The path to a new life. Attitudes towards death in different cultures
Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. Only frankly stupid people can judge a woman who decides to start over and start a new family.
Our attitude towards death is determined by culture. Many beliefs perceive life as cyclical, the future goes hand in hand with the past, death is just one of the stages.
The religions of the East - Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism - are built on the idea of reincarnation, the transmigration of souls. According to reincarnation, we live several earthly lives, each life is an experience and test, the passage of which determines the subsequent fate of a person.
Christianity and Islam are built on the concept of a straight path - from birth to the highest judgment, which inevitably awaits everyone at the end. Here it is customary to pray for the deceased, visit cemeteries, and commemorate people on the day of death.
Almost all religions agree on one thing - suffering for the deceased can become his “anchor”; they prevent the soul from moving on.
Stages of coming to terms with the death of a beloved spouse
The human psyche is capable of recovering from any incident. Accepting the death of a spouse goes through five stages. This is a long path, and the help of loved ones or specialists will help you get through it to the end without getting stuck at any of the stages.
The five stages of grief, which at first seem insurmountable, will be left behind, opening the way to a new life.
Pain
Pain is the first emotional experience that a woman who has lost her beloved husband faces. This pain can be consuming, deafening, and leaves behind scorched ashes. The woman feels empty inside, and every memory of her husband, which invariably flashes in her mind, causes a new attack of mental pain.
The pain waves subside gradually. They leave behind a misunderstanding, which becomes the beginning of a new stage.
Negation
Denial can be expressed to a greater or lesser extent. It is a defensive reaction of the psyche, for which what is happening is too strong a blow.
Awareness does not come immediately; consciousness accepts the sad news gradually. The process of awareness proceeds faster if a woman is organizing a funeral and communicates with friends and relatives of the deceased. However, in cases where the bitter news was found far from a loved one, when a message about death was received by telephone or mail, the consciousness may refuse to perceive the information.
Then the woman begins to deceive herself, suggesting that a mistake occurred, other people died in the tragedy, and her husband miraculously remained alive. Unfortunately, in this case, the psyche will be subject to a double blow when the terrible news is finally confirmed.
Aggression
When the wife of the deceased is unable to deny what is happening, she may be overwhelmed with emotions such as rage, irritation, anger, indignation and, sometimes, envy of families where both spouses are alive.
Relatives and friends should understand that this stage is a manifestation of the widow’s state of shock. If a woman suddenly reacts to attempts at consolation with an outburst of aggression, you should be patient - this is a tired, depressed psyche trying to relieve the tension at least a little.
Anger is an insidious and dangerous feeling. The widow, spurred on by anger, tries to find those to blame for what happened, often blaming herself first. Self-flagellation is expressed in thoughts: “I am to blame! I should have done differently! If it weren't for me, he would be alive."
One’s own actions before the tragedy are assessed biasedly, with particular severity.
Depression
Aggression towards the whole world is replaced by a depressive state. At this stage, the colors of reality fade, the irreversibility of grief occupies all the woman’s thoughts. She is left alone with the collapsed hopes of the past, in return for which, as it seems to her, she receives only melancholy for the rest of her days.
At the stage of depression, environmental support plays a huge role. The painful state dries up emotionally, the widow stops crying and screaming, there is no strength left for these manifestations of emotions. There may be a fading of all previous interests, a lack of reactions to any news.
The stage is characterized by the longest duration.
The end of depression marks the final awareness of what is happening, which is the next stage.
Adoption
Acceptance is the end of a difficult cycle, the last stage, followed by relief.
The widow is fully aware that the person is gone forever, the old feelings have completely spilled out. At this stage, a woman is able to think about the future, about her prospects without the previous support.
The acceptance stage is often called the humility stage. It usually takes about 2 years to complete the stage.
How to kill the pain and longing for a deceased loved one?
Veronica, hello! I'm sorry for your loss.
Veronica
how to kill pain and melancholy?
Veronica
I understand that I need to live on and move forward, but I can’t
You can move on only after getting over the pain, living through the grief, and after that moving on, changed, without this person. You seem to be trying to really kill the pain, hence the thoughts of killing yourself. After all, your unconscious sees it only this way. Of course, it’s harder for you because you’ve just begun to recover from the loss of your grandmother. But nothing can be done, we must accept this pain, accept this situation. Grief goes through several stages, you need to go through them all.
———-
The reasons for grief may be different for everyone. Its intensity may also vary. But we all live it the same way, step by step. This is necessary for further full life and development. Living with grief means accepting it as a full part of your experience.
Stages of grief: Denial → Aggression → Bargaining → Depression → Acceptance
The first stage of grief begins immediately after a person learns about grief. This is "Denial". It can be expressed in something as simple as asking again. A person can again and again, as if he did not hear or did not understand, clarify the words and formulations in which he received the bitter news. In fact, at the moment he is not hard of hearing, but does not want to believe that something has already happened. And sometimes, the experience is potentially so strong that a person physically cannot “let it go” and can simply forget about the grief until he is ready to experience it. Decisions made at this stage will be incorrect, since the person does not have an accurate understanding of the situation. No matter how detailed it is explained to him, he distorts his perception with denial.
The second stage of grief is “Aggression”. A person not only does not believe, he actively doubts what he was told and directs aggression towards the source of information. In a constructive way, aggression can be directed at the cause that caused the grief, but often in a life situation there is no place for heroic deeds - nothing can be changed. This can lead to aggression being directed towards oneself or loved ones. Decisions made at this stage can lead to negative consequences for relationships and cause damage to property and a person’s condition. In any case, they will be accepted from a position of strength.
The third stage of grief is “Bargaining”. A person directs the energy of the second stage to “buy off grief.” At this moment, he can turn to God, to any higher powers, in order to make a deal - I will / will not do this and let everything return to its previous state. The decisions made at this moment are different types of payment. A person can pay by changing his behavior, making donations, or deciding to devote time and energy to something related to the cause of grief.
The fourth stage of grief is “Depression”. Emotional reactions are impoverished, sleep and appetite are disturbed, irritation appears, tears do not bring relief. Decisions made at this stage can cause harm to yourself and others. Most often they have the character of withdrawal, a decrease in any activity - the person gives up. Decisions are made from a position of lack of power. And finally, the fifth stage of experiencing grief is “Acceptance”. It is at this moment that a person may burst into tears for the first time, but these tears will bring relief. A person’s thoughts return to everything good that is connected with what brought him grief. The situation that caused grief is now perceived as part of life - it has its beginning, development and completion. The feeling of inner support returns, strength and emotions of the entire spectrum return, a person begins to think about the future. Only at the fifth stage can a person make decisions about what conclusions to draw, whether to change something and, if so, how. At this moment he becomes wiser than usual.
Of course, it's not that simple. At each stage, a person has the opportunity to linger on it for a considerable time. Sometimes unlived situations of grief affect the rest of your life. But, most often, the strength of the body and psyche is enough for the productive development of the situation. Surely, you remembered those people for whom the situation of grief became a favorable turning point in their fate and led to significant achievements. Managing grief is a difficult task. This includes managing perceptions, transforming aggression, organizing and planning one’s activities, and skills to support a positive emotional state. Having broken it down into these component parts, we see that we are quite capable of it.
————
I quoted Svetlana Kovaleva, but a lot has been written about this.
If you can’t cope on your own, and it’s difficult for you to live and survive these stages, you should consult a psychologist. I could work with you on Skype.
Sincerely, Anna Grandilevskaya, psychologist in St. Petersburg, in person and via Skype.
How to cope with pain and longing for your dead husband? (1 answer)
How to survive grief after the death of your beloved husband and not go crazy
How to survive the death of your beloved husband if the new living conditions seem absolutely unbearable? The first thing to do is to know what feelings you might be dealing with. You need to try to analyze them soberly, and not be afraid to talk about them with your family.
The most difficult period is a month after the fact of loss. At this time, a person, like an exposed nerve, reacts extremely painfully and is subject to the destructive influence of his own negative thoughts.
Feeling of injustice
The feeling that widows most often face is that of injustice. A woman begins to live with an eye to the past, which is seen in an ideal light. Familiar married couples, lovers on the streets, even movie actors raise a silent question: “Why are they doing well, what did I do to deserve such grief?”
In order not to remain captive to this issue, you need to expand your social circle, spend less time alone, and try to look at the loss from a different perspective. If you can’t do this on your own, the best solution would be to contact a psychologist.
Feeling of betrayal and resentment
The psyche may react with resentment towards the deceased, with anger because he “left” too early. A woman may feel that her lover has left her alone, that his death is a selfish act.
Often the widow understands that she has no right to be offended, but is unable to redirect her emotions. It should be remembered that this period has its own time frame, the resentment will pass, especially if the person is actively trying to cope with it.
Guilt
Self-flagellation and blaming yourself for what happened can lead to a severe nervous breakdown. A woman may begin to analyze the events before the tragedy, thinking that she could have changed everything if she had acted differently in some situation. She forbids herself to rejoice and laugh, overcome by a feeling of guilt, believing that by smiling she is betraying the deceased.
It is worth writing a letter to your husband, describing your experiences in detail. Ask for forgiveness for past offenses, write that you also forgive him for everything, wish him peace. The letter should be taken to the cemetery, read aloud, or simply left at the monument.
It must be taken into account that there are no “right” feelings in such a situation and cannot be. Reactions are individual, but they need to be worked through so as not to leave the situation as a broken person and not to prolong negative experiences for many years.
I feel guilty about my dead son. How to pray?
Estimated reading time: 5 min.
Reader question:
Good afternoon, father! Three months ago I buried my 32-year-old son. He was very sick for a month. He fell ill due to drunkenness, he was not an alcoholic, but he loved beer very much, and he received cirrhosis of the liver. Before his death, he did not receive communion or confess. His Father performed the funeral service at home. He confessed once, he was 5-6 years old. When he was little, he believed in God very much and loved reading about him. As I got older, I no longer noticed this. Please tell me what prayer I should recite to make it easier for both me and him. I constantly feel guilty before him and before God that I couldn’t help him get on the right path in time. God bless you!
Hegumen Andrey (Moroz) answers:
Dear Antonina! I'm sorry for your loss. Now the important things can no longer be clarified, so the hope remains that your son, in his terminal illness, prayerfully stood before God in his thoughts. You are asking about how to pray to receive consolation for yourself and your departed son. The giver of all consolation is God. Therefore, we must prayerfully stand before God, He is the source and giver of life, He possesses the living and the dead. Saint John Chrysostom advises: “Let us try, as much as possible, to help the departed, instead of tears, instead of sobs, instead of magnificent tombs, with our prayers, alms and offerings for them, so that in this way they and we will receive the promised benefits.”
Elsewhere, Chrysostom writes: “Do not cry, do not lament, but those who remain on earth should rejoice over the death of someone close to their heart. We should not cry, but we should rejoice, whether the deceased is a righteous person or a sinner. If the deceased was a virtuous person, a good Christian, then do not cry for him, but rejoice, for he endured with love all the hardship of earthly life and passed on to eternal rest in Christ, for Whom and for Whom he suffered more or less, defending and preserving the truth. If the deceased is a sinner, then even then one should rejoice and not cry unconsciously. Rejoice that the evil to which the deceased was prone will no longer grow. To lament and cry not about his death, but about the sins that he committed as a person. Contrition of the living for the dead, crying for their sins must be dissolved on the part of the living by undoubted faith in the One who took upon Himself the sins of the whole world, and, consequently, the sins of our deceased sinner. Prayer, alms, and Bloodless Sacrifice help the deceased a lot in improving their afterlife condition. If Job’s prayers and sacrifices for his children cleansed them, then what prevents God from cleansing the departed from their sins for our prayers and sacrifices? For God rewards the prayers of some to others. For this purpose, it is commanded to pray for each other, so that some may be healed through the intercession of others. The hand washes the hand, and both become white. Thus, the prayers of the living for the dead save both. Why unconscious grief, when the living can find mercy from God for the dead? (Explanation on 1 Cor. Chapter 15, morals 41. Explanation on the Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 9, morals 21). Let us begin to pray for those separated from us in only one place, and our prayers will not be in vain and useless, because this is one of the means given to us by God to save ourselves and our neighbor, wherever he may be - on earth or beyond the grave. If it is said that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit living in us, then the prayer of the priest and deacon, as well as the prayers of those present, the prayers for the departed of the entire Church and each of us - Christians - is not the prayer of the Holy Spirit for the salvation of the departed? And so the great saint and teacher of the Church John Chrysostom advises us in all cases to pray for the departed, both the righteous and those who were far from the righteous path of faith, moreover, he draws attention to the presence of a special state of spirit necessary for the feat of prayer - “ we should rejoice." It is clear that this is spiritual joy, which is far from despondency and sadness, which frees our strength for standing in prayer and for works of mercy. The prayer of an Orthodox Christian ideally occurs continuously - at home, on the way to and from work, during handicrafts and during leisure hours, and, of course, in church. By participating in the services of your parish church, you can submit a note of repose for the Liturgy (mass) or memorial service. In our home prayers, we pray for the departed after completing our morning prayers, and if we are in a special mood, like you, to pray more for ourselves and our loved one who has passed into eternity, we read the Psalter. The reading of this holy book begins on the day of the death of a Christian and continues to the extent of the desire of his loved ones to perform this prayer reading. The reading rule can be clarified here.
I can’t help but be happy for your son that he has such a caring mother. In conclusion, I would like to quote the words of another father and teacher of the Church, St. Basil the Great, about reading the book of Psalms: “The Book of Psalms... is a common treasury of good teachings and carefully seeks out what is for everyone’s benefit. She heals the old wounds of the soul, and gives quick healing to the recently wounded, and restores the painful, and supports the undamaged; in general, as much as possible, it destroys the passions that dominate souls in human life under different forms. The psalm is the silence of the soul, the dispenser of peace. It softens the irritability of the soul and disciplines intemperance. It calms rebellious and disturbing thoughts. The psalm is a mediator of friendship, unity between distant people and reconciliation of those at war. For who can
How to cope with the emotional loss of a loved one yourself
How to get out of depression after the death of your husband without resorting to the help of a psychotherapist? There are several effective tips, but it is strongly recommended to turn to specialists if it seems that your own strength is running out.
First of all, understand that your husband would not want you to live a life of despair and tears. You have to start all over again, for the sake of him, yourself, family and friends.
Vigorous activity and a regular change of environment will help you overcome your apathetic mood. It takes time to feel the effect of all actions.
1 Try not to close yourself off from your friends. Communicate on distant topics.
2 Keep yourself and your apartment in shape, don’t forget to exercise, and clean regularly.
3 Find a community of women who have experienced a similar tragedy. It will be much easier to cope with grief together.
4 Avoid alcohol.
5 Spend more time on existing hobbies, find a new hobby.
6 Sign up for a spiritual practice. Yoga, qigong, tai chi are perfect.
What signs indicate that specialist help is required?
You cannot do without the help of a psychologist when a woman feels that her own strength is running out. An inconsolable state that lasts several months can be an alarming sign of the onset of depression. Depression requires mandatory treatment under the supervision of an experienced doctor.
You should definitely seek help if you begin to have nightmares at night or your sleep becomes restless and does not bring strength. If support from loved ones is not enough, this is also a good reason to consult a doctor.
Advice from a psychologist: how to get out of depression and get back to life
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
To find the strength to live on, you need to see a clear goal in front of you. A man without a goal is a ship without a helm, so a widow especially needs a goal. Aspirations in life will help you come to terms with your loss and regain your energy and joy. With its help, a frozen life will begin to move again, new acquaintances will appear, and the pain will dull.
The following can help you achieve your goal:
- Mastering a new skill, expanding your range of interests;
- Journey;
- Participation in charity events;
- Watching motivational films;
- Playing sports, taking care of appearance;
Appeal to God. Advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
The doors of the church are open to everyone in need, and many people feel much better within its walls. Priests regard death as an inevitable stage of life, and are always ready to help with advice. An illness, unexpected death, or accident can terminate the existence of the physical body without causing any harm to the immortal soul. The wife of the deceased can concentrate all her pain, love and energy on prayers. In prayer you can tell your loved one everything that you did not have time to say during your lifetime.
Also, the widow can confess to the priest, he will direct the words of the grieving woman to God.
CONSPIRACIES FROM MEANING
A spell for longing for a deceased person
Longing for the deceased - who hasn’t experienced it at least once in their life?
Perhaps only the person who does not have a single relative, not a single close person in his life, but there are not many of them, if at all there are such people in this world. When a person begins to yearn for the deceased, he can literally begin to melt before our eyes. History knows many examples of how a person, literally, very quickly burned out from melancholy. A loved one died, he was buried, and the one who remained to live made a decision for himself - to follow. The decision made is so strong that it cannot be removed. And indeed, a very short period of time passes, and now they are burying our poor fellow, who could not find the strength within himself to survive the grief of loss. Time, of course, heals, but there are wounds that never heal. At the same time, you can try to somehow alleviate the pain of loss, you can try to relieve the melancholy that drains a person from the inside.
And here it is worth understanding that there are two options for the development of events.
The first is that you heal yourself, understanding that your goal is to recover from melancholy, at any cost.
The second option is that you are treating another person, who perhaps did not even ask you for it, but you see how the person is slowly but surely melting, and you do not want to put up with this state of affairs.
In both cases, your actions may be similar. There will be no significant differences in the performance of the ritual.
So now we will describe how to treat another person. In order to perform the ritual, you need to take either his hair or his nail (in a word, you need, as it were, a piece of this person). Be sure to perform the following ritual on the waning Moon: closer to midnight, take the biological material that you have (a fingernail, a hair) and, having cast a spell on it three times, throw a particle of this person either into the water (a river is best for this) , or bury it somewhere under a tree.
The words of the conspiracy are:
It should be understood that if you have a nail, then in the conspiracy say that it is a nail and then we will talk about a finger. If you have a hair of this person, then you will need to say this: “As this hair will no longer grow to the head of God’s servant (name), etc. according to the text.
Also, based on what source (water or earth) the biological material will be placed in, you will need to change the words in the text of the conspiracy yourself. If you throw it into the water, then the spell contains words about water; if you throw it into the ground, then you say that it is earth.
This must be remembered and not forgotten. It is very important! If you are doing the ritual for yourself, then, accordingly, you can strengthen it by taking both hair and nails, and then all this will need to be reflected in the conspiracy itself. You will talk about how the nail will not grow to the finger, and the hair, accordingly, will not grow to the head.
This ritual is considered very strong and effective. Relief will come in a few days. Here the main secret of success is not so much in what is done and how, but in “letting go.” They fulfilled it with faith and, having let it go, forgot. The results will come, have no doubt. This has already been tested several times.
Advice for others who are experiencing loss
People close to the grieving woman should be especially attentive and sensitive. They are required to have patience, perseverance, and participation.
Physiological reactions of the body and responses from the psyche
It is necessary to take a closer look at the widow’s reactions and behavior. Your presence nearby should be unobtrusive and tactful.
Be ready to listen to a woman at any moment and support her with a kind word.
Apathy
If the wife of the deceased has been in an apathetic state for a long time, you need to gently persuade her to visit a specialist. Invite her to go to the reception together.
Do not allow a woman in a state of apathy to drink every day; try to distract her in every possible way.
Appetite disturbance
Lack of appetite for a long time may indicate the onset of depression. Try to gently persuade the woman to eat, offer to go to a cafe or cook her favorite dish.
The opposite situation may occur when the widow overindulges in food - this is a manifestation of extreme stress. Try to find another distraction for the woman.
Dizziness, tachycardia, microinfarctions, seizures
These reactions are typical for the first hours after the sad news. If the attacks do not go away over time, seeing a doctor is vital.
Unusual reactions
If a woman has an unstable psycho-emotional background, atypical reactions to bitter news may be observed: hysterical laughter, a desire to destroy everything around, or icy calm, followed by attacks of rage.
Be discreetly nearby
Presence should not be intrusive. You should be there when a woman needs it, without putting pressure on her. It is important to understand and feel when it is better to leave a widow alone, and when not to leave a single step.
Help when a woman asks for it, clarify whether she needs you, do not impose your help when there is no need.
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband. How to deal with loneliness
The widow's friend will need all the sensitivity, care, and tenderness she has. During such a period, it is extremely important to be nearby and show your participation with all your might.
What not to say to a friend
Avoid talking about finding a new partner or future marriage - the widow will take what is said as an insult.
There is no need to give examples of similar tragedies. Someone else's pain cannot drown out personal pain.
Don’t copy the widow’s behavior; don’t cry with her or complain about fate. At this moment, you need perseverance and fortitude.
What do we have to do
You should unobtrusively remind that there is a lot of good left in the widow’s life, and try to get the woman to think about a bright future.
You can try taking the widow out to crowded places and offering to learn a new hobby together.
Try to talk about abstract topics. Carefully monitor the woman’s condition, insist on visiting a psychotherapist if her condition sharply worsens.
How to let go of a dead person and move on with your life
Death is “inscribed” in our lives. And with it comes pain. Is it possible to somehow help yourself when it doesn’t go away, developing into despair and depression? How to let go of a person who has gone to another world, how to come to terms with the death of a loved one - a spouse, mother, father, child?... This list of losses can be quite large, because in everyone’s life there are living creatures whose departure becomes a real tragedy...
Separation and loss are certainly among the situations that cause us the greatest pain. Sometimes it is so deep that it is difficult to describe it in any words. How to come to terms with the death of a loved one, how to let a person go from your thoughts and heart - no matter what psychologists advise, it seems that there can be no answer to these questions at all.
Moreover, many do not look for it, because they plunge into grief, which has a high chance of turning into depression. And it makes people lose the desire to live and plunge into despair for a very long time. It happens that after the death of a loved one, someone’s mental balance is never fully restored.
“When parents lose a son or daughter who is not yet out of the bloom of youth, or a loving husband loses his wife, or a wife loses her husband in the prime of life, all the philosophies and religions in the world, whether they promise immortality or not, cannot eliminate the impact of this cruel tragedy on loved ones..."
Lamont Corliss
Forgiving or letting go of a deceased relative or loved one is a very important component of our lives. Letting go is necessary both for us who live on Earth and for them who have gone to other Worlds. This must be done, first of all, out of love for them and for yourself too. Now, I will try to explain clearly why this is important.
We all lose relatives and friends; their departure, especially if it was sudden, makes us despondent. The whole white world is becoming unkind. We experience a feeling of loss, suffering. We cry, we feel injustice towards ourselves and our family.
We can, at this moment, even be angry with God. This cannot be done under any circumstances, because when we are angry with God, we are angry with ourselves, since we are a part of him. Of course, God loves us, and he will not be offended by us for being angry, but, on the contrary, will send our Guardian Angels support, help, additional Divine energy to support us in going through this stage in life.
Our suffering and tears destroy not only us, but also all the people who surround us. You need to remember this, having lost one relative and continuing to be in despondency, you unconsciously, at the energy level, attract illnesses, misfortunes for yourself and close relatives, increasing the abyss into which, with constant suffering, your entire Family line falls. And the most important thing is that you do not let the Soul of the deceased go to rest.
The soul is imprisoned between heaven and Earth, precisely imprisoned, as in a cage. And the first sign that a deceased relative is in captivity is if you constantly or often dream about him. Remember, it is difficult for them to be in captivity, let them go with love and gratitude that they were in your life. They, in fact, always remain with us, we just don’t see them visually, but energetically we feel them. Let go, thank them and wish them the kingdom of heaven.
There is an episode in Richard Bach's "The One": in an accident, the husband loses his beloved woman, suffers from grief, and then, when they meet again, she says to him:
“I couldn’t get through to you “from there” because you surrounded yourself with an impenetrable wall of grief and crying, because of this wall you didn’t hear me and didn’t let me in!”
If we perceive life as it is and accept its conditions, the rules of the game (and death is one of them), then we must be ready to let go of the one we love. Love is our preference, not an addiction. And not "ownership". If we love, then, of course, we feel sadness, regret and even despair after the final break with a loved one.
Related reading: How to survive the illness of a loved one
Moreover, this does not necessarily concern his death, because people also ask the question of how to let a loved one go from their thoughts, from their souls in other, less tragic situations. But there is (at least there should be) something else in us - acceptance of the fact that this person is leaving our life and acceptance of all the negative feelings associated with this. That’s why they eventually pass, leaving a feeling of peace and gratitude for the fact that we once met and were together.
But if our life is dominated by a position based on control and generated by fear, then we cannot put up with death, we cannot let go of the loss. Yes, it seems like we are suffering - we cry and feel unhappy - but at the same time, paradoxically, we do not allow true feelings to come to us! We stand on their surface, afraid that they will swallow us.
Then we do not give ourselves a chance for true experiences and can seek help in some kind of forced activity or medications, alcohol. And thus we contribute to prolonging the state of despair, leading it to the deepest depression. Therefore, you don’t need to run away from yourself, from your real feelings, or seek salvation from them - you need to accept their existence and allow yourself to experience them.
Of course, when a person is tormented by the question of how to come to terms with the death of his loved ones, how to let go of a deceased person who is always in his thoughts, in his heart, in his soul, he somehow has no time to think about himself, about his well-being. However, there is a problem. After some time, it suddenly becomes clear that life, which has stopped for a suffering person, for some reason does not want to stop in external manifestations. In other words, a person still has to go to work and do something there, earn money for a living, feed his children and take them to school...
He will be lenient for a while, but this cannot last too long. And if a person is absolutely indifferent to his well-being, then a moment may come when he will not be able to do something that no one can help him with. Even an ordinary everyday problem can be an overwhelming task for him. He will understand that he needs to pull himself together, but his failing health will turn out to be a very big obstacle on this path.
No one calls for driving away thoughts of loss, but when the stage of acute grief is experienced, it’s time to change the emphasis in these thoughts. Thinking about those who passed away, lovingly, remembering happy moments, a person strengthens himself, and in some cases simply saves himself.
How to help your mother cope with the death of her husband
Adult children should come to the aid of a mother left without a husband. Children need to not only cope with their own grief, but also become a support for their mother.
What not to say to mom
Don't leave a woman alone with sadness. She may claim that everything is fine - for your sake. But having lived for so many years with one man, his departure cannot but affect her condition.
Mothers may begin to treat their children with overprotectiveness. Do not prohibit such manifestations. A woman needs care to fill the void.
Do not forbid crying for the deceased.
What to say
Actively support any new endeavors: dating, hobbies, going out to public places.
If mom feels better, you can look through old albums together, remembering the best days from the past.
Try to walk together, and while walking, highlight events not related to the tragedy.
How women were able to cope with the death of their husbands
I was very young when my husband died and a serious illness developed. I thought I would go crazy with grief. I started reading the Bible and praying every day. I still remember how I read the lines, and they blurred because tears flowed from my eyes in an endless stream. Now the grief has turned into a bright melancholy. I was able to let go of my loved one.
Ksenia, Tyumen
Ekaterina, Voronezh
New meaning came into my life 2 years after the tragedy. Before leaving, my husband fought cancer for a long time. I was able to rely on my children; they were always there. The children helped me open my own bakery, and I directed all my efforts there.
I buried my husband more than 5 years ago. A new man appeared in my life quite recently. I didn't think I could fall in love. The grief I experienced taught me to appreciate every moment with dear people. The new man is married, I think that I will soon be ready to give him a positive answer.
Inga, Orel
Viola, Moscow
We all couldn’t believe that dad could die so suddenly. He and his mother got married when they were both 18 years old. My brother and I supported my mother with all our might and did not leave her alone. Now the grief I experienced seems very far away.
My friend met with terrible grief. When her husband died, she was left with a small child in her arms. I supported her every day, we read the Bible covenants together, went to church. She was sad, but was able to get out of this state. I sincerely admire her.
Albina, Saratov
The dead must be released
– Some people, after the death of a loved one, quickly come to their senses and return to normal life, others suffer for months and even years, reaching the point of physical illness and mental disorders. Is such excessive suffering a normal reaction to this event?
– When a person loses a loved one, it is natural that he suffers. Suffering for many reasons. This is also grief for that person, beloved, close, dear, with whom he parted. It happens that self-pity strangles someone who has lost support in a person who has passed away. This may be a feeling of guilt due to the fact that a person cannot give him what he would like to give or owes, because he did not consider it necessary to do good and love in his time.
Problems arise when we do not let go of a person. From our point of view, death is unfair, and very often many people even reproach God: “How unfair are you, why did you take it away from me?” But in fact, God calls a person to himself precisely at the moment when he is ready to move on to eternal life. It often happens that a person does not want to let go of a loved one, does not want to put up with the fact that he is no longer there, that he cannot be returned. But death must be accepted as a given, as a fact. It cannot be returned, that's all. And the person begins to return back to him, you know? These are things that are out of the ordinary, but they don’t happen that rarely. Completely unconsciously, a person begins to grieve, and he wants to, as it were, replace it. The desire for death is so strong in us. We need to reach out to life, but we, oddly enough, reach out to death. When we cling to a person who has died, we want to be with him. But we still have to live here, we have tasks. We can only help him here, you know?
It is more difficult for an unbeliever to let go of the deceased, because he may not even realize that it is so difficult for him to part with this loved one due to the fact that he cannot even give him to God. And a believer is accustomed to placing everything on the will of God, because meetings and partings accompany a person throughout his life.
There is a story in the Bible that has an amazing therapeutic effect on people facing stress and death. We are talking about several life fragments of one deeply religious man named Job. Every time, having lost something very important, and there were many significant losses, he repeated: “God gave, God took away.” As a result, God, seeing his strong faith, returns everything in full. This parable is about how, overcoming longing for the departed, we become persistent and strong. A person, in fact, learns to part ways from his very birth. He learns to be with others, identifying himself with society. But at the same time, every time there is a process of disidentification, that is, disconnection, separation. A little man learns to part with his property while still in the sandbox: “My shovel, my basket.” They take it away - he cries, it is very difficult for him to part with what is his. But in reality, there is nothing of ours in the world, you understand? After all, what does “mine” mean? It’s mine, it’s only mine to some extent. At every moment of our lives we must be ready to part with everything that we consider ours. From the point of view of psychology, this is such a phenomenon of human mental life, the acquisition of skills for loss.
There are people who withdraw into themselves and focus on this loss. They seem to intensify these feelings within themselves, and cannot stop the flow of suffering emotions. Since childhood, we get used to parting with grief. Someone gets hung up on this: “This is mine, and that’s it!” So great is the attractive power of this egoistic feeling. And a more mature person knows how to part without pain, without such anguish.
– It turns out that a mature person perceives death more calmly?
– He calmly transfers the deceased into the hands of the One who has the greater right to him. Why? Because maturity is determined by the strength of spirit with which we perceive all the difficult circumstances of life. Whatever happens, we must perceive everything indifferently, indifferently. So St. Rev. Seraphim of Sarov spoke. It is necessary that the soul treats everything equally, or, as it were, equally, both sorrows and joys. There is such absolute calm in everything, and in fact it is very difficult.
The perception of loss and grief of a spiritual and spiritual person is distinguished by the fact that spirituality is associated with strain, emotional fracture, passion, and sensuality. On the contrary, the spiritual attitude is equal, it contains helping, quiet love. I remember how my mother died. This was a completely unexpected event. We said goodbye to her, she was leaving for another city, and the next day they called me that she arrived, went to bed and died. She was only 63 years old, I was seeing off a healthy person. It was a shock for me. Because I lost a loved one completely unexpectedly. But she died in a Christian way, calmly, the way everyone dreams of dying. I have heard more than once: “I wish I could lie down and die.” So she arrived, lay down in her bed and died. And when I came to church, I met my priest - he also knew my mother - I told him, and he said to me: “You, most importantly, perceive this death spiritually.”
I was just becoming a church member at that time, and for me these issues of life and death were, so to speak, unclear. Then I had not yet buried anyone close to me. I kept thinking, what does it mean to perceive spiritually? From the literature that deals with the topic of attitude towards death, I realized that to have a spiritual attitude means not to grieve.
If you couldn't give something to this person, you feel guilty. Often people become fixated and suffer from the fact that they did not give something to their loved one. There is something left that begins to worry them. “Why didn’t I add it? Why didn't you do it? After all, I could,” and with this they go into other circles of perception, they go into depression.
In this case, the person begins to feel guilty. And the feeling of guilt should not be masochistic, it should be constructive. The constructive approach is as follows: “I caught myself thinking that I was stuck on feelings of guilt. We need to solve this problem spiritually.” Spiritually, this means you need to go to confession and admit to God your sin against this person. You need to say: “It’s my fault that I didn’t give him this and that.” If we repent of this, then the person feels it.
For example, I would have approached my mother when she was alive and said: “Mom, forgive me, I didn’t give you this and that.” I don't think my mother won't forgive me. In the same way, I can solve this issue, even if this person is not next to me. After all, with God there are no dead, with God everyone is alive. In the Sacrament of Confession, liberation occurs.
– Why go to church if you can tell God everything at home? God hears everything anyway.
– For an unbeliever, you can start at least with this, you need to admit your guilt. In psychological practice, the following methods are used: a letter to a loved one. That is, you need to write a letter saying that I was wrong, that I didn’t pay enough attention, that I didn’t love you, that I didn’t give you something. You can start with this.
By the way, very often people come to church for the first time precisely in connection with this circumstance, the death of someone. The first time a person can come to church is for a funeral. And many of them may already know that a spiritual tribute means putting some food on the canon, lighting a candle and praying for this person. Prayer is the connection between us and the departed person.
One of the synonyms for the word “cemetery” is “pogost”. “Pogost” comes from the word to stay, because we come here to stay. We stayed a little, and then went back to our homeland, because our homeland is there.
Everything is upside down in our heads. We are confused about where our home is. But our home is there, next to God. And we just came here to stay. Probably, the person who does not want to leave the deceased does not realize that this person has already fulfilled some purpose here.
Why don't we let our loved ones go? Because very often we are attached to the physical. If we talk about my feelings, I missed my mother: I really wanted to cuddle, touch this soft, dear person, that’s exactly what I missed having her next to me, I lacked physical closeness. But we know that this person continues to live, because the human soul is immortal.
When my mother died, I decided for myself the issue of spiritual perception of this event, and I managed to quickly recover. I admitted that I didn't do something. I repented and tried to really do what I had not done to my mother. I took it and did it to another person. Reading the Psalter also helps, magpies, because communication with a loved one, even if he is not around, does not stop.
Another thing is that you can’t go into dialogue. It sometimes happens that people even become mentally ill, they begin to consult with the deceased. At some difficult moment, you can ask: “Mom, please help me.” But this is when it’s very difficult, and it’s better not to bother, still, pray, pray for your loved ones. When we do something for them, then we help them. Therefore, we need to do everything possible that is within our power.
When I solved this problem for myself, and I managed to quickly recover, then one day I come to my friend’s grandmother. And her mother also visited her a couple of times. About forty days after my mother’s death, maybe a little more, I come to visit this grandmother, and she begins to calm me down, console me. She probably thought that I was grieving, that I was very worried, and I told her: “You know, this doesn’t bother me anymore. I know that mom is happy there, and the only thing I miss is that she is not physically next to me, but I know that she is always next to me.” And suddenly, I see, on her table there was some kind of vase, like all grandmothers, with some flowers and something else, and I, completely mechanically, pulled out a piece of paper from there. I pull it out, and there is a prayer written in my mother’s handwriting. I say: “We saw it! She is always next to me. Even now she is next to me.” My friend was very surprised. That’s the connection we have, you know?
We must let go, because when we don’t let them go, it’s painful for them, they also suffer. Because we are connected, just like here on earth, when we don’t give a person freedom, we pull him, we begin to control him, we call: “Where are you? Or maybe it's there? Or maybe you feel bad? Or maybe you feel too good?” Our relationships with deceased loved ones are built on the same principle.
– It turns out that in forty days you recovered from the crisis, that is, forty days is a kind of acceptable period. What deadlines will be unacceptable?
– If a person grieves for a year and it drags on further, then of course this is unacceptable. For a maximum of six months, a year, you can get sick, so to speak, but more is already a symptom of the disease. This means the person became depressed.
– What if he simply cannot get out of this state?
– It doesn’t help, so it’s time to confess another mistake. Why is despondency one of the seven deadly sins? It is impossible to be sad or despondent, this is cowardice, this is a spiritual illness. Faith is the most powerful and reliable medicine.
– Is there any psychological way to motivate yourself to take the first step? After all, some people just think like this: “I have been grieving for him for so long, and thus I remain faithful to him.” How to overcome this?
“We definitely need to do something for the deceased.” First of all, pray for him and submit notes to the temple. And then - more, strength will appear again. The path out of depression is necessarily connected with some actions, at least a little, little by little. You can just at least say: “How I love him, Lord! Help him, Lord!” - All. “I suffer for him, I worry about him. Now he has gone into nowhere, but I know that he is not alone there, that he is with You.” You need to at least say something, do something for the sake of this person, but not be inactive.
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They buried and remembered. What's next. List of important things to do after the funeral
There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of immediately after the funeral. Being active will help you take your mind off the experience.
Reimbursement of funeral expenses
Reimbursement of expenses is a legal human right. To receive government compensation, you must keep all receipts. A certain amount can be reimbursed by the former employer of the deceased or government agencies within six months.
Register an inheritance
Relatives have 6 months to register the inheritance. The wife of the deceased inherits the property first.
Register ownership
The ownership of the deceased's property must be certified by a notary. A woman experiencing loss must enter her name into the FSW database.
Renting out real estate
If living in the apartment of the deceased is unbearable due to memories, the best solution would be to rent out the property on a monthly basis.
How to build a new life after the death of a loved one
The pain of loss can break the body and soul. The “scar” from the experience will remain forever, but sadness can become bright and teach you a lot.
Accept the fact of loss
You can accept loss by changing your attitude towards death itself. Don’t suppress your feelings, let them open up completely, then awareness will come sooner.
Excellent memory. Memories, photos
In the first stages, you should not get rid of photographs, just as you should not review them, causing yourself new pain. You can return to the photo when it becomes easier.
Pictures are a bright memory of the deceased; treat it with gratitude.
Get rid of painful memories of death
It is impossible to get used to a new life if you endlessly remember the first difficult days. Mentally let go of these memories, write them down on a piece of paper, take this letter to church.
Shift attention to those who need it
Look around you and you will see how many people still need you. Try not to deprive them of your care and warmth.
Section question - answer
How can a young widow cope with the sudden death and loss of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Connect with friends and family, don't close yourself off from them. Don't forget about your appearance and physical fitness. Celebrate the holidays, don't forbid yourself to smile.
How can a housewife cope with the death of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Try to find new hobbies, since your previous life was closely connected with household chores. A change of environment will have a beneficial effect.
How to cope with loss at 60 years old?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Taking care of younger family members, finding a new hobby, and getting help from a psychiatrist can fill the void.
How long will it be bad, how soon will the grief pass?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The duration of the period is individual, but vigorous activity, distractions, and new acquaintances have been proven to shorten it.
A year after the death of my husband, how to move on?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
A year has passed, and the tragedy that seemed to have happened quite recently is moving further and further away from you in time. Congratulate yourself, you have survived the most difficult period. Find time to find new pleasures and be outdoors more often.
How to cope with the death of your husband at 40?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Don't let grief consume you. Communicate with people, don't isolate yourself. Admit that you need support.
How to get rid of longing for your dead husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Don’t close yourself off from other people’s support, consult a specialist for advice, and talk openly about your grief. Let your emotions pass through yourself so that they can subside after they have healed.
My personal story
Galina, Tolyatti
A distant relative reported the death of her husband. I was going crazy, I believed that the unbearable melancholy would not disappear. Over time, the pain dulled. But life leads me to new joys. Fate can be amazing, don’t give up on life, give yourself another chance!
longing for the deceased
Conspiracies for longing for the deceased
a conspiracy not to miss the deceased If a person is tormented by longing for a deceased relative or close friend, he urgently needs help. There have been cases when excessive grief and fierce melancholy killed a person. Place the unfortunate person on the chair on which the coffin stood, and read a special spell over water, which you then give to the patient to drink, and wash him with the rest. Perform the ritual for three days in a row. The plot is as follows: Clean water, wash away, rinse from the yearning soul of God’s servant (name), from the sick heart, from the crying eyes, from heavy thoughts. Cover with the fog of oblivion from morning to noon, From noon to midnight, For the whole day of the Lord, Ease the suffering of the soul of God's servant (name). Amen.
spell for a person's longing for the deceased If there is a stove in the house, then upon returning from the cemetery you need to persuade the person who is most sad for the deceased to kneel in front of the stove and look into the ash pit. At the same time, the healer, standing next to this person, must say the spell three times in a row: Don’t be sad, don’t grieve. In this case, whether the stove is heated or not does not matter.
In order not to be tormented by a dead person, the spell of longing for the deceased is read over morning and evening water, which is then drunk for a week. The ritual begins on Monday and ends on Monday. The conspiracy is as follows: God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. The flesh was born, the flesh was baptized, the flesh received the Holy Gifts. The Lord gave, the Lord took away. Amen. Go down, dust, go up, soul. Amen. As the Lord speaks the word, so the Lord will cure melancholy, a person wakes up, his sleep is forgotten, so that the servant of God (name) will cry and forget the dead, the servants of God (names). In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.
From constant thoughts about the dead Go to the field, go and without looking, tear up the grass around you. Stick it in your bosom and wherever you can hide the grass from prying eyes. Tear and say a spell out of melancholy: No one sowed you, grass, God gave you, the wind scattered you. So the wind would have taken my melancholy, taken it and scattered it across the free field. As for you, grass, Not a single soul hurts, No one’s heart aches, does not ache, So that I, God’s servant (name), For God’s servant, do not suffer, do not cry, Do not sob And every day forget God . In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen. Throw some grass near your house. Your soul will soon calm down.
Out of longing for the deceased, they open the door wide open and seat the patient in front of the open door. The spell for melancholy is read while standing to the left of the person (near the heart). The words of the conspiracy are: From my words, from my deeds, get out, melancholy, from this body. So that there would be no melancholy neither in the head, nor inside, nor in the heart and nor in the bones, nor in the veins, nor in the clear eyes, nor in the liver, nor in the red cheeks. You won’t be here, melancholy, And you won’t be tormented by souls. The door is open for you, the road back is forgotten. Go, melancholy, beyond the threshold. It is not I who is driving you away, but God Himself. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Now, forever, forever and ever. Amen. Read the plot three evenings in a row, and after that the person will get rid of melancholy. He begins to eat, cries less, and then comes to his senses. Little by little the person comes back to life. Close people should remove all photographs of the deceased person from their sight for some time. Also, if possible, remove things that may remind you of the deceased.
If they cry day and night for the deceased, the plot is read on the water. This water relieves longing for a deceased person. The plot is read like this: Water, water, sister of the earth, Give (such and such) a slave a drink, wash it, Soothe her burning melancholy. Saint Tikhon, let (so-and-so) calm down. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Now, forever, forever and ever. Amen.
Quickly relieve longing for the deceased Take the three-leaf icon and wash it with water. They wash a yearning person with the same water and at the same time quietly say a spell: Longing, longing, go away, free up the holy place. Come, appear, calm down, Give (such and such) peace and sleep. Not one, not two, not three. Grief and longing, go away. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Now, forever, forever and ever. Amen.
spell for melancholy
