beginningless Father, and with the Most Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages, Amen.
How to express condolences via SMS
The development of technology makes it possible to express condolences not in person, but through SMS or by phone. When writing SMS text there is a limit on the number of characters, so 2-3 sentences will be enough. You can even send a few words - “Condolences”, “Rest in peace”, “We remember, we sympathize”, “Not nearby, but in the heart”.
Speech option for SMS
By sending an SMS, a person wants to show that he remembers the grief of another, and is ready to share it with him, even if that is not the case. Naturally, you shouldn’t send SMS to your loved ones; it’s better to come or contact by phone or video conference.
Second prayer
God of spirits and all flesh, having trampled down death and abolished the devil, and given life to Thy world!
Himself, Lord, give rest to the souls of your departed servants: your most holy patriarchs, your eminence metropolitans, archbishops and bishops, who served you in the priestly, ecclesiastical and monastic ranks; the creators of this holy temple, the Orthodox forefathers, fathers, brothers and sisters, lying here and everywhere; leaders and warriors who laid down their lives for the faith and fatherland, the faithful, who were killed in internecine warfare, drowned, burned, frozen to death, torn to pieces by beasts, suddenly died without repentance and did not have time to reconcile with the Church and with their enemies; in the frenzy of the mind of those who committed suicide, those for whom we were commanded and asked to pray, for whom there is no one to pray, and the faithful, Christian burial deprived of (the name of the rivers) in a bright place, in a green place, in a place of peace, from where sickness, sadness and sighing can escape .
Every sin committed by them in word or deed or thought, as a good Lover of mankind, God forgives, as if there is no man who will live and not sin. For You are the only one besides sin, Your righteousness is righteousness forever, and Your word is truth.
Funeral toasts
Not knowing what to say at funerals and wakes, they choose texts for speech in the form of poetry. Options for all kinds of toasts:
And in memory of you we will say a toast,
For it to be good there.
And, remembering you, let’s think not about the graveyard,
But only about why you were loved.
You have always been an example to us,
As a person with a pure soul.
And the memory of you is alive -
In the hearts and souls of your loved ones.
*
The grave of a loved one
People close to us leave,
Don't realize it's forever.
The pain of separation cannot be exhausted,
Until we hear “never”.
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help my grief.
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.
How we loved, only God knows.
Only we know how we suffered.
After all, we have gone through a whole series of adversities.
But they were never able to overcome death.
Troparion (from the Sequence of the Dirge)
Build with the depth of wisdom all things humanely and bestow upon all that are useful, O One Creator, rest, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant (or: the soul of Thy servant; for many: the souls of Thy servant), for place their trust in Thee (or for many: place their trust), the Creator and the Creator and our God. Glory, even now: To you and the Wall and the Refuge of the Imams, and the Prayer Book favorable to God, Whom You gave birth to, O Blessed Mother of God, the salvation of the faithful.
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Is it possible to offer condolences in the form of poems?
Variant of speech in poetic form
You can remember the dead in poetry only if they were creative people - writers, poets, acted in theater or cinema, or loved to recite poetry during their lifetime. Before delivering a speech in poetic form, you need to ask for the consent of other relatives and warn those gathered about the nature of the funeral speech.
Speeches in verse delivered at ceremonial meetings dedicated to the anniversary of the death of someone famous are acceptable. If you try to say this at a wake, for example, for a grandfather who worked all his life on a collective farm on a tractor, nothing good will come of it. The exception is the grandfather joker, who entertained the entire village with songs and ditties.
How to dress properly for a funeral
There are no special requirements related to clothing at a funeral. Only certain rules of decency and general recommendations specific to visiting temples apply:
- the clothing of all those present should be dark and dull;
- Traditionally, women are recommended to come in a long skirt or dress and with a scarf on their heads (it is advisable to refrain from bright makeup and perfume with a strong aroma);
- a man in church during the service must remove his headdress, regardless of the time of year (you can stand in a hat at the grave during litia and funeral services).
Trizna during Lent
During Orthodox fasts, funeral services are not cancelled. There can be a restriction only when 9 and 40 days fall during Lent. In such a situation, the commemoration is postponed to the next Saturday.
During Lent, the following is prepared for the funeral:
- Indiscriminate borscht or cabbage soup;
- Boiled potatoes, porridge, pasta;
- Vegetables;
- Baked pies and pancakes;
- You can serve fish on Annunciation and Palm Sunday.
A funeral service is the last duty we owe to the deceased. This is a difficult ritual, the purpose of which is to honor the memory of a loved one who has passed away forever.
Where to hold a memorial meal after the death of a person
Any wake consists of three main actions:
- visiting a temple;
- commemoration of the deceased in cemeteries;
- organization of a funeral dinner.
The funeral meal can take place at home, at the dacha, in a cafe or in any other place as agreed by its participants. But it’s not worth holding a wake in a noisy place where people are having fun and celebrating birthdays. If the entire cafe is reserved for a wake, you need to ask the employees to turn off the TV and loud music. Even sad songs (including live sound) are inappropriate on this day. It is better not to make a masquerade out of the wake, but to spend this day in peace and quiet.
General principles
Of course, the composition of the food will largely depend on the wealth of the family, the culinary traditions common in the area and on the number of people who are expected to come to the funeral. If you have the opportunity to cook everything at home with your family, you should offer those who come a simple lunch, without wasting time and effort on creating a complex menu and putting it into practice.
Funeral traditions also have their own obligatory dishes. This is, first of all, ritual kutia - porridge cooked from whole grains and flavored with honey and raisins. The funeral dinner itself should remain strict and simple, maintain mental and physical strength, and help maintain an atmosphere appropriate to the given moment. It is desirable that there be an even number of dishes, which must be consumed in a certain sequence.
