Conversations with the priest. How to come to terms with the death of a loved one

THOMAS

And so we bring candles and flowers to the site of the tragedy, but we feel... this is not enough. Is it possible to truly share pain with another person?

In the modern information world, we hear about someone else’s grief immediately and in detail. This could be the grief of a stranger whom you accidentally learned about from the news, or the grief of someone you know personally, but not so much that you have real emotional contact. And sometimes we want to do something, but we absolutely don’t know what.

Is there any possibility of consolation? What should it be - reading the Bible, participating in the Sacraments?

Only those who have experienced a similar tragedy and found consolation in something, for example, in reading the Bible or in the Sacraments, have the moral right to give advice to people who have lost what is most precious to them. I don’t have such experience, so I can’t say anything. Here, in my opinion, it’s not so much words that are needed, but personal participation; it’s not so much about talking as it is about listening, absorbing what you hear, and simply being close to the person. So that he can cry on your shoulder and know that you won’t say all sorts of clever things, but just cry with him.

And to advise something like this from a distance, from the outside, in my opinion, is a very dubious activity.

Stages of Grief

For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart; it is impossible to survive the death of her son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone who has experienced the death of their son go through:

1. Shock.
2. Sobs and hysterics.
3. Depression.
4. Mourning.
5. Parting.

Can an ordinary priest console such grief?

“Ordinary” is unlikely. But an experienced, sensitive person, capable of empathizing with the grief of others - yes, he can. There are amazing words in the New Testament: “...the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which God comforts us!” (2 Cor 1:3-4). A very important idea is expressed here: it turns out that only those who have experienced grief themselves, received consolation from God and are now able to share it with other sufferers can console. If a priest has such personal experience of grief and consolation in it, then he can console others. Such a priest will find places in the Bible that will help to survive grief, and will properly prepare a person for the Sacraments.

The priesthood itself does not make a person capable of helping in such troubles. This does not come immediately and not to everyone.

How to cope with the death of your son? Father's advice

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for elderly parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and surely in the next earthly life mother and son will meet again. The hope of a new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from the faith. They don’t understand why God took their child when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell grief-stricken parents a parable.

Why does God select children? What can a person rely on in the event of such a loss?

A strange way to pose the question. Here God is likened to officials from the guardianship authorities who take children away from their parents for one reason or another, which can be considered and appealed in case of an unfair decision. But where in the Gospel do we see Christ taking children away from their parents? On the contrary, He returns to the ruler of the synagogue his daughter, taken away by death, resurrects this twelve-year-old girl, returns her dead son to the widow of Nain.

Children are not taken away by God, but by death. In the Holy Scriptures, death is directly named as the enemy of Christ: “ The last enemy that will be destroyed is death ” (1 Cor 15-26).

To put it very briefly, death entered the world through sin, that is, through man’s free deviation from good. And when children die today, it would be naive to reproach God for their death. It is not God who kills children, but the anger of adults, their irresponsibility, disregard for their responsibilities, indifference and hard-heartedness. In some cases, God protects children from the consequences of sinful behavior of adults and averts the trouble that is already about to break out, in others - not. Why this is so - we are not given the opportunity to find out now. But it is not God who takes children from their parents. You need to know this and firmly believe in it. Because otherwise, you can deprive yourself of the last support and consolation in your grief. If God appears to a person as an enemy who takes away children, who can you complain about Him to, who will protect you from Him? This line of thinking is a sure path to madness.

Regarding the posthumous fate of dead and lost children, one of the most revered fathers of our Church, the Monk Ephraim the Syrian, writes that they are glorified by God even higher than the saints:

“Praise be to Thee, our God, from the lips of sucklings and children, who, like pure lambs in Eden, are nourished in the Kingdom! According to what was spoken by the Holy Spirit” (Ezek. 34:14), they graze among the trees, and Archangel Gabriel is the shepherd of these flocks. Their degree is higher and more beautiful than that of virgins and saints; they are children of God, pets of the Holy Spirit. They are companions on high, friends of the sons of light, inhabitants of a pure land, far from the land of curses. On the day when they hear the voice of the Son of God, their bones rejoice and are glad, freedom, which has not yet had time to disturb their spirit, will bow its head. Their days on earth were short; but life is preserved for them in Eden; and it is most desirable for their parents to approach their abodes.”

A believer generally perceives death differently than an atheist. Where an unbeliever sees a complete and final cessation of existence, for a Christian, through faith, the light of a new life opens, much better than the earthly one. Modern theologian Alexey Ilyich Osipov writes about it this way: “Imagine, in winter, in the mountains in severe bad weather, a group of people, among whom are a mother and her son, got lost. They walk along the paths with every minute danger to their lives. It is unknown how long or how long it will take to get home. But suddenly a helicopter appears, lands and the commander says that he is flying there and there is one free seat. Won't the mother try to do everything possible to get her son taken so that he can be saved?!

This is exactly what happens in human life, when a “helicopter” takes our dear relatives and friends and delivers them home, while we are still walking, not knowing what will happen on our way, what sorrows, illnesses, tragedies, what death . Christianity claims that man on earth is a wanderer, and earthly life is only the way home, and death is only a short-term separation. Soon we will all meet again in our home. That is why the apostle said: “We do not have a permanent city here, but we are looking for the future” (Heb. 13:14). Just God grant that the meeting there with our relatives will not be overshadowed by our bad deeds, but will turn out to be joyful and happy.”

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first parents feel shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there was a mistake or it was some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage for many years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental disorders. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, pushing a doll in a stroller.

Soon after shock and denial, the stage of sobs and hysterics begins. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts about a week and then turns into depression. Hysterics happen less and less often, but at the same time anger, melancholy and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression, parents begin to mourn. They often remember their child, replay the brightest moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then it comes again, I want to speak out or talk to someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, mental torment turns into quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to move on. It’s just a pity that the optimistic speeches of friends will not answer the question of how to help a mother survive the death of her son. Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end can you feel some relief.

Loss of an adult child

This article appeared as an answer to the question of a grieving mother who lost her child just over a year ago - “how not to go crazy?” Losing a child at any age is a great tragedy for a parent, for a mother. Especially when he is already old, when there is a feeling of stability in life - after all, there are no longer the troubles that surround small children, and the difficult adolescence is also behind us. An adult child already has his own life - perhaps he already has a family or a loved one, some career steps, some success in something. We've already lived a lot together, there were a lot of hopes and expectations, a feeling of a huge wonderful life ahead... and it all ends overnight.

How to survive this and not go crazy? Unfortunately, there are no general recommendations here, but let me express some suggestions that might be useful.

1. Science defines the stages of grief, suggesting that after the first anniversary, the pain of loss begins to lessen. This is just one of those concepts that “time heals.” It is assumed that in the case of a difficult experience after an anniversary, we can talk about the development of pathological grief, when not only the support of loved ones is needed, but also special support (psychological, medicinal, and therapeutic).

My personal opinion is that it is important to focus not on the time period, but on the human condition. The work of grief is a very individual process, I call it “your own well of pain that needs to be drawn to the bottom,” sometimes it takes more than a year or longer without turning into a pathological process. However, here are conditions that should alert you and that require mandatory monitoring by a specialist, especially if there is a tendency to “freeze” feelings:

- emerging health problems, especially from the cardiovascular system, stomach, intestines, respiratory system;

- constant thoughts, as if obsessive, memories of the details of the child’s death, about the days around this event; nightmares, emerging fears; difficulty concentrating, complaints of poor memory; immersion in long-term dream-like states, when in fantasies it seems that everything is as before;

- symptoms of clinical depression, its presence can be assumed by passing the Beck test, for example, using this link https://psytests.org/clinical/bdi.html;

- avoidance of communication, cutting off contacts, desire for loneliness, quitting work, excessive consumption of alcohol and/or sedatives (without the supervision of a supervising doctor), thoughts of desire about one’s own death;

- there is a feeling that returning to the “old life”, when different colors of life appear again, is experienced as a betrayal of the deceased, because “how can I rejoice and live on when he is no longer there?”

If you feel that any of the above is present, or there is something else that is alarming, then it is very important not to postpone a visit to a doctor - a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

Psychological support also remains relevant, but in this case we are talking about combining it with medication support, which can only be provided by a doctor.

2. When a loved one or a child dies, there is a feeling that not a single person in the whole world is able to understand how painful it is. It seems that other people experience it more easily, recover faster, and their own experience is bottomless. Yes, of course, each person’s experience is unique, each has “its own well of pain.” However, recently support groups have begun to appear, where people, parents who have lost children, meet. It is difficult to overestimate this experience! The opportunity to share in a safe environment with understanding people, to cry, to see how this happens to others, to support someone, perhaps to hug - these are the steps that protect against a possible “fall into madness” of a solitary experience.

3. Sometimes helping other people in some consonant area is healing. Often, parents who have lost a child organize themselves or help as much as possible to funds that provide assistance with such losses - illnesses, injuries, accidents. You can help in your immediate specialty, if it is useful for the business, and financially, and as any volunteer activity that you are passionate about - on a social network, on the phone, communicating live with people useful for the business, establishing connections and contacts, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, you can’t bring your child back, but with his bright memory you can help prevent someone else’s tragedy, in some cases this turns out to be a healing opportunity to find new meaning.

Feeling of prospects being destroyed

This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.

Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.

You can work out the prospects like this:

1. Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
2. Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.

One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.

Main causes of depression

To get out of depression, you need to know the main list of reasons that could cause this condition:

• serious illness;
• loss of a loved one;
• dismissal from work or difficulties;
• presence of chronic fatigue;
• misunderstanding on the part of people around you (this especially applies to close friends and family).

The impetus for the formation of a depressive state is given by a psychotraumatic situation. A funnel of negative emotions sucks a person into a swamp.

In this case, it is very important to distinguish depression from a short-term (albeit strong) experience. The correct diagnosis can be made based on the following signs:

1. Anhedonia is the loss of the ability to notice changes around, the absence of any positive emotions, as well as laughter.
2. Developed pathological thinking - in this case, all life situations will be perceived through a negative prism, a pessimistic attitude prevails.
3. Inhibition in reactions and actions, prolonged gloomy mood.

On the other hand, depression can develop completely individually, for example: someone is inclined to withdraw into themselves, someone continues to communicate with others as before, but in some situations they are inclined to show aggression and more. Lack of timely and correct help can lead to further deterioration of the chronic condition.

It must be remembered that when trying to help a person who suffers from depressive neurosis, one must try to avoid the influence of such a negative state on oneself. And such a possibility exists if it is not a professional doctor who is trying to overcome depression, but just an untrained person.

They buried and remembered. What's next. List of important things to do after the funeral

There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of immediately after the funeral. Being active will help you take your mind off the experience.

Reimbursement of funeral expenses

Reimbursement of expenses is a legal human right. To receive government compensation, you must keep all receipts. A certain amount can be reimbursed by the former employer of the deceased or government agencies within six months.

Register an inheritance

Relatives have 6 months to register the inheritance. The wife of the deceased inherits the property first.

Register ownership

The ownership of the deceased's property must be certified by a notary. A woman experiencing loss must enter her name into the FSW database.

Renting out real estate

If living in the apartment of the deceased is unbearable due to memories, the best solution would be to rent out the property on a monthly basis.

How to continue to live alone?

Loneliness is not a problem if a person is self-sufficient: he is not bored in his own company, he is not afraid to be alone with his thoughts.

Of course, this is not the time to talk about this at such a difficult moment, but still, how to survive grief alone?

• When a person is left alone with such strong emotions, he learns to understand himself better, recognizes his energy potential, becomes stronger in spirit and more self-confident.
• Loneliness frees up time for self-knowledge, self-development and self-realization.
• Loneliness helps you feel the pain of loss to the fullest, let it pass through you and free yourself.

Reference! Psychologists recommend that after the death of your husband, you must exercise at least once a day, and it does not matter whether you are 25 years old or 60.

The pain that a woman experiences after a loss can be felt on a physical level, and playing sports rebuilds the body and even changes the physiological response. In addition, during intense stress, negative emotions spill out.

The opinion of psychologists There is a way out

Experts have studied the emotional states of many people who have had to endure the death of loved ones and found out that there is a “grief reaction syndrome.” Of course, due to individual characteristics, the reaction to loss cannot be absolutely the same, but there are certainly common features. When starting a conversation on the topic “How to survive the death of a beloved husband?”, psychologists advise the widow to become aware of her feelings and emotions, which change in accordance with the stages of grief:

• shock (in most cases accompanied by hysteria);
• denial of what happened (it's hard to understand how everyone can live as before if my husband is no longer there);
• searches (dreams and sensations may appear that give the illusion of communication with the deceased, hysterics often resume, the woman refuses help and wants to leave after her loved one);
• despair (in addition to intense grief, the widow begins to feel remorse. It seems to her that she was wrong in many ways towards her husband and thereby shortened his life);
• apathy (complete indifference to everything around you).

What can you do to prevent sad feelings from making a woman unhappy forever? Such steps will give you the strength to survive grief.

Humility

It is necessary to clearly understand that death does not escape anyone alive, and it is no longer possible to influence what happened. If previously all your time was filled with worries about your husband, you need to change your activities. Think: would a spouse want to see his beloved in constant suffering? The fact that a wife continues to give joy to herself and her loved ones is an act that would greatly please her untimely departed husband.

Looking forward

You can't become indifferent. Be glad that in the past you were not deprived of happiness, rejoice in the current smiles of your loved ones, the beauty of nature, little surprises, read exciting books.

Useful things

New goals captivate you and drive away boredom. Meeting girls who have suffered the same loss helps a young widow cope with the death of her husband. As a rule, seeing the deplorable state of others, a woman begins to support, give advice from personal experience, and realize that she is not the only one who has suffered such grief. It is useful to start writing letters to suffering people.

Creation

Drawing, embroidery, knitting and any other types of creativity that a woman likes can distract her from sad thoughts and delight her with new skills and successes.

Communication

It is necessary to expand your circle of friends, and eventually start attending interesting events. In adulthood, for example, at 60 years old, it is easier to cope with the death of a husband if you explain to young couples how to understand, appreciate and respect each other. Perhaps, based on your rich experience of family life, someone will write an article or a whole book.

Question for psychologists

Asked by: Julia, 40 years old

Question category: Stress and depression

22.11.2018

Good afternoon, I am 39 years old, my mother is 69. Two years ago we buried my father after a long illness. It was a lot of stress for all of us. He was a wonderful husband and father, he always took care of the family, my mother was “MARRIED” in the literal sense of the word. I understood that it would be difficult mentally, but it had to be overcome. With mom it turned out to be much more complicated! She has always been a strong-willed and rather powerful person; with age, all her character traits became more pronounced. They lived in marriage for 37 years and dad was everything to her. After the funeral, for the second year now, she does not want to leave the house. My already not very good state of health has worsened (my blood pressure constantly fluctuates, osteochondrosis, I have lost a lot of weight, I eat little). Constant tears, inadequate response to harmless words, accusing me of not living up to her hopes and that no one needs her. Although this is absolutely not true. I have my own family: a husband and a 6-year-old son, we live 10 minutes walk from each other. After the funeral, my child and I moved to my mother’s place and lived with her, helping and encouraging her. And now I cook, clean, go shopping and bring her everything she needs every other day, or even stay overnight, and on weekends, too, with her. We call each other several times a day. But you’ll never guess in what tone my mother will answer me; she might hang up halfway through the conversation if my tone seems “not right.” To be honest, I’m already afraid to call her, because I don’t know what kind of mood I’ll get into. She quarreled with all her relatives, accusing them of all conceivable and unimaginable sins. It got to the point that my relatives had already begun to sympathize with me because of my mother’s behavior. Even strangers who answered her “not the way she wants” are equated to enemies! When asked to go for a consultation with a psychologist, there is only one answer - they won’t help me in any way, I myself can teach them some sense! Against this background, over time, I myself began to feel depressed. I became nervous, embittered, began to lose my temper both at work and at home, people and society as a whole began to irritate me! I want to take it and run far into the dense forest so that no one touches or says anything. I try not to react to my mother’s words addressed to me, but I can’t, it becomes offensive and I literally give up. I understand that she is partly a manipulator, before all the “bumps” went to dad, but now I’m in his place.. All my friends and relatives tried to pull her out of this state, but in vain. She herself says that she doesn’t want to go out into the street, that there’s no point... people are walking down the street, but Vitya (my dad) doesn’t have a tear... that is. Dad was the meaning of life. I’m trying to convince her that her life is valuable regardless of her dad, that she needs to move on with her life, he would not approve of such behavior, but so far there is no progress... Please advise what can be done and how not to slip further into depression? I love my mother and want to help, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable... Thank you.

Definition of the concept and signs

The fact that depression has set in after the death of a relative is evidenced by the presence of the following manifestations:

• the world is seen as black, in shades of gray;
• no interests;
• thoughts only about the deceased person;
• food is consumed automatically;
• may suffer from insomnia, nightmares;
• increased anxiety;
• thoughts about one's own death;
• melancholy is constantly present;
• the person feels guilty;
• concentration is noticeably reduced, the person is unable to concentrate on anything;
• his motor skills and thinking become inhibited;
• there is slowness of speech;
• feeling of emptiness and worthlessness;
• lack of social contacts, desire to be alone;
• apathy;
• changes in behavior that are manifested by special oddities, for example, vagrancy;
• hallucinations may occur;
• a person stops taking care of himself;
• physical weakness and fatigue are felt;
• the individual becomes sedentary;
• there is a constant expectation that something bad will happen;
• a feeling of physical pain, which is unfounded by any disease, is a psychosomatic manifestation;
• Excessive sweating, tachycardia, and possible arrhythmia may be observed.

If these manifestations persist for three months or longer, then a diagnosis of depression is made. This state will be especially profound if the individual was present at the death of his loved one.

The following signs may indicate a condition that requires mandatory treatment:

• lack of acceptance of death;
• disappearance of goals in life;
• shock after the death of a loved one;
• inability to trust someone;
• numbness (for example, can be observed when a child dies).

To understand exactly how to get a person out of depression while at a distance, you need to understand what such a condition is. Depression is usually defined as a severe disorder that causes a person to feel only negative emotions. From this:

• the sphere of motivation suffers greatly;
• cognitive representation changes in the opposite direction;
• behavior takes on a passive form.

There are severe emotions, a regular feeling of depression and even despair, which cannot but affect the overall well-being. Everything that was interesting to a person before suddenly ceases to captivate him completely. The future becomes unpromising for him, the person begins to torment himself. It seems to him that he simply does not have enough strength to overcome all the difficulties that have befallen him.

In some cases, the process takes on a pathological form and, accordingly, requires treatment from a psychotherapist. In this case, support from loved ones and friends alone will not be enough. You need to seek help from a specialist (and in some cases even undergo a course of medication).

There are signs by which we determine for ourselves psychologically healthy.

The path to a new life. Attitudes towards death in different cultures

Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. Only frankly stupid people can judge a woman who decides to start over and start a new family.

Our attitude towards death is determined by culture. Many beliefs perceive life as cyclical, the future goes hand in hand with the past, death is just one of the stages.

The religions of the East - Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism - are built on the idea of ​​reincarnation, the transmigration of souls. According to reincarnation, we live several earthly lives, each life is an experience and test, the passage of which determines the subsequent fate of a person.

Christianity and Islam are built on the concept of a straight path - from birth to the highest judgment, which inevitably awaits everyone at the end. Here it is customary to pray for the deceased, visit cemeteries, and commemorate people on the day of death.

Almost all religions agree on one thing - suffering for the deceased can become his “anchor”; they prevent the soul from moving on.