Who are they, our children? A continuation of us? Our property? Or, even worse, material for the implementation of those projects and ambitions that we failed to realize in our lives?
At a meeting of seminary graduates, one of my classmates, and now the rector of several churches, a dean, stood up and said: “For me, serving the Church and serving the family stand in the same place.” It was not entirely usual to hear this from a dean, who, due to his duties, is responsible for several parishes, builds churches, and cares for many people. But then I thought and realized that he was right. If a priest has a dysfunctional family, it is very difficult for him to do God’s work. The Holy Apostle Paul writes: If anyone does not take care of his own, and especially those of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8). That's how tough it is. He does not write, for example: “Whoever prays poorly and does not care about his business,” and who does not care about his family.
The commandment to love God and neighbors is embodied primarily in the family
And even a priest, performing a service higher than which there is nothing in the world, serving the liturgy and establishing the Church of God, cannot forget about his home and family. A wife and a family are given to a priest once in a lifetime. He cannot remarry, and he must especially take care of his mother and help her. A holy place is never empty, a replacement can be found for any post, even the most responsible one, other people will come, but for the children of the father, and for the wife, no one can replace the husband.
In the modern world, where there is so little love left, the family is a quiet haven, a saving oasis, where a person should strive to escape all storms and worries. The commandment to love God and neighbors is embodied primarily in the family. Who else to love if not the people closest to us - children, relatives? By loving them, we learn to love God. For how can you love Him whom you have not seen without loving those with whom you live?
Subscribe to our INSTAGRAM account!
We are often driven to perform some kind of feat, to help someone, to save someone, but the Lord will ask us first of all about how we took care of our family, the children entrusted to us, how we raised them.
Let's dwell on this for a moment. Who are they, our children? A continuation of us? Our property? Or, even worse, material for the implementation of those projects and ambitions that we failed to realize in our lives?
God gives children. They are God’s children and only then are they ours. And God gives them to us for a while to ask for them. When we understand this, we will not harbor false illusions and grieve from resentment against them. They say they spent their whole life and energy on children, but they didn’t get what they wanted.
Parents in most cases love their children more than their parents' children. And the expectation of great childhood love is real selfishness. Let's start with the fact that a normal father, a normal mother have children for themselves, at that moment they do not think at all that anyone will thank them for this.
Reasons why people have children:
1) love for children;
2) to have support in old age.
And hardly anyone thinks that they have benefited their future child or improved the demographic situation in the country. Children did not ask them to give birth, we do it for ourselves. Those who love children know that they can give us much more joy and happiness than we can give them. It is a heavy cross to not have children. We should be grateful to them that we have them.
It can be bitter to listen to parents’ complaints about their children, on whom they supposedly spent the best years of their lives, a lot of money and mental strength, and who repaid them with black ingratitude. There is no need to be like Rockefeller, who billed his already grown children for all the years when he watered and fed them. We need to regret not the lost years and money, but the fact that we could not raise our children as worthy support for their parents, could not win their love.
And therefore, the main task of parents is not to give the child the best clothes, food and toys, but to educate him. That is, to cultivate the image of God in him, to save his soul, and the rest will follow.
I know first-hand about school education, since I taught for quite a long time both in Sunday school and in the most ordinary vocational school. And I see with pain that every year the situation with children is getting worse. And how could it be otherwise when no one cares about the children: neither parents, nor school. Previously, at least there were educational programs, clubs, sections. Now there are almost none.
Subscribe to our Yandex Zen channel!
But sex education classes are being introduced in schools. All that remains is the TV and computer. A child turns on the TV and sees, for example, Fyodor Bondarchuk’s film “The 9th Company,” where the speech is constantly flavored with obscenities and a group sex scene is shown. They say that one “Afghan” in anger broke the disk with this film, saying that this is not true and slander about the Afghan war, it is not even historically true, the 9th company did not die, as shown in the film.
In the film Antikiller, the main character, “a knight without fear or reproach,” smokes weed. And there are many such examples, because even our Minister of Culture Shvydkoy called for declaring swearing our national treasure. TV constantly broadcasts films that just a few years ago fell under the article “Production and display of pornography.” To this we need to add children's (!) erotic magazines, sex education classes at school and much more.
On the same TV there is constantly explicit and hidden advertising of alcohol and tobacco, and in many films - even drugs. Drugs have become very accessible, and beer is generally sold at the price of mineral water. When I was at school, we knew only one drug addict from our school, but now this problem has overwhelmed all educational institutions.
Why am I telling all this? Not to intimidate anyone. I think everyone already knows about these problems. It is important to understand something else: now is not the time when we grew up and were brought up, not to mention the older generation. And without faith in God, without Christian moral commandments, without Orthodox culture, we will not raise children.
Even 17–20 years ago it was possible to rely on universal human values in education, today it is not. Time is lost. Christian, Orthodox upbringing gives the child an inoculation, spiritual immunity against all the evil that is increasing every day. And the struggle for the soul of a child goes not only through the cult of the dollar, sex and material values.
We live in a country of victorious occultism and Satanism. To understand this, it is enough to look through any newspaper with advertisements for witchcraft services and go to any book tray. It is impossible to defeat this kind (demonic) by material means. That's what faith is for. If a child learns “what is good and what is bad” not according to Mayakovsky, but according to the Law of God, if he receives a core of faith in God in his life, if he learns that for all our deeds we will give an answer not only beyond the grave, but also in this life, he will be able to resist the world and its evil. Vysotsky has the words: “If cutting a path with your father’s sword, you wound salty tears on your mustache, if in a hot battle you experienced how much it costs, then you read the right books in childhood.” And our task is to give children these books, that is, education.
By the way, about books. It is very important to instill in a child from childhood a love of reading and a taste for good literature. This should be done as early as possible, without being lazy, reading aloud to the children. If the baby gets used to good, real books, he will not have the desire to read bad ones. Now is the time of computers, DVDs and mobile phones, and young people read very little. But you can learn to use a computer very quickly, but learning to read books without having such a habit since childhood is very difficult. The same can be said about high-quality, good films and cartoons.
By cultivating a child’s taste in this area, we will protect his eyes and ears (and most importantly, his soul) from obscene, mediocre crafts. He most likely won’t be able to watch them himself. While buying CDs for children, I was surprised to find out what a huge number of wonderful domestic films and cartoons for children we have. And of course, they cannot be compared with Western products.
Now let's move on to our main topic: raising children in the family.
Father Pavel wrote more than 10 books on the topic of family and marriage
In his book “He and She,” Archpriest Pavel Gumerov tries to answer questions about why the Lord created us this way, what a woman and a man expect from each other, what their purpose is, how to understand each other and come to mutual understanding.
“People have a need to speak out, take a burden off their minds and want advice. But they often go not to church, but to a psychoanalyst.
But no psychologist has the power to bind and solve human sins. A person will never completely solve his spiritual problems if he does not turn to God.
It’s also good if the psychologist is a believer and can direct a person to church.”
Buy the book “He and She” in the online store OZON.ru
The book “Small Church” talks about how to build a family so that it is morally healthy and happy. Father Pavel turns to modern life and talks in detail about how to protect a family from the dangers that await it, which have a destructive effect on it.
“The Christian family is sometimes called the small Church.
And the mission of this Church is to bring light to people, to preach the truth that there are strong, happy families where people believe in God and love each other.”
Buy the book “Little Church” in the online store OZON.ru
“Family conflicts. Prevention and treatment. The Priest's View" is a book about how to learn to calmly and constructively resolve family conflicts, how to overcome disagreements in the family and come to unity, and survive crises.
The publication is dedicated not only to family conflicts, but also contains rules for a happy family life of an Orthodox Christian.
“...how to learn to resolve family conflicts calmly, productively and constructively, how to overcome our differences and come to family unity, how to survive family crises...”
Buy the book “Family Conflicts. Prevention and treatment. The Priest's View" in the online store OZON.ru
This is how the author himself talks about the work “Civil Marriage”. The beginning of family life or prodigal cohabitation?”: People living in a “civil marriage” often come to church, either to confession or to talk with a priest.
Many of them feel great discomfort from their dubious condition; they want to know why the Church condemns “civil marriages” and want to get an answer from the priest: what should they do next, how should they live?
“I very often have to talk with such people and based on these conversations, I wrote this book.
I hope that it will help someone understand their personal life and their “marriage” will change from a “civil marriage” to a real one.”
Buy the book “Civil Marriage” in the online store OZON.ru
The publication “Three Pillars of Family Happiness” was recognized by the Publishing Council of the Moscow Patriarchate as the best book for young people in 2012 and was awarded a 1st degree diploma.
“Books about family and family problems will always be popular with readers. This topic is always relevant, because family is the basis of any human society.”
Buy the book “Three Pillars of Family Happiness” in the online store LiveLib.ru
All books by Pavel Gumerov, articles, conversations and interviews with him can be found on his official website.
Official website of Pavel Gumerov
There is also a biography of the archpriest, photo albums, reviews of books and a website. Here are some of them:
Alexei:
Father Pavel, your books are truly a breath of fresh air for me! God bless you and help you in all your endeavors! Low bow to you!
Review on the website of Pavel Gumerov
Irina:
Hello. I read your book “He and She”, although I am not married, I learned many interesting things, I will try to remake myself in some moments on my own.
Your books are better than any psychologist, I am the person who cannot open up to either a psychologist or a priest in church, it’s hard for me to do this, I don’t know why.
After reading your book “He and She,” I regret only one thing: I lived in a civil marriage with a man, I realized that we are not testers, we have one life and we must be “painted” in front of the church.
THANK YOU. I will continue to read your literature; I haven’t fully figured myself out yet).
Review on the website of Pavel Gumerov
On the website Pravoslavie.Ru there are articles by Father Paul about family, fidelity, and the life of an Orthodox Christian.
By leaving a comment, you accept the user agreement
Raising children in a family
Maybe I’ll say a banal thing, but raising a child needs to start with working on yourself . There are famous proverbs: “Oranges are not picked from an aspen tree” and “An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” How we would like to see our children in the future is how we should be now, when our children live and communicate with us. We must teach by example of life. If a father rants about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco while puffing on a cigarette and sipping beer, will this have any effect?
One day I witnessed a very unpleasant scene. Two young mothers stood on the street and talked. Their small children (no more than four years old) were playing two steps away. And the most monstrous obscene language flew out of the mouths of these women every second word. I have never heard such abuse from seasoned mechanics and former prisoners. Who will grow up from these mothers' children? Not hard to guess. The same people like to use foul language. And where there is swearing, there are certainly other vices.
When I was a teenager, it was almost impossible to meet a woman smoking on the street. Now even young mothers pushing a stroller smoke, even on the playground. Moreover, often people do this not maliciously, they have simply completely lost the ability to distinguish between “good” and “bad.” They are so accustomed to drinking, smoking, and foul language that they consider all this the norm of life.
One day my wife and children and I came to the playground. Besides us, there were several old women on benches and a man and a woman who were sitting right on the boards of the sandbox. The man was smoking. I approached him and asked him to leave, since there was a children’s playground and children were walking around. Oddly enough, he took my call completely normally, apologized, put out his cigarette and left. I think he just didn’t think that his smoking was unpleasant or harmful to someone.
I will give an example of how admonitions are sent to parents for an ungodly life and how the Lord shows them how much harm they cause to their children. Archimandrite of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra Kronid (Lyubimov) spoke about an incident that happened to his fellow countryman, a peasant in the village of Ketilovo, Volokolamsk district. His name was Yakov Ivanovich. He had a son, Vasily, eight years old. For some time now he began to have fits of unbearable foul language, which were accompanied by blasphemy against the sacred. At the same time, his face became black and scary.
His father tried to punish him, throwing him into the basement, but the boy continued to curse from there. The boy’s father said that he himself doesn’t swear when he’s sober, but when he drinks, he’s the first to swear on the street and swear in front of the children. He himself was aware that he was to blame for his son's obsession. Archimandrite Kronid advised the peasant to tearfully repent of his sins and pray to St. Sergius for the healing of his son.
Arriving at the Lavra a year later, the peasant said that his son soon fell ill and began to melt like a candle. For two months he was ill and was unusually meek and humble in heart. No one heard a bad word from him. Two days before his death, he confessed and took communion and, having said goodbye to everyone, died. The shocked father stopped drinking and never uttered swear words again. This incident shows how responsible we are for our every action and word spoken in the presence of children. We know well from the Gospel what awaits the one who seduces one of these little ones.
The main educational factor is the atmosphere prevailing in the family. What a child sees and receives in the family, in childhood, forms 80% of his character.
Now a theory has emerged that there is no bad inheritance from parents of alcoholics and drug addicts. It’s just that teenagers, being in an environment where they drink and use drugs, themselves adopt these vices. I am not a doctor, it is difficult for me to judge the correctness of this hypothesis, but I will say one thing: a child has no sins, adults commit sins . There are many examples of children from families of alcoholics being brought up in prosperous families and growing up to be completely normal people. Heredity was overcome with love and care.
The same can be said about other sins. For example, a father is prone to anger and often yells at his wife. My son grows up exactly the same. And everyone says that he is just like his father. In fact, he really inherited an impulsive, emotional character from his parent, but he took his role model from his dad. Children inherit character and temperament traits from us, but how they use and develop them depends on our behavior and how we raise them. Thrift can become thrift, or it can become stinginess. Firmness can develop into perseverance, or it can turn into stubbornness and tyranny.
Therefore, it is important to discern the characteristics of a child’s character even in infancy and give them proper development, and not strive at any cost to remake them or impose something that is not at all typical for the child. The same can be said about abilities. If a teenager has the talent of an artist, and they want to make him a mathematician at any cost just because his dad is a professor of mechanics and mathematics, you can greatly harm your beloved child.
The kind of relationship between the spouses greatly influences the condition of the children. After all, a family is a single organism, and children are inseparable from us. Psychologist Maxim Bondarenko gives the following example: “A father comes for a consultation with his son. The problem is stated to be the son's poor performance at school and his reluctance to study. As the conversation progresses, it turns out that the father constantly quarrels with the mother because he is jealous of her. It would seem, what does this have to do with my son’s studies? It turns out it's direct. Since he is afraid of his parents’ divorce, he unconsciously pulls some of the conflict energy in the family onto himself. For this he “had to become” a bad student.
As a result, parents direct part of their aggression addressed to each other towards their son, who thus unknowingly “saves” the family from collapse. So it turns out that the father and mother are engaged in “raising” him instead of solving the problem of their own relationships.”
“When the family is together, then the soul is in the right place,” says popular wisdom.
If parents want to raise good children, they must understand themselves and achieve good relationships. Then it will be easier to raise children. The problem of modern parents is the lack of free time; in this time pressure, very few hours are left for children, especially fathers. And this is understandable, times are hard, you need to earn money. But still find time to play and work with the children. And they will thank you for this, even by making you closer to each other.
One dad said: “I used to think it was an unaffordable luxury to go with my children to the zoo, nature, or a circus performance. I didn’t consider myself such a free person to waste time on such trifles. It’s better to pray and read the Gospel. But God broke and completely changed my ideas about spiritual life. I realized that my spirituality as a father is to spend all my free time with my children. No amount of spirituality can justify the need to raise your own children. And now we go to the zoo, play together and walk in the forest.”
The role of the father is especially important in raising boys. The way you played football with your children, went hiking, made pilgrimages, made something together will be remembered for a lifetime. Childhood memories are the brightest, brightest, they shine for us like stars all our lives. Many dads, feeling guilty towards their children due to lack of communication, lavish their children with expensive things and toys, but often the children do not need this at all. It would be much more valuable to them if dad did something with them, fixed a car or taught them how to saw and hammer nails.
We often complain about the bad influence of the street and school. Do we ourselves spend a lot of time with children, influence them, are we interested in how they live, what films and songs excite them? Parents should be their children's first friends, maintaining, of course, subordination and avoiding familiarity.
Should children be praised? I think it is necessary. Family, dad and mom, is the whole world for a child. He has done something, but still cannot objectively assess his success and has no life experience. An adult can receive an assessment of his work at work, from friends, relatives, but a child can only receive feedback from his parents. And praise, even for small success, is of great importance for further creative growth. And on the contrary, children to whom their parents repeat: “You are stupid, incompetent, fat,” “Nothing good will come of you,” grow up stupid, inept, losers. If a child, even a really sick one, is constantly looked after and protected from everything, he will consider himself sick and defective all his life. A so-called inferiority complex arises.
Orthodox Life
Of course, status is very important for a man, his position at work and in society, but we know that if a person does not sit idle, then in Moscow he can always earn enough to feed his family. I liked how one “guest of the capital” recently said on the “Moscow Speaks” radio: “If you just left your house in Moscow in the morning, you can earn money for your family.” The so-called guest workers, whom we look down on, can serve as an example of the right attitude towards work: they look for it, offer their services and ultimately achieve their goal and feed their families. But it is very important that a man’s desire to earn money is supported by both his children and his wife, who would respect any work that he is ready to do.
– Logically, crisis situations should unite the family, but in reality the opposite is often true.
– This often happens when an external crisis is layered on top of an internal crisis in relations between people. All families experience such crises, as well as the crises of growing up and aging. Just as the seasons change in nature, so in family life there is falling in love; the honeymoon is spring. Summer youth is the birth and raising of children, autumn is the harvest when we reap the fruits of education, and finally winter is old age, the time to take stock.
Someone is trying to preserve eternal youth. What for? Youth has many not only positive aspects, but also negative ones: a constant struggle with passions, temptations, inexperience and, as a result, mistakes and stuffed bumps. Each period of family relationships is beautiful in its own way. And for some reason, some people, after living for 25–30 years, decide to start all over again and leave their family. The reasons for this, in my opinion, are the cult of eternal youth imposed on us with its motto “Take everything from life”, and the inability to see the good that God sends us in each new period of life. Meanwhile, such an artificial prolongation of the period of “youth” is unnecessary stress that does not go away without a trace.
Speaking about age stages and periods, I want to say a few more words about old age. This is not only a time of withering and infirmity, no! This period can be wonderful in its own way. In it, the Lord gives opportunities that are not available at any other time in human life. Firstly, this is everyday experience, knowledge and skills acquired in the process of a long life. The second is the availability of free time. Even if his strength is not what it used to be, an elderly person can do a lot. Many of my friends, having retired, began to bring great benefit to people, serving with their skills in Orthodox parishes. For example, one of my friends, a person of retirement age, constantly pleases the parishioners of the temple with delicious pies, and even involves her girlfriends in this business when a lot of baked goods are needed for the holidays. Look who mostly works in churches, especially on the periphery? Pensioners. After all, a large amount of time is freed up: there are no more work responsibilities, the children have grown up, all things have been redone. Here, considerable opportunities open up to serve God and people, and to receive great benefit and joy ourselves. And helping children and communicating with grandchildren, for whom there was little time left due to being busy at work... Yes, there are many more things you can think of! And older spouses now have much more time to take care of each other, be together, and communicate.
In old age, another very important opportunity opens up, which working people are deprived of: the opportunity to pray more at home and often go to church. In the Church of St. Nicholas at the Rogozhskoe cemetery, where I served for many years, there was one parishioner. Everyone called him Uncle Lesha. This old man was distinguished by his piety and great kindness. He constantly brought the fruits of his garden to the temple and shared them with his brothers and sisters in Christ. He came to the Church after the death of his wife. When she died, he began to go to church almost every day and prayed at all services. My father-in-law, when he reached retirement age, began to go to church very often, and even every day during fasting. This is possible, of course, only when a person has already retired.
– What crises does every family experience in its life, and how to get out of them?
– As a rule, the first crisis begins almost immediately after marriage. According to statistics, 25% of marriages, that is, a quarter, break up in the first year. Oddly enough, one of the very first stresses of this time is the transition from the state of a single person to the status of a married person. This is often associated with a move to a new place of residence, a change of job, the appearance of new relatives, and, of course, common adjustments. All this requires enormous effort from a person. Psychologists say that when getting married, a person experiences more stress than even during a divorce. By the way, stress and tension can be caused not only by sorrows and problems, but also by joyful events, such as the birth of a child.
One young woman really wanted to get married. Then, thank God, I started a family and was very happy. Soon after the wedding, I asked her: “How are you, how is your family life?” She said that everything was fine, but it was very difficult; new, previously unfamiliar difficulties and problems had appeared. Which? Before that, she lived with relatives, but now she needs to cook and run the household herself. And before she didn’t have much incentive to master it all. Previously, her house was very close to her place of work, but now she has to travel a long time to get to work. There were other household little things. I advised her to find the positive aspects in new difficulties. For example, yes, it’s difficult now, but over time she will learn to cook and do housework well, which is very important for any woman, especially a married woman. Yes, now she spends a lot of time on the road, but she can spend it usefully. For example, listen to audiobooks in the car or subway: Holy Scripture and the works of the Holy Fathers, and just good books. So you won’t be annoyed by traffic jams, and you’ll learn a lot of new things. In any difficulties you need to be able to find meaning and benefit. By the way, overcoming everyday problems together can also greatly unite spouses if they do household chores together.
One more thing. It is especially important that marriage is not preceded by a period of cohabitation, as, unfortunately, is often practiced. This is a great sin that destroys all future family life. When newlyweds have no experience of living together, they maintain a relationship of romance, reverence, and reverent attention to each other for quite a long time, which greatly helps to survive all the stress and difficulties.
Also important is the period of courtship preceding marriage, when each of the future spouses tried to behave better, not always out of a desire to get married or to seduce someone, but because then they really wanted to do something for their loved one, they wanted to somehow serve each other. These good memories of the past always help to get through any difficult situation.
When they come to me for confession and say: “Everything in my life is bad now,” the first thing I ask is: “Didn’t you have anything good in your life in the first years of marriage?” If a person remembers something good, then he has something to return to. If, even before marriage, he had continuous conflicts and quarrels with his future soulmate and it is difficult for him to remember something bright, then it can be much more difficult to correct the situation.
It is very important for each spouse to be able to step into the shoes of the other. A man and a woman are different creatures, and you need to be very sensitive to understand what is going on inside the other, how the other sees the situation.
The next family crisis is usually associated with the birth of a child. At this time, it often happens that the wife turns all her attention to the baby and forgets about her husband, while the husband also has the additional burden of having to work for two.
At this time, the wife very often takes offense at her husband because he stops helping her. The husband, in turn, is offended by his wife because she does not pay attention to him at all. The child becomes a stumbling block, instead of bringing the spouses together even more. In this situation, it is very important to be able to step into the shoes of another and try to understand the essence of the conflict. Then the wife would remember that before giving birth to the child, she “met” him for nine months, got used to him, carrying him under her heart, and the father first saw the baby only in the maternity hospital, hence his “indifference” to small children, for which may simply be hiding fear. Also, a husband may be jealous of his wife for the baby, who has completely absorbed her attention. The wife must understand that the child will not leave her, but she may lose her husband. In addition, the wife’s excessive concern about the baby’s health most often comes from inexperience.
To improve relationships in such a situation, you can do some things together, for example, bathe a child. This is a great reason for walking together, or you can replace your wife with your father on the walk, and then this is a good opportunity for him to get to know the baby better. My wife and I always remember with warmth and bright sadness those times when we spent hours walking small children, pushing them in a stroller.
The period of giving birth and raising children is comparable in tension only to some kind of global construction site. At this stage, the husband and wife, as a rule, have no time to sort things out with each other. But now the children have grown up - the “construction” is finished. A certain period of stability and routine begins. By this time, other important problems have been resolved: the birth of first children, purchasing housing, relationships with mother-in-law. It’s time to “live for yourself,” but that was not the case. During this period, many people break down because they have lost the most important thing in this bustle - love, affection for each other, mutual understanding.
In this regard, I remember the sad story of my friends’ family. The family was very good, Orthodox, with many children, but this third crisis happened. The children began to grow up, life was settled, the house was almost built. And the spouses began to move away from each other more and more, quarrels and scandals became more frequent. Instead of sorting out their relationship, meeting halfway, looking for common ground, supporting each other, they chose a different path. Everyone began to live their own lives. The husband is involved in work and hobbies, the wife is also involved in work, study and children. Friends, seeing all this, tried to somehow help them, I also spoke with them several times. But it was no use. They didn't believe that anything could be changed. Once I was talking with my friend’s wife and told her: “Tanya, you and Andrey live almost separately, don’t communicate and don’t want to change anything. Now you find an outlet in children, build a house, write a diploma and try not to think about family problems. But very little time will pass, 12–15 years, and all your children will grow up, start families and leave you. By that time you will have built a house, and, of course, you will also receive a diploma. So what are you going to do? After all, you and your husband can’t see each other now...” “Well, then we’ll make peace and take care of each other,” she answered. Then I objected that maybe it would be too late to change anything. They broke up not after 12 years, but much earlier. Now Tatyana lives alone with her children in a huge house, the elders have already grown up, her husband sometimes comes to visit the children.
The next difficult period is the so-called “empty nest crisis,” when many families break up after 20–25 years of marriage. Many spouses, left alone, suddenly realize that they have become completely different. This is where we need to remember what happened at the beginning of their journey together. The famous writer Tatyana Ustinova writes about her observations from inside this situation. She recalls how she and her husband, for the first time in many years, went on vacation together, without children, and realized how great it could be to rediscover ourselves for each other. This is comparable to some kind of return to the premarital period.
We must always remember that a person changes not only mentally, but even physically, about seven times in his life. You need to study a person all the time, think and pray about him all the time. It is also important to remember that the meaning of Christian life, especially family life, is to live for others.
“However, very often at this time men leave the family in search of some kind of novelty, while women endure this period of stability more calmly.
– Indeed, there are many cases when men, having lived 25–30 years with their wives, went to young ladies. And often it is not only the man who is to blame for this. A woman must understand that there are these periods of crisis in family life. That a wife should always remain an attractive woman for her husband, and not just be immersed in routine and everyday life. More often, a man leaves not only because someone attracts him with his youth, but because he is tired of the endless routine of his family life, of his wife’s lamentations and claims. It is more pleasant for him to spend time with a woman who speaks good words to him; he wants to return to this period. And with his wife, he feels like an adult son with his mother, who always gives him advice and makes comments.
Even if the man left, the woman must understand for herself what she did wrong and why this happened. It often happens that with another woman a man finds exactly what he was missing in his family. I in no way justify men; they can be accused of promiscuity and infantilism. But women very often, after 40 years, stop taking care of themselves, do not bring any novelty into family life, but on the contrary, they often educate and blame, which is why a man has an internal justification for his betrayal: “Yeah, she nags me, she won’t let me live, so I’ll leave her.”
Many women admitted in confession that they themselves unwittingly pushed the man to leave. On the other hand, I have heard confessions from men that if his wife gives him warmth, affection, kindness, he is so ashamed in front of this woman that he cannot cheat on her. Although, of course, it also happens that men behave in completely inappropriate ways. Our time is a time of debauchery and temptation. And if a person is not used to controlling himself and allowed himself a lot before marriage, then it is very difficult for him to overcome his nature, and when his wife begins to experience age-related changes, the man begins to look for adventures “on the side.”
– It often happens that a person’s family life is very closely intertwined with spiritual life, and when a crisis begins in the family, it spreads to the person’s worldview.
– In spiritual life, everything is very similar to family life. At the beginning, when a person is baptized, the Lord is somehow specially close to him. Then it seems to a person that all he has to do is pray, and the Lord will fulfill everything. Many newly baptized people testify that this is how it happens. But you don’t need to think that everything will continue to go so smoothly. In fact, a person is only first given special grace to strengthen him in faith. And then a person must learn to receive this grace himself. Man himself must go to God. First, he is given the gift of love, and then he himself must make efforts to increase it.
Periods begin when both sorrows and temptations come. Many people say: you know, when I was almost in a sect, everything was fine with me, no thoughts struggled with me, but now I was baptized - and sorrows came. This happens because in a sect a person is already under the power of demons, and when he begins to lead a truly spiritual life, he is freed from their power, which is why they try to bring him back to themselves. This is why struggles with passions begin.
Certain spiritual crises are associated with certain age periods. The youthful period is a period of temptations. “From my youth many passions have fought me”... Remember this church hymn? It is much more difficult for young people to resist passions than for middle-aged people. But middle age comes with its own crisis. A person begins to feel that he has not accomplished anything in life, that there will be nothing new in life. If I couldn’t get married, my life is over. In this regard, it is very useful to remember that earthly life, compared to eternity, is only a short episode. It is not so important how much you have achieved in life, as what state of mind you have received.
In old age, a person begins his spiritual crises. As a rule, in people who do not lead a constant spiritual life, passions intensify in old age. Therefore, in old age, many become more irritable, grouchy and gloomy - these are signs of a person being captured by the passion of anger, irritability and despondency. Changes begin in an aging body, a person becomes weaker, it seems to him that no one needs him, that he has lived his life in vain.
But at any age it is important to understand: spiritual life is work, it is always an effort on oneself, a small feat. It is interesting that the word “feat” itself has the verb “to move” at its root. Without effort on our part, no joy in life will come to us. On the other hand, no human effort is left unattended by the Lord. John Chrysostom says: “The Lord kisses intentions too,” that is, in Russian, “greets.” Therefore, even if a person failed to cope with something at some point, he always has the opportunity to repent and start all over again.
– Father, what can you advise those who are now in a state of family crisis?
– Yes, a crisis is a difficult time, it’s a test for the family. This is a kind of warning to us from above that not everything in our lives will be simple and smooth, that it is impossible to live without difficulties. But there is no need to panic. After all, many people think that once problems started, there was a certain cooling of feelings - that’s it, love is gone, nothing can be corrected or returned. But, as Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh said, it is not for nothing that the Gospel is read at the wedding about how Christ miraculously made up for the lack of wine so that the wedding celebration could continue. The grace of God is capable of replenishing our impoverishment; we just need to pray to God and work on ourselves and our family life.
- Therefore, the first thing to do is to start praying intensely. When it is difficult, it is necessary to especially diligently call on God, the Mother of God and the patron saints of the family, and pray for each other.
- Second: you cannot rely on feelings. Feelings come and go, cool down and flare up again. But true love remains. After all, we create a family to be together not only in joy, but also in sorrows and difficulties. In the Catholic wedding rite there are these words: “I take you as my wife (or husband) to be with you always: in wealth and in poverty, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, from this day until until the death separates us". Uniting in the Orthodox sacrament of marriage, the spouses, of course, also give each other vows of fidelity, love and mutual bearing of burdens. As a sign that from now on they are dividing everything in half, husband and wife drink a common cup at the wedding.
- The third piece of advice that can be given to spouses experiencing a family crisis is precisely related to bearing the burdens of the other. No matter how hard it is for you, you need to understand that it’s also not easy for your soulmate right now, and maybe even harder than for you. Therefore, try to take the place of your loved one, understand him, not remake him, but try to help. A crisis is a time of repentance and correction of our own mistakes. It shows what we did wrong before, what we missed. Study, analyze your family life, the current situation, the other person. Read literature on family topics.
- Fourth. Yes, times are difficult, and it’s difficult for you now. It may be difficult for you now to even be near your neighbor, it’s not easy to communicate with him. But, as one priest I know recently said: “If you don’t like a person now, try to find the good sides and traits in him, and your attitude towards him will change after a while.” Therefore, we will try to see the good in our other half and not notice the bad.
- Fifth. In a crisis, you need to seek mutual understanding, be able to talk, discuss the situation. But... only in a calm, peaceful state of mind and only when there are good, friendly relations between you. That's when you will be heard. Therefore, we try, especially in a difficult situation, to do more good and pleasant things to our neighbor, to say more good, kind words, to show attention, to thank. And vice versa, avoid making comments, reproaching, annoying, etc. In a crisis situation, sometimes (especially men) need to be silent, be alone, and calm down. Therefore, we will avoid excessive guardianship and pressure.
And, of course, in every new period of life we need to see something new, interesting, opportunities and gifts that the Lord gives us.
Remember that a crisis can not only destroy, but also create. A difficult period experienced together can strengthen a family, make you look at your family life differently, renew it and love each other in a new way.
Oksana Severina talked with Archpriest Pavel Gumerov
Punishing children
Now let's talk about such an important section of education as punishing children. Holy Scripture and the experience of the Church do not deny the need for strict punishment of children. He who spares his rod hates his son; and whoever loves disciplines him from childhood (Proverbs 13:25). The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left neglected brings shame to his mother (Proverbs 29:15). But there is one “but”: any punishment in anger or irritation will not bring any benefit. ...Let not the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26). Parents who vent their anger and let off steam do not punish their children, but themselves. Punishment (especially corporal) should pursue one goal - benefit for the child; it must be brought up with love, calmly and without screaming. The age when you can spank a child should not be very early (the child will not even understand why he was spanked) and not too late (we will cause injury and offense to the teenager). If you follow this measure, after five years you will no longer have to corporally punish, a strict reminder of spanking is enough.
They say that Makarenko’s mother came to her and asked for advice on how to raise her disobedient son. A famous teacher asked how old he was, his mother said sixteen. Then Makarenko replied: “You are sixteen years late.” In order not to be late, you need to start from the first days, and even better from pregnancy. And you need to start your education with yourself. I recently heard a story from a gynecologist. She talked about how the birth fluids of mothers who did not smoke during pregnancy are clean and light, while those of mothers who smoke are brown and have a persistent smell of tobacco. A person becomes a smoker and alcoholic while still in the womb.
But let's continue about punishments. There is a phrase in the Holy Scriptures: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4). In education you need to avoid irritation and empty words. The instruction must be specific and to the point. For example, a child accidentally broke a vase. The terrible father pesters him with a meaningless question: “Why did you break the vase?” - “I didn’t mean to...” - “No, admit it, why did you break the vase?” The child's irritation increases because he does not know what to answer. The father's rage also intensifies. The child's patience may run out. One day the father may well hear: “Dad, are you a fool?” Well, what is the question, so is the answer. A common mistake is to make comments at every step and turn them into bargaining chips. And the child soon begins to perceive them as a meaningless, meaningless background.
About Christian parenting
It's time to talk about the main thing. About Christian education of children. There is a common opinion that religious education should not be imposed on a child: they say, when he grows up, he will choose his faith and come to God. Not teaching anything and not educating at all is as crazy as not reading any books to a child: when they grow up, they will choose what to read. After all, we are trying to instill in a child what we ourselves consider good, correct, and do not think about the fact that someone has a different scale of values.
The second point: children are deprived of life experience; they cannot yet choose for themselves what is good and what is bad. The question of whether to educate in faith or not does not exist for a believer. Faith for us is the meaning of life, and don’t we really want to pass on to our children what is sacred to us?
Recently, a deacon, my friend, and I were discussing over a cup of tea whether it is necessary to force children to pray and go to church . And each of us gave many examples of pros and cons. How a child was forced to pray from childhood, and then he left the Church, and, conversely, how people raised in the faith from childhood became pious clergy.
It seems to me that the most important thing is not only to put the child in prayer and take him to communion, but also to live in prayer and service ourselves. The child does not tolerate falsehood or formalism. If for parents prayer is a part of their life, soul, and they were able to show this to their children, then the child, despite external resistance, will not be able to live without God. There were cases when teenagers left the Church, but then returned, remembering their parents’ instructions. The main thing is that everything we do in the family should be done with one feeling - love for children and loved ones.
When trying to get children into church, we must not go too far. It is unlikely that the child will be able to endure the entire night vigil or liturgy, or be able to read the entire rule for communion. A child should not feel burdened or bored in church. You can come before the beginning, explain to the child in advance what will happen at the service, and sing the troparion of the holiday with him. We ourselves are too lazy to read the Gospel with pictures to our children, tell them about the holidays, and then we complain that the children don’t want to go to church.
A child is a person of habit. He gets used to eating, going to bed and getting up according to a schedule, going to clubs, and then to school. And going to church should also become such a good habit. Regular classes are very disciplined; this will be useful in all cases of life. And there is no need to be embarrassed that the child does not have a fiery glow during prayer. Children are very curious, they wait for our explanations. And we often limit ourselves to: “Follow me, because it’s necessary.” So the child won’t even go for a walk, let alone go to church.
It is very good to explain to your child where the icon is in the church and what is painted on it, what the priests and altar servers are wearing, and teach him “I Believe” and “Our Father” so that he can sing with the people. But learning, of course, is not cramming. My child knew these prayers at the age of three. Mom just read them in the morning, before bed, before meals. After all, there is an expression: “to know like “Our Father.”
In this regard, I would like to touch on one more topic: labor education.
Labor education
Children are used to playing. And they play not only with cars and dolls. For our children, the most favorite toys were pots, lids, and some very adult things. This needs to be used. Children take part in joint cooking with amazing joy, grating vegetables, stirring salads, and washing dishes. Still would! After all, they are usually not given this. This is not a child's mobile phone or a boring car. You can collect scattered toys by bringing them in a children's truck. And with what pleasure children help plant greens or hammer nails! If you know how to do something (sewing, drawing, crafting), your most favorite and interesting toys will be those that you made with your children.
Activities with children bring no less joy to parents than to children. My baby just squealed with joy when I took him into the forest with me. I sawed dry trees, and he carried the branches to the car. It's hard to say which of us enjoyed it more.
As part of our topic, there is a point about raising children in the family, and not in child care institutions.
Pavel Gumerov was born in 1974 into a Muslim family
Priest Pavel Gumerov
Pavel Gumerov was born in Ufa in 1974. Although his father, Shamil Abilkhairovich Gumerov, came from a Tatar family, Pavel’s parents were not typical Muslims in their moral makeup.
In 1984, already in Moscow, the whole family (Paul, his brother and sister with their parents) received Holy Baptism. Later, the father of the future archpriest was ordained a priest, subsequently taking monastic vows with the name Job.
Pavel Gumerov began receiving theological education in 1991, when he entered the Moscow Theological Seminary in the city of Sergiev Posad.
After graduating from the Seminary, in 1995 he entered the Moscow Theological Academy.
After only a year of studying at the Academy, Pavel accepted holy orders and, by decree of His Holiness Patriarch Alexy, was appointed a full-time cleric at the Church of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker at the Rogozhskoye cemetery in Moscow.
Raising children in child care institutions
Of course, a family must raise a child; no one can replace a father and mother for children. However, I cannot say that children should under no circumstances be sent to kindergarten. There are situations when a mother raises a child without a father, is forced to work or study, and feed the family. Now many families have a very difficult financial situation; both parents work to provide for the family. You never know what situations there are.
Of course, kindergarten is rather a tolerable evil. It has a number of serious disadvantages. A child is still too young to know what is good and what is bad. Children bring bad words, games, and habits from the garden. Often, educators do not monitor their charges well, or even offend them. Children in the kindergarten get sick more often. The child unlearns to pray before meals, before going to bed; they don’t do this in the garden. After all, at school age a child is stronger mentally and physically, and already has his own opinion.
So, if possible, raise your children in a family. If the mother is not lazy, the child in the family will develop much faster than in kindergarten. And parental affection and warmth is education in itself.
If there is more than one child in the family, there will be no problems with communication either. Actress Anna Mikhalkova in an interview with Foma magazine says: “I’m afraid many people don’t think about raising children at all. How many families are there where the question of how to raise children is simply not raised... They put them in kindergarten and went to work. Then they took him out of the garden, washed him, fed him, and put him to bed. The situation forces many to live by inertia.”
