Nesterov M.V. “Sick Girl”, 1928. Photo from www.liveinternet.ru
How to be close if a dying person is suffering and asks not to prolong his torment? Pray for God to take him away or do everything to make him last longer? What would be more merciful? The priest of the hospital church of the Holy Blessed Tsarevich Demetrius (Moscow) Roman Batsman answers:
Mercy for the Dying: Taking Full Responsibility
– Praying for death is not always reprehensible. In the priestly missal there is “An rite performed for the release of the soul from the body when a person has suffered for a long time,” and from the name itself it is obvious that we can ask God to end the torment of the sick person and take him to Himself. This rite contains prayers that can be read by a layman.
But here the motive that guides the person praying is very important. Does he really want the patient’s suffering to end? Or are you just tired and want to quickly get rid of the heavy burden of caring for the suffering? Or there is both one and the other motive - then it is important to understand what comes first.
It is important to listen to the answers of your heart, and for this you need to be very attentive and have preparation in the spiritual life. A person who leads a spiritual life, reads the Gospel, and regularly confesses, has the skill of distinguishing false thoughts from true ones. But those who do not lead a spiritual life can most likely make mistakes. Of course, in such a situation, you need to double-check yourself, turn to a priest: the patient’s confessor (if he has one), to your confessor. You can also consult with an experienced hospital chaplain.
An unbeliever can simply ask a person who is nearby and knows him, so that he can honestly answer him what his true motive is. By facial expressions, glances, intonation and facial expressions, others can see what we hide from ourselves.
It happens that dark forces, wanting to tempt a person, play on his suspiciousness and whisper to him that prayer “for the release of the soul from the body” is evidence that a person thinks only about himself and his own comforts, and this, of course, is a sin. And it's better to leave everything as it is. But in fact, the person praying may not have such selfish feelings, so you need to properly test yourself and weigh why you are asking.
Quite difficult questions arise before the caregiver even if the dying person himself begins to ask him not to prolong the torment, but to let him leave peacefully. Or he refuses to take painkillers, wanting to purify himself through suffering before death. Another does not want to go to the hospital, where he has a chance to live longer, but wants to stay at home, among his relatives, among the icons in front of which he prayed, where the priest comes to him. And another dying person refuses medical care and a hospital because of despondency, apathy, or even resentment towards God and people. Some people refuse out of pride, others fall into delusion: “God will heal me without doctors,” non-believers sometimes set conditions for God: “If there is a Lord, He will cure me.”
Here it is also important to understand the motive that motivates the dying person in one or another of his requests. But when figuring out the motive, you need to avoid making several mistakes. First, you should not say “I know how you feel.” A healthy person does not know what a deeply sick and suffering person feels. In addition, everyone believes that their suffering is unique and the patient will perceive such seemingly sympathetic words as a devaluation of their experiences.
In addition, if a person himself clearly speaks about his motives (for example: I want to suffer in order to be reconciled with God), we should not pry into his soul and ask for details whether this is true or not. This is a matter of his conscience and God. But we can tell such a patient cases from paterikons, when people sometimes talked about some motives, but in fact they were guided by completely different ones. Such stories can help you look at yourself from the outside.
If the patient is a believer and has a confessor, you should definitely consult with him. If there is no confessor, but the patient is generally “not against priests,” such a meeting can be proposed. Just be sure to provide for the possibility of all sorts of superstitious fears, they say, the priest is called just before my death, I’m dying! It is necessary to explain that a priest is a person with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk about the meaning of life, sort out some troubling questions, and find answers. But there is no need to invite the sick person to confess and receive communion; this should be done by a priest.
If the patient’s motive is clear, then you need to act based on it. In a state of despondency, pride and delusion, it is dangerous to let a person go to Eternity; he needs to be helped to reconcile with people and God, and this requires time - and, therefore, medical help. And if a person has reconciled himself in everything with the Lord and his neighbors and is ready to transition into Eternal Life, then his desire should be respected.
Mercy involves taking into account a person’s desire, opinion and mood. Otherwise, it turns out that we want what’s best for a person, but in reality we prolong his torment and deprive him of free will and choice. If medical intervention has exhausted itself , and a person feels prepared for the transition, then you need to accept his choice, and not try your best to prolong his physical existence for some ethical and medical reasons. Otherwise, mercy becomes pseudo-mercy.
However, it is important to draw a very clear line: we do not help a person die, we do not prevent him from doing this if he wants it and is ready for it. That is, we are not talking about euthanasia and deliberately shortening his life: we are talking about stopping interference in the natural course of events.
If a sick person refuses painkillers, then no matter how difficult it may be for those around him, his right to suffer before death must be respected. But it is important that there is no bitterness in these sufferings, so that they do not lead to despair. Of course, it seems more merciful to give the pill, wait until he falls asleep, and go about his business. It’s much harder to listen to him suffer and scream. But perhaps this will be of greater benefit not only to the patient, but also to the caregiver.
There are situations when a person is no longer himself from suffering and torment, he can neither sleep nor eat, he screams in pain all the time. Of course, ideally, family and friends learn from him in advance about what they should do in such a situation, and are guided by his will. Still, the disease usually progresses, and the patient, imagining what awaits him, tells his loved ones in advance what to do in this or that case. Then they must respect his predetermined choice and make in accordance with it: to give painkillers or not, when to stop supporting life in his body or to hold it until the last.
If such a will was not announced in advance, then the relatives are faced with a very difficult task: to act in accordance with the character of the person, based on what he (being in his right mind) might want. Of course, even when a person is unconscious, in a coma, his soul still lives and develops, and the Lord knows best when to call him to Himself. But, if we know a person well, we can sympathize with him without prolonging his torment and without preventing him from leaving.
And here is the most difficult problem associated with the fact that people are usually not inclined to take responsibility, they prefer to act according to generally accepted schemes, they say, the path goes as it goes, but my hands will be clean. The conscience may be clear, but there is neither mercy nor love in such an act. And this is the very case when the act of love and mercy towards the dying person will consist in not being afraid, in some sense, sacrificing oneself, one’s peace of mind and tranquil dreams, and taking on this terrible responsibility.
What to talk about with a dying person
The Moscow Church of the Deposition of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Leonovo has been caring for patients at Hospice No. 4 for a long time. The rector of the church, Archpriest Andrei Rakhnovsky, talks about how communication with terminally ill people is built, and about the experience of this spiritual work.
What prevents you from meeting your death correctly?
— What problems does a priest face in communicating with hospice patients and their families?
“Very often, the awareness of approaching death is difficult both for the patient himself and for his loved ones. As a rule, relatives encourage a person when he is already in the last stage of life, instead of openly talking about his impending death and living this priceless time together. And the priest must convey to the person the understanding that he needs to prepare for the transition from temporary life to eternal life. But for a seriously ill person, it is often very difficult to come to terms with the idea that he will soon die. And the priest must explain to the patient the importance of preparing for a new stage of his life so that it brings benefit to the person, and does not plunge him into stupor, into despair, when he closes himself off from everyone and does not want to talk to either the priest or his relatives. It should be noted that in our society, conversations about death are suppressed in every possible way (“let’s not talk about it,” “why talk about sad things,” etc.). And a person is brought up in a certain subculture of rejection of death, some kind of abnormal attitude towards it. This taboo prevents us from facing death correctly. Even if you don’t take a spiritual criterion, but look from a purely secular side, then, realizing that you are completing your path, you just need to clear your conscience in front of people. Ask everyone for forgiveness, say a kind word to dear and close people.
— How should the relatives and friends of a sick person behave? Is it necessary to console and strengthen hope in all cases?
“It is imperative to talk about death.” The question is how to do this: what words to choose and what is your inner mood. If you have compassion for a person and see that he still hopes for something and this illusory hope prevents him from realizing the proximity of death and repenting, then in this case you must say everything directly. But if a person constantly repents and consciously confesses, then I believe that there is no need to focus on this topic. In principle, such a person is ready to die.
"God!" - this is already a prayer
— What prayers are more appropriate to read to a person who finds himself in a critical situation?
- You need to pray in any case, no matter how or with what words. But if we talk specifically about prayer texts that contain something that will help a person pour out his soul in grief, in the first place I would name the prayer canon to the Most Holy Theotokos. Or, for example, the prayer of Elder Parthenius of Kyiv - it is very deep, repentant. There are many good prayers. But when a person is in serious condition, it is usually physically difficult for him to read anything. Therefore, short prayers are best suited here: “Rejoice, Virgin Mary,” Jesus Prayer, “Lord, have mercy.” Even just “Oh my God!” - this is already a prayer.
— Are there cases of people miraculously returning from a hopeless state to normal life?
— There were many such cases. One day I was called to my dying grandfather, and I gave him communion. Four years later, his daughter or granddaughter comes to our church to submit a note about the repose of the newly deceased. I ask: “Why the newly deceased? He died four years ago.” The woman says: “Father, what are you talking about! After receiving communion, he came to his senses that same evening and lived for another four years!”
We are waiting for volunteers
— Do priests caring for hospices need help from lay parishioners? How can we help?
- Of course we need it! Without the lay people who help in hospice, it would be difficult for us. The priest is usually very busy; he will come to confess and give communion. It often happens that patients ask to read the Psalter or prayers for communion aloud. And here lay believers can help.
In addition, volunteers do many other things: take care of flowers, organize various events for patients (concerts, treats, etc.), take patients outside in good weather, and spend time with them.
Volunteers at the hospice also maintain a coffee corner, which was organized with funds donated by parishioners of the Church of the Deposition of the Virgin Mary. Previously, it was an abandoned nursing station that no one had ever used, but now it is a cozy sitting area with good furniture, where relatives of patients can drink coffee and heat up food. They even celebrated a birthday there. We made a corner for the children where they can play. Not long ago, another area was equipped where birds now live, there is a sofa with armchairs, a small chest of drawers and a floor lamp.
Through joint efforts, we manage to make this institution not a government institution, but a cozy one, where it is comfortable to be. Of course, there is still a lot of work, but a lot has already been done. On the website of the Temple of the Deposition of the Robe in Leonov we publish information about the needs of the hospice, as well as reports on the work done. If someone is interested and wants to help, we will be very happy, because the help of volunteers is a great help both for patients and their relatives, and for the hospice staff.
Legs-crackers. The story of one memory
Illustration: Veronchikchik On a hot day, I bought a kilogram of cherries from a street stall. And the smell of berries warmed in the sun reminded me of an old story.
Many years ago a woman came to see me. She sat for a long time, saying nothing, with her head down and her hands hanging down. I hadn’t worked as a psychologist for very long then, but I was already an adult and knew: this is what real grief looks like. I decided not to even ask anything - let her tell me when she finds it convenient.
“I’m tired,” the woman finally said. — The head of the department told me to come to you. She said psychologists have their own methods. Maybe you can tell me where to get the strength?
“Psychologists don’t have such methods,” I sighed honestly, having not yet completely forgotten my basic natural science education, and asked: “But what happened to you?”
“My son is dying, ten years old.
“Oh...” I lost my breath, although this is exactly what I expected. - What about treatment?
- There is nothing else. All the doctors said so.
— Is he in the hospital?
- Not at home. I asked myself. He is smart, he studied well, the teacher always praised him. He hears what is happening around him. He asked: Mom, am I dying? I probably should have lied, but I started crying like a fool. And he, imagine, began to console me: Mom, don’t cry, why, everyone will die someday, well, some later, some earlier - it’s nothing like that. And he asked: “Then let me die at home, I’ll be calmer there.” So we took him.
And now every hour she watches her son fade away, I imagined.
— Do you have any other children? - asked and waited with horror for a negative answer.
- Eat. “I breathed out a sigh of relief. — My daughter is five years old, at first she asked when her brother would get up and play with her, but now, apparently, she also realized something and doesn’t ask anymore. And he doesn’t come to him.
—Are you mentally tired or is caring for your son difficult?
- For my son - no. He sleeps a lot. But there is also my grandmother, who raised me, on the other side of the city.
- What’s wrong with her?
“You will laugh,” the woman smiled bitterly, “but she is also dying.” But at least she's old enough.
-Are you looking after her? No one else?
- Yeah. There is no one. My mother, her daughter, now lives in Sochi. With my fourth husband. And my grandmother’s character was always sharp and commanding. She worked as the head of the site, working on men, and many of them from the camps were imprisoned there. I tried to hire a nurse - she kicked two out, two left on their own. No, he says, I need you to understand how. And of those four, one was even a nurse.
— Does the grandmother know what is happening to her great-grandson?
- He knows. And he says: since he can no longer be helped, then you will leave the apartment, go to the old woman, while you spend an hour on the subway, and to the store, and you look at people - and you will be a little distracted.
There is no way to deny logic to grandma, I mentally admitted.
- So your grandmother is of sound mind?
- Absolutely. Everyone would do that. But he can hardly get up anymore. She even has difficulty sitting down on her own. And most importantly, she was practically blind. But she’s still trying to do something herself. I fell three times. The doctor suggested hospitalization, but she said: if you send me to die in an almshouse, I’ll curse you, so be it. I'm afraid. Yes, and I understand her - she can no longer move or see, but she still wants to talk, but would a stranger understand and listen? And my hands and head are already shaking. And ringing in my ears. I can’t sleep at night, I lie and stare at the ceiling. I recently fell asleep on the subway and fell on the floor; people lifted me up, awkwardly.
- Do you have a husband? Does he say something? Does it? — I decided to test the resources.
- Eat. He worries too, of course. He works late on purpose - he explains: money is needed now and will be needed again. Once I asked him directly: how are you? He replied: I’m sorry, but I would like this to all end as soon as possible.
It was a long time ago. I was young and self-confident. A woman in a really difficult life situation came for advice on optimizing energy spending. From experience (and not from psychological education) I knew: everyone, even the most powerful and self-sufficient person, has moments in life when they want someone competent to confidently say: do this and that. Get started now. It seemed to me that this was that very moment.
- Listen, I'll tell you what to do! - I decided. - You will take your grandmother to your place.
“But we don’t have a separate room for her.” Two-roomed flat. We already took our daughter to our room so as not to disturb our son. Yes, she won’t agree.
- He agrees. This is the trick! You put a dying but sane grandmother in the room with her dying son. And first tell her to tell him everything. You will give her information through those channels that are still working for her, so that memories are turned on: old music, taste, smells - these are the most ancient and powerful. You will say: this is your last task in life. Last work. So that he can take his mind off the fact that he is dying so early. And you will tell him: listen, she needs this in order to leave calmly, but I no longer have the strength. And he will leave, as if having absorbed and lived her damn long life, and you will be able to care for them in one compartment.
The woman thought for a moment and then asked:
— What is a compartment?
“A separate region in a living cell, usually surrounded by a layer of lipid membrane,” I clearly reported.
She looked at me with respect and, after hesitating a little more, nodded.
“Come and tell me when everything is settled,” I told her, thinking to myself: what if it turns out even worse? I need to know.
She came.
- You know, everything and nothing. Although my grandmother is a commander, she is a man of duty: I said - it’s necessary, but she didn’t say a word. I wear everything to smell, put on music, prepare food according to her order, as you ordered. She's clearly having memories. Now she tells him almost all the time when he is awake. About my childhood and youth in the south. All sorts of stories from work, what fates people had then - I myself sometimes go in and listen.
- And your son?
— He listens, smiles. Sometimes he asks questions. Although quite weak.
Then she cried a little and left. I sat for a long time and thoughtlessly looked out the window.
Several years have passed. A woman came to the reception with a long-legged teenage girl. Both are smiling.
— We would like career guidance. Otherwise she is a doctor today, and a firefighter tomorrow. My father and I are already exhausted. At least talk to her.
“Yes, no problem,” I smiled too. - Take a seat somewhere.
“You don’t remember me, of course.” This was many years ago...
—Have you and your daughter come to see me before?
- No. I came alone. My son and grandmother were dying at the same time. You ordered them to be placed in the same room.
- Oh…
- He didn't die! — the woman broke into a happy smile, and goosebumps ran down my back and my hand began to shake in my fingers. I pulled myself together.
- Tell me.
- What can I tell you? Well, they lie there, and she tells him. He is listening. She immediately told him: “Don’t be afraid of anything, you won’t go there alone, I’m with you. We will arrange everything there as it should.” He really calmed down right away, and I’m glad - you understand.
I look after them. One day, my grandmother said in my ear when he was sleeping: “Don’t judge me too much, follow me again, I don’t want to leave him alone now, I’ll follow him right away and then you’ll be free.”
They lie, that is, they lie, and do not die. Neither one nor the other. The husband says: look, all their deadlines have expired, maybe the doctors got something wrong, who else should I consult with?
Of course, I rushed. They say: it’s true, it’s strange, it means your son’s body still has reserves. And then: there is an experimental treatment in Moscow, not tested, but a chance for those who don’t care. Will you join the group? My husband and I consulted, then we asked our son, and he: do we need to go to the hospital again? We're like, yeah, but maybe it will help you and you won't die. And he: how can I leave my grandmother? Us: Just ask her yourself. And she: of course, go, I’ll wait for you here. He went. And it helped him. The group consisted of 12 people. Four died anyway, the rest improved, and the three youngest recovered completely! We were lucky.
- And grandma?
“As soon as she found out that he definitely felt better, she died immediately.” He was upset, of course, but then we explained to him that she was holding on only for his sake, and now he would have a further life, and it was time for her, and he seemed to understand. He only said something strange: in fact, there is no death, only you don’t understand, and then he didn’t seem to remember.
— What is your son doing now?
— He’s studying at the institute to become an architect. And we recently remembered about you, found out that you still work here, and so we came with Ksyusha.
- Why did you remember?
The mother nodded to her daughter, and the girl, embarrassed, said:
“A strange brother gave me this compliment a week ago: he says, Ksyushka, your legs turned out so cute, tanned, even, like fried croutons with salt and garlic.” Of course, I opened my mouth and said: what are you doing?! Where did you get it from? At first he left in silence, and only in the evening he told me everything: when he was sick and lay with his grandmother, my mother one day brought her cherries heated by the sun from the street. She sniffed it and said: “The trees are all strewn with berries, the sun is shining, there is a small bird in the blue sky and bumblebees are buzzing. I'm sixteen years old. I have a yellow dress with small red flowers and a red scarf. I stand on the stairs and collect berries in a wide basket. She smells it right in my face. And from below, Volodka is our handsome and funny joker, laughing and his white teeth shining in the sun: oh, Lesya, what beautiful and even legs you have - like crackers with salt and garlic. But I’m both ashamed and flattered.”
And with the naive fourteen-year-old coquetry:
- It turns out that I have legs like my great-grandmother, right?
Ksyusha’s mother and I are silent for a long time, living through the surging emotions. And then, well, then - career guidance.
How to help a dying person?
Allah Almighty mentions death 164 times in the Quran, which speaks of the importance attached to this issue in Islam.
Allah Almighty says in the Quran: “And every soul will certainly taste death. If it was hard for you in your immediate life, then on the Day of Resurrection you will be given your rewards in full. And the one who, being close to fire, is removed from it and brought into paradise, will know the taste of success. The immediate life is only temporary joy and temptation, which only seduce and do not last long[1].
Direction towards the qibla. When it becomes noticeable that signs of death are overtaking a person, he is laid on his right side, turning his face towards the qibla, just as he is laid in a grave, and if this does not work, then he is laid on the left, and if it is impossible to lay him down, then he is laid on the back, with the feet and face turned towards the qibla, the head is raised, placing a pillow under it. Then, it is advisable to instill in him the words: “La ilaha illallah”, repeating it next to him, as indicated in the hadith, which says:
ﷺ: ا إله إلا الله" رواه مسلم أبو داود والترمذي
“Inspire those among you who are dying to recite the words, “There is no god but Allah.” [2].
What is associated with the instillation of the words “La ilaha illaALLAH” refers to a dying Muslim, and it is advisable to instill the words of the shahada in an infidel [3]. It is obligatory to instill the words of the Shahada in the infidel if there is hope that he will accept Islam.
Reading Surah Yasin . One of the adabs in relation to the dying is to read Surah Yasin next to them. Reading Surah Yasin is the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). The hadith says that this makes the situation easier for the dying. There is a problem that many Muslims do not know how to read Surah Yasin. And they cannot always find someone who knows how to read this surah. There is a way out of this situation in our time: you can use the recording of Surah Yasin. You can turn on recording on a disk or phone; this will also be of great benefit to the dying person. But it should be noted that reading with a living voice far exceeds the reward, so at least one member of the family must learn to read the Koran. Reading Surah Yasin near a person who is near death is an approved thing. The proof of this is what Imam Ahmad conveyed in the book “Al-Musnad” from Safwan: “When Surah Yasin is read near a dying person, it makes his death easier.”
أنّ النبي ﷺ قال: “اقرؤوا على موتاكم يس” رواه أبو داود وابن حبان
"You read over the dead (for the dying) Yasin" [4].
Hope in the Almighty. It is advisable for a dying person to instill hope in the Almighty. It is very important that a person in a dying state has hope for the mercy of Allah. Try to improve his opinion of Allah so that he does not despair because of his sins. Remind the dying person that Allah is Merciful to slaves, Forgiving of sins, so that he develops an inner attitude towards the forgiveness and mercy of Allah, so that his opinion regarding Allah improves. For a sinful slave, distant from Allah, may not have a good opinion of Allah, thinking that the Almighty will not forgive him his sins. People nearby should instill in the soul of the dying person hope for the mercy of Allah.
An authentic hadith states that Allah Almighty says:
أنا عند ظن عبدي بي
“I will be what My servant thinks Me to be.”
Therefore, when a servant has hopes and improves his opinion of the Lord, this contributes to the mercy of the Almighty. Also, it is better not to force a dying Muslim to say these words, insisting: “You say it!”, as this can harm the dying person. He may say something that will take him out of religion. On the contrary, the person sitting next to you will simply utter the words “La ilaha illaALLAH” and wait a little, if he does not repeat, then after a while he will utter the same words again.
It is also sunnah to give a dying person a drink of water. It is obligatory to give water to a dying person if he demands or gives signs. Since at this moment, due to fear, thirst intensifies, and the Shaitan at this moment approaches him with fresh spring water and says: “You say, “There is no God but me,” and I will give you this water,” and if a person says these words being of sound mind and die, he will die in unbelief. May Allah protect us from this and give us a happy ending[5]!
After the dying person has uttered the words “La ilaha illallah,” the suggestion in the form of dhikr stops until the dying person utters any word, even if this word is not related to worldly life, and when he utters any words, the reminder resumes. The basis for this is in an authentic hadith that says:
"" اّ الله دخل الجنة" رواه أبو داود والحاكم وأحمد في "المسند"
Meaning: “The one whose last words were “La ilaha illallah” will enter Paradise” [6].
After a person has died, it is sunnah to close his eyes.
The basis for this is the hadith in which it is reported that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, when the companion Abu Salamat (may Allah be pleased with him) died, came to him and closed his eyes and then said: “Verily, when the soul leaves the body, the gaze rushes after her,” then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) made a dua for him:
“Allahumma gfir liabi salamata uarfag darazhatahu fil mahdiyina, uahlufgu fi gakibatihi filgabirina, fagfir lyana walyahu ya Rabbal alamin, uafsah lahu fi kabrihi, ua nauuir lahu fihi”[7].
By observing these sunnahs, we can help a loved one die in true faith.
May the Almighty help us to observe the Sunnah, protect us from envying each other and grant all Muslims death in the true faith. Amen.
[1] Surah Al-Imran, verse 185
[2] Muslim 916, “Abu Dawud in Sunan 3117, Tirmidhi in Sunan 976
[3] The words of the testimony are pronounced in full form: “Ashhadu alla ilaha illallah, wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasulullah.”
[4] Abu Dawud in Sunan 3121, Ibnu Hibban 3002
[5] “Tuhfatul Mukhtaj” 94/3
[6] Abu Daoud 3116, Ahmad 233/5
[7] Muslim, 2/634
Ummet.kz
