Wisdom and a willingness to listen are the qualities that invariably attract us in people. And they are the reason that girls and women fall in love with priests. Who, if not the confessor to whom you entrust your secrets, will understand and console? Who, if not the preacher, will say the right word at the right time? Going to church always brought you peace. but now everything has changed, and you ask yourself a thousand questions: I love a priest - what should I do? Is it possible to love a priest or is it a sin?
Is loving a priest a sin?
Your falling in love in itself cannot harm anyone. However, most likely, you will still have to sacrifice this love for the sake of your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, church requirements for Orthodox priests are quite harsh. They are prohibited from any extramarital relations with parishioners, an unmarried pastor is forbidden to marry after taking the priesthood, and a married one is not allowed to divorce or remarry (even if his first wife has died). This is explained by the fact that a priest should have only one love (meaning love for God), the priest must maintain moral purity and serve as an example for the flock. In other words, the passion and intrigue of the church minister should not concern him.
That is why your love is unlikely to find a response in the heart of a clergyman. You need to understand that a relationship with you may end in the loss of his church rank. A person who has chosen this share consciously will not give it up for the sake of a relationship with a parishioner. Therefore, your love, alas, is initially doomed to remain unrequited. Finding no way out, this feeling will gnaw at you from the inside, preventing you from living a full life. It’s a pity that you can’t stop yourself from loving a person! You will have to fight this feeling, but we are sure that you will be able to cope.
I love the priest and I think it's mutual
It's a pity, but most likely you are mistaken. Some parishioners take the participation and care of the priest as an expression of romantic feelings. In fact, of course, the clergyman treats his entire flock with love, which is why he devoted his life to people. But this love applies equally to all parishioners and, of course, does not have a romantic connotation. If you have known your confessor for many years, he is much older than you - most likely, his feelings for you can be called fatherly, but this is not falling in love.
But what if you know for sure that your feeling is mutual? Let us return to the beginning of this article and recall that a relationship with you represents a huge temptation for a clergyman and can put an end to his spiritual calling. Therefore, even if you have learned about reciprocal feelings, be wiser and above temptation. Remember that even if no one finds out about your affair, according to church rules, your lover must be anathematized.
If a married priest has fallen in love with you, then think about the fact that your happiness may become the misfortune of another woman. Would you like to be in her place?
However, we would like to end this article on a positive note. Remember that first of all, we are all people, and love helps us make each other happier. History knows examples of how love glorified a priest - remember Pierre Abelard and his beloved Heloise. While a bishop, Abelard fell in love with his student Heloise, and she bore him a son. This love contradicted all the canons of the church, but inspires poets to this day. Unfortunately, Eloise had no one to ask for advice when she realized that she had fallen in love with the priest. Or maybe fortunately?.. It's up to you to decide!
Orthodox Life
About the benefits of restrictions and the danger of substituting spiritual life - Archimandrite Markell (Pavuk), confessor of Kiev theological schools, teacher of asceticism.
Photo: © Natalya Goroshkova/Orthodox Life
– Father, on the eve of Lent we would like to talk about the benefits of abstinence and restrictions. Basically, fasting is considered as gastronomic abstinence, but we wanted to talk about abstinence of feelings and emotions. Let's touch on an old but relevant problem.
The problem of falling in love with monks and clergy is not new, is it? It existed a hundred years ago and earlier.
“This happened before, and it still happens in the Church today. For example, Metropolitan Nikodim (Rotov) recalled that when he was still a young hieromonk and served in one of the rural parishes, girls directly stuck to the windows of his house. They were wondering what the monk was doing in the evening. (Smiles.) This was the man’s temptation. He had to ask the bishop to be transferred to another place.
Archpriest Gleb Kaleda in his book “The Home Church” calls girls and women who are attracted to monks or priests “Rassophiles.” He advises to fight this decisively, to put an end to such relationships, because they are not for the salvation of the soul for either one or the other side.
– What is the reason for such unhealthy relationships?
– We all need care, special treatment, love. The priest - a shepherd by his calling and obedience - tries to pay close attention to each person, to delve into the problem, to help understand the troubles of family relationships and other issues. And such attention is often perceived in a distorted light.
Today, the problem of relationships is acute in many families. People cannot build a home church correctly. And when they come to the priest with their questions, especially if the priest is young and attractive, they open their souls to him. The shepherd finds the right words - and, willy-nilly, the person begins to be carried away by the appearance, beauty, voice, and various virtues of the clergyman. And this, in the end, leads to the fact that the parishioner ceases to hope in God, and relies solely on the object with which he is passionate.
– And he doesn’t come to the temple to God, but to this clergyman...
- Yes. And he is not looking for communion with God, but for communication with a specific priest. A catastrophe occurs—the substitution of Christ, the substitution of spiritual life.
These relationships are built not on some kind of selflessness, but on exclusively spiritual human feelings. And the worst thing is that they are perceived as a pure action of God’s grace.
– What examples are known from church history?
– Such a great saint as John of Kronstadt faced a similar problem. A circle of lovers, mostly female, formed around him. They ran after the priest in crowds and did not allow him to pass. It got to the point that they began to compare him with Christ, and there were even people who wanted to crucify the saint.
– How far does fanaticism go...
– A similar thing happened with Father Tikhon (Agrikov), the famous confessor of the Trinity-Sergei Lavra. Fans were literally chasing him. Thus, the KGB special services also deliberately provoked him to create a scandal. The priest had to hide from these women who provoked him and did not give him the opportunity to mind his own business and serve.
This is a sensitive, acute, difficult problem.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky describes the story that happened to Hierodeacon Neil, a real monk of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. In his cell were kept the personal valuables of one fan, who helped him in every possible way and idolized him.
But there was also a second ardent fan. And one day, when the hierodeacon went to work, one of these women remained in his cell, and at that time another one came, who also had a key, and saw the first one lying in the monk’s bed. There was a scandal. One accused the other of stealing. There was a trial. These events were leaked to the secular press, which naturally gave rise to great temptation among believers.
– At that time, was Dostoevsky already a deeply church-going person?
- Yes. The turbulent youth has passed, the revolutionary passions have passed. Dostoevsky became an Orthodox believer with conservative views. He writes that the monk was deservedly booed at the trial, but emphasizes that God’s Providence is in everything: it’s good that this abscess has now opened up and Father Neil will no longer have to be cunning and lead a double life. He can repent or simply leave the monastery and serve in the world, without deceiving himself or others.
– Probably all priests have encountered this to one degree or another, especially young ones.
- Undoubtedly. Father Gleb Kaleda advises: “Do not give a reason to those who are looking for a reason.” If such temptations occur, then you need to immediately stop them and advise one or another parishioner to go to another church.
– It is important when the priest remains sober in this matter and does not fall into delusion himself. There are times when a monk encourages this feeling among his parishioners and bathes in it. He enjoys the attention. A monk needs spiritual strength to escape such temptation.
– Today’s difficult and unstable times leave their mark on all areas of life. The struggle to maintain chastity is especially important today. You need to understand that everything begins at the level of thoughts, and imperceptibly a person falls deeper and deeper into this quagmire. Therefore, one should not allow such attractions in one’s thoughts. You can't play with this like fire. Great is the responsibility of every shepherd for the souls he has destroyed.
– Disorder and chaos in the country brings disorder to souls. People are losing ground. What was previously unshakable - loyalty, purity - is now ridiculed and devalued.
- Why is this happening? Why do many people feel lonely, including in their families?
This is due to all of our inherent pride. We think that we are owed everything, that the husband/wife is obligated to show special love and care. At the same time, each of us forgets that we ourselves should give love, and not expect it from others, it is important to bring it to our loved ones and into the world ourselves, to sacrifice ourselves.
And where selfish relationships reign, a crisis ensues and total displeasure grows. There's no love there.
- Someone said that love has one verb - to give.
– Sacrificial relationships, self-giving can only be formed on the basis of correct faith in God, with an understanding of the highest meaning of love, and when faith is weak, then mistrust that arises because of some trifles quickly breaks family ties and people begin to look for hobbies on the side.
– And they deceptively consider this to be the highest love... Although, in addition, there is a selfish desire to receive attention from the priest to one’s person, to feel a special favor.
- This is charm, not love. If a person in love had thought about the soul of a clergyman, she would not have harmed him with her unnecessary attention and unacceptable affection.
- Ossified egoism is observed everywhere, we do not want to infringe on ourselves in any way. There are monks who lead a “glamorous life” worse than in the world...
– It is difficult for a modern person to understand why limit oneself. I recently spoke with a priest who serves in one of the prosperous Western countries. He said: when he tells people that they need to fast, limit themselves, humble themselves in order to overcome this or that passion, they get offended and some stop visiting the temple. People do not accept asceticism, although they agree that they need to do good deeds, engage in social service, but just do not deny themselves anything, do not limit anything.
The result is a large percentage of dementia and insanity. People who do not limit themselves in anything, who have no motivation to overcome themselves for the sake of spiritual growth, often go crazy. Here lies the main cause of the so-called senile insanity.
– Asceticism is unpopular these days and is considered archaic. How do you, a teacher of asceticism, manage to tell young people about the need for it today?
– I am teaching a course on asceticism, the introductory part is the rationale for the discipline and its functional significance. Orthodoxy is built on asceticism; this is the foundation. But, I repeat, today it is more difficult than ever to talk about asceticism.
Nobody likes restrictions. Living and not stressing is the credo of young people.
This false feeling of self-pity, destructive in essence, does not allow a person to develop.
And if a person does not limit himself in anything, he will inevitably become cruel, indifferent, incapable of compassion and rejoicing. And any relationship and his whole life then have an exclusively selfish character.
When a person ceases to distinguish evil from good, when he is fixated on his own person, he becomes sick and dangerous to society.
Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova
