The essence of resentment and how to get rid of it? Biblical view

“The offender sins not as much as the one who allows the offense”

Basil the Macedonian

As a rule, all people have a sad experience of grievances, which can arise at any age and accumulate throughout their lives. To be offended or to forgive - this choice always remains with the person.

Resentment is an internal rebellion arising from perceived injustice, which manifests itself in various negative emotional states and behavior. Resentment can lead to condemnation, suspiciousness, and aggression. The basis of resentment is always wounded pride, self-justification, and pride. Touchiness is, first of all, a desire for a better attitude towards oneself.

The root of the grievance

We get offended when our ego is hurt in some way, when we are not appreciated enough, when we are not treated with due respect, or when we are insulted by word or deed.

If a person was offended, but he did not answer anything and forgave the offender with all his heart, this is the best option for resolving the situation. But a person may not forgive, and then the offense grows and becomes a sin. The worst thing is to give vent to your offense and hit back at the offender, not even knowing that the offender may be spiritually weaker than the one being offended and needs help, forgiveness and love.

“Refusal of Communion is surrender to sin”

Priest Valery Dukhanin:

— If a layman refuses Communion because of an offense against someone, then he thereby demonstrates his complete surrender to sin. Instead of making an internal effort, repenting, confessing, turning to the Lord for help, he refuses Communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. That is, he agrees with the state of sin at the moment and refuses union with the Lord in the sacrament of the Eucharist. This is very wrong. And every offense we have points to our weakness, to what we need to work on ourselves before the next Liturgy. For living with resentment for a long time is hell and torment.

In this sense, the priest has no way back. He will have to serve the Liturgy, and the Liturgy is the Kingdom of God revealed on earth. The light and joy of this Kingdom are above any earthly grievances. For no infringements and injustices on earth can be compared with the abundance of God’s Love revealed in the Kingdom of God. Let’s say someone said an offensive word to you, someone deceived or betrayed you, and then God Himself opens the doors of Paradise to you as the Kingdom of Love. What is someone’s word, someone’s betrayal for you, if the Lord Himself is next to you, opening the doors of heaven?

Sometimes our weaknesses are stronger than us. It can be difficult to cope with your feelings. And you need to look at yourself as if from the outside - see all the ugliness of this state of disgusting resentment. And after that, sighing from the very heart, say to the Lord: “God, forgive me, a sinner, weak, help me free myself from this offense, save those with whom I am offended, grant me freedom of love.” Such pure, heartfelt sighing will make your soul feel lighter. And at the Liturgy, pray for the offenders.

It is also important to look at the problem from a completely different perspective. The one who treated us unfairly and maliciously himself suffers from his own weaknesses, tormented by his own shortcomings. And that means he needs our spiritual help. It is not we who are injured by our offender, but he himself who is injured by the fact that he treats his neighbors like this. You need to pray for him in order to help him spiritually. And, of course, repay evil with good. This is the only way his soul can come to its senses, sober up, and repent. Through forgiveness and prayer we attract God's grace into our lives. And grace brings spiritual freedom, it consoles those who have suffered injustice, it transforms those who once caused offense to others.

Sin against yourself

Resentment is a sin, first of all, against oneself. In addition, resentment is the basis for a large number of sins. When a person is offended, his heart hardens and becomes insensitive. And often people with their mental pain become cynical, cruel, do not trust anyone, do not allow friendship, nor the love of other people, nor the love of God into their lives. Ultimately, resentment can develop into anger and guilt, destroy relationships between people and affect a person’s physical health.

“A merry heart does good as medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22). Many diseases, such as stomach ulcers, hypertension, diabetes mellitus, and nervous system disorders, arise from a long-term sense of resentment.

The manifestations of pride are multidimensional and touchiness is only one of its sides

Svetlana, and all of us, need to remember that the state of pride is included in the list of possible sinful states. Moreover, its manifestations are multifaceted. Among them are:

• exalting oneself and one’s achievements;
• contempt for other people;
• excessive moralizing;
• desire to teach others;
• inability to admit one's mistakes;
• persistence in one's own mistakes and inability to ask for forgiveness.

Holy Scripture and the Holy Fathers pay great attention to the fight against sins. At the same time, the most dangerous of them is considered to be pride and resentment as a form of its manifestation. Even if a person can successfully overcome such sins as envy, vanity, gluttony, etc., pride can lie in wait for him.

The fact is that the manifestations of pride are very complex and diverse, which makes it difficult to fight them, because often a person does not take the same touchiness seriously. This, in turn, can lead to an even greater fall from grace.

Video. Resentment is a sign of pride. How Touchiness itself attracts troubles to us! Archpriest Andrei Tkachev, in the first second of the video conversation, reminds believers of the words of the Lord’s Prayer about the need to forgive those who offend us.

Separately in this list it is necessary to highlight grievances (resentment) towards neighbors. The fact is that resentment is one of the oldest feelings. However, it does not go away quickly, but can last a long time. Such a state of mind in everyday life is usually perceived as a normal and common phenomenon.

Resentment is one of the oldest feelings.

Some parents tell their children that it is natural to be in a state of resentment and that this feeling strengthens character and allows a person to take measures to protect his honor and dignity.

However, the opinion of the Russian Orthodox Church is absolutely opposite to this feeling. A Christian must learn to overcome insults and treat even the person who offended him in the spirit of Orthodox morality.

If an unbeliever follows the lead of the media, which cultivates pride and selfishness, believers must be able to forget grievances. Touchiness can prevent you from creating the correct prayer because it requires:

• attentiveness and sincerity;
• repentant humility and contrition for all one’s sins;
• reconciliation with everyone and forgiveness of all offenses.

Saint Isaac the Syrian.
Fresco 14-15 century. Saint Isaac the Syrian said that being vindictive and praying is the same as sowing on the sea. Saint Isaac the Syrian taught:

“Being vindictive and praying is the same as sowing on the sea and waiting for the harvest.”

Isaac the Syrian

Saint

You must always remember this and learn to forgive insults. Otherwise, it is easy to become a hypocrite who only repeats the words of prayer, but does not have communication with God in his heart.

See also the article Pride is the worst sin

Offense against God

But the worst thing is that resentment against people can develop into resentment against God. “God, how did You allow this to happen to me, how could You put me in this situation?” - the man thinks.

We must understand that the Lord is all-good, He desires our perfection and purification. Therefore, sorrow should be accepted as a medicine from the Lord God Himself.

A person will not grow spiritually, will not develop, will not become wise if he does not overcome trials, problems, and insults with dignity.

“The word “forgive” must always be said, even through force”

Priest Dimitry Shishkin:

— With a grudge against someone, it seems to me that everything is not so complicated (if the case is not too “neglected”). Especially if we were wronged in vain. Because we can, at least, consciously resist this feeling of resentment in ourselves and confess our resistance and disagreement with the resentment before the Lord and serve the liturgy. Moreover, I dare to suggest that the conscious struggle with the sinful feeling of resentment and with its root - pride - is charged to a person (and a priest) in spiritual work, even in confession. And although this struggle is not easy, there is no sin in the presence and even gravity of such a feeling, if (again) the person himself resists it.

It’s another matter if you yourself offended someone, wittingly or unwittingly. This is where things get more complicated, especially if you haven’t had time to reconcile, ask for forgiveness, or this is impossible for one reason or another. Then you need to deeply and bitterly reproach yourself before the Lord and condemn without making excuses, and also pray for the person you offended. To ask the Lord for forgiveness, but still to serve the Liturgy in full awareness of one’s insignificance, in extreme hope of God’s mercy in view of a sincere desire for reconciliation.

In general, complete reconciliation is a gift from God, and just formally pronouncing the word “forgive” is not enough. But all the holy fathers say that if it is possible to say this very “forgive”, even through force, you should definitely do it. Just for the sake of Christ, for the sake of fulfilling the commandment of reconciliation. And even if a person does not respond with cordiality to such an expression of repentance, this will still be a real step towards reconciliation on our part. And then you can continue to pray both for the person himself and for reconciliation with him, hoping that a convenient reason will appear for the complete and mutual fulfillment of what was asked.

The main thing here is to not agree in your heart with alienation and resentment, as with something familiar and acceptable. Ask the Lord to forgive the offender the way we ourselves want the Lord to forgive us.

Thanks to the offender

Thanks to the offender, you can learn to control yourself - emotions, feelings, actions, thoughts - and look at the world differently. Therefore, the offender provides us with an irreplaceable service by making us stronger. As one sage said: “Our offenders are our first spiritual benefactors: they awaken us from spiritual sleep.”

You can also be calm about the offender, because there is a Judge over him - God, who will judge him impartially.

Even John Chrysostom wrote: “When the one who offended sees that his blow does not reach the souls of those offended by him, then he himself is greatly tormented, and as the offended remain silent, the blow of the offense turns back on its own and hits the one by whom it was sent.” In modern language, the boomerang law comes into play.

Resentment, or Who needs forgiveness and why

It's easy to offend people.
To comprehend this bitter truth, it is not at all necessary to be a psychologist or philosopher. All people, without exception, have the sad experience of experiencing an insult, and everyone knows how much a single unkind word can hurt the soul. Resentment haunts a person from early childhood. In the sandbox, a very small toddler brings another child to tears, taking away his toy or breaking the sand house he built. The next generation of schoolchildren with joyful laughter torments their classmates who are overweight, have poor eyesight or other physical defects with offensive nicknames. Well, I don’t want to talk about how scary, sophisticated and mercilessly adults can offend each other. And if a finely organized, vulnerable person cannot fight back against insult, betrayal or meanness, then the last argument in favor of his own rightness becomes a feeling of resentment. So why does Christianity encroach on this last stronghold of human dignity, why does it call for voluntarily giving up your inalienable right - not to forgive the pain and tears of the one who mercilessly burst into your life and scorched your heart? What kind of paradoxical call is heard in the Gospel: ... love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28)? This is probably the most incomprehensible commandment of Christ. In fact: why love those who hate, offend and persecute you? They probably need our love and forgiveness least of all in the world. So why then force yourself to such a difficult and thankless task? Why you can’t take revenge on your offenders is even more or less clear: after all, if you respond with evil to evil, then it’s unlikely that there will be less evil in the world. With well-deserved grievances, everything is also clear, since a simple and understandable principle applies here: if you earn it, get it and don’t complain. But what to do when you were offended for no reason, if you were spat on, trampled and humiliated simply because the offenders wanted it that way? Is it really possible to forgive too? When they grab a hammer

One of the best stories by Vasily Shukshin (which is called “The Resentment”) begins with a banal and, alas, ordinary situation: a person was rude. He came with his little daughter to the store to buy milk, and the saleswoman mistakenly took him for a hooligan who had started a drunken brawl there the day before. And no matter how much poor Sashka Ermolaev justified himself, no matter how much he explained to the people around him that he was not guilty of anything, it was all in vain. In front of his daughter they disgraced him and cursed him with the last words for who knows why. The story ends with a terrible picture: Sashka runs home to get a hammer to break the head of one of his offenders. And only a happy accident prevents him from committing murder. This is, of course, just a work of art. But in it, Shukshin was able to surprisingly accurately show a strange feature of the human soul - to react sharply and very painfully to unfair accusations. In fact, what does it matter if they say nasty things about you that you have nothing to do with! After all, your conscience is clear and, it would seem, it’s time to just laugh and feel sorry for the people who are so deeply mistaken about you. But that was not the case... As soon as someone speaks badly about us, a wave of hostility towards this person immediately rises in our souls. And if the offender persists in his ridiculous accusations, this hostility can develop into real hatred, clouding the eyes, rejecting common sense and demanding only one thing - to repay the offender at all costs. In such a state, it really won’t take long to grab a hammer... What kind of terrible force is this that can push an honest and respectable person to commit a crime just because someone told him all sorts of nonsense? In the language of Christian asceticism, such a force is called passion, but, of course, not in the sense that the authors of lyrical poems and romance novels put into this word. In the Christian understanding, passion is a certain property of human nature, which was initially good and useful, but later turned out to be disfigured beyond recognition by sin and turned into a dangerous disease. The patristic literature talks about eight main sinful passions, to one degree or another inherent in every person: gluttony, fornication, love of money, anger, sadness, despondency, vanity, pride. All these passions and diseases hide within us for the time being, remaining unnoticed, although in fact they can gradually determine the entire structure of our life. But as soon as those around you even slightly touch these sores, they immediately make themselves felt in the most direct way. Actually, this is exactly what happened to the hero of Shukshin’s story. After all, Sashka Ermolaev was indeed absolutely not to blame for the outrages that the saleswoman attributed to him. But the unfair accusation hit his vanity and pride hard, and they, in turn, aroused anger. As a result, a nice and kind man almost became a murderer. The clueless saleswoman and the indifferent customers who supported her attacks on the innocent were certainly wrong. And, of course, you can’t offend people; it’s even unnecessary to talk about it. But you can still perceive the insult inflicted in very, very different ways. You can grab a hammer. Or you can look into your heart and be horrified by the turbidity that an unjust insult has raised in it. It is in such a situation that it is easiest to see your spiritually painful state, to understand how deeply passion has taken root in you. And then the offenders become, albeit unwitting, but still benefactors who reveal to a person his spiritual ailments with their careless or even evil words and actions. This is how the holy righteous John of Kronstadt spoke about this: “... do not be irritated by ridicule and do not harbor hatred for those who hate and slander, but love them as your doctors, whom God sent you in order to admonish you and teach you humility, and pray for them To God... Say: they do not slander me, but my passion, they do not beat me, but this snake that nests in my heart and hurts it when slander is applied. I console myself with the thought that, perhaps, good people will knock it out of there with their barbs, and then it won’t hurt.”

From coal to fire

Very often people get offended by seemingly completely harmless things. It’s not just a word, but just a glance, a gesture or an intonation that is enough for a person to see in them something offensive to himself. It’s a strange thing: after all, no one even thought of offending anyone, but the offense is right there again, scratching your heart with a clawed paw and not allowing you to live in peace. The paradox here is that any unforgiven offense is always the “product” of the offended person himself and does not at all depend on anyone else’s efforts or lack thereof. Even the grammatical structure of the word offended directly indicates this. Indeed, in this case, “sya” is nothing more than the now out-of-use Slavic vowel of the pronoun “oneself.” Thus, being offended means offending oneself, that is, giving free rein to thoughts that kindle in the soul a sweet mixture of consciousness of one’s own humiliation and a sense of moral superiority over the offender. And although people do not like to admit such things even to themselves, everyone knows from childhood how pleasant it is to feel offended. There is some kind of unhealthy pleasure in this, becoming addicted to which you begin to look for offense even where there was no trace of it. F. M. Dostoevsky writes in “The Brothers Karamazov”: “It’s sometimes very pleasant to be offended, isn’t it? And after all, a person knows that no one offended him, but that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, exaggerated it himself in order to create a picture, became attached to a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, and yet he is the very first he is offended, he is offended to the point of pleasantness, to the feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby reaches true enmity...” In this all-familiar painful “pleasantness” of offense, one can find the answer to the question: why in Christianity is an unforgiven offense defined as a grave sin. To put it very briefly, the word sin is what the Church calls that which contradicts God’s plan for man. In other words, sin is everything that is contrary to our nature, destroys us, harms our mental or physical health, but at the same time promises some short-term pleasure and therefore seems desirable and pleasant. The suicidal principle of a person’s attraction to sinful “joys” is quite accurately expressed in the famous Pushkin line: “... Everything, everything that threatens death, / for the mortal heart conceals / inexplicable pleasures...” The Rev. Isaac the Syrian defined the destructive sweetness of sin even more categorically, who said, that the sinner is like a dog who licks the saw and becomes drunk with the taste of his own blood. It is not difficult to notice how much this tragic image resembles the rapture of one’s own resentment, described by Dostoevsky. And even if the offense turns out to be not far-fetched, but very real, this does not change anything. The ember of resentment can be carefully fanned in your heart by thinking about the injustice of what happened, endless mental dialogues with the offender, the consciousness of your own rightness, and other ways that an offended person will always have a great variety of. And as a result of all these “spiritual exercises,” resentment gradually turns from a small coal into a raging flame that can blaze in the soul for many months, or even years. And if, because of someone else’s offensive word or deed, a person ignited such a fire in his own soul, then it would be quite natural to say about him that he was offended. That is, he offended himself.

Right to be offended?

Several decades ago, a positive image of a touchy hero arose in Soviet culture (though his touchiness was then bashfully renamed vulnerability for the sake of euphony). This type wandered through various works of art and quietly took offense at the injustices and oppression that rained down on him from the generous author’s hand. This is how writers and filmmakers expressed their protest against human callousness, trying to draw the audience’s attention to the suffering and loneliness of a person in a soulless society of cog people. The goal was, of course, noble, and the image of a vulnerable hero worked here perfectly. But, unfortunately, every stick has two ends. The downside of this artistic method was the romanticization of resentment itself. After all, if the one who offends is bad, then the one who is offended is good. Therefore: to offend is bad, but to be offended is good. As a result of this identification of the hero’s moral assessments and his state of mind, a whole generation of very vulnerable, and in fact just touchy people, grew up on the same beautiful, piercing and kind stories of Vasily Makarovich Shukshin. They considered the right to be offended to be a completely normal attribute of a person with a fine mental organization, and therefore they reacted extremely sharply to the slightest manifestation of someone else’s rudeness and callousness. This moral position was very convincingly voiced in his lyric poem by Eduard Asadov:

How easy it is to offend a person: He took and threw a word, angrier than a pepper... And then sometimes a century is not enough to return a lost heart.

At first glance, everything here is correct and clear. And you should not offend a person under any circumstances, and you need to watch your words when communicating - that’s all true. But there is another very important theme in this short poem, which seems to be in the background and therefore not so noticeable. The offended hero (remaining, as they say, behind the scenes) turns out to be so vulnerable that because of one evil word he is ready to forever close his heart to a person, and to a person close to him, since you can only lose what was yours. From such categoricalness of the hero, from this intolerance of other people’s weaknesses and shortcomings, one becomes alarmed, first of all, for himself. After all, with such a “subtlety” of nature, in the end you can end up completely left in splendid isolation, offended by the whole world. And this state is much more terrible and destructive than the most evil words and insults. An offended person buries himself alive in the shell of his own claims to others, and even the Lord will not be able to free him from such a terrible imprisonment. Because you can break this shell only from the inside, by sincerely forgiving your offenders. And let the offenders not need our forgiveness at all. But we ourselves urgently need it. Hieromartyr Arseny (Zhadanovsky), killed by the Bolsheviks in 1937, wrote: “The virtue of forgiveness is also attractive because it immediately brings a reward for itself in the heart. At first glance, it will seem to you that forgiveness will humiliate, disgrace you and elevate your enemy. But that's not the case in reality. You have not reconciled and, apparently, have placed yourself highly - but look, you have placed an oppressive, heavy stone in your heart, and given food for mental suffering. And vice versa: you forgave and, as it were, humiliated yourself, but at the same time you lightened your heart, brought joy and consolation into it.”

Two certificates

It may seem that forgiveness is an easy matter for Christians, since they know so well what it means. However, this is not at all true. Forgiving offenses is always a feat in which, through your pain and humiliation, you need to see in the offender the same person as yourself, and through his anger and cruelty, you must discern the same spiritual illnesses that act in you too. This is very difficult to do, especially in cases where resentment has already taken deep roots in the soul, and even a conscious volitional effort does not always help in the fight against this misfortune. It happens, for example, that a person has forgiven his offender, but when he again inflicts an insult, the former evil sharply revives in the indignant soul. It happens that the offense is forgotten and the offender is forgiven, but if trouble happens to him, we experience some kind of secret cruel satisfaction. And if we have overcome this step, we still sometimes cannot contain our bewilderment and disappointment when we learn about the well-being of someone who once offended us. While formally forgiving the offense caused, in the depths of our souls we still continue to consider him our debtor and subconsciously hope that God will reward him as he deserves. But this is not at all the hope for future retribution that the Lord expects from us. Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh worked as a doctor after the war and communicated a lot with former victims of fascist concentration camps. These were people who were offended every day for several years in a row so terribly that one could not even think about it without shuddering. But what did they learn from this many years of experience of insults and humiliation, how did they treat their offenders? Bishop Anthony cites two unique documents in his book - a prayer written on a piece of wrapping paper by a deceased prisoner of the Dachau death camp, and the story of his old acquaintance, who himself spent four years behind barbed wire. Probably, you can theorize about Christian forgiveness for as long as you like, agree with it, or challenge it... But before this unanimous testimony of two people who endured unimaginable suffering, I just want to bow my head and reverently remain silent: ““Peace to all people of evil will!” Let all revenge, all calls for punishment and retribution cease. Crimes have filled the cup; the human mind can no longer contain them. The hosts of martyrs are innumerable. Therefore, do not place their suffering on the scales of Your justice, Lord, do not turn them against their tormentors with a terrible accusation in order to exact a terrible retribution from them. Give them something different! Put on the scales, in defense of executioners, informers, traitors and all people of evil will - the courage, spiritual strength of the tortured, their humility, their high nobility, their constant internal struggle and invincible hope, the smile that dried up the tears, their love, their tormented, broken hearts that remain steadfast and faithful in the face of death itself, even in moments of extreme weakness. Place all this, Lord, before Your eyes for the forgiveness of sins, as a ransom, for the sake of the triumph of righteousness, take into account good, not evil! And may we remain in the memory of our enemies not as their victims, not as a terrible nightmare, not as ghosts relentlessly pursuing them, but as assistants in their struggle to eradicate the rampantness of their criminal passions...” The second example is a man whom I knew very closely. He was significantly older than me, a participant in the First World War, where he lost an arm; he and his mother Maria Skobtsova saved people during the German occupation - Fedor Timofeevich Pyanov. The Germans took him to the camp, he was there for four years, and survived. When he returned, I met him by chance on the street and said: “Fyodor Timofeevich, what did you bring back from the camp, what did you come back with?” “I returned with horror and anxiety in my soul. - Have you lost faith? “No,” he says, “but while in the camp I was a victim of cruelty, while I faced the danger of not only death, but torture, I could say every minute: Lord, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing!” And I knew that God must hear my prayer, because I had the right to ask. Now I'm free; our tormentors, perhaps, did not understand and did not repent; but when I say now: Lord, forgive me, they don’t know what they are doing, suddenly God will answer me: how will you prove the sincerity of your forgiveness? You don’t suffer, now it’s easy for you to say... This is also a hero of forgiveness. And I am deeply confident that in the end, when we all stand before the judgment of God, there will not be such a victim who will not defend his tormentor, because before the time of the final Last Judgment of humanity comes, everyone, having died, will have time to look at yourself as if in the mirror of the Divine, see yourself in relation to Christ, see what he was called to be and was not, and will no longer be able to condemn anyone” (from the book of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh “Man before God”).

Was Jesus Christ offended?

Remember the life of the Savior. His countrymen from Nazareth, who knew Him as a good man and to whom He came to preach God's Word, dragged Him to the abyss to throw Him down. “...And they arose and cast Him out of the city and led Him to the top of the mountain on which their city had been built, in order to overthrow Him” (Luke 4:29). He wasn't offended by them!

The disciple, who had been around for many years and whom Jesus loved and tried to save from evil, sold Him for thirty pieces of silver. Jesus was not offended by him!

Christ was crucified on the cross, and those for whom Christ came, to whom He gave Himself all and whose sins He took upon Himself, walked by, spat at Him and insulted Him . He wasn't offended by them! But, on the contrary, he asked the Father to forgive the tormentors: “Father! forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Jesus was the only perfect man on earth. He came to people bringing love, comfort, healing, good news and eternal life. He helped everyone in need. And he was never offended by the unfair treatment and humiliation towards Him. So what right does any person mired in his sins have to be offended by anyone or anything? We were underestimated, humiliated, underpaid, insulted, and not helped in time. Did we ourselves do everything right, love everyone, help everyone, appreciate everyone? Is it logical to be offended by people like us?

Mechanism of action

Resentment is truly a destructive sin. It negatively affects both the offender and the offender. It all starts with the fact that a person feels that he was treated badly, rudely, that he deserved better treatment, and so on.

A person falls into the net of this sin because of his tendency to pride. I’m so good, how could he offend me? I don't deserve to be treated this way! That's it, I'm stopping communication with him!

While you are thinking this, the demons are applauding their perfect work and coming up with a plan to make things worse. Then the sin of resentment moves to a “higher” level.

For example, revenge. They hurt you, why endure it? They said something sharp - respond in kind, “disgraced you in front of everyone” - leave the podium, holding your head up proudly, hit you - don’t you have fists too? It used to be something similar: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

The process of offense is twofold: one offends, and the other is offended

The psychology of resentment is a twofold process. On the one hand, the feelings of the one who offends are affected, and on the other, the feelings of the one who is offended.

By studying the reasons for his touchiness, a Christian must learn to overcome his grievances, and also try to offend others as little as possible. At the same time, it is easy to offend, but it is very difficult to make amends for the offense.

"Sermon on the Mount". K.G. Bloch 1877. Love for your neighbor and the need to forgive is one of the main commandments of Christianity

Resentment is an unhappy, painful feeling. It completely contradicts God's commandment to love your neighbor. Unfortunately, in the modern world, resentment and touchiness have become a “normal” state for people.

5 – 11 months

at this age children show the first signs of resentment

Usually, resentment is understood as unjustly caused grief, as well as the feeling caused by this grief. It occurs when self-esteem is hurt. A person realizes this and protests against it.

At the same time, resentment is a very ancient feeling, so its signs can already be detected in children aged 5 - 11 months.

“The Insulted Jewish Boy” by I.N. Kramskoy. 1874 Traces of resentment are already found in children, since this is a very ancient feeling

If we try to study the causes of resentment, we can note that usually a person in a given situation feels undeservedly deprived or punished.

An offended person is unable to objectively assess the current situation and therefore this usually occurs if he has inflated self-esteem. When we are wronged, only God can judge what kind of treatment we deserve.

To combat resentment, you need to know the causes of resentment.

Believers often ask: how to deal with vulnerability? Overcoming grievances and curing resentment is possible only with God's help, and it is necessary to know the causes of grievances. Among the most common of them are:

• betrayal, betrayal and deceit;
• bullying, ridicule, slander;
• resentment of remark and teaching;
• manifestation of neglect, contempt;
• lack of measure, unceremoniousness;
• selfishness and selfishness;
• ingratitude;
• violation of obligations and refusal of a request;
• misunderstanding, insensitivity;
• difference of opinions and beliefs;
• non-recognition of authority and leadership.

Bruegel.
Pride. Engraving. Wayward people are characterized by demonic pride. Non-recognition of the authorities around them offends such people. Separately, it is worth noting such a reason for the appearance of grievances as non-recognition of leadership, seniority and authority. Willful people usually like to see how power operates and how they force others to act according to their will.

Most often, such people are dubious leaders and their authority is exaggerated. If they see that they are not being obeyed, they become wildly offended.

A leader may feel resentment if they are not obeyed.

Often in this case a person becomes a tyrant, a dictator. This is demonic pride. The Lord's answer to this situation is:

“Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant; and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.”

(Matt. 20:26,27)

Pride, detail of a column in Venice. Proud people are also characterized by resentment towards persons dependent on them if they refuse guardianship from such an influential person

Refusal to help is another common cause of resentment. Here, too, there is a relationship between a subordinate and a leader.

When a person refuses guardianship, his former or current boss, out of pride and pride, may be offended. The Holy Scriptures say this:

“Let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you openly.”

(Matt. 6:3,4)

That is, if you want to help, you need to do it and not expect gratitude or be offended by the refusal of help.

Comments

1. Nikita Pozdnyakov
   :

   04/20/2019 at 13:26

   Hello. Thank you for publishing my article “Touchiness as a Form of Pride.” True, without my consent and any link. In addition, additions and changes have been made to the article. I am also surprised that the author is not indicated anywhere, i.e. I am Nikita Ivanovich Pozdnyakov. Please clarify this misunderstanding. This behavior is unacceptable, especially for an Orthodox site.

   Answer

   admin

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   04/22/2019 at 09:14

   Hello! Thank you for pointing out the source of the article. Added a link to your work in the first paragraph + your name.

   Our author used your article as one of the sources, supplemented it and presented it for our website. As a result, we received it as the author’s from him. The author was given a warning.

   Answer

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Resentment can be overcome by complex spiritual work and turning to God

When dealing with resentment, the Church Fathers offer the following way:

1. Prayerful appeal to God for help.
2. Eradicating your sins and shortcomings.
3. Spiritual work on being kind to other people.
4. Actively countering evil with good.
5. Helping the offender eliminate his urgent need
6. A prayerful appeal to God for the physical and spiritual health of the offender and his success in godly deeds.

6 steps

must be done to combat resentment

Repentance. "Repentance of Panek Ilya." God's help, which can be obtained through repentance and prayer, is the key to victory over resentment.

When we say unpleasant words to each other, this is already a sin, and the resentment that arises from this is murmuring against the Lord. Murmuring leads to desecration of the image of God both in oneself and in the offender.

Moreover, such abuse often concerns a loved one. Hence the terrible moral gravity and therefore the duty of a Christian not to lead matters to offense.

It is better not to notice what this or that person said in response. You need to ask for forgiveness from the one you offended and forgive the offense yourself.

At the same time, you can say a lot of words, but only asking for God’s help helps to overcome grievances. Only prayer and repentance can cure a person from the sin of pride and resentment and help him enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Pride is an insidious and many-sided feeling

When offended, the strongest feeling arises when a person has been treated unfairly. At the same time, self-esteem, injured pride and condemnation of the offender can manifest themselves especially strongly.

For people leading a spiritual life, these feelings are no longer acceptable, and the fall of man may continue. The fact is that a small sin leads to a big one: pride gives rise to resentment, resentment gives rise to rancor, and that, in turn, turns into suspiciousness.

Venerable Abba Dorotheos. Fresco. Abba Dorotheos urged to keep the anger inside

Thus, pride can give rise to a snowball of various sins, and the “tool” of such a process will be ordinary resentment. By the way, you can notice the feedback of various sinful feelings in everyday life.

Envious people easily get offended for any reason at the person they envy. People say: “he who is envious” is touchy.

The highest degree of pride is a persistent unwillingness to forgive offenses. It manifests itself in the fact that the offended person stubbornly refuses to communicate with his offender, although the very cause of the offense has already been eliminated. Abba Dorotheos said:

“...By holding onto anger, we not only destroy prayer, we make it offensive to God, we turn it into sin.”

Abba Dorotheus

Reverend