Sooner or later, parents will be gone, friends come and go, and acquaintances do not consider it necessary to get close to unknown people. But your sister will always be the dearest person with whom you grew up and have common blood and memories.
Sometimes it is not always possible to find a common language even with close people. Quarrels can appear literally out of thin air, developing into a serious conflict. Let's find out how to make peace with your sister, what steps to take, what to say when apologizing.
No pride
Many people want to know how to make peace with their sister. But they are hampered by their pride and unwillingness to understand how the offended person feels.
Before going to peace, drop any accusations against your sister. Do you want to ask for forgiveness? Ask, but do not say words like this after an apology: “I’m to blame, but you also behaved inappropriately” or “Forgive me, but you should also apologize.”
Don't expect repentance in return. This is the highest manifestation of selfishness and pride, and with such an attitude it is simply stupid to go and ask for forgiveness from your sister. There is a risk that you will quarrel again, and the conflict will develop into something more.
Who is jealous of whom?
Siblings may feel that there is a wall of black envy between them. Is it so? Who is to blame? Feelings of envy, or the suspicion that you are envied, poison relationships. Envy is like toxins in pure spring water. Its consequences are disastrous. It hurts, deprives one of objectivity, and interferes with goodwill. Usually, suspicions of envy among sisters are mutual. How to understand what exactly envy is preventing you from making peace?
Where does envy come from?
- Did our parents praise either of us more?
- Are my sister and I so different that each has strengths that the other completely lacks?
If, as babies, the sisters were forced to compete for the attention and love of their parents, then, growing up, they continue to compete, comparing their successes in adulthood. It is important to understand that envy in the relationship between the sisters was not their fault. The reason is rooted in the unbalanced approach of parents! It is the parents who are responsible for the fact that their children are forced to envy each other and compare their successes. The past cannot be undone. You can change the present.
How to stop competing?
- Take a piece of paper and write down your strengths and hers in separate columns. Think about the resulting list - isn’t each of you beautiful in your own way?
- Hang the list in a prominent place and reread it when you feel that you are superior to your sister in something, or, conversely, she is superior to you.
Is persistence good or bad?
The best way for those who want to find out how to make peace with their sister is to talk to her. Do not send interested parties, but confess in person.
As soon as your sister sees sincere repentance, she will definitely melt and want to forgive you. But you need to speak from a pure heart. Use the advice above and don't blame her for the fight.
- First, find the right moment. There is no need to come to your sister’s work when she is very busy. It will only be annoying.
- Secondly, if you don’t know what to say, then think through your monologue in advance.
Persistence is not always good. There are different types of quarrels, and if yours was accompanied by hurtful words and hatred, then a truce can be difficult. It happens that your sister needs to be given time to think things over and cool down.
How to restore love between children?
We asked practicing psychologist, art therapist Karine Rakhmani and leading psychologist at the Psychological Consulting Office “Psy-tree”, Gestalt therapist Irina Bondarenko, to comment on the situation.
Karine Rakhmani explains: “Girls subconsciously have a greater psycho-emotional “attachment” to their father, and boys to their mother. This is how nature intended it. The task of each parent, realizing this nature of things, is to “hand over” the child to be raised by a parent of the same gender. If this succeeds, boys strive to be like dad, and girls strive to be like mom. This is where the formation of an appropriate social role begins. The “transfer” of a child to a parent of the same sex will take place only when the girl, seeing the sincere love of her father for her mother, begins to imitate her mother, gets closer to her, trying to earn the same love from her father.
This is especially significant when parents divorce. It is important to maintain this parental balance for the child so that he does not become a “battlefield” for his own interests for the parents and their new families.
For a child, divorce is always a trauma. Imagine that one day you have to decide which hand you need more - the right or the left. Often divorced parents try to cheer up their child with phrases: “You’re already an adult, you should understand me!” And of course, in search of approval, the child agrees to take on the obligations imposed by the parents. He might even be able to carry this burden for a while.
And the parents, in turn, watching how their daughter “calmly accepts the divorce,” are busy with their own affairs and stop paying due attention to the child, who “is doing well.” But the burden is too heavy for a child’s psycho-emotional structure. At this stage, the most important task of parents is to help the child survive his pain, not to drive it deeper into the soul, like a thorn.”
“The reaction to divorce, or more precisely, to the consequences of divorce, can be delayed, as, for example, in the situation with Dasha,” adds Irina Bondarenko. – If we remember, when Dasha was 5 years old, she found a new relative in the form of her father’s wife, and with this, double attention. And even the birth of a new child did not upset everyone’s favorite first-born. But the most difficult moment in this story occurred during Dasha’s adolescence, during which her mother built a new family, and her father and his family left the region. Needless to say, this is a very long distance and another stress for Dasha? Life has changed again. Perhaps there is too much freedom and loneliness.”
What to talk about?
You can make peace with your sister if she is at fault. How to do it? Very simple! You should come to her, and if you can’t see her in person, then just call her.
- Start with a greeting. Speak slowly, calmly and try not to worry. Ask your sister if she has the ability to speak. If she's still upset with you, she'll probably say she's busy. Ask for a minute to talk.
- Ask for forgiveness. You don't have to speak in a cliche way. Speak from the heart what your heart tells you. If you want, you can talk about how dear your sister is and why the quarrel makes you feel bad.
- Don't blame. Even if she was the instigator of the conflict, you should not apply pressure and try to extract words of apology from her. Just draw conclusions: if the sister is wise, then she will admit her mistake. In the next conflict, if history repeats itself, you will no longer have to be the first to apologize. This is especially important when the relationship involves a sibling. Whether you reconciled or not later, the main thing is not to forget that pride has no place here.
- Be wiser. The last point follows from the third point: show prudence and take the first step. There are many stories where sisters and brothers are in conflict for years because no one dares to come first.
Why do children fight?
- Tired: at the end of the day, from any activity, from excessive communication in kindergarten, etc. Unfortunately, most often tired children will not accept your attempts at parenting.
- Excess energy. If you know your child needs a lot of physical activity, try to satisfy this need with long walks. Evening walks are the best prevention of evening quarrels.
- Lack of your own space or opportunity to be alone. Every child should have at least a shelf above their bed with their “property”.
- Childhood crisis of one of the children.
- Birthday of one of the children. Most often, on such days, the attention of parents and guests is focused on the birthday boy, and other children suffer from lack of attention. [1]
- Competition for the love and attention of parents, envy of the success of another, resentment for the privileges received by a brother or sister, etc.
The good news is that these fights can have a positive side.
But you're older!
Older sisters and brothers are always given greater responsibility. They must protect the younger ones, teach them and even educate them. But how can you make peace with your older sister if she is too proud or, perhaps, very vulnerable?
Since you are the youngest child in the family, your opinion is often not taken seriously, as are grievances. But situations are different. Therefore, before you go to peace with your older sister, try to understand her emotions and mental organization. Why is she offended? What prompted her to stop communicating with you? Where is your fault?
When you analyze the situation, you should immediately approach your sister and ask for forgiveness. Or just talk, convincing her that a quarrel with her is too difficult an ordeal. This will not only help make peace, but will also set a good example.
How does the elder feel: “You’re already an adult”
Let's imagine a situation: a baby is growing up, the only one and loved by all family members. All the attention of adults belongs to him, they share all the best with him, they love him, they pamper him.
A few years later someone else appears. From the only and beloved child turns into the “eldest”. They tell him: “You are already an adult, now your brother is little, you need to take care of him.” Now they give toys and candies not only to him, but also with the words: “Don’t be greedy, he’s small. Give it away, share it!” In the evening, instead of reading a book to him, his mother fiddles with this “screaming bundle,” and they tell him: “Go to sleep yourself, you’re not little.” And the worst thing is that now it will always be like this.
Loneliness, resentment, hopelessness, betrayal by those closest to you, anger, hatred... How many complex feelings fall on a child at once! He feels bad, hurt and offended. But instead of support, he hears: “You’re already an adult, you can handle it.” Only parents forget that this adult recently turned four years old.
But instead of support, he hears: “You’re already an adult, you can handle it.” Only parents forget that this adult recently turned four years old.
The child’s psyche is not yet able to adequately cope with such stress, so the baby defends himself as best he can.
He sees that mom and dad now belong not only to him. He feels that his toys and sweets are being taken away from him; everything dear and important to him now has to be shared with his brother. In addition, parents often instruct older children to look after younger ones, thereby shifting their parental functions to the child.
The brother, whom everyone loves so much, is perceived by the eldest child as an enemy, as a rival. With his appearance, all the good things in life disappeared. The child himself suddenly “matured” sharply and lost his status as the only one. Daily rituals, spending time with parents, to which the child is accustomed, are now in short supply... And he is also forced to take care of this creature.
The baby may even think: “What did I do that they suddenly got a brother? Am I really so bad that I need to be replaced, found better? It turns out that neither my mother nor my father needs me now, they now have a brother...”
Well, how can you love your brother? It is quite logical that the child will be jealous of the younger one and will begin to hate the newly emerged rival.
The baby may even think: “What did I do that they suddenly got a brother? Am I really so bad that I need to be replaced, someone better should find me?”
The mother of a five-year-old child says that with the advent of his younger brother, it was as if he had been replaced:
“He has become so capricious, he urgently needs those toys that the little one plays with, although before he did not remember them at all. We begin to swaddle the baby, he comes and lies down next to him so that they do the same with him. Where does such childhood jealousy towards a younger child come from? And the worst thing is that he seems to be deliberately trying to kill his brother! Once I caught him putting a pillow on his brother. The next day he tripped me when I was taking the baby for a bath, and I could barely resist. And a week ago I simply left the window open in the room where the baby was lying, although he perfectly understands that it’s winter outside...”
Such complaints are typical for mothers of two children.
And finally
It is not enough to simply apologize or make peace with a loved one. It is important to learn a lesson from a conflict and then apply it in the future.
Believe me, people who make the same mistakes often remain lonely because their loved ones abandon them. If you have made peace with your sister, then try to smooth out the corners in the future and be more prudent!
If your sister refuses to go to peace, then do not insist. Don't stalk her, don't threaten her, don't bombard her with letters. Do this periodically, giving her the opportunity to rethink everything, and perhaps take a break from you. After all, situations in life are really different!
Surviving divorce: practical advice
Psychologists are sure that it is necessary to sublimate the experiences that destroy a child. Art therapy, dance practices, and sports give good results.
Karine Rahmani offers a simple exercise: “Let's draw what fear would look like (loneliness, hatred, your mood now, our family, etc.).” The pictures that children draw at such sessions are almost always gloomy, they express painful experiences from which the child wants to be freed. They can be crumpled, burned, or, for example, placed in a balloon and released, watching it fly away, taking away the negative experience. With the help of an adult, you can add strokes and details to the drawing, turning it into a completely positive image. Such transformations will show the child ways to free himself from pain.
If the child’s deep experiences are not realized through controlled methods, then he himself will choose drastic methods - alcohol, drugs, sects, antisocial behavior and the like.
Greetings
So, there is a task - to write a letter to my brother in the army. First of all, you need to put down the date of compilation
And it doesn’t matter where exactly the text is written - on paper or in a word processor. Many conscripts store such messages throughout their service, and often even after it.
The date at the very beginning allows you to remember exactly when the message was received.
Next you need to write a greeting. Typically, when composing text, most people use names, for example, “Dear Sasha,” “Hello, Sasha,” or the less formal “Hello, Sasha.” It is advisable to put an exclamation point at the end. It is better to write the main part of the text on the next line to highlight the appeal.
