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Question:
I urge you to consider jealousy in marriage from a biblical perspective. For example, some people imagine all sorts of unreasonable situations in which their partner might cheat on them, while others have good reason to worry about infidelity. How to approach this issue from both points of view - the one who is jealous, and the one who is supposedly to blame and caused the jealousy of his partner? Thank you very much. May God help you!
Jealousy does cause a lot of problems in many families, and it has destroyed many marriages. There is justified jealousy, but often there is no reason for it.
Jealousy Law
In the Old Testament, God gave the following law to prevent problems that arise from unfounded jealousy, as well as to punish those who committed adultery while married. This is what this law says about jealousy:
“...tell the children of Israel and tell them: if someone’s wife cheats on someone, and is unfaithful to him, and someone sleeps with her and sheds seed, and it is hidden from the eyes of her husband, and she is defiled secretly, and there is no witness against her, and if he is not caught and the spirit of jealousy and he is jealous of his wife when she is defiled, or the spirit of jealousy and he is jealous of his wife when she is not defiled, the husband shall bring his wife to the priest and He will sacrifice for her a tenth of an ephah of barley flour, but he will not pour oil on it or add frankincense, because it is an offering of jealousy , an offering of remembrance, reminiscent of iniquity; and let the priest bring her and set her before the Lord, and the priest shall take the holy water in an earthen vessel, and the priest shall take the earth from the floor of the tabernacle and put it in the water; And the priest will set the wife before the Lord, and will uncover the woman’s head, and will give her the offering of remembrance in her hands—this is the offering of jealousy , and in the priest’s hand will be bitter water that brings a curse. And the priest will curse her and say to the wife: if no one has slept with you, and you have not become defiled and have not cheated on your husband, then you will be unharmed by this bitter water that brings a curse; but if you have been unfaithful to your husband and have become defiled, and if anyone has slept with you other than your husband, then let the priest swear the wife with the oath of a curse, and the priest will say to the wife: May the Lord give you over to a curse and a curse among your people, and may the Lord make your bosom fall into decay. and your belly is swollen; and let this water, which brings a curse, pass into your inward parts, so that your belly may swell and your bosom should fall. And the wife will say: Amen, amen. And the priest will write these spells on a scroll, and wash them away in bitter water; And he will give the woman bitter water that brings a curse to drink, and the water that brings a curse will enter into her to her harm. And the priest shall take the grain offering of zeal , and shall offer that offering before the Lord, and shall bring it to the altar; And the priest will take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial, and burn it on the altar, and then give the woman some water to drink; and when he gives her water to drink, then, if she is unclean and has committed a crime against her husband, the bitter water that brings a curse will enter her to her harm, and her womb will swell and her womb will fall off, and this woman will be cursed among her people; if the wife was not defiled and was clean, then she will remain unharmed and will be fertilized with seed. This is the law of jealousy : when a wife cheats on her husband and becomes defiled, or when the spirit of jealousy and he is jealous of his wife, then let him bring the wife before the Lord, and the priest will do everything with her according to this law, and it will be The husband is pure from sin, but the wife bears her sin” (Numbers 5:12-31).
This law was not given to harm anyone, but to save a woman from constant baseless accusations. If she committed adultery, then, thanks to God's punishment, everyone would know about the sin committed. Interestingly, in this text the man was absolved of guilt for accusing his wife of infidelity. Why? The reason is that there were some suspicions that made him go to the priest. God gave this law so that a husband would not find fault with his wife every day and would not make false accusations against her that he was not sure of and which he could not substantiate.
But such a law was in effect in the Old Testament and was given to the people of Israel. It does not work in our countries and among Christians. Naturally, we will ask...
Fighting the Tree of Sin
Question.
I am overcome by the pangs of jealousy. Because of my jealousy, I always ruin relationships with my loved one. In addition to this, not very kind thoughts come to mind, I would even say black ones. I feel bad from this, from these thoughts. Sometimes it seems to me that two people live inside me: one wants to get rid of this vicious feeling, to cleanse myself, and the other fuels this feeling, inflames it. Explain what jealousy is from the point of view of the Orthodox faith and how to deal with it, how to get rid of it, with the help of what prayer?
Answer.
Jealousy is one of the most powerful passions, under the influence of which many crimes have been committed, including murders and suicides.
The basis of jealousy is pride as a feeling of ownership, to whom another person should belong entirely, according to some non-existent right. The second is spiritual, blind love, which turns a person himself into a slave of passion. Jealousy combines two other passions: suspicion and vindictiveness, which is why jealousy can literally dry up the human soul. Every passion has a moment of pleasure, even anger and rage, and a person surrenders to jealousy like a stormy stream that carries him to an unknown destination.
From a Christian point of view, jealousy is the opposite of love, since love does not seek its own (I Cor. 13:5), and jealousy is vigilant so as not to lose the one it considers its own. Life with a jealous person becomes painful. Every look, every word can be interpreted as hidden betrayal, and both persons are in constant mental tension. To fight jealousy, you need to change your attitude towards God, people and yourself.
Spiritual love drives out jealousy, so you need to seek love through acts of mercy and prayer, including through prayer for the woman for whom you are jealous.
It is very useful, in the presence of this passion, to remember about death, that here on earth everything ends and separation is inevitable; but pure love unites people in the future life, and jealousy, like all evil and sin, separates them forever. Jealousy is a test given to you that you must fight.
Saint John Climacus writes that people who are angry, but those who have overcome anger receive a greater reward than those who are not angry in nature. The same can be said about jealousy.
Having defeated her, you will immediately ascend several steps of the spiritual ladder. Pray to the holy Apostle John the Theologian that he will extinguish the fire of jealousy in your soul with spiritual love.
— Service “Elitsy.Zapiski”: Order prayers for all everyday and spiritual needs to the venerable Orthodox shrines of Russia and the world: zapiski.elitsy.ru/special/ozdravii?partner=elitsyweb
What should someone who is tormented by jealousy do?
If a wife makes her husband jealous, or if a husband makes his wife jealous, then it is necessary to say this wisely and respectfully so that the husband understands this and no longer gives reasons for jealousy. In fact, in a Christian family, where a husband and wife serve God and obey Jesus Christ in everything, such conversations do not happen, because both spouses know that they live correctly before God. Since God's love is in their hearts, they do not think badly of each other, because love does not think evil. And if someone is overcome by a spirit of jealousy, then you should tell your life partner about this, and also say what exactly makes you jealous and suspect something is wrong.
What is the basis of jealousy?
Jealousy is based on 3 emotions:
- Fear. We are afraid of losing a loved one. However, this is not the emotion we experience when our significant other is sick. The fear that arises during jealousy is associated with a sense of possessiveness. Remember that no one can belong to you. Every person has free will. A simple example: God does not keep anyone in the church, but, despite a person’s choice, the Lord does not stop loving him.
- Anger. We are angry that a loved one might cheat on us. When anger arises, it is important to remember that we live in a world that “lies in evil.” Priests advise to internally come to terms with the fact that betrayal may occur. As they say, you need to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
- Resentment. We are offended that our soulmate did not stay with us, but chose a completely different person. But here it’s worth remembering again about everyone’s free will. If you love a person, respect his opinion and choices.
People obsessed with jealousy
Since they themselves are unfaithful, immoral and depraved people, they always blame their spouse for such things and throw tantrums due to jealousy. Many honest women spend their entire lives listening to unfair accusations of infidelity from immoral husbands.
One day a man who was a debauchee and a drunkard came home in the middle of the night. But he was so drunk that he fell asleep on the stairs, outside, leaning against the door. His wife was used to her husband’s behavior (although she shouldn’t have been), and so she woke up in the morning, fed the children, dressed them, and got them ready for school and kindergarten. But when she wanted to open the door, she was unable to do so because her drunken husband was sleeping on the floor, leaning against the door. Then, in order not to irritate him even more, she said:
- Darling, please let me open the door to take the children to school and kindergarten.
“Go, whore, to where you were all night,” he replied.
This often happens in families where one of the spouses cheats. Often it is the one who is unfaithful who is obsessed with groundless jealousy. In other words, the thief shouts: “Thief!”
What can this feeling lead to?
The consequences of jealousy are very diverse. First of all, this feeling leads to a deterioration in relationships. One of the partners does not believe the other, arranges surveillance, makes claims, and the other becomes offended, upset if the jealousy is groundless, and begins to gradually move away from his other half.
If there is a child in the family, then jealousy will certainly affect his psyche. All children react very sharply to what happens between their parents. Quarrels and scandals arising from jealousy can lead to the development of neurotic reactions in a child.
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Speaking about jealousy, it is worth noting that it can become obsessive and manifest itself in aggressive actions. Crime statistics are disappointing. After analyzing it, we can conclude that every tenth crime against a person is committed due to feelings of jealousy.
Advice to women from priests
Many priests say that it is usually women who admit to jealousy. They are the ones who most often turn to clergy for help and say that their husbands often, for one reason or another, communicate with beautiful girls.
Priests advise first of all to understand that the husband fell in love with his wife not only for her beauty. An important role was played by character, soul, and primary relationships that developed in the process of communication. You shouldn’t get hung up on the fact that your husband communicates with beautiful girls. Firstly, the need for communication may arise during work. Secondly, men can cheat not only with beauties.
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The priests also note that you should not nag a man or torment him with your suspicions. A good wife will always trust her husband, love him and will not push him to cheat.
How to deal with jealousy: recommendations from priests
Priests recommend analyzing your relationship with your significant other. Perhaps you have ever made mistakes, for example, you devoted little time to your loved one, often found fault with little things. When you admit your mistakes, you will take some of the blame on yourself. As a result, it will be easier for you to cope with jealousy. To change the current situation, try to correct previous mistakes.
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Priests also advise praying. Turn to God and ask him to send forgiveness and peace to your family. If your words are sincere, the Lord will help you cope with resentment and get rid of feelings of jealousy.
Work on yourself
If you are tormented by causeless jealousy, you should work on yourself. An unwanted feeling can have different roots. In some cases, the cause of jealousy lies in self-doubt, in other cases – in low self-esteem.
Cases in which a sense of self-worth is lost are often associated with childhood traumatic experiences. And here you can endlessly list different options. A traumatic experience may be associated with the appearance of a brother or sister in the family, the divorce of parents, etc. To find the true cause of unreasonable jealousy, it is recommended to consult a psychologist. When a problem has deep roots in childhood, a person often cannot detect the patterns associated with it that take place in his life.
Conclusion: do not be jealous of your soulmate, learn to trust. Also try to talk with your chosen one or chosen one more often. Often, various suspicions and problems in couples arise due to the fact that partners hide important information from each other and do not want to discuss this or that topic.
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