What should we do if our child loses faith in God?

Hello, dear visitors of the Orthodox website “Family and Faith”!

Unfortunately , we can witness how our child/teenager loses faith... Hence the question: how should we behave in order to help our child?

Archpriest Maxim Kozlov gives the necessary advice and also helps to understand related issues:

• If a child/teenager who was not a church member in childhood wears a cross and prays from time to time as best he can, but does not confess or receive communion, should he be encouraged to do so now?

• Do adult children living in sins need to be persuaded to go to church and confess, although they have no such desire?

• Perhaps they will feel grace there and will go to services themselves?

• And when an adult child, due to either his own sinfulness or the sinfulness of his parents, who joined the Church late and did not bring him into the Church as a child, remains in various kinds of temptations for many years and, despite the fact that the mother and father now tirelessly pray, there is no visible There is no result, no shift in his soul, is it possible to change something in this case?

Archpriest Maxim Kozlov answers:

“What do you mean “loses faith”? The collisions that Dostoevsky describes in “The Teenager” or partly in “The Brothers Karamazov” are rarely experienced by people with such a degree of severity; this is not an everyday reality.

As a rule, we are talking about the age-related cooling of faith that awaits a teenager during the period of adolescence, often accompanied by the hobbies of the spirit of this age in its various manifestations - from dirty music to dirty literature, and just as widespread today, mostly cultivated and therefore partly psychological justified, by repulsion from parental authority, which, of course, is in principle determined by the very spirit of modern secular society.

A wise, believing parent will approach this time in the life of his own child with understanding and will not defend his authority with force, but will try to appear higher, as if unaffected by declared nonsense, shocking phrases, that storm in a teacup that teenagers usually produce.

The biggest mistake a parent can make is getting extremely worked up about their son or daughter losing faith, with the implication being: what did we do wrong? With your hands and feet, grab hold of your matured child in order to defend him in your faith.

No, take it more calmly: remember that our Lord and Savior loves your child more than you do, and wants his salvation more than you can wish for, and cares about him in a way that you, with all your efforts, cannot even come close to . Stay close to him as calm and confident Christians, trying in a purely human way during this period not to worsen your relationship with him. And if one day you suddenly hear for the first time: “I won’t go to the liturgy, today is Sunday, I’d better get some sleep,” then not the demand to get up and go to the service with you will be the correct form of reaction, but a sad smile of regret : “Well, for the free - freedom, for the saved - heaven, sleep if you want,” and the quietly closed door behind you will resonate much more vividly in the heart than anything else.

– If your adult child, who was not churched in childhood due to your own lack of churching at that time, wears a cross and from time to time, prays as best he can, but does not confess or receive communion, is it necessary to push him to this now?

“The fact that he wears a cross is already good; it means, at least, that he does not realize that he is completely alien to the Church.” Of course, for every person who is at least a little alien to the Church, we should desire a greater measure of churching. This is a self-evident axiom.

Anyone who goes to Church on Christmas and Easter should wish that he starts going at least on the twelve holidays. To the one who goes to the twelfth, so that he, you see, acquires the skill for Sunday services. For those who fast only during Great Lent, so that they reach the point where other fasts, including Wednesday and Friday, have not been canceled either, even at the beginning of the 21st century.

So there is a large space for our growth from measure to measure, and everyone must go their own way. It certainly is. But there are also some thresholds. In fact, a person who has not yet consciously approached the Sacraments is only near the church fence, even if he was baptized in childhood and wears a cross. Therefore, this is probably the greatest thing that one can wish for him and what one can direct him towards.

However, our task here is not to pronounce the answers, but to pose questions that would not push questions of faith, in other words, the eternity of Heaven, out of sight of our own child.

You cannot dictate to him: “you must do this, you must do that,” but through the nature of our communication with him and not only with him, but also with other family members, with relatives who are already in the Church, through our very behavior, this image of eternity , as well as the relevance and importance of church life for us, must be clearly read.

And this will be something that will not allow our child to brush aside these kinds of questions as unimportant. Therefore, ask questions, but do not dictate the answers - this is, perhaps, how we can help our children who were not churched at an early age.

– Do adult children living in sins need to be persuaded to go to church and confess, although they have no such desire? But maybe they will feel grace there and will go to services themselves?

– I can only share my small priestly experience, as well as the experience of other, older priests. There is such an old folk wisdom: a slave is not a pilgrim. What can be achieved by bringing an over-aged and independent son by force to the temple?

Let’s assume that under the pressure of tears and his mother’s persuasion, he came there with her, and even approached the cross and the Gospel, feeling her gaze behind his back. He did what was asked of him. But at the same time, he had no desire of his own to repent. He formally listed the most common sins, although what was on his heart remained unspoken.

Such a confession will not bring determination to give up those sins in which he has become stuck. This is a real profanation of the sacrament. And it is much wiser for a Christian mother to pray with faith that the Lord hears her prayers and that they never remain unfulfilled.

Another thing is that these prayers are not fulfilled as quickly as we wish, and not in the same ways as we want: tomorrow the son woke up a different person and entered the church fence already completely pious and churchgoer.

Perhaps his path to the Church will be connected with some life sorrows and trials. And here it is very important that the mother shows her son an example of a good Christian life. If he hears not reproaches and irritation, but sees with what eyes she came from church, or how she really wants to pray at home, or what joy arises in her from abstinence during Lent, then, at some point, he himself will want join this.

– And when an adult child, either because of his own sinfulness or the sinfulness of his parents, who joined the Church late and did not bring him into the Church as a child, remains in various kinds of temptations for many years and, despite the fact that the mother and father now tirelessly pray, there is no visible There is no result, no shift in his soul, is it possible to change something in this case?

– Yes , a clear result may not be visible in this case, but a believer should always know that not only the visible and present result is the fruit of prayer.

The most important thing here is not to dictate to God what it is best for Him to do with our child. And pray: “Lord, give him repentance, when he sins, bring him into the enclosure of Your holy Church, in what ways You know. I don’t know them, if I knew them, I would have done it long ago, but you bring them yourself. Reason - at any cost. And I don’t ask for his well-being, or even health, but I ask only for repentance and for him to become an Orthodox person... Which means not professionally established, happily married, and so on, but simply repentant and a believer.”

And the Lord will definitely hear such a courageous prayer to the end, although it will be fulfilled, perhaps, in twenty years, in thirty years, maybe even at the end of life’s journey. But we are doing this prayer for eternity. Therefore, the main thing is to understand and accept that if prayer is performed, then – the Gospel does not lie to us – what we ask God for with faith, He gives.”

Raising a child requires a special pedagogical tact.

T difficulties of adolescence

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Fifth Commandment

The fifth commandment of the Decalogue (the Law of Moses) tells us about the correct attitude towards our parents. It also says why they should be treated this way:

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you (Deut. 5:16)

Of course, this says nothing about unbelieving parents. But in the “Proverbs of Solomon” it is said about the punishment that will befall everyone who disrespects their closest blood relatives: the eye that mocks the father and neglects obedience to the mother will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, and the eagle’s chicks will be devoured (Proverbs 30: 17). And in the Gospel of Matthew we find the following words: he who curses his father or mother, let him die (Matthew 15:4).

When do children become independent?

It is believed that children begin to take responsibility for their actions at the age of seven. Around this time they begin their first confession. However, do they then become independent from their parents? Obviously not. It cannot be said that such independence comes with the onset of adulthood. It is at this age that the generational conflict usually reaches its “climax.”

And here it is important to understand that until a person himself is able to financially support his life, his external freedom will always, in one way or another, undergo some difficulties and be humiliated. But this concerns material dependence, but what about moral responsibility?

Of course, with age we can and, most likely, will move somewhat away from our parents, but this does not mean that the “area of responsibility” stops there. If, as the already mentioned Dostoevsky wrote, in general “everyone is to blame for everyone else,” then this is even more true for those who are closest to us by blood.

We can assume that the connection with the mother and father weakens somewhat after their child gets married or gets married and forms a new family. What it says: a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (Matthew 19:5). In this case, the person's closest relative is the husband or wife. But this does not mean that you can now completely forget about your parents. It’s just that their direct influence on our lives is now weakening. At least that's how it should be.

Parental blessing

Many saints have spoken about how important it is to maintain good relationships with parents. They discovered the spiritual meaning of everything that happens to a person in life. Elders close to us in time spoke especially much about the deep harm disobedience to their fathers causes to all humanity. For example, Schema-Archimandrite Zosima (Sokur) repeatedly said that modern people are most often unhappy because they did not have peace with their parents and were disobedient to them.

Archimandrite Thaddeus Vitovnitsky also often mentioned the conflict of generations. He talked about how important it is to have a parent's blessing. The elder himself more than once mourned the fact that in childhood he had mentally scolded his father, with this he explained many of his mistakes and misfortunes. But if this is the meaning of one mental battle, then what can we say about us when the conflict often turns into action, children raise their hands against their parents, and are even cursed by them?

It seems to us that it would be useful to remember the English proverb: Charity begins at home. In Russian it goes like this: Mercy begins at home. Of course, the Russian classic Fyodor Dostoevsky very correctly noted that it is much more difficult to love your neighbors than those who are far away. But if we do not still try to do this, then all our faith will turn out to be simple hypocrisy.

And before talking about unbelieving parents, it is still worth remembering once again the words of the Apostle Paul: if anyone does not take care of his own, and especially those of his own household, he has renounced the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8)

Orthodoxy is not a sect or a disease

We also need to be prepared for the fact that our family will perceive our faith as some kind of oddity or temporary interest or hobby. For the majority of those around him, in principle, a believer seems not quite normal, “not of this world.” There is a real life story when a young man came to meet the bride’s parents and, so that there would be no surprise later, he honestly admitted that he was an Orthodox Christian. After a short parent-teacher meeting, the future father-in-law and mother-in-law, as he learned later, sighed heavily and issued a “positive verdict”: “Well, it’s good that at least he’s not a drug addict...”.

You can convince non-believing parents that Orthodoxy is not a disease or some kind of sect, not by talking, but only by the seriousness of your intentions and convictions. Seeing that their child is courageously following the path of Christ and is not going to turn away from it, the parents themselves will understand that behind this there is something more important than momentary interest. If their children are dear to them, then they themselves will want to know how their children live, what is this eternal meaning, the Truth, for which they are ready to sacrifice everything, for which they live.

Jesus was obedient to his parents

The Savior showed us an example of obedience to His Mother, the Virgin Mary, and the named father, Joseph the Betrothed. From the Gospel of Luke (Luke 2:40-52) we know that only once at the age of twelve did Jesus cause them great sorrow by remaining unannounced in the temple after traveling to Jerusalem. There He listened and Himself taught the teachers.

When the excited Joseph and Mary found Their Divine Son in the temple, He, reminding them of His Heavenly Father and the purpose for which He was sent to earth, no longer upset them and remained in complete obedience to them until the due date. That is, Christ Himself unquestioningly obeyed His earthly parents until the age of thirty. As we know, Jesus helped His named father Joseph - he was a carpenter. Until he was called to public service.